IMH memories

IMH memories:
 
day 3: julia & i pointpoint point at uncle david's table (a lot of food) den wen we looked up, he was smilin at us! LOL! Hahaha
 
Julia: we used to put pencil lead on our hands & try to stick it there!
Huiwen: pencil lead is lead! It's poisonous!
Marian/julia: it's carbon, not lead!
Huiwen: hahah! I'm a bimbo! Hahahahahn
 
Day 5:
Huiwen: i just went to sayang! Hahahahhah!
 
14/05
Joke 1: 
Which is your fav 金庸 book?
Nicole: "还珠格格＂
Hahaahahahha!
Nicole: aren't they e same? Hahahah!
 
Joke 2:
Huiwen: (to kh) fan me!
Julia: get u a peacock feather/fan!
Nicole: peacock feather nt enuff! She need an entire peacock! Hahahahahhaahha!
 
15/05
Julia: 同流合污
Huiwen: what's that?!
After much elaboration....
Julia: i meant it as a joke! 
All: ORH!!!!!
Nicole: damn chim leh!
Hahahahhahahahaha
 
17/05
Nicole: dajia men!
Clement: dajie got men ah.
Nicole: stun totally.
 
29/05:
Nicole: *stares* at her sup after seein someone in black frm her side eye! (thot it was me) 
 
??
Potent balls
 
05/06:
Huiwen: holy room(holding room)
I'm low on sugar, i need eat some sugar.
 
06/06:
Nicole: do u clock e extra OT hour u work?
Me: no leh
Nicole: why?
Me: coz i dun wan to end placement earlier than u all
Nicole: i burn out alr! 
Hahahahahah! & it's wk 5 only! :p
 
08/06:
Huiwen: realLY?!
 
Marcus
Michelle
Julia "why do u all insist is a guy?"
Gymnast bird
 
14-06
Nicole: 雨过晴天
 
29-08
Nic: "my previous placement sup asked me if my chinese did improve then i said yes! I learnt 同流合污！den e centre head asked me if i noe wat it means. Den i said dunno!"
Hahahahahahahahhahaha!
 
Julia: dark skin colour put __ & __ colour! Coz __ & __ gives __(another colour)
Huiwen: orh!!!! 
Nic, julia & me: hahahahahahah!
 
Fav colours:
Huiwen - red, pastel colour
Nicole - blue, turquoise
Marian - green

posts from 31.08.13 to 04.12.13

31.08.13 Hehehe!! Ok! Today a super busy & chiong day! Plus wasn't v not tired! So really lasted thru thru a not easy process! :p keep using double negatives huh? :p Bt anw! I wanted to jus note down some things tt really make me happy! Coz I'm spendin quite a bit of time w twinny recently(which makes me v happy of coz! :p) bt i scared i forget some of e very very small things tt really make me smile/chuckle! :p heheheh! Coz I'm always pretendin to be/really slightly angry w her! Hahaha! Today on our way back, hahaha! She asked me bout e lettin me walk in front thingy! Den i tink she scared db will b upset! Den i say say say, den got a bit "rah!!" Den i was like "bu jiang le!" Den i got into e "angry her mode" again! :p hahaha!! & den she did her usual antics to try to make me forgive her! Hahaha! Including her pouting, "keke" tricks, nudging me, pleading me, sayin sorry... Hahahaha!! & today even more epic! She tried to give me choco! Hahahaha! Bleh! Bt i refused! Coz i dun wan! :p & really funny to see her expressions! Hehehe! & she told me she was secretly happy wen we missed e stop at BB! Wah biang! & she was really quite happy! & she pleaded w me to let her try my pass code lock! Hahaha! & wen i refused & kept my phone, she really tried to dig for it frm my bag! Hahahaha!!! & den after tt i decided to b nice & give her choco! So i passed her my phone! & her eyes REALLY lit up!!! Hahaha! Like dio 4D like tt! :p hahahaa! Yah! All these simple bt really sweet moments! Thanks twinny! :) & also wen we were waitin for her dad to come fetch us, we were sittin at e bench! & b4 tt she angry me loh! Coz i cheated her! :p she wanted to guess e sig of my pass code! Hahaha! So i said if u guess it correctly den i give u clue! & my clue was "tt day i woke up, went for tuition & den badminton!" Hahahaah! Bt really mah! Tt day's events all Li Li zai mu! Coz of e convo we had! Den i told her "ok! U give me one vege, i give u one more clue!" Den she agreed! & my clue was "tt day is one day b4 my sup's bdae!" Hahaha! Coz i rmb i got tell her i Lai bu ji msg my sup liao! Coz i was gg into customs le! Nt sure if i did tell her! Bt was gg to try my luck! Hahaha! In e end, she angry, so i told her "i say le mah! If u nt happy, i can change de!" Den she gave me de "u say loh! U better change! If nt i gg to ignore u!" Den i said "okay loh.. Tt day u worked?" Den she gave me e "u mei si guo ah" face! Hahaha! Den i added "morn shift"! Hahaha! Den i thot she went to dig for her work schedule, bt tink she digged for her notes or sth! & she guessed it! & e smile was again... Hahahaha!! Bt she really smiled more "brilliantly" wen i passed her my phone! :p hahahaha! Yah.. Wanted to blog more! Bt a bit sleepy le! :/ another day? Hehehe!! Yep! :) Kheng:))) 06.09.13 Hehehehe!! So happy! :D actually nt de initially! Bt on e bus home, den i cheered up! :p hehehe! Met up w dabong & twinny jus nw for dinner! Hehehe! Was quite funny! Hahaha! Den i started drawing on e paper! & coz draw no need look up! So v good! So i jus drew & drew! & yue4 draw yue bloo bloo.. Den after dabong left.. i was textin & den i jus type type den started to lower my head! coz like tt twinny cannot see my face! :p den we boarded 95.. Den i dunno hw to say also.. So i jus continued to pout! Den after tt i jus rested my head on her shoulders coz again, she cannot see my face! :p bt it's jus a v nice feeling resting on her shoulders! It's the "sorry twinny! Dunno hw to let u noe wat I'm feeling but i jus wan to lean on u!" Kind! Hehehe! Den alighted & we jus silent! Coz i wanted to talk to her only wen we board 185/198! Coz i dun wan to waste e talkin opportunity also! :p bt i bloo bloo mah! Den boarded bus le i jus smile my usual "*pout plus Wu nai plus "keke" dun tell u" way! Heheheh! Coz i saw twinny givin e "wat happened?! Face with open mouth and cold sweat U ok?" Look! Hehehe! Den i tink she really was tryin to figure out wat was happening! Bt i wasn't helpin! :p Bt den i was still feeling bloo bloo! & e main point came! Hehehe!! She asked me if i wanted Mac! Den i said but we miss e stop le! Den i dunno say wat! Den she jus pretended she couldn't hear! & she "huh?" After every statement i made! :p heheheh!!! Den v funny & cute!! Heehehe! E v nice "tao Ren yan" way! Hahaha! Den i burst out smiling & giggling! Den i really ok le! :p hehhe! I tink coz there wasn't really any basis for my bloo bloo.. & if any, it's also coz i was like sai-nai-in to twinny? Hehehe!! So wen she hong-ed me, it was a bit of 解铃还需系铃人? Hehehee!! Bt really jus the "hehehehehehe!!" Den i really laughed like a kid! 被斗 dao v happy! Aiyah! I jus feel v loved lah! Hahaha! Tt someone bothers to cheer me up! & really is the i shake head, i pout.. All these non-verbals tt i always use to tell e ppl ard me tt tho i say I'm ok, I'm nt! She reacted to all of them! I'm nt sayin others don't! Bt it's only w twinny tt i can jus do it & refuse to explain bt i wun feel bad! Like I'm imposin on her like tt or like spoiling her mood! & also tt i noe she wun give up findin out de! Even if she dun ask, she will still tink or try to ask me somehow! Or she will try to cheer me up some other ways! Like sayin jokes, playing guitar.. All e things lah! :p hehehe! So i really v happy! Hehehe! Yep! & i really like sai nai-ing to her! It's like she will jus b there to absorb my everything (my throw tantrums, my requests, my needs & wants, & really is 无理取闹! Coz I'll always randomly angry her or jus bloo bloo diao!) so i really m v thankful for my twinny! <3 & i tink also coz there r always times wen i fear tt she wun hong me anymore? Coz there is really no reason & recently I've been "acting up" quite a bit! & like tt day, i thot she busy or sth, bt she managed to send me an audio recording of her guitar strumming of 你不是真正的快乐(tho i totally 听不出来 lah! :p) den i became v happy! Hehehe!! Coz she will always try to cheer me up! Feel tt I'm gettin more than i deserve! Really feel v pampered & spoilt! :p I also dunno! Bt twinny is like my everything.. Like my parents, like my sister, like my fren, even like my boyfren! Hehehe! I'm nt les k! Hahaha! Bt i really tink tt she treats me so well! & willin to tolerate all my nonsense & e way she hongs me.. I really tink it'll b hard for my boyfriend to surpass her! It's jus the i noe twinny really really likes me a lot as a fren kind! A v v nice feelin to feel so loved!! <3 Actually i dunno if i said this b4, bt in my memory, no.. So this is e first time I'm gg to formally say this & face it! Actually i really v scared! Coz i dunno wen will i find twinny this fren not interesting anymore! I'm afraid tt suddenly one day, I'll find tt she is no longer impt! It's jus like e dun appreciate her anymore! & suddenly, all e things she does will b like "er,. Nt needed liao!" Nt her fault or anything! Bt coz i noe I'm capable of being a 喜新厌旧 person! I really v scared tt day will come! Coz e last person i wan to upset or hurt is twinny! Coz she really is jus too nice to me le! So I'm really hopin tt day wun come! I hope she stays impt to me till e day i leave this world! She can "leave" me coz i believe e memories she left for me is sth tt will stay w me forever! Bt i jus hope i wun b e one to leave her! Yes!! & hehehe!! Jus nw wen we were walkin to macs, hehehe! By a random chain of events, she was holdin my arm instead of me holding her.. Den after she finished texting, she did properly hold me for a while! Hehehee! & she did my *stick closer* (w hand still hooked onto e person's arm) thingy! (Wen i see insects/cats) Hehehe! So nice! Hahahaa!!! E feelin really v nice! Hahaha! & i noe for her to do tt, it really takes a lot! Hahaha! Bt she was willin to undergo "trg"! Hehehe!! & i nv ask her leh! She did it herself! :p hehehehe!!! Yep! & jus nw wen we were sittin at e bus stop! It was rainin & e breeze was towards us! Den we jus sat & faced e road while waitin for bus, & e v v nice feeling came wen i could feel e warmth frm her in e midst of e cold wind blowing coz our shoulders were kind linked together! Hehehe! It's like totally e feeling of warmth! <3 So really dunno wat else to say other than tt I'm truly blessed to haf twinny! <3 Hehehe.. I reiterate.. I'm nt a les, coz I'm gg to say.. "I love u twinny!" <3 Kheng :). 14.09.13 Rahh!! Really is pek chek! Is there sth wrong w my communication method? Or is there sth wrong w my expectations or outlook in life? M i nt being "gracious" enuff to ppl? Jus yi ge pek chek leh! I was talkin to mama & den coz she nv on fan! Plus i wan to slp le. So i jus tried to wait till she finish applyin oil.. Den while i was talkin to her, she was commenting tt she is v old.. I asked if she was dozing off coz i saw her eyelids like closin.. Den she linked it to being old.. Actually sometimes i get really sick of e ppl ard me.. Why r they so pessimistic.. Isn't there sth in life tt is worth lookin forward to? Why r they spreadin negativism all e time?! Bt then again.. I guess I'll nv understand their pain bah.. Maybe if I'm in their shoes, I'll b whinin 10* more? I also dunno bt i got a little sian.. Partly also coz I've my hands full w stuff also.. Some is i orh-bee,, some is i Xin gan Qing yuan do de... & e rest is jus my basic responsibilities in life.. Sch work, family commitment & connecting w frens(tt is impt for social support).. & while I'm too tryin to survive & enjoy my work in e meanwhile, it really doesn't help to b receiving negative thots/comments all e time! Bt as i said, i do nt noe wat others r gg thru, & tt might happen to me one day also! & ppl share w me for a reason coz I'm able to listen & share a bit of their woes i hope? Bt sometimes e dosage is really too high even for me myself to b able to take it! Bt i wun tell them also! Coz i would rather i "suffer" than seein them suffer! I'll feel guilty for being so selfish! Bt yah loh.. Another thing is coz all these things evoke e "kou bu Dui Xin" feelin & frustration in me! Coz i wan to tell these ppl to look frm another perspective, to stop being so negative.. Bt i dun & i wun! Coz i noe i say le, they wun share as much w me in e future bt doesn't mean their outlook in life will change! & partly also coz i like to b e one who knows things? I tink being able to listen is e thing tt gets me friendships! If I'm always out to provide another perspective & challenge ppl, i tink they will b frustrated w me & this is sth tt i dun wan to see happening! Call me despo, no principles or jus suckin up, bt i dun tink i wan to lose these friendships! I'm scared of being all by myself in future! & back to mum! Den e breaking straw came wen i told her to wear slippers wen she is at home! Den she told me her Chinese physician din ask her to do also! I really was the "fine! I'm gg to sleep!" It's like i jus felt like I'm wAsting my time! My mum is v stubborn (I'm so nt strengths' perspective! :/) & she doesn't heed any of e advice i give to her! My sis scolds, i talk nicely bt she is jus nt open to wat we're saying! Well, self-determination right? & who m i to say tt she is wrong & we're right? Bt jus nw i really was jus max out! She is complainin bout her health bt she doesn't comply w e things e doc asks her to do! If tt is e case, why see e doc? & wen i said e wearin slippers, her response was really the.. "Aiyah! Guan ni lah!" I dun wan to say any further le! Jus a waste of my time! :/ I feel a little bad! Coz love is supposed to b unconditional! Talkin to my mum shldn't be a "i shld b doin it" kinda thing! & it shldn't b a "if u're nt receptive, I'm gg to ignore u!" kind of thing.. Bt tt is exactly e way I'm doin it! & i feel bad coz i can spend so much time whatsapp-ing twinny bt e time i give to my sis & mum is like conditional! Bt it's really coz talkin to them sometimes tire me out! Coz it's alway they say & they're always spreading saying things tt dun make me feel any better! So I'm evil, my love is conditional! I'm trying.. Tryin to do e bare minimum first! I'll work towards making it unconditional k! Bt yeah! & also.. This whole secret within mini clique within clique thingy... It's nt w e secret bt my emotions towards e members! :/ I'm like.. I feel bad bt i wan to b true to myself! & I feel guilty & I'm afraid to b found out! I dun wan to hurt anyone bt I'm sick of doing things tt i dun wan to do! I feel so much anger, judging & I'm tryin so hard to justify my actions & feelings! I need some validation bt i tink my emotions do nt deserve to b validated! :/ RAHH!!! A bit sick of it... That is why i jus wan to emo one corner & walkin at e back is really jus better than havin to put up a front in front of e rest! Haiz.. Startin to wonder did we do anythin wrong? Could it haf turned out better if we din hide? Bt actually dun hide is jus e i no need feel bad bt actually maybe e hurt is still done! & it's like a "u'll nv noe e truth" kinda thing also! ;/ Rah!!!!! & also lah.. Jus nw talk to gjj.. Wah biang eh! I jus feel another defense mechanism blockin & i find it so hard to communicate! I feel really tired actually! I'm so nt strengths perspective & so not non-judgmental! Social work values shld b in our daily lives! Bt i tink I'm nt a social workish person to start w! So i really need to try doubly hard! & goodness, i aren't even tryin! I'm in this state w my hands full I've no more energy to spend to try & see ppl & things frm a different perspective! :/ & this is only honours, wat if i go out to work in future? Actually I'm really afraid! I'm so nt appreciative of wat I've! One day wen i lose these ppl, e health, e happiness & haf e time & energy tt I've been complainin i dun haf, will i b any happier? Bt i guess this is life, u cannot choose ur perfect combi! U jus work w e things u've been given! I recognise tt! & I'm willin to try! Jus tt it's nt an easy process! & i need to rant a bit! & as i kinda "said?", spreadin negative energy all e time is really nt being v kind to e ppl ard u! So as much as i wan to b ranting to twinny, I'm nt gg to do it! Nt tt i wan to rant these stuff to her, bt i jus hope tt someone noes wat I'm feelin at e moment! & of coz there is always this small secret wish tt i hope twinny can sense it even w.o me saying! Bt of coz it can b real scary if tt happens, coz i wun b able to hide anythin from her! Yeah! & tt is expecting too much! Yah! & of coz wen i feel tt ppl cannot understand me, tt is wen i wan to hide in my own corner! Coz i jus feel tt I'm special enuff to retain my own identify, emotions, thots.. & I'm waitin for e person who can understand to come & approach & to b w me mentally! Hmm.. I tink i found e ans to why i "emo" e last few times le! Jus nw i felt like angry-ing twinny again! It's like e crisis state was evoked again! Bt i decided nt to do it! Coz i noe she is gg to b v busy this comin wk also! & she has been v busy for e past wk or so! I dun wan to become a liability! Yeah! I cna behave maturely de! & i ask/dd so much, m i able to return it to her? M i able to reciprocate? Even tho it is nv meant to b fair, i dun wan to over-benefitting so much all e time also! :/ Yep! My reaction to mama jus nw i really e culmination of all tt has been happening these few wks! Or maybe for e past wk! Since i cried & kinda released a bit on mon? Slight teary! If can I'll jus let them out! Coz really feel a bit drained by everythin! Esp e emotional aspect! E workload & everythin else i can manage, it's e havin to lie & do things i dun wan to & feelin e guilt, suppression, anger w myself... Tt is really makin me feel tired! Rah!! Ok!! Some tears flowed out! Ok! Time to go & sleep! Anw, sth to b proud of.. I did my part for e grp proposal against "all odds"! :p heheh! So kua Zhang.. No lah! Bt i was v tempted to jus do it tmr morn! Bt i overcame e lazy worms! Coz i wan to make iced milo for twinny tmr! :p seems like a wrong motivation bt at least it worked k! :p Yeah! :) Kheng! 21.09.13 Otw to play mahjong! V long nv play le! Heeh! Bt stopped coz e rest busy & i din shou yang also coz it's nt sth to do w skill! Or rather, my skill is nt at e level where i can control my winnings/loss! So it's pure luck! & i get a little upset wen i lose plus really need to pay for e losses! & also coz i tink it evokes a lot of my "competitiveness" & its side effects! :/ & dun like to play till 伤和气！so din ask for it also! :p bt still excited to go play! :) Anw woke up this morn feelin "hmph" at twinny! Coz last nite she fell asleep w.o sayin nitex to me! Actually i understand de! Coz sometimes really will fall asleep! Bt jus din feel v okay coz i tink I'm scared? Partly coz she shared e "love" w nt only me! Bt it's ok! Coz after tt she still told me she had a lot of things to tell me! Nt a lot actually bt bleh! Den she fell asleep! E on top part is jus a little nt as happy bt din evoke any real feelings of sadness/fear.. Bt wen she fell asleep, i jus dunno why thot of hw it would b like in e future! Li if she were to start workin! Look at hw busy viv & huiwen are.. She where got time to text me? & i tink there will b countless night when she will jus fall asleep! Bt it's nt e falling asleep tt i mind! Bt it's jus e indication of like hw busy she will b! I mean actually tt situation will only last for like half a yr? Coz after tt will b my turn to go & work? & actually i noe it'll b fine de! Either twinny will still wan to meet me & dedicate as much of her time for me or I'll b able to cope w e "loss" if it does happen! I mean e real loss, nt e loss of time! Yeah! Bt actually i tink i aren't v prepared? Even tho i chose 你不是真正的快乐 as e drums piece for her to play for me w e rationale of tt being my company wen i feel "alone" in future & I'm constantly remindin myself of e possibility of tt happenin, actually i tink no, i jus noe tt twinny wun b e one i give up on me! More likely to b me who will give up on her first or sth! & tt is sth i fear! Coz she is e last person i wan to hurt! Bt den, yest i jus felt tt it's also possible tt one day she will/might haf to jus give up on me! Maybe coz of work, maybe coz of her own family & stuff.. Yah loh! & nt tt I'll die lah! Bt dun like mah! After all these while of reliance, nt so easy to b able to feel good bout myself still w.o Boeing tt there is someone there who values me this much! & jus dun like it! It was her who said i nv say nights to her v mei Li mau loh! Den yest she nv even tell me she gg to sleep! & it's like e first time in e past 2mths plus she nv say nitex to me loh! Hmph! I jus tink I'm scared of losing stuff! Actually i noe it wun happen de! At least nt in e near future! Bt i tink I'm fearin for e long term le! Actually really nth de leh! Bt jus feel v "hmph!" Partly also coz e night b4, she also kinda fell asleep while textin me! & while waitin for her to reply, i set alarm to wake myself up leh! So tt i wun really fall asleep! Yah loh! Actually this kind of dependence & 不顾一切 v unhealthy leh! Coz she is only a fren, one day we'll all haf our own work, family, children... She wun b here for me forever de! :/ haiz.. Bt yeah loh! I tink also coz her bdae was over! Den i haf kinda like nth more to do for her? As in no reason mah! & den she is gg to transit to another stage of her life, so I'm really a bit scared & startin to cling on a lot more! :/ this is really bad! Bt i also dun wan to become e one to give up first! I dun wan! Yep! Haiz.. Mei shi lah! Den this morn i fa her pi qi again! Anw her bdae also over le! :p bleh! Can bully her liao! Ok lah.. Suan le!! Mei shi mei shi!!!! :) Shall go reply her.. Hmph! Kheng. 24.09.13 *yawns* otw to sch for e poverty forum! Goodness, regret ttm for signin up! Coz v tired & haf stuff to do! Coz yest went out w twinny till v late! :p hehehe! Den was doin household chores wen i was back! Slept at 230am! Woke up at 815! *horror face* Yeah! Bt decided to go still coz many ppl were deprived of e chance to go! Den i sign up le shldn't waste e space! Plus i tink i shld go! To learn more things & open my horizon! Yeah! Bt yest really v happy! Met up w twinny for breakfast! & it was like glad coz after e sat episode, e everythin was ok! Nt tt i was worried or anythin, bt jus feels good to noe tt it's really ok! & it was fun jus dee xiao-in each other! :D hehehe! Den did project w maling! Maling left earlier than expected, so twinny & i decided to meet! & she gave a few suggestions & i asked if we could go beach! & we decided to go ECP & go via e bus route despite it being like 4plus close to 5 alr! Hehehe! & we had our nice bus ride! Actually i was thinkin if i shld go! Coz I've a lot of work to clear! Bt i jus din wan to care! I tink it's my recess wk after all, i need my break! If nt wen sch starts again... & I've to chiong again..... *horror* anw e work kinda cannot b finished! So i tink it's time for some break! Plus twinny gg to look for job soon! So i tink i wan to b spendin e time w her b4 she dun haf (as much) time for me! Hehehe! & yah loh, told myself all these & jus went! W.o any worries bout work or guilt! :p hehehe! Yeah! :p & den wen we reach ECP, OMG, it was really nice e sky! It slowly turned into different shades of red, orange... Really nice! & twinny took a Polaroid photo of it & gave it to me! :D hehehe! Den we went to stand in e waters for a while & den went to sit on e rocks after so much difficulty! :p heheh! & den we started to listen to songs & singing songs! I only wanted to share w her e harlem's song, jing jing de, coz really fit quite a bit for e both of us! Jus jing jing de pei each other! :) heheh! & den i started sharin more songs w her & singing songs! Den we sang e 2hrs! Dunno if twinny wanted to talk bout stuff instead, bt i jus couldn't control! & i guess twinny will b fine w doin anythin w me? :p hehehehe!!! *shyyy* Yeah! & e nite was over! Would haf been better if we went earlier! Den would haf been able to really see e sun set! Hehehe! So nice! Bt it was still awesome, beach, beautiful scenery(esp skyline), breeze, music & most impt-ly, e company! :) & otw back, we had our nice sharin again! & i brought up e topic again! Tho like recurring bt this time round brought out new perspectives & sharing! :D heheh! So quite glad i shared? :) if nt i wun noe twinny feels uncomfortable wen i react to her differently in a grp settin as compared to private setting! Hehe! Bt yep! Tink she understands & i really dun see much options for myself in terms of changin tt! :/ Yep! & a v nice bonus to end off e day was wen twinny shared w me wat she was talkin to her mum bout wen viv & i went to surprise her at her door! Hehehe! She said she was talkin to her mum bout me bt refused to tell me wat it was bout! Den i had to use 2 vege to exchange w her! :/ bt she told me! & yeah! It's worth 2 vege! :D hehehe! She told me mama tan really likes my present! Hehehe! She said v nice, v got Chengyi! Hehehe!! Yay!! I really got out in heart to do de leh! & i tink coz it's really nice? :p hehehehehe!! So byl! :p bt v happy! Coz i could tell mama tan really likes it!! Heheh! & yay! I m not/wun b sun you!!! :p so really v happy! :) hehhe!! Yep! :D that is it! :D hehehe! Kheng:) 20.10.13 Haven't blog for ages! Really cannot stand something alr! I still choose nt to mention names! Even tho this is my blog, still haf "loyalty issues" tho shld still b able to guess? I really haf enuff le! Tt time she said I'm startin to become rude, & i guess i dunno wat she really means! Yest a bu jing yi process i realised & understood! Bt if tt is rude, den i will jus control & be polite at all times, coz tt to me is jus being e true me! Bt i tink even being e true me also cannot be rude! So I'll still control! Bt today really is like ??? She 无缘无故 pek chek me! Lose also dun displace anger on me hor! Maybe she is pek chek w her own performance? Bt she was obviously displayin her anger onto me! Dun see her displacing onto others! She is jus doin wat i do! & i actually feel tt wat i do is learnt frm her! Bt in any case, if she say I'm rude, she is also rude to me loh! Bt it's ok! Coz i shldn't be rude even if she is! I talkin in stupid riddles nw! Bt in any way, i jus v pek chek coz she is like ignoring me! Yi ge rude! Really v pek chek! Why shld i receive such treatment? *roll eyes* Really v angry! Bt it's ok! I can do w.o her! As in nt tt i shld b rude to her, bt if she wan to ignore me, i wun b affected also! It's nt coz she is ignoring me & i feel neglected, bt i dun like e feelin of being ignored! Like i deserve to be 2nd class like tt! & i nv even do anythin actively to irritate her! Maybe i did lah, bt i in even noe.. Den she behavin this way! Bt yep! Gg to stop here! Dun b so whiny! & this shldn't b sth tt will affect me! Feel like I'm so petty & bitchy complainin bout this! Ok! Stop! Kheng. 21.11.13 Haven't blog in a long long time! Coz previously was affected by sth tt i din wan to blog! Yep! Went thru all e ups & downs & i tink it's ok now? :) Haiz.. Dunno leh! This is like happening again! Tt time Vivian started work i also v sad! Like i v bu she de, bt i told myself to behave maturely coz i felt tt she also haf e bu she de & everythin came as a surprise & was v fast, tt is why i din wan her to feel tt it's like a "wrong" decision for applying so early! :/ This time round.. Haiz.. Today i first received prof marcus's email saying there isn't any prep work needed to conduct e focus grp, so i was v happy coz tt means after exams i can rest! & den tt means i can spend time w twinny! & a part of me was jus hoping tt the HR's lag ness will mean she wun start work so early! I only hoped it'll start e wk after my exams end! So tt i can go gai gai w her maybe after exams end? A wkday afternoon is jus different frm nite & frm wkends! & today a lot of calls bt all not SPD mah.. Who knows e last one was frm SPD to confirm.. & i tink i was upset coz i was given hope (by all my wishful thinking) b4 tt! & actually maybe e thing din really sink in a lot! I tink it's jus tt after tt she din reveal her salary, actually i noe she will tell me de, bt maybe coz laoshi & pau were there, so she din wan to "announce" it, so ask us to guess. Bt e 隐瞒 jus made me a little uncomfortable! & was ok de! Jus tt after tt wen i started drawing on her post-it & e CSSR rice packet, she also nv respond den i became v sad! & e downward spiral thingy came back again! :( Haiz.. & after tt it's the she angry i use "suck" tt word, den after tt i angry she ignore me, den she sad she couldn't go off w me & nw is e i sad she is sad & i jus dunno wat is wrong & cannot b sad... Haiz.. Complicated! she said maybe she is experiencing a bit of e pre-work placement anxiety.. I din tink of this coz i knew she was under a lot of pressure to find job & i thot this workplace she like a lot! Haiz..& if she is worried, den i cannot add on to her worry of me being upset tt she is starting work so soon! :( Haiz.. Jus v upset! & it's v upsetting wen all her msg-es come in w w :( or no "haha" or jus can tell she v upset! Den she wun explain why & after she explains, she always tells me "it's ok!", "dun worry", like it's so easy like tt! I tink I'm jus upset coz she wun share, & it feels like I'm talkin to a wall, really makes me v frustrated! & even if she dun wan to say, dun sad she is ok! I really v angry w her! Bt cannot b angry w her also! Coz she has meeting tmr & ltr she will cry & she alr has her own issues to deal w! Bt of coz I'm worried tt if i keep insisting for her to tell me, & she decides to open up & trust me in it, one day wen I'm no longer emotional available for her, den she will b so lost! & i caused it coz i forced open her "sharing system"! :/ & maybe i jus tink tt it's always me who is e one fa-ing pi qi, it's time or me to swallow a bit of e "indignation" & listen to her! So although i wan to really like throw tantrum & tell her tmr dun meet, i tink i shldn't! & i dun wan to make her cry again! Seriously, who m i to make her so 委屈？ I'm at most a best fren! I dunno hw to explain, it's nt tt I'm angry tt i feel v bullied or wat, bt is e why until now she still wun tell me her things? Haiz.. Ok! I go bath! Ltr den continue! Ok! Jus came out! & saw twinny's reply saying she tink le & she will tell me why.. I dunno wat she will tell me.. So ltr see how.. Bt really dunno.. Haiz.. I tink maybe coz b4 she went for interviews, i did tink tt i can sai nai to her & make a request for her to start work after i end exams! Bt in e end i din make tt request coz dunno wat ism will require me to do & more importantly, coz tt time i kept getting angry at her! Bt actually it is jus a v small wish, bt big request i noe! Bt coz i din say it out mah, so i cannot expect her to do it for me also! Coz she dunno mah.. Den after she told me she will start work on 2nd dec, den she said also good, coz like this may can take leave.. & i was again 满心期待, bt en she said so tt she can go visit anqi meimei in may, my heart sank! Haiz.. Not tt there is anything wrong, bt it's always my expectations tt land me in a v upset situation! & wenever I'm upset & throw tantrum, i wan her to see & respond! Like today, actually not sth v big i guess? Bt wen she din respond, everythin went down in a spiral. I also dunno lah.. I dunno wat to do! It's jus a very big qn mark. Maybe coz i cannot control anything, so i feel v helpless & v frustrated & jus plain upset. K lah. I'll stop her. She jus replied! & i tink blog further, I'll Crying face & den jie will see! So stop here. Kheng. 04.12.13 I jus "confronted"/"thrashed out" w twinny again! :( haixz this kind of out-of-control "feeling"(verb) is happening too often recently! I'm getting too easily upset w wat she said or did recently & way too often! Actually i really dunno leh, tt time wen i went back to tink! I felt a bit scared! It's like i every wk also will really angry her once or will definitely feel upset or anything w her.. It's like i tink I'm too emotionally connected w her? & of coz she also & she is v easily affected by me too such tt i also made her upset a lot all e time! :( bt e only way i can remain less reactive w her, is for me to pull myself away frm her & i dun wan to do tt.. & so much bout e buildin bricks,. Actually it's jus coz i wan her to noe wat I'm feeling.. Tt there is sth tt truly upsets me, & i dun wan to use things/excuses to cover up! It's maybe coz e few times we clarified things, it turned out well? Bt also coz e few times i din, it turned out real badly.. Tt wk or few wks of feelin she isn't listening ended up w incessant crying & e ikea incident & loads more stuff.. Last wk wen i joke joke joke become real, & den triggered so many things.. It was bad.. & den i tried to express myself v balanced-ly & used more i-statements & less emotion words.. I felt tt my point wasn't brought across & actually e issue wasn't resolved. I only managed to b okay coz en en's back home on sun cheered me up so much tt i decided tt i shld really jus suan le.. I'm nt sayin twinny is bullying me, bt there r really things tt i expect bt r not being fulfilled. I noe I'm asking a lot, esp frm jus a fren.. Bt if this is w kind of friendship & honesty to be expected, i honestly ain't strong enuff to balance myself on a lower set of expectations. It's a trade-off kind of thing.. I noe ppl can easily control & manage expectations & maybe i can jus tt I'm finding excuses, bt this is e kind of things i struggle w managing.. Nt exams stress or challenging situations. They r e matters of heart, the emotions stuff.. Yeah! I shall not talk bout e issue.. Coz i wan to go & sleep! I shld be revising for tmr's paper de! Bt really no mood! Partly coz of this incident, partly coz i myself no mood also lah.. Okay lah.. Maybe talk a bit.. It's like i dunno.. Maybe pay thinks tt if i cannot manage, i would tell her? I guess she thinks too highly of my assertive skills.. Firstly, my assertive skills r poor & even if i needed to study. I wun haf told her.. Plus it's a situation whereby I'm definitely more prepared than her.. If i study somemore (jus for my A) & leave her in lurch, i would tink tt I'm really selfish! & i wun be able to get past myself! Bt i really got quite frustrated wen i spent so much time! I jus dunno if i did e right thing, it's like i din even dared to tell gjj i was helpin my fren revise coz she sure think I'm crazily helpful! It's nt tt i mind helping & i noe at e end of e day, I'll get good karma, I'll earn friendship & i also managed to revise by gg thru w pau.. It's jus tt e economist part of my always get me v upset wen i "lose" so much time! I've my own fears bout my exams also mah.. Jus tt mine is more of a can i score A, whereas pau's whether can she even pass.. It's like jus coz I'm more capable & chooses not to burden other ppl by saying so much den i deserve it meh? Well, i chose it right? Bt maybe i jus hoped tt twinny understood bah.. It's like i din tell her so much coz i dun wan to b seen as bitching bout pau, plus i din wan go burden her too much! Bt i tink she din haf enuff info bah.. Maybe tt is why her reply was really like a double attack! I din recognise this fact! Haiz. Or rather i understood bt din accept this fact... I go explain to her now! Bt it's like i still hope i can help ppl lah! I really dun mind helping de.. Jus tt i like to complain a bit & wan to get some praises after tt.. Haiz.. K! I'm kinda "resolved" now! Jus hope my honest "feedback" to twinny jus nw wun result in greater unhappiness eventually! Kheng.

posts from 22.06.13 to 27.08.13

22/06/13 Hehe!! Came to play mahjong yest at dajie's place! Hehe! Last nite w jie fu, doe & yongjian! Den today w dajie instead of jie fu! Hehee! Supposed to go tuition this morn! Bt my tutee cancelled! Jus nice! & coz of haze, cannot play bmt! So play mahjong! :p hahahah! Yep! Hehhe! Den jus nw was hesitatin whether to go for bihong jie's bdae dinner or nt! Den in e end decided not to go! Coz I'm sticky! Den i wear till v cui! Coz this was totally nt in e plan! & need to take bus there myself also! :/ hehehe! Jus felt like gg coz feel like continuing hangin out w dajie they all! Hehehe! In love w gatherings & being in crowds recently! So scared of being alone huh? :p actually is tt kind of frm many ppl to nobody tt kind! if alone i ok! :p Hehehe! Yep! & it's bdae celebration mah! Can go den nv go like so buay steady! Bt din go eventually still! :p heheheh! Yeah! Coz really no budget to go eat restaurant at this time! Hehe! Yep! A bit emo leh! Dunno why! :p hahahaha! Is e sudden lonely feeling! Always get e feelin wen I'm leavin dajie's hs! Hahaha! So weird! :p Bt anw! I'm really hooked on mahjong! Hahahah! It's so fun! Heheh! Bt last nite lost $17+! Den today lost $6 worth of chips! Jus din come in my cards! Last nite 2nd round even worse! Actually i thot will really play till morning! Who knows they stopped at e end of 2nd pok! Hahaha! Bt okay lah! Den today also a bit the same! Bt 2nd round after jie fu came out, my cards became better! Doe doe played a ping hu for me to win! I 自摸 another! & e most fantastic one was i 起手 had 4 animals! So $6 chips per person plus it was already 5台! Hehehe! Din win! Bt actually tt helped me kio back some money! Hahaha! Dunno why so bu shun! Bt today managed to memorise a bit wat others r playing! Esp 下家! So not bad! Slowly improve! Hehehe! So nt bad! Tt is perhaps my learning this time! Hehe! It's ok luh! Play mahjong is need to pay school fees de! Hehehe! Paying nw! In progress! Hahah! Nw can still divide by 6! :p heheheh! Yeah! Hahaha! Actually still have other things to blog bout! Bt i tink those r only small emo stuff! Shld b over v easily de! So i shall blog! Hehehe! Nw 6pm! Tink will reach home by 630! Hehe! Wat shld i do tonight? :p hehehehe! Kheng :) 03/07/13 Omg! I've a confession to make! Jus nw met up w anqi they all! Den i v mean, i made a statement "if my cousin go queue for e hello kitty, I'll despise her!" Den after saying, i felt v bad!! I dun mean i despise ppl who queue for e hello kitty, bt my cousin isn't a hello kitty fan, so she unlikely to go queue! Aiyoh! Den after saying, i felt tt v bad! Coz i like sayin i despise ppl who queue for hello kitty! Den i tink of nomnom! Aiyoh!! I really dun tink ppl who queue for hello kitty r v diu1 lian4 leh! Jus tt wen I'm w anqi they all or w my family, e ah lian self comes out more! & I'll use words tt r more exaggerating/extreme! Haha! I also dunno why i feel so bad after saying!! I jus feel tt it's like i v 表里不一！i told nomnom i can help her buy e hello kitty if i pass by, den i make this kind of comment! Bt no leh! I really mean it wen i say I'll help! Den i really dun tink it's v wat to collect hello kitty, bt jus nw tt comment jus came out! Like v rude like tt! Aiyoh!! & dunno why feelin so uncomfortable after saying it!! :/ aiyoh!! I really dun mean it!! ** say too fast!! :/ bleh!! Mus really b careful w e words i use!! Even if more ah lian also cannot anyhow jiang hua! Heh! Kheng. 11/07/13 Social work convocation 2013! Happy for my frens!!! Ceremony went well! Took many pics!! & finished all e cards i was supposed to finish! Satisfied!! :D Bt also emo-ing!! Jus nw was walkin away frm UCC! Den decided to walk to take 198! Hehe! Actually kinda influenced by twinny's suggestion! Coz my 96 jus left! & i v scared I'll b at same bus stop as dabong's sec sch frens! So i decided to walk out! Enjoy e breeze, listen to songs, & den emo! :p Yep! & listened to a-lin's 难得. ＂虽然难得不必心痛。。" dunno why, jus feel e tears whelming up! Disclaimer: i only slept for 3hrs last nite! & has been rushing here & there e whole day! Not enuff slp + tired makes me more emo naturally! & also coz jus nw v v 热闹! After loads of fun, it's natural to b emo! :p yep! Yah loh! Actually is coz of tt dabong! Make me emo! Coz wen we were bout to leave, den she told me we'll still see each other! & tt i mus hang on for honours! & i thot of e fact tt this is graduation! It's like an official stamp to e fact tt she will b moving on into another life stage! Different frm me! & tink of her alr having started work..... Omg!!! I din feel anythin coz i noe I'll still see her on sat! & jus feel tt we'll still meet! & twinny i most prob can still hang ard w her! :) Bt really! Instantly e emotion was, "以后 NUS 这条路，我得自己走了！" not as in usually they will pei me walk! Bt it's jus the "u're alone now!" I've pau lah, bt e support style is different frm dabong's & tho twinny only became so impt to me recently, yah, diff frm twinny's style! Yah! Jus e emo feelin! HAIZ! Today v proud of myself! Today everythin i did was for my frens! I helped them take bags coz i noe if they haf to take, v heavy & take photos v ma fan! & i helped them take photos! Helped mama buy cake to celebrate! Hehehe! Nt askin for credit! Bt v happy tt today i totally jumped out of e frame of wat can i do to make myself feel impt!! I really put mysel totally in my dear frens' shoes! Feelin excited for them, helpin them w their graduation robes, carrying stuff, feelin excited & nervous for them as they go up, photos.... Everything! :) hehe! All thanks to twinny's influence! I see hw selfless she really is! She is always "ppl first, den herself!" & I've learnt tt frm her presumably! So today i really put myself in their shoes & did my best to make their experience today as best as possible! Not hao lian-ing, bt it is a kind of feelin good coz i wasn't selfish! & din emo over lame things! Hehehe! Yep! :) & of coz v proud tt i volunteered to take pics for twinny's family! Coz her sis sure will help us take pics de! Bt sure need ppl help them take! & i volunteered coz i noe twinny cherishes her family a lot! & she definitely would wan to take pics w them on such an impt day! <3 yep! Nt as if if i dun suggest, she wun b able to find ppl to take! Bt i wan to tell her "no need paiseh! I WAN to help u take!" Heheh! Yep! :) & i saw hw her dad helped her wear e graduation hat, i really felt tt her dad is 疼 her de! For e v least, i dun tink my dad will do it for me! & for dabong, i noe her dad loves her coz he took a pic of her in e grad robe! Probably to 留念 i guess!! Coz it's graduation frm uni after all! <3 & i see hw e family members/boyfriend of other frens r supportive too! Pingping, mama, Jiahui.. & of coz twinny's & dabong! They family really waited for them right till e end! Super touched! Twinny's family everytime also v supportive! They would always wait for her & right till e end! Even if she spends time jus waitin for frens like today! :) & dabong's dad jus stood by himself! Hahaha! Bt he still waited! <3 Touched! Bt i most prob will jus get mum they all to leave first! :) Esp if ah ma is coming! Heheh! I really hope my whole family will attend my convocation! Including bro, da Sao & en en & of coz ah ma & jie & my parents! ALL! Coz they are all my family members! My immediate family!! <3 nxt yr en en can walk alr! Most prob can call me gugu alr! <3 hehehe! Yep! My wish! Yah! & den I'll spend e whole time takin pics w frens! Bt maybe nxt yr also wun haf so many ppl! Coz they've to work! & as i "warned" dabong & twinny alr, maybe nxt yr we wun even be frens! Or nt so close? Who knows? After all it's a yr! Yep! & if there is to b a regret for takin honours, it would b tt i can't graduate w these dear frens of mine! So qiao pingping they all delayed batch, den tgt w my batch & even all those poly ppl like huiwen & mama! Bt well, can't possibly sacrifice honours & stuff jus for a chance to b in r same convocation as my dear frens! :p yep! Bt i guess it's good! Coz i nt graduating! So i could take pics for ppl! :) heehe! & today totally jus PA role! Hehehe! Glad tt i could b of service! Felt so useful! :D hehhe! & i got flowers for dabong & twinny! Coz standard mus buy de! Dun haf jus v weird! Hehehe! So i bot!! Hehe! Tho alone pay a bit ex! Bt once in a lifetime! Hehe! & e 3 of us jus kept taking pics w.o e rest! Our "secret" identity kena exposed alr!! :p hehehehe! Yeah! Bt v happy! Coz e last 3 was still e 3 of us! Come to tink of it, e 3 of us really haf similar character! Hehe! Probably e closest in our clique? At least in terms of being "sentimental"! :p hehehe! Yep! Jus nw i was like alone walk to meet them b4 their ceremony & alone walk to see them on stage halfway thru e ceremony! Maybe to others being ard is nt impt coz only for a short while b4 ceremony! Bt i felt tt it's support leh! E aim of coming today isn't it? It's nt to take pictures only, bt really show support! & glad i plucked up enuff courage to nt b afraid of paiseh & go! If nt wun haf been able to help them carry stuff, take pic, wear robe, buy flowers, see them go on stage & stuff!! Really leh!! All these ppl who r impt to me!! Dabong, twinny, huiwen, pingping, mama, juju... It's really a different feelin being able to graduate w them! Bt i cannot, so at least i see them on stage! Being on stage is really a very proud thing in my world! So seeing them go up really v touching! <3 毕业了！no matter hw much they haf struggled, they made it! & they're officially uni graduates now! 何等荣誉!! Yeah! Maybe I'm noob, so being a uni grad is still a big thing in my dictionary! Hehehe! Yep! Yah loh! So i feel tt today i did my very best to play a supporting role in this ceremony! & very glad tt i participated in their ceremony! I see them graduate! It's like a proud mum's feeling! Congrats frens! <3 good job!! <3 damn touched! <3 Yeah! Really.. Even tho i aren't graduating w them, i felt tt i did, w them, emotionally! & this is really my greatest 感动 for e day! & probably for e year? :) Kheng! :) 11.07.13 17.07.13 Hmm.. Today really a 峰回路转, roller coaster day! 530am.. Heard xuan xuan's crying! Super super loud! Den heard my mum mention 白金 den i knew sth mus haf happened to my neighbour's dad(xuan xuan's ah gong)... Haiz!! Started to tink of hw I'm gg to write a post to ji nian him! & in my dreams, i dreamt tt i was gg ard tryin to take a nice pic for him! To go w my fb post! Den woke up, decided to postpone e post! Maybe was misunderstanding! Went for bmt w qm, norine & maling! Den lunch! V long haven't seen my bearbear alr! So happy! Hehehe! Den otw home, wanted to go sit on e swing! & somehow God was nice to me today! It din rain & i yao-ed on e swing for quite some time till i giddy & switched to sitting on top of e slide! Hehehe! Yep! Bt sat there & received mum's SMS confirmation tt xuan2's ah gong left! & started thinkin of hw i can take a nice pic to post on Instagram instead of fb! & spent e hour(was it so long? Hehe) sitting there, lookin for quotes.. Thinkin bout things! Den went home! Saw xuan xuan at her door! Said hi to her & she gave me e usual "i pretend i nv see u" look bt somehow today maybe coz gate wasn't locked/i knew their family is havin a rough time, i felt tt xuan2's reaction was different & started thinkin of how a pity it will b wen she grows up having almost zero memory of her ah gong (coz of childhood amnesia) & all tt.. & tears started rolling down!! Non-stop.. Non-stop.. den went to bath! Den came out, also Zi zhao de, went to listen to Collin raye's "love me"(coz e pic tt i chose to represent wat i tink Xuanxuan might b feelin if she is even aware of wat's gg on was e last line of tt song), & den coz there is a context - i thot of how xuanxuan's popo will b reacting to all these.. & perhaps they did haf a love story behind them.... & omg, tears rolled down again... Den left house! Actually okay le! Bt listenin on bus & all tt made things worse! Den i thot of my own ah ma! Wat m i to do if e person becomes my ah ma? Den goodness, gg to cry again!! Den i picked a-lin's 难得 b4 meetin twinny! & e last lines of e song jus kept ringing in my head! & den twinny looked at me & said she is thinkin whether she shld do e "Smiling face with smiling eyes + shrug" or not! & i was like "dun do dun do!" Coz i sure will cry de! Coz v emotional & if ppl nice to me, i noe i sure cannot tahan de! Den gg to cry gg to cry! Den i told her to give me some time! I wanted to make sure i was ok b4 dabong sees me! Coz dun wan to make e mood depressing! Den luckily managed to find a toilet along e way to calm myself down! & after tt, i was rather okay! Yep! Had a nice meet up w dabong & twinny! Eat, joke, laugh & den talk bout serious & reflective stuff also! & heard nice songs at Coffee Club Express! #sometimes when we touch #the "i see ur true colours" song.. Another one which i cannot recall e title of e song of or hw e song goes! Hehehe! Yep! & den now.. Otw home! I tink if i hear songs tt will remind me of xuanxuan's ah gong's demise, tears might still whelm up! Bt as i told twinny, i believe in my self-healing abilities! Hehehe! I jus need a few days! :)) Bt really! This only reminds me of appreciating e ppl ard me! At first i was thinkin of my ah ma only bt twinny was right in mentionin tt it can b anyone! Yep! Coz i realised tt this time round, I'm quite affected coz e death is unexpected & sudden! My sis & mum were still talkin to him, a v healthy him tt day b4 this chain of events took place! Who would haf expected it? Yep! So if more stuff come like this, SUDDENly, I'm gg to haf a harder time coping! Yep! It jus feels like there is deeper meanin to this event! Yep! Haiz... Bt well!!! Still tt sentence! Rest In Peace, xuan xuan's ah gong! :) Kheng. 18.07.13 Hehe! On my fav bus ride home! Heheh! 156! Hehehe! Coz it's like uniquely IMH! & it's really LONG! Hahaha! Initially wanted to slp, bt i guess i can afford some time to blog & perhaps organize stuff over whatsapp/msg! Hehe Yep! Today is like nolstagia day! Went back NJ help ancestor settle stuff! Den it was like so much memories jus standin in front of e podium & stepping onto e "concourse" area! Can't rmb wat name is given to tt place! Heehe! Den it was to ah ma's hs! Passed by RV's commonwealth's holdin site! Den it was like all connected! Coz i tink of NJ! Haha! Passin by all my alma matars(dunno if this is e right term/spelling! :p) & den to ah ma's place! Super super short catch up w gege! Den out to meet pau & jael for Jael's exhibition! Heehe! Really a nice exhibition! Esp after Jael explains her concept of moments! I guess tt's why u need to haf a personal connection or at least noe e author/artist b4 u can feel for e art piece! Hehe! If nt I'll jus say e photos r v nice! Heheh! & it's all thanks to pau, coz she really asked in dept bout some photos! & she mentioned bout e concept of memories! Love how Jael defines it e "moment" concept! Hehehe! Like e quote bt cannot post Instagram coz we forgot to check w fiona if she can join us today! Heheh! Yep! Actually e one w insights is Pau! Not me! Hahaha! So tt's why twinny's words really validate me a lot! Hahaha! She makes it such tt i speak w so much depth! Bt i noe i dun haf! Jus tt i tink a lot bout things! Hehehe! & perhaps do haf some conclusions after thinkin! :p hahahah! Yep! & i like wat Jael said bout how irritatin tt we're being defined by our academic results. "U can't write essays & u're a C grader!" Not e first time I'm hearin this, bt wen she said it, i was like "this is so true! Yah! I'm ashamed of it SO much!" Coz I'm also using this meaningless grades to define myself! I tink I'm smart coz i can do Math & Science! Wat bout Art, lit, geog, history? I can't write essays & my CAP is nt first class & i feel tt I'm not good enuff.. Hmm.. Isn't it meaningless actually? Yep! Food for thot for e day! :) hehe! Yep! & now to e lame stuff! Haha! Gg to talk in riddles coz I'm nt gg to mention even e theme! Hahahah! Coz I'll feel ashamed of myself if one day i die & ppl read(if anyone really does) it! Hahaha! Yep! Less affected actually! Bt i do tink bout it leh! Tt my effort has to b double & it still doesn't reach the ypjh stage! Coz some stuff is talk bout whether u share e same wiring system or nt de! Hehehe! Bt it's ok! Tis doesn't feel like a profit-generating input system! So I'm nt consciously calculating how much effort i put in & whether i get e returns or nt! & e input process is nt tiring at all! Hehe! Most impt-ly is i aren't affected can le! :D heheh! (Ps: i nt talkin bout pau/jael!) Heheh! Yep! & jus nw jael asked a qn! I do nt tink tt it's insensitive or anythin! Heheh! Jus tink tt my ans could haf been better-phrased! Hehe! She asked pau & i whether r we each other's closest fren in our uni clique! Den pau left it to me to ans! Hahaha! Coz we both noe e issue! Heehe! I'm definitely pau's closest fren in this clique! Hehe! Bt pau is nt e sole one who closest to me in this clique! Coz there's Vivian! & i actually said tt Vivian is my closest fren & pau is e 2nd closest! A little less close than viv! Hahaha! Oops! Really nt v sensitive this ans tho it might well b e truth! Hehe! Coz viv i really haf been thru more & we haf more similarities than i share w pau! BUT!! Pau is right in tt we're different kind of frens! I talk w viv Cat A stuff bt i talk to pau bout Cat B stuff! & actually I'm very close to both of them! Hehehe! E ans came out like w.o much thot coz tt time i discussed this w dabong & we were ranking! & i gave e same ranking! Hehehe! I was thinkin of whatsapp-in pau to explain to her but i guess it doesn't bother her! Hahahaha! Oops! Maybe nxt time wen i write her a card, I'll explain myself properly! Hehehe! Bt actually nw there is another person into e equation! Hehehe! Twinny! :)) yeah loh! We really jus spam each other like nobody's business for e past 2 wks! Heheh! & b4 tt there was some spamming also! Bt for e past 2 wks, really is 事无大小 i also will tell her! I tink she told me quite a bit also! Heehe! Yeah loh! I also dunno where to place her in e equation! Heehe! Let time tell bah! As i said, maybe by nxt yr commencement, i wun b close frens w dabong & twinny le! & maybe even pau also? Hahaha! We nv noe! Nt tt i dun haf faith, actually i dun haf much faith, coz in e past 2 yrs, really experienced too much - dashen, Esther(bt i saved it back! :D), pingping, huiwen... It's like u tink everythin is gg fine! Den things really do change.. Hw many countless nights haf i spent talkin, whatsapp-ing, hangin ard in yah's office w dashen? & i also used to b tellin pingping every little thing! Hehehe! & she also shared w me! Heheh! Bt as time passes, our paths jus diverge! Nt sure if anyone of us really did stop tryin or it was jus a natural thingy.. Hehe! But.. Well.. As i told twinny tt day, wat really counts is e memories! Every time i see a nice pic w a quote, I'll tink of pingping.. Wen i walk e imh path, wen i tink of marriage proposal, wen i climb e web at clementi, wen i wear my blue cargigan frm Uniqlo.... Yep! These things can't b taken away frm me! & after tt day's meetup w pau & pingping, perhaps pingping & i wun b able to live up e amt of sharing we used to b havin, bt i guess even if I'm nt too sure wat kind of fren I'm nw to pingping, my side of e equation can remain unchanged! She was once a v impt fren to me & i still hope she can b an impt fren to me! Hehehe! i do haf many other impt frens! Bt it's jus the "i noe why i was so "sticky" to pingping then! Much more than me thinkin she needs me & i happening to be e free & suitable one (coz I'm a SW student)" hehe! Yep! Shit! I tink I'm makin myself sound too great! I needed pingping's support then also of coz!!!! & she really was v supportive of me!!! <3 Yep! :) & as i was thinkin bout it, i realised i really m very blessed! I've many ppl who haf accompanied me thru e different parts of my life! It's like even tho it was a terrible start to uni, I've actually made a few quality close frens! Like dabong, pau, twinny! & some maybe is history le/uncertain now.. Bt once v jing cai!! Hehe! Like pingping, huiwen... Yep!! & nt forgettin e other frens whom I've made in e earlier part of my life!! yep! Counting my blessings tonight once again! Kheng<3 21/06/13 I tink this might b one of e most "wrong" posts tt I'm writin in these few mths i tink! I'll decide as i type whether to reveal or nt! Hehe! Truth to b told, I'm v disappointed! & upset! Heheh! Bt i tink perhaps tt's God's way to help me slow down? Hehe! Coz i tink it jus went all in e wrong way! Secrets! It's nt a good start bah! & that's why we r both stuck in this position! Coz can't say bt a bit can't move backwards also! Yep! Aiyoh! I sound like I'm havin an affair w a 3rd party! Nope I'm not! Hehe! Yeah loh! I feel bad also for havin so many secrets! Bt actually I've no intention in revealing e secrets also! Coz i feel tt it belongs uniquely to my fren & I! Bt perhaps it jus can't b this way bah! If nt it wun b a lecture point in social work rite? :p heheh! E issue of grp friendship & individual friendship again! Bt okay lah! I tink I'm nt sayin further! Coz I haf decided to adopt a "dun reveal" approach! & it's hard to b bloggin bout anythin! & actually I'm feelin quite upset & disappointed still!! Actually i dunno hw my fren is feelin leh! Same as me? If so, i can try & b more encouraging? :) i tink she is jus choosing e more mature way of handlin this issue bah! If nt one day wen all e secrets all r revealed, it'll b in a 无法收拾 manner! & actually i noe it lah! Jus tt I'm nt facing it actually! I'm still choosing to take risk & walk e "不归路"! Hehe! I realised I'm still able to blog in riddles! Still haf things to say! :) hehe! Yah loh! My "all-or-nothin" mentality is setting in again! Hehe! Bt yeah! As i said, it was all wrong right frm e beginning! I guess it's time to 拨乱反正！ Jus tryin to react in e most mature way i can! Hehe! Leaving 余地 & 台阶 for myself in case i regret in future! Yah loh! Haiz.. Actually i really am v upset! I noe it's v lame of me to b feelin upset coz it's all wrong right frm e beginning! Hmm.. Bt I'm jus upset! I'm entitled to tt upset-ness! Hehe! Bt yah loh! Haiz!! Suan le! Not gg any further! These few days a bit not v smooth! As in tt kind of peace b4 storm kind of 阴阴暗暗, 不安心 kind of stability! Hehe! It's really a kind of dilemma! I tink i can drop many of my thots le bah! Hehe! Coz i shldn't even haf had those thots right in e first place! Yep! Suan4 le bah! Certain things r meant to b in a certain way! :) E kind of u're "freed" & safe now, bt u're nt really v happy w this new-found freedom coz u lost something tt was precious in e tensed/unsafe stage! Luckily these issues haf been weighin on my mind all these while! Coz if nt after e msg, it will b even worse coz will emo 3 days! Hahah! Yeah loh! Nvm lah! Anw, i noe this can't b sustained e in e long run also! & I'm gg to start sch soon & we're gg to move on into another life phase! 10yrs down e road, it'll b changed still also! :) so mei shi mei shi!! It's jus losing it earlier! Maybe my fren dun see it as a lost, bt to me it alr is le! Coz of different expectations! Secrets again! Secrets frm her, secrets frm another her, secrets frm e many other hers! Yeah loh! U noe it isn't sustainable kheng! Isn't it good tt someone corrected it for u? :) & good or bad, u'll nv noe till e end! Jus like hw it was good initially, terribly bad nw! Who noes it will b a good many yrs ltr? *tink-in of e consequences of insisting on doin this e wrong way* Yah lah! I'm jus swingin between e 2 sides!! Coz i noe pros & cons frm both ends! I understand bt I'm still sad! As simple as tt! Ok! I'm gg to slp! I dunno wat my emotions will b e nxt few days! Jus let it flow bah! Coz I've alr made e logical decision on wat to do le, it's time to let e emotions run freely! Kheng. 22/07/13 Jus watched e last ep of 金枝玉孽2! Actually really dunno if it was e right decision to watch it wen I'm nt exactly v stable emotionally! Bt i guess e reflections offered in e show did make me feel more at peace now! Bt I'm still stuck btw 2 ends! Sometimes e solace tt is being offered in drama, esp in 古装, i really dunno hw applicable it can b to our lives! After all, we dun live in e 红墙 & haf loneliness & lack of freedom as our only troubles! Wen i tink of e challenges of reality tt I've to be handling, like sch assignments, like life challenges, like money... I dunno if that peace of mind can still b found or nt! We r living a real life here, it doesn't always haf an ending, & definitely happy ending of coz, like in dramas! Yep! Bt in any case, back to myself, actually i jus keep thinkin! Is it really such a big deal? Perhaps not leh! Bt why izzit such a big deal to me? Let go a bit isn't it good? Isn't it achievablev maybe dun hold on to it so tightly, I'll b happier? Yes rite? I tink being e shallow me, i jus can't see e benefits or jus aren't willin to go & see them coz i perceive wat has happened as a loss, & i wan to b here lamenting & b grumpy bout e loss! Is there a need? I dunno! Is it necessary for my healin? I dunno either! No promises in e beginning anyway, bt at least there was a dream bubble! Nw tt it has been stated explicitly, e bubble is burst & tt's why I'm upset! Even tho i noe it was a bubble & has to b burst someday somehow, right frm e beginning! I'm feelin lost now coz i feel e need to heal my own emotions, yet behave maturely! & i dunno wat is my "对手" thinkin! So e more i dun dare to act! I wan to express tt I've been affected, bt i dun wan to spoil anythin! I wan to continue on but i fear e rejection again! I wan to let go a little but i can't bear! I wan to cling on to it, bt I'm afraid tt it's still one-sided! Perhaps e bubble has been burst, bt tt is still somethin worth holding on to inside e bubble & it has always been mine, nv been taken away, bt i jus feel tt everythin has been taken away frm me! Actually it's only frm level 10 to level 8, bt I'm lettin it fall to level 5 or even lower, coz I'm afraid! Coz once experienced, I'm afraid of experiencing it again! I'm jus fearful! & I'm thinkin of lettin it free fall coz i feel tt I've been clingin on to e wrong thing right frm e beginning! I tink since it's God's will/intention of offerin e chance to 拨乱反正, i shld not b willful & go against e good intentions! But if it means lettin go & restarting, it seems like a painful process & i dunno if I've e courage to actually restart it! So all I'm thinkin of is jus lettin go! Actually i jus dun tink things can continue on at level 8! As simple as tt! Hw can it b a level 10 interaction wen it's at level 8 nw? Lol!! I really tink I'm damn good at talkin in riddles! Lol! Dun even noe whether will i understand wat I'm writin here 10yrs down e road! Or maybe jus 10mths down e road! :p hahaha! 10wks i shld b able to discern still! ;p 就是说咯！想要抽身，又很像不对！而且我想我自己也不舍得抽身！ Yah loh! Perhaps I'm thinkin of lettin it free fall also coz i noe it is wrong right frm e beginning! This jus totally feels like I've an extramarital affair can! LOL!! Omg!! I'm jus tink-in whether will i still b able to enjoy havin e same level of 交心-ness! & actually I'm sure I wun dare to try anymore! & if i dun dare to try, it might mean tt I'll b perceived as havin let go or i might jus end up being in tt stage sooner or later! Die lah! Why r my dreams 破碎-in so easily & so quickly nowadays! 一个比一个快！bt of coz e upset-ness dun really get reduced actually! It jus fluctuates! Hahaha! Haiz! B normal! R u capable of doin it fren? Bt u also noe u can't afford & wun wan to b abnormal! Or perhaps i shldn't even b thinkin! Jus let nature run its own course? Bt cannot leh! I need to noe wat i wan mah! Coz i cannot b doin nth actually! Hahaha! If i do nth, it'll b = givin up! Bt i cannot really decide if i wan to give up or nt! As in I'm nt ready for e 2nd wave of emotions over havin to give up & possibly makin someone b upset or lose faith in this whole thing altogether! Haiyo!! How ah? Bt okay lah! Actually i noe i wun b givin up yet! Bt maybe it'll wither along e way! I dunno! :/ jus b prepared for a slow loss bah kheng? Anythin else will b a bonus! Ok? Deal? Or perhaps i jus dun tink bout it! Jus let it function at a level 8, at least i can still b happy rite? Jus tt i dunno hw long it can last! & if i get bitten e 2nd time, 3rd time, jus let it be! & slowly slowly let things fade? Actually i really dun like this outcome! Bt is it e best way out nw? So tt at least i dun b a murderer & an accused rite? Tho passively lettin it die is also nt right! LOL! My analogies really all over e place! Gettin more & more absurd! Bt i tink they r apt ok! :p hehhe! Yep! Actually i noe it's nt only me who is tryin, i do noe it! Jus tt i dun dare to believe it! Might it b jus out of guilt? Or sth? I also dunno! Jus dun dare to believe anythin nw! Lol! & guess wat? I'm sure this wun b e last time I'll b experiencing such emotions or bloggin bout such stuff! History has jus repeated itself too many times! Maybe it's coz I'm nt tryin hard enuff to make a change, bt it's always e same cycle & same issues! & i tink i'm so disempowered tt i dun tink i will b able to change things! Maybe it's this mentality Tt's why I'm indeed stuck in this cycle forever! But.. I really dunno wat to do! I dun like to pull back until i 碰钉子 coz e instant gratification is too much! & perhaps tt is why I'm destined to b stuck in it! M i really able to change things? I dunno leh! Maybe i can try? & lol, this thing bout tryin, isn't e first time I'm thinkin or even bloggin bout it also! K lah! That shall b it! If i go out nw also too late le right? Yep! So i shall go nap bah!! :p heheh! Anw i cannot b sure whether gg out & emo-in by e beach or water will make things better or worse? I shall jus carry on w plan A! Heheh! It shall b switched to a plan B if plan A dun work! :p heheh!! Kheng. Haiz! 硬着头皮先吧! 27.07.13, 0123hrs Hehe! Gg to slp soon! Bt b4 i slp, jus wanna blog bout my stabilizer after probably close to a wk of unstable emotions & uncertainty! Talked to ancestor jus nw! On our way to tard's convo, & i shared w her e worst secret I can b havin at this current stage! Coz i wanted to share bout e dream! & actually it felt like a wrong decision to b sharing initially coz i totally din noe hw shld i b sharing it (such tt i dun spoil my own image & can cover up for my "wrongdoings")! But it turned out to b one of my best decisions in this wk! Yep! Ancestor's words jus validated wat I've been feelin so far! She actually supported me in my thots wen i thot tt no one will ever tink I'm right to haf those thots! Bt i guess maybe it's coz i nv tell her everythin coz i cannot allow my image to b tt bad in front of anybody! :p hehe! Yep! Bt she understood wat i meant! & really validated wat i was feelin! So i felt really a lot better after it!! Like a xin1 zhong1 da shi being released! & as i was talkin to her, i realised tt there is one thing tt I'm nt willin to let it become an open secret! Bt actually ancestor encouraged me to open up & nt make it a secret! Bt i guess my assessment of e situation is tt I'm nt gg to say still! Coz i dunno wat r e repercussions of saying! & i dun wan to b troubled w another round of feelin bad, worries... I tink coz it's alr a secret, whether i say it nw or let it get exposed in future, it's gg to b equally bad! Haiz! So I'm gg to keep it a secret & pray tt it'll nv get exposed? Or at least exposed at a stage where e impact wun b so great? I also dunno! I jus dun wish to hurt anyone! Bt perhaps it's too late now! :/ Yep! Bt talkin to ancestor really helped me loosen my grip a little! I knew tt i really haf frens to count on even if i haf a really really terrible & dark secret or I'm havin a real bad time!! Nt tt my other frens aren't supportive, bt i dun dare to say! & even w ancestor, i also said it coz i started e thread & definitely had to finish it! Coz i dun wan to let ancestor tink tt I'm nt tellin her stuff! Tho i noe she is someone who believes tt everyone has some things tt they do nt wish to share w others! :) Yep! Bt anw! It's totally a good decision to share w ancestor! I feel much much better now! Tho i dunno hw long this can last, it's definitely a good start or at least a good respite! :) Yep! & hopefully i can balance things out so tt i can b in charge of my own emotions! :) Yes! Bt anw, nice to haf seen tong & ancestor jus nw! & see tard! & also saw twinny! :) heheh! Actually i noe she sure will come find me de or we sure will meet dao de! Heheh! Haf such strong faith rite? :p bt glad we really met! & also saw jiayi, & juat ying! tho was initially a little awkward wen everyone stood ard in a circle! & also a nice short chat w YingJie! Feel v loved actually wen we could hold hands! Coz yj is definitely e person I'm least close to in our clique & I'm sure I'm e least close to her! Bt i feel tt she bothers bout our friendship still! & so, really jus happy & satisfied w simple acts like this! :) Yep! Saw many RV-Ians today! Jus like e comfort of seeing old sch mates! <3 & noe-in tt we somehow do noe one another actually! :) heheh! Yep! Tmr will b e 2nd round of "major graduation"! Hehe! Coz most of my good frens will b graduating from NBS's accountin tmr! Feelin a little excited bout it! & of coz happy for them! Ppl tt i love! & haf accompanied me thru e different parts of my life! (Sec sch onwards of coz! ;p) Yep! It's their day tmr! & kheng is gg to slp nw! W quite a peaceful peace of mind! <3 Nitex world! :) thanks to e higher being for helping me find peace tonight! <3 I'm grateful for tt! Kheng :) 27/07/13 Hmm.. Today is definitely worth a blog! Coz a day for many of my impt frens! :) hehe! & also a lot of thots & reflections bout wat I've been grappling w recently! :) Firstly! It din start off v well! Coz e flowers meant for fy & yj totally were like bai bai flowers & cannot b given to them! So we ended up havin to take them out in & put them onto e other flower tt mat bot! Goodness! Wasted my $20 bt a lesson learnt! To check w ppl always first b4 deciding! Den mat sounded a little angst over e phone! So i was quite afraid tt wen she came, she would b unhappy! Bt luckily she din! & we managed to fix everything by bout e time they came out! Felt bad towards norine coz i was worryin non-stop bout whether we've time to fix e flowers or nt! & she knew i was flustered, so she got us to alight first! Hehe! V sweet & understanding of her! Many years of friendship really not for nought (did i use it correctly? :p) Den also din spend time w ancestor & her! Coz after tt went to find fy & yj! Den came back to qimin & fann! Fann was super busy & i was waitin to go & find my jc clique! So couldn't spend much time there also! Bt took pics w fann! :D & v nice of her to ask me if i wanted a lift b4 she left! <3 Den went to find jc ppl! Den reach le den ling & ah liow was like "why u so slow?!" & i was actually a little angst! Actually i din feel good bout havin to shuffle btw so many ppl! Coz my bdae party it's diff, coz I'm e star, so ppl will understand! Bt nw I'm nt e star, so i cannot b expecting ppl to attend to me first, bt i had to go to other groups! & den ling jus reached mah! Nt tt i dun care bout my jc frens! Haiz! Yah loh! So was a little sian! Bt after a while den okay le! It's jus hw we talk i guess? My jc clique is jus like tt! If nt hw i b myself wen i bridge w them? :p Yep! Den took photos w them! & managed to catch yitong for tt little while! :D happy! :) & den managed to b servant to anqi lim for a while! Hehe! I realised i actually like tt role a lot! Coz it makes me feel impt i guess? Bt it's e idea tt i can b doin sth for my frens! :D hehee!! Bt failed to help them capture jump shots! :( bt ling did it, so still ok! :) Den after tt lunch w YingJie & fangyi & yj's family & poofies! Den went up to yah for a while to pass Chongchong e letter! Din wan mat & fh to wait! So after a while Siam-Ed! Bt i told Chongchong I'll visit them again w dabong! :) Den went to bai bai w mat & fh! :) hehe! Den came home! Reached home, 6pm le! Yi ge shag! Wan to slp bt cannot! Coz ltr néed to eat dinner! If i slp i most prob wun wake up le! Actually still need to edit & send e Polaroid photos out on behalf of twinny & write a farewell card to Mat! Bt feelin so tired! Coz tmr full day of activities again! :/ hoping tt i can rest on bus to genting & perhaps a little in genting? Hehe! I'm actually tired after all these gg out! It's actually like switching sides kinda thing! In e past i cherish my nua at home time a lot! Bt twinny & dabong & my uni clique "revolutionized" my stand after e grad trip! I was actually happy to b out w them! & i was actually lookin forward to outings & gatherings! Bt this wk, startin to die down again! Coz i tink I'm really gg out too much! Den i slp v late coz i WANT(zhong dian, wan! heheh!) to text twinny & in case dabong SOS-es at nite! So actually v tired! Den i tink plus all e fan-Wei-ness & lack of food intake, i end up being even more tired? & haiz.. Jus nt v good days! This wk really hasn't been good except for wed & last nite! Jus e general emo feeling! Dunno is mood affect appetite or appetite affect mood; den jus feel so down all e time! Btw, i wan to say tt I'm losin my temper quite often recently! Tt day wen we were bridging at baby's hs, i kinda shot her coz she said i anyhow play! Den wen we were playin bmt last sat, i snapped at dajie! Sun i kinda black-faced bihong jie! Den jus nw i kinda shouted at ling over e phone coz she asked me to quickly go over bt din tell me where! Den jus nw at bugis, i raised my voice at mat coz she couldn't hear wat i was sayin(bugis street was quite noisy) & i repeated quite a few times alr & she gave me e "huh+pek chek" look den i kena triggered! Actually most of e time wen we "huh?", we will haf e pek chek look! Tt's why i always try to use "sorry?" Instead of "huh?" Bt i really need not haf shouted at mat, or any of e ppl I've mentioned above! Bt my fuse jus quite short recently! I snap v easily! & is uncontrollable tt kind! Like it jus comes out as a response suddenly! :/ which is quite bad! Coz is tt time of u do le den after tt den say sorry a bit too late kind! :/ haiz!! & back to my down-ness! I dunno leh! Actually sun's incident jus affected my entire week! Actually b4 tt, i was alr affected! Sat night was e calm b4 storm kind! & durin e day wen i was playin badminton, i alr snapped so easily le! Haiz! Bt after sun tt thing came out, it jus became 一发不可收拾！ Haiz!! & i dunno leh! I'm nt enjoyin outings as much nw izzit coz it's nt w dabong & twinny & e rest? I tink I'm too used to that level & style of interaction? Den wen i step aside, jus cannot adapt! Actually hor, e grad trip gave me a lot of things, bt it also seems to b giving quite a bit of prob! Really is dunno "是福是祸＂! Haiz!! Bt actually it was really a good experience! Bt only coz is me this kind of human, tt's why can make such a happy experience bring on so many problems! Haiz! Yah loh! Actually today ok leh! Morn was too busy for me to be thinkin bout anythin else! Den until after lunch wen my mind was freed frm a lot of space, den i started brooding! Nt really brooding, bt i feel tt i feel v empty & nt v happy again! It's nt e after-party kind of emptiness, bt it's like nth to keep me busy & frm thinkin bout e things tt haf been botherin me! Actually, i tink I'm v afraid of being lonely! Really v afraid! I'm afraid of losin twinny actually! I noe she will stay by my side even in e many yrs to come, even if things change & stuff, bt i dun haf faith in time, in our separate paths, in life! Haiz! I jus tink tt we cannot forever b texting! & actually i dunno why i need it so much! I tink it's jus e idea tt someone really is interested in hearin out wat u've to share! & I'm jus so reliant on sharing random things w her! It seems like a habit now! & i really dunno whether will i b capable of adapting to nt havin it! Jus tt wat i was thinkin tt day b4 i napped! Actually if this life, u've no one to share it w, it really seems a little meaningless! It's like there is no one in my family who shares my outlook in life! & i tink w my other frens, perhaps we've all established e equilibrium of knowin we care bt perhaps coz we're such old frens, we wun b at e stage of attendin to each & everythin in r other person's life! Bt twinny is like a new fren, as in a new "good fren", so there is e excitement of wantin to share everythin w her! & she actually shares quite a bit of random things w me too lah! Hahaha!! Bt it's coz we both enjoy this kind of interaction(I'm assumin she does! Hehe) bt.. Can it b sustained in e long run? Wen I've to mug, wen she has to work, wen we grow up, perhaps meet new good frens, perhaps a bf, a husband, haf our own family! Of coz if tt happens, i jus believe we will haf new anchors! Bt actually, wat if it doesn't happen? Actually i jus tink tt once i start work, I'll haf things to do! & i wun b like feelin so empty! After work maybe I'll b so tired, i wun haf time for all these! Bt perhaps I'm jus thinkin of e nxt sem? Or actually maybe I'm jus thinkin bout these remainin 2 wks bah! I tink once sem starts & i need to study & stuff, i wun haf time & definitely wun b brooding over all these things! Hmm! I seem to haf found e solution to my prob hor? HEHE!! Yay!! Like suddenly 豁然开朗！heheh! Bt I'll jus continue bloggin! Coz i feel tt these issues will come up again de! At least in these 2 wks? :p Yeah loh! I tink I'm b afraid of being alone! Being all by myself! Actually i do haf many good frens! Bt really is tt kind of 各有各忙！at least e sec sch 3 of my "6 ppl whom i confide in, in times of troubles" r busy ppl! Hehe! Yep! & actually i noe I'm forever anchoring on ppl! Tho I've switched anchors & told myself to survive on my own! Actually I'm jus v afraid! Jus nw i was thinkin wat if one day i lose twinny this anchor, & i dun manage to find another one, den I've no one to share e happiness & all in my life! No one to discuss bout which artist/song to listen to, no one to jus be constantly texting to.. & den wat will happen to my life? Den jus nw i saw mama, & she was "tsk-in" & i was thinkin will i become tho unhappy woman who dunno wat is there to live for in life? & i started to think.. Is my "naturally happy" character inborn? Will it change? After all, it's nt like I've e ability/skills to b happy wenever I'm on e down! It's jus tt unless I'm emo-in, I'm usually quite happy! Jus nt a natural pessimist! Den wat if in future my life is nt happy, I'll b dead! Coz i dun haf e skills to make myself happy! Coz my emotions haf nv been in my control! I'm happy I'm happy! I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy! I like this person, i like this person! I dun like this person den i dun like loh! I can behave maturely bt i cannot change wat i feel deep inside! Yep! & tues jus showed me tt I'm like 越陷越深！tues was e "go swing also din help" kind! Haiz! :/ & it's tt kind of totally nv help leh! Tho i swing-ed, listened to songs & even tear-ed, enjoyed e breeze... Everythin! Bt it jus din help! Tt's why I'm really v scared! Zen me ban? Den i was thinkin whether will my natural optimist character change & I'm so afraid of leadin an unhappy life for e rest of my life! Wo bu yao!!! Bt also! My only comfort was tt i realised wen I'm able to contribute or do sth, i become more positive & happier! So i was countin on my social work job! Jus hopin i would b able to help ppl & derive happiness & meaning in life frm there! Yep! Writin like it's none of my business nw! Coz, i found e solution to my upset-ness! Hahaha!! Yep! It's jus e suddenly perked up feelin! Actually i noe leh! Tt if i start work, i wun b so needy coz i wun haf time! Bt i jus felt tt e nxt yr I'll still b sufferin! :p hehehe! Bt seems like actually i wun! Coz i need to study! Hehehe!!! Shi de!! Thank God! Tt's why i believe tt wen God closes a door, he opens another window for u! Tt's why i noe i will always be fine, jus tt i dun tink I'm in control of wen tt will happen & how tt will happen! Coz I'm always at e mercy of my emotions! Yep! & i was also thinkin! If let's say I've no twinny to rely on, & no other person comes along.. Will i b really upset coz I'm alone or might it be tt coz i no longer haf an anchor, I'll anchor onto everyone & be fine actually? I also dunno leh! Bt i tried to recall b4 twinny came into e pic, i could also survive ah! & tt time was wen pingping kinda half-exited alr! Bt i survived leh! Why do i feel tt i cannot survive nw? & actually i noe de leh! Tt I'll survive! Jus like hw I'll weep at every graduation/separation bt will emerge fine e nxt day/wk or sth! Bt i felt fear jus nw! V much coz tues's emo-ness was kinda unprecedented or jus tt i haven't recalled anythin of tt scale! & also coz jie told me tt perhaps wen u grow older, u might start to feel less happy! & also coz perhaps many of my frens r transiting into another life stage! & i noe tt things will change, e alr rare meetings might become even rarer! & maybe subconsciously I'm feelin lonely coz I noe tt my frens r gg to b further apart frm me? Hehe! Bt anyway, this reminds me of sth jie said, which i noe is true! She asked me, "why u keep meetin up w ur frens?" & i said coz i wan to keep e bond & they're good support for me & in future, hopefully they'll b ard for me (nt tt i treat frens as a commodity, bt I'm indeed in need of support frm ppl!) den jie told me sth like this "kheng! In future they will b busy w their own things & they wun haf time for u le!" Which actually made me tink bout it! & i tink it's so so true! Coz i tink bout it, married, work(accountants & lawyers dun knock off on time).. 5-day work wk! Weekends is for family & rest! Who can spend time w u? To go gym, to go chill, to go shop, to go eat, to play bridge, to play badminton? All those r like 天方夜谭！& i guess.. This is e first time I'm facin this issue? Coz in e past.. We jus transit to another education stage of our life! Bt e fact tt we're still schooling makes it such tt we noe we'll still meet new frens & tt we'll still haf time for one another! Bt nw, it becomes work(5 days gone)! & marriage & family! Frens really rank nothin compared to all these! Perhaps this is why this time round, it's so different? & perhaps i dun tink big of all these things, bt maybe they're weighin at e back of my mind! & creates e emo cloud? Hehe! Bt i guess I'm seein light now? & e only ans I've to this is tt "I'll b busy also! & perhaps den, it's really to e point where u've to b selective & see who u really wan to keep close to ur heart?" Yep! Such a harsh reality, bt so true huh? Bt it's nt really harsh or emo for me, bt something tt i can accept as part of life, coz it's sth tt everyone has to go thru & I'll b one of these ppl too! & by then, perhaps i jus wan to b at home to rest! Hehehe! & this perhaps brings me to e point! Perhaps e nxt few months will b crucial for me & twinny to build up a stronger bond! B4 she starts work! Such tt by then, even wen we can't text each other every now & then, we can still keep each other close to our hearts! :) Read tt day frm a book "things tt r built faster also get destroyed faster" & e first thing i thot of was pingping, dashen & i thot bout twinny of coz! V afraid tt twinny will jus become my "third eg"! Bt hopin it wun! Actually i keep using pingping as an eg, bt after tt day's meetup, i noe tt pingping is nt jus someone whom i got close to & feel no loss over e loss of our bond!! & sometimes i do tink of textin her again! Bt i tink I'm afraid of rejection/being irritatin! Bt somethin dabong always says jus came to mind "jus do it!" Yep! Perhaps nxt wk I'll do it! Nt procrastinating bt today sat lah! :p heheh! Yep! & dunno leh! I dun wan my friendship w twinny to become like tt w her junior! Where we cna chat normally over whatsapp bt afraid of meetin up coz dun dare to do anythin to challenge e status quo! I dunno whether after e "dun meet up on our own", will it change things or nt lah, I'm jus afraid nw we're alr starting to get used to this status quo! Bt hopefully e meetups as a trio/clique will b kept up? & let's see bah! I keep thinkin & thinkin, i noe I'll nv haf control over wat will happen & actually things will nv happen according to plan! Which is a good thing coz it means tt my fears most prob wun come true, bt, it also means a tinge of uncertainty coz other things can happen! Bt yep! Let's see hw it goes! Yest was in tis discussion w twinny over whether I'm a strong person! Actually i tink wen i wan to offer support to ppl, i hope I'm a strong & capable person, bt at other times, i guess i wish to b protected, so i actually hope tt ppl don't see me as a strong person! Coz support & care always goes to e person most in need! & den i was askin twinny to explain why she thinks I'm someone who is strong! Hehe! Yep! & of coz w twinny, i hope to b both! Tt's why tho it seems like she sees & wants to see me as a big sister, i din change our interaction pattern & b a big sister! Instead, i let it stay as it was originally & we agreed on e term "twinny"! Hehehe! Coz i guess we both noe we wan to support e other person & also rely on e other person! So I'm actually v pleased w "twinny"! Heheh! Yep! & perhaps it's good bah! Tt ppl see me as someone they can count on & rely on! Which makes me actually happier! Coz I'm glad tt at least ppl feel tt they can count on me & at least they dun feel tt I've a lot of troubles to e extent tt they dun feel like botherin me further! Hehehe! Yep! :)) (tho is jus twinny say de, i feel tt it's nt only her who thinks this way! Nt tt I'm ego, bt i really tink it's true, frm some testimonies frm my other frens & also some observations myself!! Hehe) Yep! Suddenly i feel happier! Happier bout tmr's busy-ness! Happier bout tmr's stay over at ancestor's hs! Happier bout genting! Happier bout everythin! :D life is so full of hope again! :D heheh! & i jus feel tt this time round, it'll really pick me up frm e 乌云笼罩 tt has been ard for e past wk or so! Hehe! Jus hope tt i dun wake up tmr w a dip again! :p hehehe!!! Shi de! I feel tt I've really seen light this time round! So hopefully it's nt a scam! HEHEHE! Ok! Happier nw! :D Kheng. 08/08/13 Hmm.. Nw is a bit of uneasiness! So blog a bit! Ltr then blog bout yest's happenings! Hehehe! Ok! This is a blog post tt really is if kena find out, den will really do no one good! Ok.. Thinkin if i shld write! Hmm.. Maybe i shldn't write? I bu Zhi dao leh! Coz i operate w e mindset tt if one day wen i die, & my blog gets discovered or sth, at least e things i share there r good stuff tt ppl can noe bout me or at least if those r bad stuff, they can noe wat i was feelin & possibly for them to like "reflect" & maybe learn frm it? ;p hehehe! But i write this, i noe it'll only expose secrets & perhaps bring hurt to ppl! So maybe i shldn't write! Rather than feeling guilty, jus go & "make up" for it? Actually w ppl like bearbear & ancestor, I've also "neglected" them in a sense bt i tink then i wasn't so "elitist" & i tink different clique so it din feel like e prob was staring at me! Bt now.. Hmm.. It's like i tink I'm v "elitist"? Tt is why i feel exceptionally bad? Coz e ranking & all is in! :p Haiyo.. Bt we established tt e secret needs to b kept rite? Actually maybe if exposed 是福是祸 i dunno! Bt i can only see hw it is gg to b a 祸 nw leh! So i really hope it wun get exposed! :/ no need to b a secret bt it started out tt way & we both established tt it needs to b kept.. So... Yep!!! K! End here! Try nt to b so elitist kheng? ;p hehehe! Den prob will b solved? Kheng. 22.08.13 Jus watched "that girl in pinafore" w dabong & twinny! Hehe! I felt tt tt show is a good catch.. Twinny helped me catch a few good points in why i like tt movie! Memories.. Music.. Yep! I liked it tt she brought out e point on memories! Coz v v true!! I like e show coz it's quite "dreamy".. It brought out hw those ppl came tgt.. As frens.. As couples.. & den it showed practically bout e decisions they had to make.. Tho a bit drama & idealistic.. I was v much touched & attracted by it.. & den it ended quite practically frm my POV.. Coz tt girl passed away.. Tt guy moved on & got married, bt nv really let go fully.. Coz he named his daughter e same name & visited tt girl's "tomb" v regularly.. & e 民歌餐厅 closed down.. 2 of e couples broke up.. & i liked hw he concluded.. Tt life is really unpredictable.. All good things come to an end.. Bt it's really e 曾经拥有, 美好过 feeling! Tho it sounded a v negative reflection.. Coz of e way it was done.. I felt tt it was okay! :) like i tink i 有同感 bah! Bout hw life is like this? Tt really loh. As we move on, we jus will haf more things to handle & frens will go further, some dreams wun last, bt actually it's really okay! :) coz by then, u wun b so "persistent" bout those stuff.. Will kan de hen Kai! & really v wonderful memories! & i tink coz he was like in quite a "positive" stage, i tink e msg came across v nicely! :) Yep! & i tink e best part is hw they end it! Really like shows/dramas to end w a flashback! Coz it's like helpin e audience to recap, & nt forget all those nice moments & then pack properly into a nice "series" to b kept! :) & w 细水长流 playin in e background.. Really *thumbs up*.. Coz tho it was a love r/s btw e couple, i tink coz she passed away & he was in another r/a le, so can see it as a friendship of sort also.. Like "those days..." kind.. Reminiscence.. Hehehe! Btw.. Really like e songs.. The 新谣 style.. Chim lyrics.. Soothing tune.. & jus a v nice feeling! Maybe also coz of e movie! Stories always make soundtracks v hao ting! & it works e other way also of coz! :p makes me v interested to go listen more! :) & yep!! Towards e end.. Wen e guy was tryin to recall bout e girl to tell her dg.. Tt brought some "emo" feelings.. & den e part wen they did e full flashback w 细水长流 at e back.. OMG!! Both i teared a bit.. Bt e 2nd one i din haf time to "hide" den e lights came on.. Plus my 鼻涕 started flowing out! :p so i had to clean it & impossible to hide! ;p Yep! So e show was good! *thumbs up* Tho twinny & maybe dabong haf a slightly different opinion.. It's ok! :p (btw.. E actors & actresses acted real well! & totally like another 那些年！<3) Yep! Wen e show ended, coz i was takin tissue.. Dabong asked me "u cry ah?" Den i din really feel like admitting! :p felt like leavin e explanation to my 知音! A bit bad actually.. Bt i wanted to "individualize" it actually! :p Yeah! Actually i thot twinny would haf e same thots as me & would appreciate e movie as much as i did! Bt it was ok tt she din! Coz we jus like different things in this case! & she din judge me or anythin! & i dun feel diu lian tt i like hw "dreamy" it was actually! Coz i really still tink it's pretty & beautiful! & sometimes it feels a little "beautiful" tt u appreciate something tt ppl don't! Jus tt kind of "i noe i like it" kind! :) nt sayin tt twinny they all din like e show or dunno hw to appreciate or wat! Jus tt i like it more! :p & nt sayin e above comments w a "hmph! U all dunno hw to appreciate".. Bt really more of a "i really like it *smiles*" kind! :) Yep! Actually i wan to b sharin w her more! Coz i really like e show! Bt she is helpin viv find articles nw i tink! As part of our deal jus nw! In order for her to agree to go gai gai w me! :p hehehe! Yeah! Jus nw jus "emo-ed" a little! Nt tt I'm upset bout anythin actually! & not tryin to AA.. Jus tt i felt e "gan Chu" feelin! Heehe! Yep! Actually i hope tt twinny will b able to sense it & jus pei me liao liao! Bt i realised i din drop v obvious hints also! & this emo isn't e AA kind(as in really need ppl to pei kind).. So i din drop hints also! :p bt it doesn't make her any lesser a super awesome fren! Jus tt if she can sense it will b even better! Bt also bad coz tt means i wun b able to hide anythin frm her! :p yep! :p & really v nice to hear her say today tt as of now.. She only Ren ding 2 ppl! :) v touched! Sometimes really wonder i 何德何能。。 she is treatin me so well! Bt like wat i told her.. She really made a v impact to my life..she really is like e 后盾! Coz I've her.. So i dare to handle my friendships w e rest w more confidence & i also less ji jiao4 whether i get heard or nt.. Coz i noe at e end of e day, I've her! She is nt back-up, bt someone supportin me behind my back! Of coz i dun allow her to b only in e background! :) & one last thing.. Tired le!! Singing 细水长流 or even wen i was tellin twinny why tt song brought me so much gan dong, i also felt a little 哽咽！i dun haf any direct context to b upset.. I wasn't feeling ke xi or anythin for e main leads.. I wasn't "mourning" for any lost friendships.. Nt even Dashen tho e song definitely reminded me of yah & den her! :) yep! Bt i tink e song provided a context for me to feel e lyrics. In e past i understood & thot tt friendship in e song v nice.. Bt jus nw wen i heard.. Tink really felt e power of e friendship & memories they haf had! & jus 甜甜的苦涩！jus e kind tt i like! :) yep! :) Tt is it! Sleepy le! :p Nitex, tt girl in pinafore! :) Kheng. 27.08.13 Nt a v good day! I tink I'm a little too pampered/spoilt? :/ haiz! I wasn't feelin v good since last nite! I tink wen i see i see e discussion on tt sth, i jus feel e "hmph!" feeling tho there is no basis for tt feelin to come into play! Totally no basis! Bt I'll still react in a v "hmph" manner & try to Shua pi qi in all ways unrelated to tt manner! Really v you4 zhi4 leh! Bt I jus dun feel too good bout it! & e "tues" cloud is back! Tho this time round, it's completely different frm tt time! Tt time is coz i really dunno wat to expect! This time round I've perfect knowledge leh, bt i still feel e same emotions! Haiz! & i was complainin so much on twitter tt i feel ashamed of myself! To b wasting my youth on all these lame emotions! & not on readings or more productive stuff! I tink even if i go help ppl press lift, pick up litter also more productive than this loh! Really is you4 zhi4 gui! Bt jus the "bleh!" feeling! It's like I'm really okay leh! Like work takes me off it v quickly! Coz there is no reason for tt emotion! Bt v quickly I'll wan to b Shua-ing pi qi! & is e really Shua & also nv bother to hide! Except for e part tt really bothers me! Or rather triggered all these! :/ Den it doesn't help tt i wasn't being v congruent w myself! Pau asked me if studyin w her makes me less productive! Coz she is worried.. Den i said "no no! It's fine! Still ok!" Wen actually i do tink tt studyin on my own will b more productive! Bt i wan to make sure she is studying! & it's jus like a commitment I've made to myself tt i mus get her along in this mugging journey! Nt coz I'm great or anythin, bt coz pau has also helped me a lot along this journey! :) Yep! & den i did get a bit frustrated after class wen we were discussing e research project! As in after discussion e 2 of us left tgt, den i jus kinda like told her after a while "it's no use worrying now! Anyway it depends on which agency is available also! If @27 cannot, den we also LL haf to do MP!" I nt sure if i said so nicely! I definitely din use "LL" bt i tink my tone was more frustrated than this! Bt really coz we've discussed this issue for many times le, as a pair & also w e rest! I mean it sometimes really doesn't require us to tink/worry! Coz e ball is nt in our court! I noe tt pau dun wish to b worryin like this also lah.. Bt sometimes it is really unwarranted! & there is no way to help her i feel(my own conclusion), coz she will still worry no matter i comfort her, look for solutions for her/tgt w her or jus ignore her! So jus leave it! :p hehe! & she did say b4 tt she is a natural worrier & jus dun take her worries too seriously! Maybe is kou bu dui Xin kind, bt i really dunno hw to help her also! :p so i jus take it as it is! :p bt there will b times wen my fuse will b shorter or i really feel a little uncomfortable w her worries, den i will snap a little at her! :p partly also coz wen we were discussin w jiaying & maling, she & maling had different opinions & i kinda noe their impression of each other & wat they might b thinkin inside wen they make e comments jus now! & i did feel e little tension beneath e surface & i was a little perturbed by it! & den wen she misinterpreted wat jiaying understood bout my "tmr's extra lecture", i kinda snapped a little & said "wat? Correct ah! She noes!" After jiaying verified also! Coz i tink pau will b a teeny weeny panicky & will make me feel e tension/pressure to correct things like immediately, so wen it's nt valid, I'll tend to like snap back! Bt really again, it's wen my fuse is really short! She is really innocent! Coz I've nv told her bout all these b4! Tho she always say tt she is welcoming of all positive/negative feedback bout her! Bt i jus wun say loh! It takes great strength & readiness to suffer e consequences of sharing! Tho twinny seems to b more supprotive of saying! But i jus dun haf e courage! & again, if i dun share, den i cannot expect any changes! Coz e person don't know! Yep! Somethin tt i learnt frm genting trip's HTHT! :) Yep! & i jus felt bad towards pau after tt! Bt i tink everythin shld b fine? She isn't e kind who would worry! So i jus suan le! :p & I'm startin to like appreciate silence? Coz i haf really like tonnes of opportunity to talk to pau(maybe in future wen we graduate & no longer haf this luxury, I'll b like regrettin.. For saying this!) & today jus so happened tt i only wanted to get things done in e morn! & in e evenin, i wasn't feelin quite right! & in e morn, i jus felt e "it's ok nt to talk" kind.. Sth tt I've gotten comfortable w after hangin out this much w twinny! :p bt i tink in most contexts, it might nt b applicable still! :p so i mus remind myself tt every context is different! :) & also felt a bit bad during lecture! Coz pau saw tt i was smiling to my phone & she asked who i whatsapp ing! Den i jus quickly lock phone & pulled it real close to me! Den i told her "secret!" Hehehe!! Den after tt she showed me her convo w twinny! & den she asked me again after tt if i was talkin to twinny! Den i told her "no! Huiwen!" Coz at tt point i was really talkin to huiwen! Hehehe! Bt dunno leh! Jus feel tt e secret tt I've gotten this close to twinny cannot b disclosed! Reason? I jus feel tt if disclosed it's like e rest might tink "e 2 of them actually got close so secretively?" Totally cannot tell any signs! & i feel tt there will b feelings of doubt, betrayal & stuff leh! Maybe I'm thinkin too much, bt I'm jus a little afraid to wan to b honest bout it! E secret has started & i jus see "continuing" on as e only way out! I tink no matter how 不 惊天动地 it's exposed, it'll still haf unbearable repercussions! So I'm jus hopin it wun b exposed! :/ Yep! & nt e first time I'm lying to pau or even to e rest! E 3 of us, den twinny & i... Haiyo! Bt yep! Bt none of e things i blogged bout above truly did affect me or anythin today! Yep! Bt this is kheng.. She will blog bout everything except e thing tt truly affected her! :/ coz i feel e need to protect my fren's identity - my loyalty issues tho i noe no one truly has access to my blog.. Bt it's always the "but one day wen i die..." Tho i dun tink my blog can jian4 Ren! Even if i die, bt there is always the "i hope someone can someday read all these! Perhaps someone i trust & really wan to share all these w!" Actually is jus so tt ppl whom i love will noe they mattered THIS much to me! Bt i cannot possibly filter all those posts out also! :/ I've too many blog posts! :p hehehe! Yep! So perhaps no one will noe bah! Maybe one day I'll let one person noe! :p Yep! Totally pek chek wen i wanted to start on dr mohanty's readings! As in I'm nt feelin pek chek, bt i saw e words on e readings, it was really like the "argh! Watever! I'm NOT doin them!" w e "bitchy & roll eyes, throw pens into pencil case & off lights kind of "Diaoz!" Yep! K lah! Watever! :p hehe! Yep! & coz I'm nt doin readings, & was waitin jus nw to help my sis w e courier, nw tt it's settled & I'm done bloggin.. I'm gg to slp! :) & one last thing! I was thinkin wat to tell twinny if she were to ask me which part of e emo scale I'm at currently! & i realised i really haf no ans! Coz there isn't really a particular thing I'm emo-ing bout & i dunno wat ideal outcome can "come out" & i can/should b/wan to b expecting! & if work can distract me(to e point of being stable perfectly), den I'm quite ok! Bt it's really e random words can trigger tears kind! So i also dunno! Bt yep! Watever! Nitex! - e girl w secrets.