results!

haha. results! hmm. a lot better than wat i expected. still a 3.9.. bt wen i tink of the first class. my sis's results.. n wat she said bout her frens pulling like mad.. hahahaha! argh.. dunno.

k la. wen i slacked shld haf expected it alr. dun b too demanding lo. schooling isn't bout results only! haha. let me see how far m i away frm first class shld i choose to take it! hehe. n dun tink i shld SU my maths la hor? B+ not bad. tt shld haf been an A lo. haiz. why did i slack?:( haha.

yep yep. ok. even if i get a 4.5 for my remaining 5 semesters.. haha. my graduating CAP is still gng to be 4.4. meaning got 1 sem i mus get higher than 4.5. haha. man! seems a little impossible hor? haha. as in possible. bt i mus b super chiong! jiayou kheng! haha.

arghh!! EU n SW really damn jiatlat! haha. B-! tt is only 3.0 eh. pull my CAP down. EU really is greatest regret! i didn't keep my promise! n SW expected plus deserved it! haha. actually EU also. jus tt i had a choice wen i bidded for my modules! haha. yep. k la. dun tink bout wat's done. coz tt can't b undone according to xinru! haha.

yep. look forward! kk! nxt sem's target: 4.8! hahahaha. sounds so impossible!!! haha. bt try la try la. see how. can forget bout beating my sis liao!! haha. bt if w.o my sis. maybe this CAP will b alright for me. hmm. i can forget bout beating e rest liao. lingling... hahaha. as in i m nt out to beat her la. bt will feel like comparing mah. haha. yep yep.

bt i'm still a very nice person.. haha. tho i'm pretty competitive. haha. n ok la. it's disappointing wen i tink of it. bt i deserve it. haha. n pretty happy no "C".. n ok la! haha. i m still pretty happy. can bath n watch show lo! haha. yep yep..

as promised:

EU1101E	Making of Modern Europe	3.00	B-
GEK1021	Crime Fiction in English & Chinese	5.00	A
MA1421	Basic Applied Mathematics for Sciences	4.00	B+
PL1101E	Introduction to Psychology	4.50	A-
SW1101E	Social Work: A Heart‐Head‐Hand Connection	3.00	B-

yep.

kheng(:
21.12.10
status: at least e adrenaline rush feeling is over! yep..

haha.

haha. after everything! decided to jus do a simple postcard for baby! hehe. n wat? i decided to see my results now. den watever e results are like. go n take a bath. haha. den come back can watch my show. if i m really depressed. will rely on e bath to brighten me up. haha.

bleh! ok. my sis isn't angry! goodie! hehe.

yep. rahh! i will survive rite? yep yep! jiayou kheng! later come n post my results! hehe. rah. scared!

kheng.
21.12.10
:S

haiz..

haiz. it's not tt i dun wanna help. bt i am doing my own stuff. n i really aren't in e mood to edit anythin. u wan me to say wat's wrong i also cannot identify. i jus find it weird lo.. haiz. dunno la.

since she said she edit herself. i will jus shut up. coz watever i say now will b seen as jus trying to fu1 yan her.. i dunno. yest my sis said tt it's human nature to try to defend n justify himself wen things happen and not to remedy first. maybe i'm doing it again.. bt well. still haf to do it!:P hehe.

i mean i really edited v sincerely for her jus nw. i noe she also dunno wat's wrong. coz i also can't say it nw. i jus find it weird. haiz. watever la. since nothin i say now will help. why bother?

i've passed e time where i can help her alr. yep.

it's nt as if i dun wanna help her. i said tmr can anot.

so.. not my fault rite?

haha. trying to push e blame away!:P hehe.

watever.. not happy also heck alr.. a bit low morale now.. sianz...

kheng.
21.12.10

hmm.

hmm. supposed to check results! haha. bt didn't wan to. coz i noe i will b disappointed. n was afraid tt tt would mean no mood to do anythin else! haha. in e end? i still wasted e entire day! shall start on baby's card now. den i will go check. n see wat happens nxt la hor? see zao4 hua4! haha.

n coz need to do baby's card. so i went to check fb coz i wanna grab photos! haha. saw e egypt's photos! e days there were really quite fun! esp e first few. haha. more things to do. n more enthu n took more photos! hehe. love travelling! as in not such a fervent fan like my sis! haha. bt definitely love travelling like any other person(: hehe.

yep. fb is really a v fun bt yet dangerous place. e escalation of things in my cousin's hs is really nothing near desirable! yep. jus hope tt things will blow over soon. dun tink they will b able to remove the roots of all these problems. bt jus hope tt things dun escalate to a 无法挽回 state! yep. other than tt. dun tink i've e ability to do anything. yep. jus make sure i shut my mouth n not say anything wrong! hehe. yep.

n i'm really a little worried. i tink e prob is kinda coming back again. after all e fb saga tt jus happened. i really hesitate.. whether to write this or not. bt i will jus write. jus control emotions. coz it's always e immediate moments after e events where we, n esp I will be especially emotional. yep.

haha. decided not to write le. coz 家丑不可外扬! yep. even tho it's not meant for any intended audience. bt i still dun trust e net tt much! nt even personal diaries coz there will jus come this day wen it gets read by others? hmm. yep.

i jus hope tt i m thinkin too much. tt things will b manageable.. yep. support support.

yep. tt's it! dun talk too much! 多说多错！yep!

k! good luck for results! i noe i dun deserve any luck! bt still wun wanna to see cui results! n dun tink i can manage tt at all! tsk! haha.

kheng(:
21.12.10
status: scared.... :S

On e way to suzi's weddin

Haha! As e title reveals... Haha. Actually felt a little lazy to go out jus nw. Bt kinda accepted her invitation verbally alr. N pangsehed liya once alr. Cannot pangseh suzi as well! Heh.

Yep. Yest was my sis's bdae! V pleased w e little prince box i made for her n i got dajie they all to come coz i thot my sis would love to see evelyn they all. Still can't b sure whether my sis would haf preferred jus a simple dinner w my parents only or w dajie n family. N tho it is almost certain tt e decision didn't please my mum. I made e decision w my sis in mind. Sorry if it made everyone unhappy.

Nt to b mean bt da jie they all all came n started watchin videos. I mean they came to celebrate my sis's bdae isn't it? Shouldn't we at least jus sit tgt to haf a meal? Bt at least they came n e singin of bdae song was loud n more joyous! I hope tt alone can justify all e negative cobssequences of my decision!

Bt anw dajie came in to laze around after hearin tt they used up all our comps so we had no choice bt to sit in e room n play iphone! Haha. Maybe she was jus too excited over her show. N e fact tt she came was really a big gesture to b appreciated!:D

Bt anw really v disappointed w my mum. Really cannot communicate w her! Rah! Nt as if i aren't tryin. Bt is she listenin to our advice? She jus shuts herself off whenever e conversation gets a little tensed. Is it really askin too much of her to jus make e attempt to patch things up a little? Haix. N she really so 势不两立 w tt person meh? Wah piang.

Perhaps it's coz i assumed her attitude to b like this n felt her actions to b reinforcing tt(self-fulfillin prophecy). Bt it might b true tt her actions were indeed a reflection of her attitude n wat i saw was true, bt blurred by my belief! Haiz.

bt anw i did make her unhappy yest. Bt i swear for wat i believe would please my sis most. Jus wanted to do a little bit more for my sis. N in a sense make myself feel better!

Coz i noe my sis dotes on me tho she sometimes turns nasty. N she really 出 a lot of 钱 for my bdae all these while. Since i can't do e same there. At least 出 wat i m best at - 力 rite? Hmm.

Bt well. It's all over. Hopefully she had an enjoyable bdae! Haha. N i guess my mum needs sometime to get over it n i neee some time to get over it too. I can't blame my mum coz i do noe wat she is feelin tho i dun agree. Bt i still need some time to b willin to tolerate her sudden raisin of voice. E best way is really to minimise contact for e time being! Of coz i wun ignore her or b rude. Yep.

Reachin woodlands mrt station! Hehe.

Kheng:)
12.12.10

sweet sms-es found (:

13.05.10

w fann:

kheng: fann fann! so we meeting at buona vista nxt wed izzit? hehe. wat time ah? i forgot write down!:P hehehe.

91706091: Haha what time you end work? I think 630??? Hehheh.

kheng: hahaha. i end at 6. bt shld b will haf delay. hehe. as in changin n stuff. hehe. so 630? haha. where we gng?:P hehe

91706091: Haha. Idk leh hmm where do you want to go !

kheng: haha. i no preference wor! haha. u choose?(: hehe. ur b-dae.. u biggest!:P hehehe.

91706091: Haha okay I also don't know. I hope I get my pay by then :(((I haven't been paid for march!!!!! Rawr. We decide on train? Teeheee. Cause I am fine with anywhere as long as its with you!!!!!

kheng: haha. still haven't get ur pay? hahaha. ok we decide on train! haha. aww. so sweet!:D:D hehehe. tt day's on me dun worry!(: my treat!:D u can treat me

kheng: after u get ur pay again! haha.

91706091: Hahahaha aiyo don't have to treat me la aiyo kheng!!!!! I will feel baddddd

kheng: hahahha. it's ok!! it's ur b-dae! it's b-dae treat!!!! hahaha. dun need to feel badddddddddd! hahaha.

** Your Internet SMS chat session with 91706091 has expired. Please initiate a new session with the recipient. **

w kaka:
kheng: haha. ok. i askin my colleague alr.. i hope they can! hah. i damn stressed nw! coz got super many things to slot in!:S haha.

kheng: i only gng egypt. i plan like i'm gng overseas for 10years! hahaha.

91258645: Haha! Busy still sms! Of course u must plan ahead properly cos later go egypt u wrap urself up in mummy might take many years to unwrap!

kheng: hahaha. mus wait for ppl to reply me mah. haha. cannot do anythin in e meanwhile also. anw if OC meetin change to weekends, u tink can?:P hehe.

kheng: haha. yep yep.. i'll take 10years to unwrap myself rite? hahaha.

91258645: I think shd b can bah. My wkend schedule unpredictable though. If may 26th u nd work hor i suggest u just quit ur job. Haha! Bleh. Or maybe u decided to stay in a pyramid for e nxt 10yrs.

kheng: har.. if like tt, maybe u guys shld meet first w.o me.. coz tho i feel more like gng OC outing, i mus keep my promise n celebrate for fann n valerie.

kheng: hmm.ya lo.if i really cannot change, den i'll request for even earlier release!haha.bt dunno if can anot:( heh. eek. i den dun 1!unless u hide w me!:P

91258645: Ooh u must celeb for them on weekdays n e rest of e days u nd work night shift? Hmm i think plan earlier weekend shd b can. Guess Norine n karen wld prefer weekend too

kheng: hehe. yep, mon valerie, wed fann, thurs tuition, tues n fri night. i shldn't haf been so nice 2weeks ago to cover my fren's nite shift!:( hehe. yep.wk

kheng: ends shld b better for e 2 of them also rite?:P hehehe. nw only thing weighin on my mind is gng mdm chia's hs!!!:S i hope can! if nt, i'll heed ur

kheng: advice n quit! haha. anw u w fangyi? hehe. shld b nt rite. haha. i dun tink i can go sing k w her alr!:P hahaha.

91258645: Haha i ask u quit is anyhow say de leh. If u really cannot then i try to change to 25th. Yar i not w fy. Busy girl ah u. Tsk Tsk.

kheng: haha.bt i really got tink of it wor! haha. jus nt sure if they'll let me quit!:P hehe. maybe i take MC on tt day! hahahaha. bt i nt so evil la.

kheng: i so dumb, yest still suggest 26th, w.o even checking my schedule! dumb dumb dumb. anw u gng to buy ur colleagues' presents nw?(:

91258645: Yea loh u blur blur. Tsk Tsk. I still thought so lucky so smooth arrangement. Everyone ok leh. Rah. Yep gg hunt for my colleagues gifts now. Think i nd buy more choc!

kheng: hahaha. ya la.. sure is first time so smooth de rite?:P hehe. i'll go beg my boss if nobody changes w me!:P hehe. more ah? u found MORE targets?:P:P

91258645: Haha! Nah. Same same only e 3 mah. Sianz lah today almost went crazy eyeing on my latest target e whole day. Haiz! Me hopeless liao. Anw buy more is cos i think not enough. U c, w everyday tt passes, i love my colleagues more :) Hehe.

kheng: hahaha. man. ka ah, u sound like ur eyeballs nearly dropped out frm e eyeing!! hahaha. so nice! as days pass, e less i love my colleagues, n e lesser

kheng: things i'm thinking of buyin for them!:P hehe. maybe i shld jus go buy sth n nt handmake things for them.. hmm.. so where u nw? haha.

** Your Internet SMS chat session with 91258645 has expired. Please initiate a new session with the recipient. **

kheng: haha.ooh. chey. i thot u gng to buy more choco. hehe. yep. i used to tink of comin back to fusion regularly in e past too.2 c my colleagues. nw i tink

kheng: i'll still come back, bt only 2 look at e surroundings.. hehe. no, i still wun love them!!:P heheheh. i'll only love e cleaner supervisor!:P haha.

91258645: Eh u must like e person who u lent e money too k! Later u go hang pig head at her doorstep. I wanted to buy more Choc de, but no money liao :( spent 60plus bucks! :)

kheng: hahaha. n spray red paint rite? hahaha. become like loan shark like tt!:p hahaha. ooh.. actually 60 sounds a lot, bt 4 so many ppl, ok la:P hehe.

** Your Internet SMS chat session with 91258645 has expired. Please initiate a new session with the recipient. **

w tong (saved on 30.04.10):

98342715: Hi helpdesk!

kheng: tong ah, u also enjoyin life. watch movie! haha. i'm nt helpdesk! bleh! haha. sux tong! my team leader obviously dun 1 talk 2 me.feel so ARGHH! rahh!

98342715: Huh! Now she's got a problem with you? How abt your other colleagues? :(

kheng: haha.tues she alr a bit like awkward w me alr.my other colleagues r fine.heh.bt i'm nt gng to bother bout her. in a sense she wasn't bein rude, jus

kheng: dun 1 2 talk 2 me. so i can't "fault" her also. nvm.at least i jus dun haf 2 pretend 2 b friendly 2 her. might b better in a sense!:P hehe.

98342715: Hmm.. Like I said, be careful, coz she's your team leader after all.. But it's unbelievable that the situation was blown up in the first place.. I mean, it was just a call isn't it? I hope you'll be able to get along with eventually.. :/

kheng: hehe. yep. precisely. jus a sms in fact. bt like i told u last fri, i was only e triggerin cause. so it's like i'm being dragged into their initial

** Your request cannot be processed. Each SingTel Mobile customer can only receive a maximum of 20 free Internet SMS per day. ** SingTel Mobile customers: You can send a message to this recipient by accessing SingTel IDEAS MMS/SMS message station.

23-04-10

kheng: haha. i guess u can guess y i close e conversation jus nw:P hehe. i'm also in no position 2 comment. many possibilities.. bt i thot bout it.. since if

kheng: things weren't fine, i also wun 1 2 haf 2 much contact w her coz i wasn't v comfortable w wat she said last fri, y shld my stand change nw tt she's ok

kheng: n talkin 2 my colleague. n maybe she noes i feel v uncomfortable w her, so she's bein nice in nt wantin 2 talk 2 much 2 me? heh. bt i'm really ok w

kheng: it as long as my work goes on smoothly for this coming month! hehe. yep..anw i'm readin dis quite nice bk "a thousand splendid suns" by khaled hossein

30-04-10

kheng: hi tong! i'm at work! today till 10pm. i still volunteered 2 come in at 10am!:P hehe.i jus feel tt she's jus chilish, bt i guess if she's really evil,

kheng: i shld still b quite safe coz i've nth to lose,so no way she can harm me:P hehe.n u noe she's nt e 1 who owes me $ rite?:P hehe.yep.i'll get back my $

kheng: hehe. i was thinkin of tt 2 wen i bot e jacket! 2 bad u lost urs!:( hehe. 3 more days!:D i gng my cousin's hs 2 stay tmr anw(: hehe. so mon ur plan gt

kheng: changes?(: if so, jus tell me, i can slot into anywhere(: hehe. n if i dun reply u, den wait 4 my reply after 7pm ya(: wen i come back here!(: hehe.

kheng: tong, i'm back! quite tired! my 3h at symbiosis 2day was so busy, bt i so love it!:P hehe. yep. tmr nite till sun morn, workin frm 1-6 on sun, so wun

kheng: b able 2 c u also(: hehe.bt we'll meet up on mon!:D hehe.yep of coz! it's ur call on tt day!:P hehe. yep. long day. n i'm a little tired nw!:S

haha. doing alot of this kind of things recently! coz trying to clear my mails and also my hp(so tt i can sell it away!) hahahaha. yep yep!(:

kheng(:
12.07.10
status: jus saw an email frm fy long long time back. started w "everytime i see that you're pissed, i feel scared.." sth like tt. thinkin of how immature i used to be. bt tt's history. i still feel v apprehensive bout "our" future. nvm. listen to the song "let it be" ba(:

sms list for 2010's b-dae

haha. jus found this list in my hotmail. think shld be e sms-es i received for b-dae this year!(:

ade
hargao
norine
gor
jeanette
aik song
elaine goh
manda
baby
esther
karen
ancestor
kong long
valerie
dian feng
norman
ting soon
gibson
shibini
xinru
ling2
xue en
mama king
pei lin & victor
ade
le min
vivien
jovine
retard twin
yingjie
qimin
samantha
shi yuan

kheng(:
07.12.10

2010 new year well-wishes!

ok! as part of my packing plans, i took out e phone bro lent me tt time wen my phone crash! haha. n tryin to save out all e msg-es tt were sent to me during tt period of time! hehe. tt's 1 of the reasons why i didn't return him e phone yet after changin 2 phones after repairing my K850! hahahaha.

yep yep. at e turn of this new year.. i received so many new year wishes! as usual! haha. nt tt i'm impt, bt these ppl mass-send, so i'm part of the grp tt received it.. shall write down their names.. for momento's sake ba. haha. who noes 10years later, whether will i still b receiving it frm them or not. yep..

in order of e latest back. haha. coz v troublesome to go trace e 1st one then read back! hehe.

zeni
anqi
fangyi - haiz. she said e usual stuff. n added "its two oh one oh!" hopefully this year i'll still receive it w all e smileys ba(:
bei gu n melissa jiejie
xinhui
stalker
filbert
bihong jiejie
vivien
rizwanah
karen (in chinese wor! 最好的朋友也许不是联络最多的， 而是在特别的日子里记得你的人)
daughter n stalker n yongquan - b4 2009 ends, tell 10 of ur best frens u love them!!
jiayi
qimin (in chinese - b4 2009 ends, would like to express 3 thanks - e opportunity to enter each other's lives, and all e tolerance all these while)

christmas:
chenghui
gege
vivien - plus inform bout family dinner on 30dec! haha.
konglong
anqi
82012049 - who is this?:P
jaslin
vivien
kl
yitong: "i'm back!!!" wat a cute fren i've! lol! at 0019h on 25th dec!
gege n KL - pass this to anyone who made you smile in 2009
jiayi - in advance


sweet msges:
-definitely comes frm tong first: one bout her mum loving tai yang bing, asking me wat's "fu"(charm tt i got for her frm tw!), also e one tt told me it's ok to release stress once in a while(after i cried wen i met her briefly b4 gift camp); be my kids godmother n spoil them i do to minjia! ;tink shld be thanking me for listening to her tt time near prelims wen things were quite screwed up for her, of coz congratulating me for getting A for maths for prelims n physics for goin on well! hehe. ; welcomin me to e world of soccer(where millions of ppl die for it! hahahahaha) n tellin me she died for her paper again n wat e heck is "abysmal"?!(came out for hist SBQ)


- kish: for exams
-tb-mate tellin me he worships mr tan after consultation - having consultation despite being sick, n den discussin wat to buy for mr tan - a big card tt says "i'm a physics genius!" haha. n tellin me he decided to go back to rv, askin me if i told miss chia bout my decision n to use e file he gave to store entry proof! haha. ; reserved seats for twin n me bt others took it bt twin n i decided to nt go for extra hist lesson! ; helpin me tell miss oon i was sick n nt gng sch, told me to take care -long battle to fight; giving me model ans for ac outline n telling me to call him if unsure!
- fann n anqi teachin me how to do nice pics w GC
-lujie n victor wishin me all e best for exams
- fann n melanie also
-ch gng to tw n seeing if we'll meet there!
- ting soon askin OC nt to talk bout prelims in front of ancestor
-ancestor: askin me to go try kokocrunch macflurry
-xr: could tell tt i was unhappy after one bball game n said she's v sensitive de. haha. n tellin me tt she fears not being able to do well after putting in effort(felt tt it's e same for me tt's why i slacked bt i told her not true)

after coming back frm TW:
-mat: are you coming back tonight? I gng there to fetch my sis too!
-fann: kheng are u back frm tw alr?
-qimin: welcome back to singapore, kheng!
-anqi: dreamt tt i told her tw sucks, bt she thot tt would b e oppo of wat i would say

retarded:
-anqi(bt i supposed ling typed e msg): "eh khenghwee i'm stuck in the hole in the gate, the xinru la keep wanting us to climb the gate. I stuck already they also dunno wad to do, bring something useful leh wahlao damn suay(hmm seems like it's xinru who typed it! haha. damn retarded eh my friends!) 03/11/09, 18:37:50
-kaka lim -
"haha! zhang lang! my mum complain i lousy, won't wake up early to go buy prawns w her! :( hahax! so u dun appear in e market anymore k!
"oh no i'm so dumb! i forgot u r wuya! shit, i damn blur recently. haha. dun nd fly lah, just tell my mum i'm a gd girl:) stop pretendg! study hard!:) last wk only
01-11-09
- ancestor: fan of lelewo!
- fann: "how's prelims? ... i have unlimited sms now!" - 22-09-09
- failure grp taking turns to spam me - anqi scolding me for replyin yx only! 22-09-09


haha! wah damn tiring! finally done!:D

kheng(:
06-12-10
status: more to go!:S

Rah

Rah i cannot bring myself to get back my money. Bt e least i can do is to show my lack of enthusiasm in e topic. Coz if i m enthu, it will send e wrong msg tt i m suppprtin her to go.

Actually owe ppl money return is tian jin di yi de rite? Why do i feel tt i m like in e wrong like tt?

Egypt is definitely worth e go. Bt nt wen u r in debt.

Haiz. Bt i dun wan to b so hard on her. Maybe she has some reasons for needin to go urgently? Or she is jus enquirin for others. Bt really will b full of distaste if she goes while owin me money.

I dun tink i m bein evil for nt trustin her. I mean she really provided me w alot of company for tt period of time. i've done my part as a fren by trustin her n lendin her money liao.

N izzit wrong to b gettin my money back nw wen she doesn't haf e intentions of returnin me or assurin me w some kind of plans? Who told me to go lend her e 50 to go m'sia. Like encouragin her to go despite bein poor.

To b honest. I m ham. Ham of awkwardness shld i see her ars. N always wanna leave a 'hind road'. N honestly i haven't been factorin those money in wen countin my assets. Bt it's still my money eh. Rah!

Ham. Tt's y can only come here n whine!:S useless kheng!

Bleh!

Kheng.
03.12.10

3rd 'entry'

Haix. Everythin tt i typed disappeared e 2nd time! Haiz. It's ok la. Coz i told myself. Tt if it disappears e 2nd time. It is really jus a sign tt i shldn't blog those stuff.

Yep. N more impt-ly i tink i've managed to reconcile everythin. N keepin for memory's sake is perhaps nt needed nw. Yep.

It's playin 你不是真正的快乐 nw. Dun feel like victimisin myself any further. Nor do i feel like victimisin my fren. Jus feel like listenin to emo songs. Yep.

Kheng:)
01.12.10
Status: into e first day of e last mth of 2010. A huge huge lesson learnt today.

Hmm.

Exams r over bt dun feel e excitement!

Firstly haf been Slackin after sw! In fact after EU den i started slackkn liao!
Screw up my maths paper today coz of lack of prac!
Alr haf plans on for nxt few days=can't slack at hm!
Sth happened to a fren! Pretty worried!

Yep yep! Bt at least dun haf to mug!!! Really v disgusted w studyin nw. Realised it w yest's muggin for maths! Omg! Hopefully nxt sem dum last min liao! Den perhaps can handle muggin b4 exams better!:)

Yep yep! Hope my fren can hang on! Worried tt she can't get over e guilt(if there's) n for her exams n an even more indrpendent livin frm nw on!! An emptier hs..., afterall nt easy to handle a direct family member's death! Haf been hearin grandparents pass away bt tt has always been fine coz of age! This kind of sudden deaths grip ppl e hardest!

Yep! Was tellin kaka felt glad tt i took social work n psych. Coz they do teach me things tt might b useful in this case! Nt sure how useful i or my knowledge gng to b. Bt sure i'll b there for nlmy fren! Shldn't b a prob for me! Bt for her. Hopefully she is still willin to open up to us! N for once i hope i m really thinkin too much!

Yep! M i growin up? No longer upset whether m i e 1st to noe or frens gng spend time tgt! Haha! Dun feel like spellin things out too clearly still!:P hehe as long as i noe wat i mean!:P

Can feel myself becomin more lovin now! V much thanks to gor's sharin n encouragement! I hear constant n sincere appraisals for wat i do!:) haha.

Yep! Jus nw was pretty pissed off w my sis! Dunno why she flared up at me n exaggerated tt i was late for 20mins! Bt i counted. Maybe was close to 10-15 mins! Yep! N nw noe she wanna come hm asap to do work plus she is tired so perhaps more emotional!

Yep! Bt glad tt i didn't take it to heart or rather i managed to balance myself. Esp at e thot of fren's family member's death! Yep! Be appreciative n love ur loved ones as bro said! Why b so calculative? Dun haf to give in to her coz it will spoil her. (tho i wad at fault for bein late too. Bt she also has been late b4. Nt unkowingly bt wantin to finish her work first. Bt nt late for so long. Hehe) bt y shld i b tellin myself things like if she dun talk to me first. I m nt gng to talk to her?

1 family member has depression too. N after fren's family member's incident. Wat can i conclude? Anythin can happen! Do i wan to b there regrettin wen things happen tt i didn't do enuff?

All i can say is tt it's impossible to give in to others', even those sick ppl, requests infinitely. B realistic la. Bt at least try.

Yep i would honestly tink tt my fren didn't do enuff. Bt perhaps by still stayin in e hs n nt li jia chu zou-ing, she alr is tryin v v v hard alr! N jus heard frm another fren e unreasonable requests her family member made. Bt i jus feel tt frm e talk tt time. She could haf done more. Was still thinkin of encouragin her more as time goes by esp wen i've more sw knowledge. Can't believe her family member didn't even manage to wait till den.

Yep! To b able to do more than e bare minimum, i really tink tt u need love! Responsibility wun push u hard enuff n sustain u long enuff. Bt well. It's all too late nw! Quote a lao tao sentence, 活着的人要好好活着！

Yep!! Btw i m nt accusin my fren or blamin her! Who m i in fact! Bt put aside those moral arguments of me nt bein in e position to judge.. I really believe she did wat i believe a youngster nowadays would haf done alr! To take e extra step to really show love, she really needed to b able to feel e love first. By tt i mean unconditional love. How many of us can really do it? Unconditional as in w.o judgment. Regardless of hw troublesome tt person is. Still love tt person. Wat most of us can do i believe is unconditional responsibility = doin bare min, bt tt isn't unconditional love still. Yep. I will really try to do it!

Nt easy!

Yep! Bt i dun wan to regret. Wen someone turns into ashes n falls into e sea or leaves u w only a backview. No amt of regrets is gng to change anythin. Yep!

Bt havin said so. Despite sayin so. I m still enjoyin my life. Perhaps sinister to b enjoyin while my fren is bein tormented. Bt i really mean unconditional support on my side. Do nt wan to jus go there n insist on 'showin' my concern. Coz tt isn't really v nice. Will wait patiently n b there once my fren needs it. Hopefully my family can stay intact like this. Will b super thankful for it. Really is b glad for every day, every moment u r alive. Coz

生命真的是否无常！

Kheng.
30.11.10

人生无常

Omg really is ren sheng wu chang. Jus heard a shocking news. Human beings r reslly v fragile. Haiz.

Nt to b cynical or heartless. Bt life goes on here. Tmr i will finish my paper first n see wat i can do. Perhaps e little knowledge frm sw n psych can help ba. Hmm.

Jiayou fren!!:)

Kheng:(
29th nov'10

hmm.

haha. again! i've failed to carry out e promise tt i made to myself, my bro, yitong, ancestor, norine n kaka. i said i will study hard. bt i failed again.. n ling shi bao fo jiao again:( hmm

too bad can't blog w iphone! haha. can't believe i really got myself an iphone! haha. it felt so surreal! n cannot control. jus keep playin n playing! tsk! haha. bt jus happy i got it!:P:P hehehehe.

haiz. of coz e right decision if given e choice again is to not go n get it.. bt haha. i wun b given tt chance again. n i've no interest in parting my iphone goodbye or anythin! haha.

felt really terrible. can't find videos for GEK. still thot i could score for tt. my sis raised a good point. if i tink i can score. so will e rest! so wat makes me tink tt it's a good investment? bt well i jus felt tt i did pretty well for e other components. so highly likely tt if i put in effort i can still get an A?

sw seems pretty unlikely. got B- for e first assn. 68 for e 2nd. 63 for e test. dun tink these r good grades. n finals only 40%! haiz.. n EU tho did well for e 2 tests(still subjected to how well/better e rest did).. simulation was damn cui. 58 i tink. n meaning tutorial participation wun do well. coz Dr Kelly will realise i wasn't talking.. haha. bt well. it's like if alr so bad den i shld work harder to pull it up rite? n for psych. likely tt i can secure my A if i put in e effort. bt really uncertain. wat if e rest are damn pro? so it's like no hope! haha. bt well. yest wen i was watchin harry potter. felt v sinful. bt well. i was there. n could only keep tellin myself. it's ok. grades aren't everything! n of coz fri nite my sis told me tt if i m really taking social work, no point gng for an Honours. haha. so it's.... it's jus something to make me feel better. being someone who is inherently competitive(or gained over e years).. i wun possibly NOT mind my grades being lousy or average. bt nt feeling v hopeful for 1st sem! so if i really screw up! den i'll jus comfort myself by working harder next few sems. nvm even if i can't pull e average up. jus do well for remaining sems! haha.

n honours.. hmm. bt e pay difference matters leh! haha. oh ya. my sis said i can save tt 1 year to go for higher education. might b a break in momentum. bt also might b a break frm work in future. n maybe after gainin some experience. i might become more disciplined n gng back to sch might revitalise myself? haha. not sure if i used e word correctly!:P hehehehe.

yep yep. maybe it'll b like wat bearbear said. she said i everytime say will screw up eventually will do fine. i told her i hope so too! hahahah.. yep. bt yep.. if i eventually decides to take honours, i'll jus work harder to pull up my CAP. bt anw if i screw up, hopefully it'll really serve as a wake-up call. n e desire to prove myself will b stronger. n hopefully tt will make me work harder during e sem. this kind of last min den struggling feeling really sucks to e core man!:S terrible!

haha. n tt kind of wanna watch tv, play iphone but can't.. gotta mug feeling... TSK! hahahaha. bt tt's my duty! ya lo! n pls dun take my iphone away from me heaven! haha. it's really v impt to me now! haha. i spent soso much on it! hehehehe. pls pls! yep yep.

n i did my 3rd pang-seh?! i told liya i nt gng for her ROM today. bt she hasn't replied me.. aiyo. shit rameesah jus told me(still on e phone) n told me liya told her to try n go. den i feel so bad! haiz. my sis said it really depends on how impt e fren is to me. she isn't tt impt bt i really am v thankful to her for my 1st few days in fusion! really sorry liya!

haiz. i tink in future if ppl pangseh me i really haf to take it within my stride. coz is karma.. haiz... karma in double-folds:( or more than double folds. coz i pangseh-ed xue en for social work muggin also. bt she wasn't angry.. so still better. bt tt day wen i told her i nt gng. i promised myself nxt time before i make any promises. i mus really tink twice. i pangsehed jeanette for volunteering also. den i keep pangseh-in yitong for lunches also. bt tt one still ok. coz she still noes she means a lot to me! haha. i hope.. bt i noe she was ok w them..

shit. sorry liya! she will definitely b disappointed! i m so ashamed of myself! y do i keep pang-sehing ppl? bt anw i was saying i promised myself tt day wen i msg-ed xue en. n here i m pangsehing ppl AGAIN! so i told myself yest nite tt i really really really mustn't promise ppl so easily in future!! if i nv say for sure. den i wun b pang-seh-ing ppl! bt of coz den i wun be training myself to b someone who can manage my time n keep my promises well. coz i didn't even make e promise in e first place.. so.... yep yep. n tt's why yest i told norine i will nt take up her mentor's daughter's tuition. coz it's kinda far.. tho i did contemplate taking up meow's tuition for pri 1. coz it's only at e centre n i dun haf to prepare.. bt now nt thinkin of gng SEP alr. so finances nt so tight. dun haf to chiong like mad.

yep. 2 things tt i've to learn frm this exam period:

1) be conscientious! study as u go! dun accumulate! den u wun haf to ling shi bao fo jiao again! n u can slp anythin u feel tired while studying coz u're studying as u go!

2) do not make promises so easily! think carefully. wat tt appeals u might nt e best for u. n in times of difficulty(like now).. u wun be able to keep up to ur promises!:(

yep yep.. rmb my 2 lessons. jus like to apologise to liya again. it's really far. shldn't haf made any promises in e beginning. i even replied her last week tellin her i'll b gng! aiyo! tink she mus be mad. rameesah said tt she would be busy. so hopefully she wun rmb me! haiyo! scar-ly i go back fusion she angry w me! how?!?!?! haiz.. again. it's nt bout my reputation to e person affected tt i care. it's my self-image tt i really care! how can i b someone like this. i cannot b perfect. bt i'm too far away frm being good! haha. rahh!

sorry liya!! regardless of whether she will b angry w me or not. i'll go to fusion n visit her after my exams r over!

yep.. i did tink of cabbing over. bt toa payoh is really crazy! haha. n if go w rameesah. i can't do anything during e journey also..

yep. not excuses. bt really reasons. maybe there're still excuses.. bt i can only say sorry!

rah! b prepared for karma ba kheng!

kheng(:
21-11-10
status: hopefully everything goes well for liya!(: e only little way i can atone my sins! haha. so kua1 zhang1.. bt message is there. heh.

tsk

tsk. really jiatlat my report. i only haf 3 references. w no mention to any social work sources. wat will e marker say? hmm. i guess i'll only pretend tt i've nv spoken to Dr Nair, thus do not really noe wat the report wants from me! haha. so i jus whack bout opinions.. hehe.

1) no govt policies' articles
2) no citations of academic writings
3) no relevance to social work

arghh! actually i still haf time. i can still edit it. go look for online support for many of my comments bout stress trends.. internet trends.. hmm.. bt i dun wan to edit le. coz page no jus nice. 8pages. haha. n dun wanna pangseh tong. i'm supposed to b in sch nw to eat w her.. bt i told her to eat w some other frens. n i'll join her after lunch. jus to meet up of some sort. n i dun wan to pon my maths tutorial. bt all these aren't reasons. e main reason is jus coz i dun wan to edit le! rah.

will i regret? most prob not. if i get a bad grade, i'll tell myself coz i didn't put in effort for e articles.. haha. aiyah watever la. tt's it! dun care!

even tho it really portrays a v disgusting side of me. like heck bout work n stuff. n so byl to give a citation of only 3 sources. n not academic sources some more! rahh! hehe. bt still. i dun hate myself! haiz.

n i'm jus foreseeing myself doing real bad for this 25%. dun haf a good feeling bout final year exams too! so... will i get a lousy CAP tt i can nv pull up? or will i be so lucky again to scrap past moderately well? i dunno. bt heck. tt's it.

better dun cry or regret or anything! it's ur choice kheng!

no more such rubbish! promise urself! no more!

kheng
11.01.10
status: feel like saying sorry. bt to who? teachers? they dun care coz is u dun take pride in ur work. to urself? bt i chose to slack! to God? perhaps ba. for all e grace (learnt this frm Shawn) tt has been bestowed upon me? but i aren't saying this so tt i can be pitied upon n still blessed. if i'm deserving of a poor grade for all my shit work, den i'll accept tt w shame. not blame ppl or refuse to mian dui xian shi! yep. nothin to be proud of urself kheng! coz u slacked! RAH!

shit:(

wah shit! e newspaper portfolio thingy is 25%! omg!

i'm totally sian bout it! i realised my articles haf v little links to social work! i feel like just giving up den pon tmr's maths lecture!:(

haiyo. pls dun judge me! my sis will noe if i pon maths lecture tmr. as in my bro will c tt i'm home n my sis will noe why! arghh! i will feel judged! rahh!

haiz. damn jiat lat. priorities wrong again. not bout finishing this work. nt bout producing a good work. bt bout wat my siblings will tink of me! :S

hehe. bleh! anw it is 25%! firstly. my articles dun haf policies. all casework n like jus some random articles! maybe e marker will b lookin for analysis n nt e quality of e articles? but but. they've so little links to social work! haiyo! man!

bt anw. again. tho i'm whining. bt i'm not blaming any1 except myself! of coz la. i didn't follow conscientiously. n last min go xue en's hs n whack e papers. had a week to read thru n quickly find more if need bt left it till like 2days b4. yest morn still dere watching drama! haiyo! deserve it la. rahh. jus hope i dun fail this! if nt percentage damn low. i care bout my grades! as in i'm nt studying only for grades.. bt i really dun wan like very poor grades.. shalln't say it reflects badly bout me. hmm. if nt i'll b viewing grades of an importance i dun wan myself to be at.

rahh rahh umm ma ma ma. ga ga woo lala..

hahaha. anw yep. at this stage now where this is really limitations to what i can do. so jus chiong nw. forget bout e grading. jus treat it as i chose these articles because of feelings. lack of experience. first yr. hopefully wun b too bad. if i dun do well for social work. n worse. for all my other subjects. den let it be a real hard wake-up call! haha. provided it wakes me up! ringg!!!! hahahaha. siao alr! hehe. bt perhaps i am jus blessed w exam-luck tt i'll still do moderately well? haha. nt placing my hopes on tt. bt jus tink tt maybe i've tt exam-luck! hehe. let's c! jus haf this feeling tt i can say goodbye to this 25%! whoops! ya la. u dun deserve it. ppl really read papers everyday. wat did u do? aiyo..

anw wen i major in SW, i guess i really haf to read papers everyday le ba! as i work as a social worker in future also... hehe.

bleh! sorry to say this. bt i still love myself. hehe. jiatlat!

kheng:P
31.10.10
status: yawn!

ya lo

ya lo. zuo bu wan jiu bu yao shui lo. as simple as tt.

my sis is right. bt i guess my priorities r all wrong. nt wanting to chiong n den print in sch is wrong. wanting to still eat lunch w tong is wrong. rather pon lecture than to be relaxed while doing it is wrong.

arghh!! e good thing now is i noe i definitely can finish. it's jus a matter of whether i pon tmr's maths lecture or not. hmm. aiyo. wat's w me?

bleh!:P

kheng:P
31-10-10
status: i thot i said i'll do this report as time goes n not chiong last min at e start of e sem? izzit tt i've to show determination on my own. or izzit tt i'm jus like this already. it's already in my genes. r those things tt happen along e way tt directly/indirectly cause me to not do it really fate? or izzit my excuses? bleh!

heh!

heh. decided tt it'll take some time to dry my hair, so came to blog! haha. bt actually i sent out a fb msg to bihong jiejie. haha. actually e msg was quite long! haha. n nw can go dry my hair again n slp le. hehe. bt feel like bloggin a little first! hehe.

shall "report" my these few days' happenings on public blog tmr. hopefully i do it. always say only!:P hehe. bt yep:P

anw e story was jus nw many of us didn't turn up for e k session. n tho i was formally excused at first, in e end my tuition was cancelled, bt i still didn't turn up.. jus nw was tryin to reason n find tt actually no excuse for not turnin up.. coz watever reason i give, i'm like saying er jie can't be compared to tt excuse.. bt would jus like to say tt i really didn't tink tt much wen i decided not to go. of coz can say tt this e more shows e importance of er jie to me.. bt i mus really say i only followed my heart, n really shldn't read too much out of it.. as in it's jus e way to see it. to b truthful, i also meet er jie during festivals only.. bt i really adore her a lot. we aren't very close, bt tt doesn't mean she isn't impt to me. yep. haha. like 越描越黑！ so shall move on. bt i jus wish to say tt er jie isn't super super impt to me, for practical reasons, coz we aren't close, but she's still impt to me, coz she's er jie n she's part of e family which i love alot. yep. simple. n tt's my msg(: haha.

bt anw yep. i treat e card i do for er jie as a show of my sincerity.. yep. of coz i've selfish motives for making e card coz i alr like so crazily in love w doing cards n proving to myself n others tt i've artistic talent!:P hehe. bt i really still spent a few hours jus nw jus doing e card.. tho i mus admit tt my greater motivation was self-fulfillment bt it is reflective of my sincerity too la. being v truthful here. coz dun wish to hide n lie n be so fake! haha. sometimes i also dunno whether do i noe myself well anot.. maybe i do, jus tt i always love to find excuses for myself! haha. so nan de i'm so willing to read myself here, shall be truthful! hehe. yep...

bt anw. i tink i better talk bout e msg to bihong jiejie first. if not gng spend few paras talking bout this thing n still not gettin to e point!:P hehe.

yep. she bot desserts for us. den in e end we didn't turn up. tho i'm like formally "excused" for nt gng coz i had tuition at first. bt bet she counted me in wen she bot e desserts.. shall paste e msg here. den i wun haf to re-type wat i want to blog..

hey bihong jiejie! hehe. dunno if i was reading too much, bt felt tt u seem a little disappointed/upset jus nw! n gor said tt u alr looked so at ktv! hehe. really sorry bout it! tt we didn't turn up n didn't get to eat e desserts tt u bought for us, on e spot! n just like to say tt we really appreciate it! haha. gor, jie, shulin n i were like talking jus nw wen we were home bout learning to be more appreciative! hehe. yep! so tink i shldn't hesitate to send u this msg! haha. yep!(: really! we, all 4 of us, really do appreciate it tt u went specially to buy e desserts for all of us.. n we understand tt it's only right tt u feel disappointed! hehe. over alr den apologise like a bit useless, haha. bt better than not sayin rite!:P hehe. yep yep.

e desserts are in our fridge now n tmr we'll eat it! hehe. we were really pretty full jus now! bt really, thanks for it!:D hehe.

not speaking on behalf of gor n jie, haha, bt believe they tink e same way too! haha. jus tt tink they most probably won't verbalise wat they tink! haha. yep yep!:D

do buy us desserts again nxt time wen u feel like it k! haha. miss ginnelle say before this kind of thing shldn't be a kind of commitment, precisely it's coz it's not, n wen e person does it, it becomes more precious! haha. which is why i noe i tink u mus haf felt v disappointed jus nw! hehe. bt yep, do buy it again sometime k! haha. at most i finish everything up no matter how full i am k!:P hehe.

n in case u were also disappointed tt we didn't turn up to like "celebrate" er jie's farewell(haha. i tink alot!:P), I'll be going on wednesday k! hehe. miss ginnelle might haf tuition, so maybe won't be able to go! hehe. kk. i better dun stun u more w my tink-too-much n long-winded-ness!:P hahaha.

cya on wednesday!:D:D

tink i quoted wat miss ginnelle said in e most appropriate opportunity man! hahaha. e words in bold! hehe. yep. coz i'm also someone like this. like i'll suddenly buy stuff, or do stuff for ppl. coz i believe it'll cheer them up. n if this is e response i get, i tink i really will b SUPER disappointed. so i suppose bihong jiejie feels e same way too. haha. feel tt she's e same character as me too! haha. i feel tt i'm very alike shulin. haha. n startin to believe tt bihong jieije is e same as me!:P hehe. coz of e private blog thingy. n she dropped me a msg after e "monopoly deal incident" too. sth which i'll do also! haha. yep.. bt nt sure if this is true. hehe. bt ANW...

haha. ya la.. so i drop her a msg. i believe it'll cheer her up alot. hehe. if it's jie.. maybe she'll like throw out all her frustrations n stuff. bt den coz it's me. she most prob wun expect me to drop her a msg. n still so long n i feel tt la.. v thoughtful msg! hehe. yep. n coz she most prob wasn't thinking of me first wen she bot e desserts.. i mean she dropped jie a msg saying she bot desserts. not jealous of coz.. yep.. n perhaps she knew i couldn't go coz i was supposed to haf tuition? bt anw. even if i'm nt her target of disappointment, jus treat it as showing appreciation on behalf of e entire extended family la. like for every1 whom disappointed her! hehe. n of coz on behalf of jie n gor... dun tink they'll be doing such sweet(to me at least) stuff.. heh. yep..

haha. tired after nt getting to e point for so long. haha. anw jus funny tt it shld b er jie who shld b feeling disappointed bout e part of us pangseh-ing.. bt e card is kinda like my "reason"/excuse.. hehe. n in case bihongjiejie was feeling disappointed coz of it, jus like to rekindle her "hope". i mean if it's me.. like if i aren't e star bt i feel for e star, i'll b thinkin of how my family isn't tt united actually.. so jus let her noe tt we all still love er jie actually(: hehe.

yep.. bt i used a lot of smileys in e msg.. (shit! why m i like feeling itchy all over?:S izzit psychological or really e lizard i saw jus nw?:S) n hehe n haha.. i feel v certain tt i'll receive a v positive reply. scarly is tt kind of "thanks! i'm fine" cold replies. i most prob will start worrying again. haha. or worse still, negative reply! haha. bt shall haf a bit of faith n see how!(: haha.

yep.bt anw shall stop. wanna slp le! wanted to slp at 11plus. bt in end skyped till 12 n still awake now!:P hehe.

kheng(:
17-10-10
status: actually, felt a more negative feelin after e dinner jus nw.. bt better now! hehe.

bleh!:P

hehe. oops! i'm behaving like a spoilt ass again! bt jsu allow me la hor? haha. oops. yest my sis kinda pissed me off. n den this morn i became v worried tt i pissed her off. coz tuition yest wasn't good. so i was feeling a little down. den she asked me econs which i really didn't noe e ans. n she kept pushing. as in i said i dunno, bt she kept asking, ".... rite?" as in i noe wat she asked was v fundamental questions. bt e words tt came out, "i really dunno. my econs not good. my macro not good." were really reflective of my true thots. watever agreement i make in response to her qn would b becoz of her type of asking.. den it will be according to wat she ask. den i'll say yes.. as in after she says, it'll ring a bell. bt izzit coz i really noe it? not really. maybe is memory failure. bt more accurately, i tink it would be coz i really didn't understand.. yep..

n i really felt quite pissed off. coz i felt tt e words tt came out were like a subconscious product of wat i was feeling. tho i did consider it being a subconscious attempt to defend wat i did.. bt no matter which one, i can only be certain of the "subconscious" part. coz it's really not a conscious behaviour..

yep. bt this morn i felt quite bad.. n jus nw wen i finally got to see my sis. i jus asked her whether was she angry anot.. den i jus admitted tt i really dunno. anw it's true tt i dunno how i got my A.. yep. coz this morn wen e feeling was gone alr.. i really tink it must haf been pretty upsetting for my sis. yep. so i kinda apologised!:P hehe. yep.

bt anw why did i bring in this ah? yep.. oh ya.. coz i noe jus nw e way i behaved, tmr wen i'm more clear-headed, i would admit tt i'm wrong.. but.. at nite. can't control my emotions. so will wan to fang4 zong4 a bit.. yep..

bt yep. i jus dun feel like talking coz i dun understand wat they talking bout.. n i like ppl to like hoax me wen i throw tantrums.. bt i tink they thot i jokin.. bt i not angry. nor emo-ing.. jus didn't feel like joinin e conversation.. jus wanted tt exclusive n important feeling.. yep..

i also not demanding tt they'll understand or anything.. i jus dun feel like responding.. haha. after a while. n things r back to status quo. i've gone back to viewing myself as more impt. all e airport sadness n willingness to compromise on anythin n appreciate everything seem to be diminishing.. hmm..

yep.. but anw.. tt's it la.. yest was still thinkin of why did mat respond so strongly.. as in in e past, it's always me who was e most easily affected by stuff n e most sensitive. bt nw as i start to reduce expectations.. i'm kinda expecting tt they'll be e same. in fact they were nv as sensitive in e 1st place mah. so maybe tt's just fy, fh n mat. bt thing is fh was also fed up.. i dunno. izzit coz they aren't as impt now, or they're impt, just tt i aren't v excited over this running thing, or i really understand how busy we're or izzit tt i've really been too pampered by ancestor's un-complain-ly-ness wen org-ing OC outings, or tt after e 3 dudes' flying off, i've come to appreciate frens better? hmm. or izzit tt i jus haf this tendency to side w fy? bt anw, i really didn't expect any1 to be fed-up. maybe coz i thot jus say say only. haha. of coz if there's n i can, i'll go, but it'll really be e last on my priority. as in compared to tuition n family.. it's nt who i'm meeting tt is more impt, but rather e activity ba.. bt anw after e small drama, i can only be sure tt i must make sure i keep my promise to e running. yep.. i guess matilda maybe also need some reaffirmation on our side tt we're willing to commit? hmm. i also dunno..

bt yep. i didn't reply to pacify her or anything. coz i really tink tt fy is pretty stressed out by stuff. so i can understand if she can't make it.. n yj w her hostel stuff. bt maybe it goes back fundamentally to e desire n willingness ba, e rest are all excuses? bt i feel tt like mat doesn't understand wat we're gng thru, bt maybe this is not a fair judgment, coz perhaps she has been thru this wen she first went into poly also.. yep. i dunno.

i jus wish to say n hope tt i'm still being pretty level-headed as i look at e issue.. yep. hope i aren't biased towards fy or anything.. hmm.. i tink coz at least she's givin me some hope recently coz she did manage to meet up w me.. so i feel tt at least dere's still some effort..

yep. bt anw.. tt's it. i feel tt i'm behaving like wat mat n fh were.. n i'm behavin e same way i did yest.. haha.. so wat do i say? is this learning? nope obviously! coz i'm doing things tt i dun approve of n noe e consequences of.. hmm.

bt anw. tt's it! haha. dun wish to comment any further on my behaviour jus nw. i jus hope to be pacified.. bt it isn't their fault for not pacifying me also.. so can only say.. dunno. heh.

kheng(:
07-10-10
0057h
status: heh!

:D

hehe. yay! jus talked to norine tan for 2h plus on skype.. talked a bit more in depth today. coz we were free! haha. n kinda coz she dun haf to talk to others also. hoho. i asked ancestor to come.. bt she told me to wait a while first. coz i was telling her bout karen's stuff. her family n e departure situation n stuff! hehehe. den we talked on quite a bit. den after tt wen we added ancestor, she didn't pick up e call n after tt norine had to go. bt luckily ancestor said she has to slp too. not feeling well le n her parents jiang her for stayin up late!:P hehe..

yep yep!:D hehe. happy! tho at e end norine seemed a little disorientated. think she's either tired le or wants to go do stuff. so a bit not as focused le. haha. bt yep. tryin to keep myself frm thinking too much. hehe.

after yest.. tink becoming less n less tolerant to being described as emo by siblings.. bt i tink also tryin to kan kai1 a bit. as in i wun slap myself by saying tt i really magnify my prob.. n i'm not sayin this to save my face. bt i really tink ppl at different stages haf different things tt they feel bout n care bout.. we shldn't magnify our problems n make ourselves like upset or yuan4 tian1 you ren.. bt tt doesn't mean tt there's anything intrinsically wrong w worryin bout e so-called small things to others.. yep.. n different characters will jus shape ppl into viewing the same thing differently.. yep.. i aren't sayin my character is flawless or i'm great tt the things i worry about are very significant stuff.. just tt i dun see any problem w my emo-ing la. haha. n i dun like them to be jokin bout it. hehe. tho i've to admit tt it's really very frequent!:P hehe.

bt anw. tt's not my point. tt's my point yest. haha. bt yep. i tink i'm just gng to try n control n not emo tt easily.. as in i tink sometimes ppl are just more vulnerable.. bt can be controlled n overcame. yep. so will try. forgot wat's e impetus tt caused me to want to control le. wen i recall. den say. haha.

bt yep. yest after i finished emo-ing.. i realised tt perhaps tt period of time starting frm kaka's departure.. wen i said tt i really dun find anything big enuff tt'll make me emo. n i've grown up. i guess perhaps in front of friends ba. n e recent issue made me tink again. n nw i'll say. i haven't really grown.. just tt i'll suppress it. coz i dun wan to let them see it. for reasons like i dun wan to be responsible for e hurt i cause coz of wat's gng thru my mind now.. yep..

bt i realised tt yest it's just a perfect eg tt i haven't really grown.. coz i still chose to emo. emo over something tt i tink haf happened b4.. jus coz i didn't get heard.. yep.. n things leading up to it were just pretty conducive for tt emo-ness to fa1 zuo4.. hehe. yep.. bt anw. i'll try!(: hehe.

yep. n actually jus nw e call didn't really end off well. coz e moment i told norine to go do stuff. she said ok! haha. no la. not tt excited.. bt i knew she wanted to go.. haha. yep. n coz e mood was like dropping. i would b pretty disappointed.. haha. bt it's ok. i told myself not to tink too much. i noe norine loves me. n i would be ok as long as i reinforce e happier parts of e talk. haha. as in tell myself tt it's really ok.. n stop e negative thots frm growing.. things wun always be perfect.. so dun be too demanding! hehe. yep.. n i was really happy to be talkin to her for so long alr. v satisfied.. it's just a xiao cha1 qu at e back! hehe. so cheers!:D hehe.

yep. go drop her an email. hehe. for wat we discussed bout kaka. let her noe tt she isn't tt dependent on us. haha. as in i tink norine wants some reinforcement tt she is actually really ok. coz i tink we like playing up her missing us.. hahaha. yep.. want her to be sure of herself!(: haha. yep.

n also to reassure myself. haha. to ensure tt we both haf a mutual agreement tt e talk was happy n e last part was me like tryin to talk n she had to go but didn't quite wanna stop me! heheheh. yep(:

kheng(:
03-10-10
status: time flies. actually i'm left w less than 2months to final year! omg!

emo..

i guess it's my defence mechanism tt's up ba. jus nw wen i talked to my sis. i really wanted to say tt little bit only. n i succinctly said them all b4 she went to bath. bt she said we can continue while she's bathing. so i continued outside.. den coz we were on e topic. i tink i kinda said those things coz we were on e topic. it isn't tt kind of grab opportunity to whack.. bt since we're gng to be on this topic. just say lo. i also nt exceptionally upset bout it or anything.. yep. den in e end she finished bathing alr.. i wanted to tell her this thing. bt i knew she wasn't gng to stand here n talk to me. so i decided to jus suan4 le.. dun wan to get fu1 yan responses.. yep. n coz i didn't get to say wat i wanted to say.. got pek chek alr. as in emo..

haiz.. bt it's nt jus 1 thing. it's accumulative.. jus nw wen playin bmt. i alr rather pek chek alr.. coz e game didn't continue. dere's sth wrong, either w my racket, e shuttlecock or me.. yep.. n e usual breaks. n da jie missed e shuttles.. n was rather tired.. n i was super pek chek. tho i didn't flare up. bt every1 knew i wasn't in a good mood. actually seeing my sis they all flare up. i really told myself not to. bt they keep on gng on w this, desire to do well. n after my bro came in. i felt e motivation/pressure/desire to play better. a stronger desire to win. so i really became less tolerant.. bt today winning really wasn't on my mind.. i jus wanted to play well..

wen jus started.. thot of norine.. n was reminded of my lousy performance at bmt gatherings.. i really dun like tt kind of feeling. it's totally tt kind of no fight, e points we got were coz of opponents' mistakes, n those were either elementary/slip of e hand type of mistakes.. if nt is coz e game was too boring/easy, n they got complacent.. tt's why they make mistakes. n half e points they got were coz of our mistakes.. yep. tho lizhu n i were jus lousier right in e first place. bt norine n marian haf been playin so much outside tt e gap between us is even bigger.. n kui1 i still say i keep playing.. regularly. this is e standard tt i'm playing.. tt kind of disappointment is really damn big..

bt nobody understands. every1 isn't so sensitive of marian's behaviour le. i'm really not bitchin.. even if i'm.. i guess i can ba. at least i didn't go everywhere to say.. bt her face wen e game gets so no challenge. her jump at being able to play w better players.. n her long serve.. wah... i noe can't blame her.. i also wan to play w better players.. bt it's jus kinda insulting n upsetting. n coz i noe it's our own prob.. i jus chose to nt stand in e court wen they're looking for ppl to play w.. n in e past norine still will feel a bit wen marian behaves this way. bt now she's totally ok le. i'm not saying tt i would feel happy if norine dislikes marian.. it's jus tt nobody will sense tt i'm upset n comfort me.. haiz.. tears whelming up again..

bt yep. this is e thing i wanted to tell my sis.. n as expected.. i knew my brother will be asking, "why is she emo-ing?" or "why u emo again?" as in..why can't they just leave me alone at times.. ppl all haf emotions de mah.. n it's nt as if i've suicidal tendency.. jus leave me alone lo.. as in i appreciate e concern.. bt i really dun like it wen they kick up a big fuss over my emo-ing. i've always been like this. n it's nt as if i cause a nuisance wen i emo.. nt as if i'll flare up. den just leave me alone lo.. or rather. if they asked, "kheng, r u ok?" i'll be fine w it. n i'll wan to say.. bt i hear e word "emo" den coz of e negative connections they link to it.. i really dislike to be described like this.

maybe it's coz wen i'm emo. den i spoil e atmosphere ba.. tt's why they'll tink it's a negative thing. actually it's.. like if i see michelle or evelyn emo-ing.. i will also tink tt they're like spoiling e mood.. i tink it's coz we'll always tink tt ppl who r younger than us are always upset over retarded n not meaningful stuff.. tt's why we'll tink tt emo is a v negative thing. coz it's like we're kicking a big fuss over small things.. perhaps ba.. wat's this kind of emotional upsetness tt wun last, compared to their big problems like no house, n money issue. really living issues. bt ppl at different age jus haf different problems mah.. dun playdown ppl's issues.. yep..

haiz.. sian.. time to go bath. dun emo alr..

kheng(:
02-10-10
status: haiz.. defence mechanism.. who can understand?

haiyo. luckily i clicked "view blog"! if not i wun haf realised i posted this on e wrong blog! omg! i posted on my public blog sia! wat de.. if i didn't realise n they see it. might b a good thing tt norine hears wat i'm gng thru.. bt if given e choice. i wun do it.. yep. n tt's why i'm keeping it in my private blog! hehe.

haiz..

hmm. jus replied ancestor. n i wrote

retarded.

n wen i saw wat i typed. i was reminded of dear norine. haha. dere's jus a reason why i still keep a private blog. coz certain things jus can't say it on e open blog. if i write this. they most prob will be thinkin, "omg, she's emo-ing.. AGAIN!" bt sometimes u just can't help but think of them and will miss them.. yep.

n yest i took quite a long time to blog karen's departure post.. coz i was thinkin non-stop how not to show that my sadness over karen isn't as strong as tt for kaka n norine's.. for norine's.. i could say v confidently,

"i also dunno why is dere a difference in response. it's not as if kaka isn't as good a fren norine is to me."

but i can't say this for karen.. coz i'll be lying.. tho after e 2 4-ppl OC meet-ups n e chance to talk more to karen.. i want v much to maintain this friendship n even a closer one w karen nw tt she has flew off. i'm jus closer to kaka n norine. not sure if she has felt it, accepted it as sth reasonable or wat. bt jus felt tt i cannot show this double-standards, tho i tink i'm perfectly justified coz kaka n norine just came thru a longer way w me.. yep..

bt i still didn't wan to make it obvious.. n i seriously still teared wen karen was about to go in. felt an urge to go forward n hug her again n say "bye karen" b4 she went in. bt i didn't la.. yep. n dunno why wen i talked to ancestor after tt. e mere mention of anythin emo. i felt e geng ye4 feeling. yep. so i left these topics.. yep..

i really really didn't expect myself to tear. in fact i was so afraid tt i wun tear. haha. tt will show sth. coz i WEEPed at norine's.. yep.. bt well.. i did. n of coz. it's nth embarrassing to me. so it's totally fine!:P hehe.

yep.. bt i thot of norine. in my post to karen. i told her tt standing at e airport seeing her move around made me learn somethings.. bt i didn't tell her.. n this is it. at first wen we reached, she was jus entertaining us like normal frens who came to send her off. nothin extraordinary. n i really didn't get any feel. for kaka, u can say tt it's coz she didn't haf a lot of ppl. so she entertained us rather significantly. for norine's.. it was super obvious she so wanted to come near us! hehe. bt she cared bout her colleagues n family also! yep.. bt for karen. i jus felt tt we were nth more than frens. as in it seemed like iron12 was as impt as us.. nothin wrong. bt even if both grps were as impt to u.. if they were impt. u'll feel it. bt i didn't. bt wen she came back. i knew i was totally wrong! haha. coz she came over after doing all e necessary da zhao hu-ing. n she could haf gone over to iron 12's side. bt she came over.. haha. n she was so sweet to put her arms around my shoulder.. n i'm some1 who is very reassured by physical expressions of love and concern. yep.. n i felt e karen wen norine flew. tt day it's jus like doin for fun. wen i reached, i jus like hooked my arm onto hers. n she allowed me to do it. nt sure if i mention b4.. bt we were in sec 3, i rmb she tellin me it's very weird. i tink coz i over-did it. plus we weren't v close.. yep. bt tt day she allowed me to do it.. yep..

n she was v nice. she hugged me after i hugged norine. n repeatedly told me things will b fine.. yep. honestly.. tt didn't help much. but i was just happy w e thot tt karen was there for me.. yep.

n yep. wen karen came back. i was reminded of e karen tt i could talk w tt day in her room. bout her sister. whether she'll come back or not n stuff.. n at e bus stop. n at e last part of e lantern walk.. yep.. slowly. we're just starting to break down tt wall. we'll continue to do it.. n in time to come. karen will grow to be a lot more impt! yep.

n.. i wrote a "n".. but dunno how to continue.. haha. forgot wat i wanted to say:P hehe.

bt anw. this made me think bout whether izzit always me who's thinking too much..n needing too much reassurance.. coz on train back. i realised tt norine tells jade a lot more stuff. like i keep thinkin norine adapted well. bt in fact, she's still re-adjusting..

wanted to go n "scold" her, ask her why she didn't tell me. bt i thot bout it.. n decided against it. i dun want her to feel pressurized at having to tell me every little small thing. if not i'll go after her. n maybe she dun feel tt connection to tell me.. i was thinkin maybe ancestor maintained in more contact w her during e JC days n they're closer? n they've e regular talks? norine n i maintained thru faith! yep.. or perhaps it's simply coz i didn't ask? i used kaka as a "control" for this. tt day wen kaka went into e gates. i realised tt i didn't noe wat she's doin inside. bt ancestor knew. n based on common belief n faith, kaka is closer w me(i guess?).. why den did ancestor noe more? coz she asked kaka.. perhaps.. actually i dunno. maybe i overestimated my importance to kaka or underestimated ancestor's.. bt yep..

n maybe norine feels like tellin me happy stuff more. maybe in some time. she'll tell me e bad stuff she's gng thru too. or maybe she's worried tt i'll be worried? yep. bt i jus told myself tt my insistence in havin ppl tell me things shld not be "so as to ensure tt i've real evidence tt i'm close to tt person coz i can say out everythin in tt person's life".. bt shld be.. to ensure tt tt person wun crash in times of difficulty.. at least not before she spoke to me.. yep. at least tt person can haf confide in me b4 she crashes.. yep.. nt sure if i'll b able to do it. bt only time n troubles can tell. yep..

n tt day i told her "if got anything wrong.. mus tell me k!" she said, "of coz".. so i shall haf faith den.. yep..

bt anw.. my "haiz" isn't for this.. i dunno whether ancestor could infer e reason why i requested for some meetings to be private.. it's really a dilemma. i want to tell her. bt i really can't tell her. this is really e kind of things tt tell le will only make u more troubled.. coz u've to be v aware n cautious of wat i might b feeling.. n e thot of wanting to tell her already shows tt i can bare my heart to her anything.. yep. n really "it's e thot tt counts" for this case.. hehe.

actually u tink i dun wan to say meh. i also wanna blog to make myself feel better. bt i can't.. for fear of being seen by others.. bt a more impt reason is coz i tink it's "wrong" to be having such feelings.. n i dun wan to regret or feel bad wen i come back n look upon it.. yep.. actually yest i realised tt tt feeling can be gone..as long as i dun see it as an identity crisis. n i thot i could do it.. since tt identity isn't so obvious now. bt actually no.. coz it'll be stuck w me for life. if it leaves me, it would definitely be coz of bad reasons..

maybe shldn't haf complained to ancestor at JP tt day. now. i really can't get tt thing of me. n honestly, it only brings me negative feelings. tink it's my karma for insisting on bitching to ancestor despite alr realising tt it was wrong. yep. karma..

actually wat has happened has happened. n nobody can take away those memories from me. or in fact change it by doing anything to it. coz they're alr encoded into memories in my brain.. it's e future memories. tt i want so much to be e same as e past.. so i'm really not happy w e way things are going now. i noe it's a good thing.. it's a good thing for every1.. n it shld haf been for me.. if nt for my unwillingness to accept changes..

i tink i'm dumb. now memories are more quality, n it fits in w my style totally. good wat! bt i still dun wan to accept e change.. i noe it's foolish. n i noe it's dumb. i can nv find any reason or justification to e way i'm feeling, e way i'm behaving.. bt can i jus be myself? actually really no point. coz at e end of e day, i'll be trying so hard to cover up. if it gets uncovered, every1 gets hurt. if it doesn't.. den wat i'm feeling will only be felt for myself.. n it's nothin but unhappiness. so why den m i still so persistent? 死死抓着不放呢？but.. this is just kheng.. 爱钻牛角尖.. stubborn.

actually i've nv been like this b4. i always tink alot.. but at e bottom line, i still feel a good reason for doing it.. coz it's always coz i can't help but feel tt way. coz i cherish my friendships n i wan to maintain e high quality... n e quality by me.. tho it might nt be a social norm.. bt this time round. it's really no point. no reason. not justified. it brings me nothing but negativity.. bt why den m i still holding on to it?

hmm.

i guess it's just coz of e word

identity.

izzit? or izzit i feel threatened? izzit e innate desire to take control of things in me acting up? or izzit jus coz of human nature to resist changes?

i dunno. i'm not right. but tt doesn't mean i can't be feeling this way.. retareded. but.. tt's it. for now. i can't bring about any changes now. all i hope is tt God can be nice to me, n help me remove any possible damage tt my behaviour can bring. coz i can't be responsible for e possible damage tt my feelings can bring.. bt i'm not willing to change still. i'm still a selfish person after all. pardon me please!

kheng
02-10-10
status: how i wish i can share this w norine.. n jade.. or some1. i did think of anqi.. bt i tink sayin this out spoils my reputation.. hmm. i might say this to my brother. coz he isn't involved. n he's willing to listen. honestly, e me now just want some1 to listen to me, to understand wat i'm feeling now, n not pass any judgment. i mean really wun even feel anythin negative about me after i say.. n wun try to convince me.. unless can really come up w a way tt can help me overcome all these.. while still being able to allow me to behave e way i want. n protect e identity tt i want to protect alot. can someone tell me things really are still e same way, although they dun appear that way, n tt every1 will be fine w this arrangement, it hurts no one.. stubbornness. over wat? an identity. an identity tt wun even be felt physically.. n might nt be impt in years to come.
am i really brooding over something tt is of a higher level now? or am i still going through wat i've been going thru all these years?
will this become another post which i look back in future, n e only purpose it serves is to remind me of sth which i've alr forgotten? or will it be a post tt i look back n say, "this is really e post tt allowed me to understand myself so well. n this is just me. e unique me"?
i really haf no idea. i really want to tell norine sth.. bt wat can i say? out of this entire chunk?
hmm.. n i wonder wat ppl will b interpreting wen they read this chunk. will it appear as super random like e "washing clothes" eg of schema.. of coz can't include ancestor into e test.. coz she noes wat i'm referring to..
i guess e only good n mature thing i've done this time round is really not breathing a single word to her.. i noe i'm asking too much. bt can i really be pardoned from being punished over having all these ridiculous n wrong thoughts?

finally done!

hahaha. more than 12hours of sitting in front of a laptop(of coz w breaks).. w e few browsers tt were needed for the writing of my pysch term paper on.. i finally finished it!:D hehe. n closed all e browsers!:D hehehhe.

so so happy!:D hahaha.

it changed form a research paper to a logic paper. haha. totally not sure if this will go down well w e teachers.. bt it's ok. haha. coz no time le! haha. n i've finished it. no time to go back n "regret"!:P hehehhee.

yep. was so desperate n stranded tt i totally weren't thinking of wat kind of grades this term paper can fetch me. bt well. shalln't tink too. haha. coz i am super unlikely to be touchin it again! haha. gotta study for my EU tmr! hahahaha. yep.

n mus thank ancestor n norine. ancestor was here for me throughout e day as i struggled thru e paper. n jus nw at e point of near break-down, luckily there was norine! actually i could haf told ancestor too, jus tt at e skype browser, norine's appeared first n i didn't wan to worry another person! haha. yep. bt tho really nothin much, i jus feel a lot better! haha. even if it was jus temporarily taking my mind off the thing n not really resolving the issue! hehe. yep. n as i told both of them,

[12:40:50 AM] Kheng: hahahaha. it's ok! nobody can really do much to help me physically.. bt tt mental support is always very much needed!:D hehehhee

hahaha. this is e quote frm e conversation w norine! hehe. i love niaoniao n sotsot!:D hehe

kk. shall finish printing karen's "book" now! n SLEEP! hahaha. tired!

today is e most focused day i've ever had n lived! hahahaha.

kheng(:
01-10-10
status: finally a smile n tho i dun wan to see karen leave, i'm really looking forward to e end of social work test, so tt i can fly! heh!

:(

wah. i feel a bit bad. i volunteered to take down notes for EU discussion. bt i now den send them e summary. n i kinda forgot wat i meant wen i wrote down 4 most of e stuff le!:P hehe. oops! man! i'm starting to feel real lousy! actually i dun care wat e 3 of them tink of me.. coz we aren't gng to be close frens too i tink.. at least i dun foresee la. bt is impression la.. how can i tarnish my reputation like this?:( hmm. valerie alr noe my pattern le. so no need to hide!

heh. rah! i told bearbear i on e verge of breaking down! haha. mus haf scared her! bt yep. much better now.. gng to bath.. shall come back to finish up my term paper! hopefully i can FINISH! rah! haha.

kheng(:
30-09-10
status: k...k...mus change from now onwards k kheng? stop all these nonsense! if u want to stop all these last min scrambles, feeling bad towards tutee, tarnishing my own reputation, making my frens worried, posting non-stop, near break down points.. change kheng!

rahH!!!

rah! i about to break down le! damn it!! stop it! u're not allowed to cry! u brought it upon urself! so u mus hang in there! karen said yest, "wat tt doesn't harm u only makes u stronger!" so jiayou!:D 24h will b over soon! e moment my social work test starts! i really will b flying!

kheng!
30-09-10
status: RAHH!

i feel like dying!

wah! i feel like dying! luckily yuxiang's tuition can be pushed to mon.. bt wat e hell. tink i'll screw him up like further. why did his EOY change to tues suddenly? argh!! feel tt i'm like a little bit irresponsible sia! bt i really didn't anticipate this mad rush! tues shldn't haf slacked!

hmm. how can i possible write out a good term paper w so little info n like wat? from a few hours? i really didn't anticipate tt it's due tmr until i was kinda like signaled during the 2nd pysch tut! argh!! n dere's EU test tmr which i haven't studied. haven't done my reading yet.. tmr tutorial say wat sia? sure nth to say de!:( wah!

n karen't farewell stuff!i feel like just dying or jus ponning tmr's EU. if i can pon tt, i'll be so unstressed now! n i feel like handing in my term paper late! will i do better even if e deduction of marks? hmm. bt i dun wan to like "cheat".. coz i tink i shld hand in on time.. hmm.

bt just now i went to calculate.. if i get A for my math, A- for social work n GEK. n B for both EU and psych, i can still get a CAP of 4.2. not fantastic. bt nvm.. e CAP thingy is kinda like stressin me out now!:( hmm. no. yep.. i'm feelin v luan4 now.. coz i dunno wat views are e neural correlates talking bout!! arghh! it can make a hell lot of difference eh! hmm.

man man..n dere doesn't seem to be any research online bout this! how m i gng to get my references?

n i forgot to verify my modules online! i emailed tt person bt no replies.. n i dun wan to go down to sch! arghh! sucks! this really sucks!

i really is brought it upon myself.. ok. chill. chill for 5mins.. will feel better definitely!

hmm.

kheng
30-09-10
status: can i still not hate myself? i tink i shld, for my disgusting behaviour, but i still love myself leh.. how?