又来了

Haiz. 不知怎么了！事情又发生了！haiz! 不过我一点头绪也没有！也没有勇气去 find out. 所以就只能这样了！

错？错在哪？是太坚持要进去 meeting 吗？ n den make her feel uncomfortable? 可是明明前部分就还好啊！

Haiz. Leave it la.. Dun wan to make her feel pressurised tt i m so sensitive also.. If really haf sth. 就算了吧！就当做我没感应到吧！wen e mood is right le maybe she will say n tell me.. Den we can see hw again.. Jus b open to accept! Jiayou kheng!

Haiz..刚才可以完全感应到说话时的那种害怕！:S

E way to get over it is nt to use a magnifyin glass to mangify e responses tt i get. N even if she really unhappy. Tink bout wat i haf done jus nw? Nothin much also rite? Pangseh? Bt i apologised. Kapo? Den if i get e chance i apologise. If it's e diff in workin styles. Den really is too bad.. I can't possibly change overnight! Yep! 原来真的是小事！ hahahah!

Yep! N if i really was too much.. Den i will face it again wen i hear e feedback! Haha!

Yep!:)
Kheng:)

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Haiz. There it goes again.. 美好的时间都不长久！

Haix. Bt mus respect self-determination!:)

Be reasonable!! :)

开心！

Woah! 今天是开心的！

Today taiwan people came for exchange! Had so much fun helping to pack e food n prepare for e food fair! N took so many photos! Helped soolah w her exhibition board n had an awesome short chat w my sup n flora! Hahaha! Yay!:D

Went to buy bf w dashen! Happily picked up calls for them! So happy i could explain our east branch to one who called:) hehe!

N helped to lay tables n all tt! Was so happily doin e actions for YAH! School song tho i was all e way at e back alone! Haha! N e food fair!! Haha! Happily directing e ppl! N rolled e table in tt made my sup so amused! Haha!

N ate e food! Damn nice! N i helped to get food for my sup! I m such a sweet gal! Yu hsuan said so! Hahaha! 加分加分！tt's their 口头禅！whereas mine is 加菜加菜！haha! So my sup likes curry! Haha!

N den took many photos for e rest! N took many photos myself! Love e jump shots today! All damn pretty!:D heheh! Yay!:D

N my sup saw how me play till so wild i felt a bit paiseh! Haha! Only 插曲 was e buy prepaid card for flora! Tt staff's attitude sucked! Bt e 2nd time i went back she was better! Haha! Thank goodness!

N den helped soolah! Haha! N my sup kinda said tt my footprints idea was good? Haha! I tink she said sth like tt! So happy! Haha! N of coz soolah said my invitation card v nice! Haha! She said it last wk liao!:p haha! I m damn happy! See! I haf tt little bit of talent there lo!:p hahahah!

N went to print photos w soolah n buy e pens! Haha! Happy!:)

N den took e chance to take a 8 ppl photo! N took w my sup!:DDD yay! 开心死了！hahahah! Jus feel a bit paiseh get e rest out of e photo to take e 'staff' photo! Thank goodness meijing helped! Mus apologise to her on wed for e rudeness! I was v insistent on takin e 8ppl photo! So i jus kept sayin!:p hehe! Bt i was okay w takin it w everyone! So cool! Love all e YAH peeps!

N dashen bought us e bongz family pin! So cool! I m gg to pin it on wed n on my bag EVERYDAY!

Haha! N i took my Y-A-H photo! Yay!:D love to form letters!! Awesome!:D

N e best part most prob was e plannin wen to haf BBQ n sing k! Haha! Laughed so much n had so much fun! Hahaha! So 9th aug for BBQ n 9th july for karoake! Haha! Yay!:D

N finally my sup was kinda like responding to me? Hahahah!

N we were talkin bout her 早生贵子！haha! So tt card was frm her previous intern! So if i give her most prob she will pin it up rite?:) haha!

N aug we r gg to meet like almost every wk! Kai1xin1 de! Haha! For teambuilding, YAH! day n BBQ! haha! N 1st aug gg back for dashen's bdae!:D

Haha! Yay! N they forgot bout YAH! day can! Lousy! Haha! Still need this cute intern to remind them! Hahahah!

Yay!:D happy max!

N i volunteered my tuitionin services for my sup's future child(ren)! Haha! She said syllabus by then... I said.. 聪明的人怎样都是会教的！:P hahaha! N i told her, '虽然我很不flexible, 可是补习我还是ok的！尤其是maths!' n she said i got improvement le! Haha! E flexible part! Hahaha! Yay :D

N u noe wat i will say nxt..

Happy max!:D

Hahahah! N we were talkin bout all these happy random stuff lo! Haha!

So happy tt i managed to take tt photo! Okay! It will b my wallpaper frm nw on! Haha! Totally love my sup! Haha

I really wonder why! Coz she is jus too amazing! Haha.

N other than my sup n dashen, flora, yu hsuan, peirong n of coz eileen n vivian, i will also miss e YAH students man!

Meijing.. Soolah.. Yan jing.. Jian cai.. Yan ping.. Carol! Mona..

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Yay! I can go home n sleep!:D heheheh!

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我是不是已经关闭我的心扉了？除了YAH! Everythin is being blocked out. ?

原来有些东西始终没有变！我还是会失望地attitude她们！haiz. Control! There mus b self-growth kheng!!

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Hw do i balance myself? I noe it's retarded. If it's me i wun go also. Haiz. Bt i can't control my disappointment.. Everythin piling up tgt! Is there feelings of projection/displacement? Haiz..

Issues on my mind!

Hmm! A few issues on my mind! Firstly is YAH!

Okay. There is separation anxiety coz i will haf to leave YAH some day! Tho e few plans to go back n help even attachment is helpin to moderatw e feelin. Bt eventually still haf to leave. Bt i guess by then wun b so emotionally attached le ba..

N jus nw had so much more interaction w tym! I m thankful for tt! Jus tt din haf a good 'closure' coz she took over debrief.. Hehe! N i wanted to discuss some stuff w her. Bt both of us rushin off. Dun tink will haf time nxt wk! Bt will see hw ba! Hehe.

Yep! Mus write down so tt i can discuss w her! Bt e interaction is nv enuff. Felt like e past.. miss chia.. Hehe!

Bt i tink i will let go of it sooner or ltr de. Haha! Jus tt nw v anxious bout separation! Esp wen it's only 3weeks left!:(:(:(

Yep! N i tink i m emotionally attached n totally reliant on YAH nw.. Scared tt i cannot find another emotional anchor after i leave YAH!

Hmm..

I tink this experience is too good! Hw do i moderate it n get used to future experiences! I tink i place more focus on fun rather than value.. Hmm..

Yep! Bt actually shld b ok! Coz frm bras basah to nw. Not so worried liao.. Hehe!

Yep! N perhap i shld lower down my expectations! Easier to find it a proper closure by the end! Hee. Yep!!:)

2nd thing on mind: YEC!

Okay! Nxt wk's YAH's outin is till 430! In a sense it saved me. Coz i din really wan to go for e bmg as in haf my name up there n commit for e nxt 2 yrs! N i a bit dun feel like performin also! Hee. So nw! I m kinda saved! Of coz i can leave early frm YAH bt i really dun wan. Hehe.

Bt i tink i still need to jiao1 dai4! To e one who taught/planned e dance - germaine i tink! N of coz to e cc side coz i wan to withdraw my form or sth! Hehe! I alr told valerie.. Still waitin for her 2nd reply. I noe i kinda broke my promise.. Tt time say till so enthu n stuff. Hmm.

Well. Dun wan to become someone nt trustworthy.. Bt i care more bout my satisfaction than my image*..

Hmm. N i tink mus tell dianfeng also!

Dun feel like gg all e way down n back to town for 4a dinner ltr.. Bt for e sake of 2 ppl: jiayi n zixiang.. I will go! N i wan to whine to tb-mate! Somehow feel tt he might b able to understand. Dunno why! Maybe coz he noes wat dianfeng n i r doin. Bt i feel tt he wun judge.. Haf a feelin some closer frens might say i shld jus go coz i promised or sth.. Hee.

Yep!

N thankfully. Feel tt i still haf norine n ancestor! Tong side..dun haf a chance to be alone.. N kaka i haf this little fear of her judgin me! Hehe! N love to listen to her more!

Hehe. Yep! N regardin my emotional anchor. Perhaps drama ba! Hmm.

Maybe my future attachment/jobs will all b very fun? Hehehe! Yep! Reach le! Shall go for rv concert n 4a gatherin first!

:)

Kheng!:)
Hopin tt i can move on!:)

Past caring!

Haha! Yep i m gg to heck! For e yec! Hehe! I noe woman is nt v happy. Bt i dun care! I m nt ready for e level of commitment! E best excuse i can find! I tink it is a valid reason. Jus tt i also tink it sounds like an excuse!

I shld haf jus pulled out tt day durin e final bgm. I haf so much resistance jus goin for e dance practice. N i dun really look forward to e activities i can do there! I noe it's good exposure.. Bt my enthusiasm level is like...

I looked back. Why did i wan to join? Coz of frens. Coz i wanted to do sth for e community after elections. Bt nw my entire mind is only on YAH! Currently.. Attachment w all e tuitions is already makin my schedule packed max.. I tink it can still b worked out de. Jus tt i dun really feel comfortable there. I noe rapport needs time to b built. Bt i m jus plain lazy. I dun wish to spend watever time i haf left on yec!

Haiz. As i say. I feel more contradictory.. Wat can i achieve there? Will it b like another gift.. Perhaps i m okay w tryin it out in e long run. It's jus this period of time..

I m so busy. I dun wan to go for dance practices! I dun wan to go for rehearsals! I dun wan to rush down frm work to e bgm. I dun wan to write 3 sentences intro bout myself for w bgm. I dun wan to commit myself w tt 3 sentences!

N i dun feel v supported by my fren. I suppose she is thinkin of hw un-steady i m again.. Bt she doesn't understand e lack of bondin i feel there. I dun feel for yec or e ppl. So it really takes more effort than she can imagine to b gg for those activities! It's nt tt bad becoz at least i noe kaimin they all.. Hmm.

Yep! Bt i dun care! Tonight i m gg to fetch karen! I noe i dun feel like gg for e practice more than i wan to go n fetch karen! Bt i still WANT to go n fetch karen k! I dun care!

After yest's supervision. I jus learnt tt sometimes. Things r like tt lo. It's always 'SO?'
cannot finish e surveys. SO?

Tonight I dun wan to go. SO?
I noe this might seem mean n heartless. Bt i tink this is jus life. I tink tryin to b e good guy all e time is tough! I wan to do things tt i wan to do! I m always afraid tt i m being selfish n 任性！bt.. SO?

I mus stress tt i m still gg to control. I still noe my responsibilities. N i dun tink TYM conveyed e wrong msg or signal to me!

I tink e thing i really 'learnt' (w inverted commas coz i tink she didn't tell me to learn. I picked it up myself. Dun wan to make it sound like she was teachin me sth which might nt b acceptable to most ppl?) frm my sup is tt i dun care wat others tink bout me. Tt's really their business..

Nt 我行我素！bt self-care! If i dun like, den jus dun go lo! Sometimes things r jus this simple! Bt of coz there's a limit:)

I m sayin so much coz i wan to justify myself. Bt coz i really feel 理直气壮！

If i tell ancestor or my frens. They most prob will say jus go.. Bt i tink we r all e same type of ppl. Mus go mus give face.. Or maybe they r more 'right' - they tink i shld set my priorities.

Hehe. Bt i really dun feel like gg.

Okay. E more i say. E more lost/contradictory i get!

Hmm. Actually is learn new dance only. I dun haf to worry bout lettin e rest noe tt i din practise my previous dance n feel sorry/inferior bout it!

Okay! I will decide again wat's my decision ltr!

This is jus how fickle-minded i m! Haha! N my entire thought process! Haha.

Let me think bout it first!:p

Kheng:P
:P

Short 'break'

Okay. Waitin to go for tuition. Blog for a while ba! Hehe. Today is 开心 de! Coz spent almost e whole day chiongin out e invitation card for my sup! Hehe. I jus like doin things for my sup! As in i feel e sense of 'personalisation'. Like eileen will follow yuhsuan for CHA n NCPG. so i like it tt i m too. Hehe.

Yep! I noe i m retarded la! Bt is happy de!:p hehe.

Haiyo. I tink is my prob. Jus feel tt i seem to b irritatin/offendin ppl. Bt nt my intentions eh. Bt wat can i do? Sit n watch lo. Haha. I noe impossible to make e whole world like me. Bt if whole world hates me. Sth is wrong. So i try to improve.. I m tryin. Tryin! I tink there is improvement? At least a little bit? Hehe!

Yep. i change. Bt i can't help it if i suddenly get 'cold shoulder' kind of reply rite? Haiz. V sick of it. Dunno why get tt kind of reply. Haiz. Bt i wun say anythin. So no point broodin over it!

Yep! E key is 'dun brood over it'!

Hehe! Ok! 开心多了！:):) hehe.

Kk! Jiayou! Hopefully can clear as much reflections tonight! Den tmr can 专心 help my sup or sth!:) n hopefully tmr come home after work! No programmes!:)

Hehe! Yep!

Kheng;)
Cheers! Kuddos for e effort today! Awesome is e word for e interaction today!:D

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Really i tink too much meh? Bt e signals r so strong! 先入为主 吧！不管了！只要努力！不要在乎效果！chiong ah kheng!

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我又做错事了吗？好累哦！haf to b treadin my toes. Bt i jus 放不下。。。

:(:(:(:(:(:(

Omg! 一百个不愿意! 2 tuitions n dance practice for yec tonight! I really startin to regret gg for yec! As in why did i promise i will join? Of coz can pull out nw. Bt like pangseh dianfeng.. Hmm.

Looking back at my initial goals/aims. N e reason for my hesitation nw.. Long story. Nxt time den say ba.. Nw shall go for tuition first!!:S

Kheng:(
I dun wan to feel like a loser over e fb thingy. So i shall nt think bout it anymore! Haha. I really tink too much! Do sth bout it kheng! ?? Rah!!

Fiery

Goodness! Dun understand why my entire family's 火气 so big! 看不开 n 放不下 -ness! Hopefully i aren't like this n wun end up like this in future! Goodness!

I personally dun tink they haf all e 道理s on their side. Bt jus listen..

Hmm. Tired max! Quickly finish all e stuff n go slp! Really tired! As in nt mentally. Bt jus lack of slp!:S

Kheng..
Haix..

:) still

Okay well! At least i m done w e social report n e invitation card design! Jus touch up later! N prepare for tmr's camp!:) shld b gg on well n ok! N i still haf friday nite to rest!

Jus feel a little bit like withdrawin frm yec! I haf nt sent my photo n self-intro! Hehe.

Yep! N prepare for tuition! Tonnes of follow-up work!

So sad:( nxt wk gg to b away frm YAH for most of e time again!:( sad max!:( bt nvm. At least wk 8 officially allowed to be there! Hehe. For taiwan exchange students!

Nxt wk's supervision hw ah? Dun tink it is possible to re-schedule rite? So packed alr! Hmm. Bt i will still ask!:)

So happy tt e invitation card design went down well w my sup n huan ming! Haha! My sup said it was cute!:p heheheheh! Yay!:D i spammed her w too many qn alr. She ended up callin me! Haha.

Yeah! Tt's it!:) hehe. Jus happy! I m so easily contended w my sup's praise!:p hehehehe!

Yay!:D

Kheng:)

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Hmm. Izzit gg be no slp if things undone? Hehe. Let's see!:)

Rollar coaster!

Today really like rollar coaster! I really dunno hw to react to vivian. She mood ok i nt ok. I ok she nt ok. I stress tt all these r my perceptions. Might b wrong coz i noe i always think alot. Bt tt's wat i m feeling n all..

Yep! She kept sayin if got anythin tell her. N i lied. Coz i said yes. At tt pt of time wen she said. I really dun feel e urge to say coz seems like things under control! Bt nw. Things out of control. Bt i still nt gg to say. So i feel like i m lying!:P haha. Nt v guilty.

I jus dunno hw to handle. I hope tt i can grow up n stop circulating in this cycle of friendship issues. Bt i can't. N i dun haf e courage/preparation to say e truth..

Flora says 讲出来就还好，不讲然后变出心病来，反而更糟！hmm. Nw e thing is i dun wan to say. Bt i also nt capable of healin myself to keep e xin bing away frm me. Bleh!:( *pouts*

Bt anw. This morn early in e morn jiu bei esther's sms 吓到！i noe we were slackin n being real slow! So i felt guilty coz we really weren't doin a good job!

Den had fun watchin my sup they all n e mp staff take staff photos! Hahaha. N went to meet client. Felt happier after meetin e clients actually! Haha! Maybe coz i felt happy tt i seem to haf achieved my goals of e session n i did manage to use certain skills.

Den went back. Had a good enuff lunch. Had a nice chat w julia! Enjoyed e chat! N den black face. N den ok. N was e totally exciting needs assessment!

E first one seemed to haf some mental prob. E 2nd uncle was yelling at us. Freaked me out. E 3rd auntie dragged me to talk non-stop! Bt i felt ok talkin to her! After everythin. I actually felt tt i enjoyed today's experience.

Bt i suddenly realised tt i was bein insensible. I made my frens worry bout me. While my intention was to not miss anyone if possible. I tink i was being selfish/did nt do a gd enuff job coz i made them worry! Yep! N as i tweet bout my empowerment-ness. I feel bad n worry tt vivian might tink tt i m bein v too much - tweet non stop bout my growth bt nv spare a thot for them. It's like my growth came at a price - their worry!

Yep! I only noe tt at e end of e day, at least we all grew! Jus tt maybe i sacrificed a lot lesser! I hope they understand.

Yep. N yep. I grew! Tho i might haf done badly for many areas. Bt at least i learn nw!:) hehe. So hopefully this is a gd enuff justification for their worry jus nw! Hehe.

Yep! Actually i can balance myself. Jus wonderin if i wan to talk to esther. I jus wanna ask her would she haf done it differently? Hehe. Nt askin my sup coz i scared she diao me! Hehe. Bt i still love my sup! Hahaha. Tho she always roll eyes at me!:p

Haha. Lookin at it.. Seems like i did nt really improve much. I still made my frens worry! Tho i did inform vivian this time round tt i was gg in. I still made them worry! ~ jus thinkin bout placement grade! Heh.

Flora's words reminded me tt social work is full of challenges. N i hope this will last me long enuff in e profession! Hehe.

Oops! Annie gg give briefin on mon morn! I hope i din stir up trouble! I really dunno. I m v scared tt i get all negative comments bout my decisions today - to engage e uncle n e auntie respectively! Hmm. Also e reason why i wanted to ask esther bout it.. Coz i hoped to get some positive affirmation for my decisions. Or at least a nice breakdown. Yep. Affirmation nt tt my decisions were good. Bt e thot was good. Yep.

Bt let's see! Yep! Shalln't talk bout other stuff if nt i really like a worry !

Bt yes. Let's see! Teach me hw to resolve e tension w vivian!:(

Really tired le. After so long! Haha. Yep! Few more stops! Go home n bath! N slp! So many things happenin these few days! Haven't been writing reflections!:S

Yep! If nobody approves. Reflect k kheng! Make sure u really internalise e message! N it's always time to give urself a treat, like choco bar? Haha.

Realised no need for positive reframe if i really internalise e message! Haha.

Kheng:)
LLL tmr! I wan to talk to my sup! Jus for some reassurance tho i tink i might end up feelin more challenged! Bt jus feel like talkin to her!