大太监 20.12.12 1215h Jus finished watching 大太监！really quite a good twist! In front was a little slow & boring! After e emp grew up den was e exciting part! Haha! E usual 勾心斗角 & there was some excitement! Yeah! So overall, nt too bad! Bt i wun say it's a top class show! Hehe! High 2nd upper? :p Yeah! I said twist coz they made cixi & li lian ying nice ppl! Which i tink was quite a fresh idea! Tho my history 2206 lecturer said tt all these dramas r rubbish! Bt actually they satisfy ppl! Throughout i was thinkin they gg to show e entire cixi's rule, den watch till ep 20+ den i realised "eh, there is drama leh! No need to b so real! :p" hahaha! Yah lo! Bt if they show e whole process, might b a bit boring also! Bt they showed only a certain phase! & make it e usual 扣人心弦 style, at least as a production, it's superb! Aiyah! Who cares bout it being a factual academic work?! :p hahaha! Yah lo! Yep! & i tink coz i like mi xue & li yao xiang - as in nt fans bt i quite like them, & coz the production really portray e good side of cixi & li lian ying, so i tink e show really made them good ppl! Hahaha! In e front part wen they saved cixi, i thot to myself, wah, this really cost China its imperial history! Bt then, actually, cixi did nt hasten e process or wat, qing dynasty was already on e down after qianlong(i learnt in history class k! :p) yeah! & china's concept wun work in a modern world! Plus after studying hy2206, my conclusion is jus china is jus too big to b able to b sustained using a one emperor system! & it's jus incompatible in this modern world! Yeah! Even if they could save China then, e system will still b overruled in e long run. Perhaps a less bloody transition? Maybe they could haf maintained e imperial system while adopting e new rules of economics & politics? Bt well, all these r questions tt will nv b answered! Yep! & tho e resolution wasn't as 惊天动地 or 振奋人心, i somehow jus tink they ended e show well! & actually li lian ying is right, tho tt tian shou din die; he was already living a 猪狗不如 life! Tt's alr karma in this life! Yeah! & e other baddies also got "tortured" while alive! Maybe a worse punishment than death! & maybe coz i kept tinkin hw they gg to sustain e good images of cixi & li lianying at e end of this drama, wen they ended & succeeded, i thot it was awesome! & maybe coz e website go put another ep 33, made me tink tt e last ep got 3 parts so i thot there might haf been more than what meets e eye so i din feel tt they were tryin to 草草了事！:p bt i tink is better than 耀舞长安！tt one really is one ep resolve everythin! & a bit unrealistic or nt given enuff 铺排 at certain parts! This nt bad! :p maybe e ep thing distracted me! ;p Yeah! & i especially like wat li lian ying said at e back! Like all along history all e good ppl & bad ppl, 孰真孰假? Who can really tell? Ppl also say cixi was being blemished because e nationalists needed a reason to unite China under a new capitalist rule! Yeah! Nt sayin tt she is definitely a nice person, bt jus, hw much can we believe even if it's frm historical records? :p bt yep! 将将就就 lah! Like li lian ying said! Life is rarely black or white! This is wat i've learnt frm so many yrs of drama watching! & i accomplished sth else frm all these yrs of drama! Tt's understand canto! Hahaha! & can speak a bit! 2 days ago i watched e tvb star awards! Could understand bout 80-90%! Haha! Yay!! Bt they haf to speak 白话语 lah!! Like in 大太监 they go 吟诗 of coz i dun understand! Mus b conversational kind! :D bt in real life i might struggle a bit! Hahah! Bt yep! Accomplishment! Yay!!! Yep! Okay! Still a good show! 7.5-8/10 for this show lah! E middle really 不怎么样! Bt i like e ending part! *thumbs up* 20.12.12 1801h Hehe! Actually can go out liao! Bt i dun tink i wanna go so early! I tink a bit awkward! It's nt tt i wan to 吊起来卖, bt i quite scared awkward! So jus nua at home first loh! Bt i dun wan to watch drama liao! E 名媛望族 nt back. Bt jus nt back loh! E person whom is gg to b married to ma guo ming is someone who isn't famous; see those parts nt v interesting! Heheh! Actually shld give newbies a chance de! I assume she is a newbie coz she dun seem v experienced in her acting skills! :p bt yah loh, i was reminded of xu zi shan & was tinkin if only she acted tt role, den will haf more 看头! Bt i tink XZS will nt b suitable to take on such roles anymore le! Coz she is quite experienced & i ascertain her as a high level actress liao, somehow she act jus wun tt haf 单纯 feelin i tink! Or maybe is jus she looks old liao lah! As in no matter wat, wun b e early 20s look! :p jus like yang yi act 回到三国 also feels weird! Is either her 造型 or she nt suitable for tt role! :p heheh! Bt her skill of coz still tt level! :p hehe! Yeah! Bt yah lo! Went to google & see if XZS will haf more dramas nxt yr nw tt she won e fav female character! :p hahaha! Bt still dun haf! :( haiz! Dunno why leh! Den i saw den i realised actually she only 2011 den haf A LOT of shows! E rest of e yrs also about 2! Haiz! Nxt yr also 2! Got one is like partial only coz is like 4 stories kind! Den she only in one story! Heheh! Yeah! Jus waitin for tt kind of excitement tt comes wen i see her show being released! Hahaha! Rmb i was super excited wen 雷霆扫毒 came out! Of coz there r still dramas tt i'll like! Like on call 36小时 & so on, bt it has to b tt good! Hahaha! If nt w.o my idol, sth seems to b missin! Jus like 名媛望族! Hehe! Yah lo! Initially quite a lot of shows also haf her share de! Bt all kena taken away! Jus wondering if there is some explanation! Hahaha! Jus to satisfy this retarded "fan" here! Hahaha! Actually she really look bitchy, bt i jus like her somehow! Hahaha! Recently starhub e various channels showed a lot of her shows! Like e period wen i went to watch all her dramas! Hahaha! Den u see her leading e shows.. Tt is e time wen she will still b e main lead! Nw is act big shows coz experienced liao! & act big shows equal to u wun b e focus of e show! :p hahaha! Coz got a lot of big stars! Hahaha! Aiyoh! Really crazy leh! Bt coz too free! & tvb shows recently nv give me the 赞 feeling! Still quite good! Still wun fall below e 7point mark! Coz e storyline jus CAN make it, den e actors & actresses jus good! Hahaha! Bt yah loh, v long dun haf sth tt is AWESOME! E last few tt i can rmb is on call, 法证 3, 潜行 wasn't too bad, bt ending v sad! :( yah loh! Bt those few still quite okay leh! Bt recently de... :( maybe is jus happen tt i like shows tt feature professions! Like police, lawyer, doctor.. I like gu zhuang also leh! Bt da tai jian & yao wu nt really THAT good! Bt i would tink tt still nt bad! Hehe! Yeah! Holidays seem to b ending! Hahaha! Actually still haf bout 3-4 wks! Hahah! Bt can feel e end!! Hahaha! Very happy this holiday! Really keep slackin! Jus din earn much money! :p heheheh! Yeah! Like tt lah! Hahah! e XZS v easily will forget de lah! Hahah! Jus tt really hopin for more dramas by her! :p hehhe! At most i'll go flip those good shows of e past! Shld b possible nw tt i can use PPS! :p heheh! Like tt time watch 情越双白线, so shiok! Jus tt last 5 ep i haven't 重温！:p hahaha! I really am damn retarded!! :p hahah! Bt drama is my life! Anw, LOL, tmr is e so called 世界末日! Heheh! Will we die? :p hahaha! If there is anythin else i would like to do at e moment, it's to watch a new, good drama of XZS! :p hahah! & to meet some of my frens!!! Heheh! * yep! & EN EN! Heheh! K lah! Stop ur craze! Hahah! Bt i really wan to watch XZS's dramas! Hahaha! Bt then again, if come out, i scared wun bring me tt kind of satisafaction like all of her past dramas, 幕后大老爷，情越双白线，法证3，甜言蜜语，even 情人眼里高1D（or sth! E title v cute de!), 团圆 & 美丽高解像 were awesome! Hahah! Maybe coz tho she was evil/storyline din attract me as much, she was e main lead! Hahah! I wan to watch her drama! Hahaha! Siao alr! :p hahah! Pau said there is some "power" thingy! Hahaha! Power of visualisation! I'm nt really like prayin to watch her drama, hahah, bt maybe i keep sayin it will come true! Hehe! Recently i seem to b quite blessed! ;p bt of coz i'm nt using my blessed-ness to ask for such "lame" things! :p heheh! Bt really jus wan to watch her dramas! Hahah! Really sot zor! :p k lah! I'm still sane! Time to go out liao! :) 1840h Heheh! Actually i tink there is jus a v strong desire to b connected to hong kong in all ways! Being able to understand canto, gg to HK nxt yr, watchin all e tvb dramas... Hahah! Siao me! :p 28/12/12 0851h E more i tink bout placement grades, e more upset i feel! Maybe coz anqi said she got her best grades ever! & yest baby asked me & i realised anqi's CAP is better than mine! I'm nt jealous of her or anythin! Because i tink they believe i'm smarter! Haha! & diff sch, diff course. Bt i'm jus thinkin loh, my CAP can't go up ALL BECAUSE OF PLACEMENT! & i jus tink of wat ppl say, attachment grades shldn't b bell-curved! Really leh, i worked so much harder this time round! Maybe coz my report is shit, tt's why i get such shitty grades again bah! Bt really leh, i put in so much effort for 10 wks, they dump me a B-! & it's worth 2 mods! & it's so demoralising! Coz it's practical, nt theory! Theory cui bt if u perform in practical, i tink it says quite a bit! Bt practical cui is jus go & die! So i was thinkin whether shld i email miss wong or shld i go & speak to her directly! During placement talk, she said jus show ACE! Wat attitude & stuff. I tink my attitude 100% leh! So wat is e thing tt can get me to an A? I'm nt even B+ leh. I'm B-! Really is e more i tink bout it, e more upset i get! Last placement i anyhow whack. B-. Nw? Still B-! & i tink of all those who did special sems! No offence! Bt juju got B+ leh. Her sup gave her a worse grade & i tink her theory nt really tt strong also, bt she got B+ leh! Izzit coz she was nt placed in a bell curve? I wonder lah.. & why shld e rest of us b placed in a bell-curve system? It's extremely unfair! Rah!!!!!!! & it's e same module code! I noe future bosses wun do this, bt wen they compare e placement grades, i get B- & she gets B+. Isn't it like she is a better worker? I'm nt sayin i'm definitely better than juju, bt i dun tink i'm really lousier than her! Maybe my report really v cui! I dunno! Bt i hear e entire clique, B, B-, C+... Only viv got B+. Bt really leh! Last time my process recording really v cui. Portfolio v cui. Report v cui! Bt this time round.... Haiz.. Maybe my ppt also v cui bah.. Maybe my report even cui-er! Rahh!!! I really feel like talkin to miss wong! Maybe email her lah! Talk face to face i scared i no courage! Yah!! Haiz!!! Damn upset! Bt okay lah! I got my first A+! Like finally! Medical! :D hehehe! Super 跳tone! :p hahahah! Bt yah! Tt mornin i checked my grades immediately coz marian told me she got C+. Den pau said she v sian w her grades! Hahah!! So i quickly go check! Coz i din wan to feel e dangling feelin! I mean wat can be worse than e C+? & i believe all e grades dropped! & i was afraid for history too! & wen i opened, i was quite happy! No C! Hahaha! & i saw an A+! Hahah! Den looked closer! Upset w e B- for placement, thankful for the B for history & super happy for my A+! Hahaha! & started countin if A+ is only for top 5%/10%, hw many ppl would tt be... Hahaha! Yay! I'm e top 1 or 2 persons in e module! ;p hahaha! Bt if 80 ppl took & 10% gets A+, den i'm 1 out of 8! Hahah! Bt super happy! Coz marian got B+, pau got A-! Hehehe! Nt tryin to beat them, bt i tink my modules can't really move beyond theirs! I dun see them as my competitor nor bench mark, bt i see them as ppl who r smart & i do compare our grades! Hehehe! Yeah! & also this is my first A in social work.. Without the minus. & first A+ mod in entire uni! & it gives me confidence tt i can do well in social work mods! Coz all along, max is also A-!! Nw i get an A+! Hahahah! Yeah! Bt i tink a few reasons! Firstly, i tink is miss ho has impression of me! My class part. Marks shld b high! 2) our report was quite good i tink! & e reflection paper shld b everyone the same(which makes me wonder whether we do all e same for report & class part as well.. Maybe miss ho jus gave everyone about e same marks!) den e final exam i finished! Most of them didn't! & i tink i wrote pretty well! Quite pleased w my ans! :p heheh! Yeah! So, conclusion! I do better w application qn! :p hahaha! All application! So i do till super happy! :p hahaha! Yeah! My greatest pride! & in future i gg into social work leh, my sis gets all A & A+ for her econs mods(a few B+ only!) so i need some affirmation! Hahaha! & i tink it gives me reason to work hard! To do my readings! If work till so hard still get B+, i might feel v discouraged! Bt this doesn't mean i will do well for future mods! Coz level 4000 is a whole new thing! & it depends on marker, tutor & ur grp mates as well! Hehh! Yep! Bt i'll work hard for my mental health mod! Shall aim towards an A as well! So tt i'll at least fall at A- or B+! Hehe! I've advantage lah! Coz intern at IMH mah! Huiwen & mama graduated liao! Marian maybe nt takin mental health! Hehe! Yep! Bt i'll still work hard! Still do my readings! Kheng! Work harder k!!! ;) & yest anqi, baby & ling came my hs for bridge! We really played for damn long! 2-730pm! Haha! Nxt wk gg play bmt & play bridge again! Hahaha! Bt really, need some common activities! Actually it's nt tt we dun haf common topic, bt feel a little distant! W anqi no prob lah, jus can communicate somehow! Bt w e rest, a bit distant! Heheh! Bt wen we're on e 牌桌. Hahahaha! NO BARRIER at all! :p hahahh! Yeah! K lah! Go do some stuff! Ltr gg out liao! Hehe! Yep! ;)) 08/01/13 Hee! First post in 2013! Hehe! Actually wat motivated me to write this post isn't sth good! Coz is anger & diao-ness! :/ bt yep! Jus write! Sis posted a promotion on whatsapp grp chat! Den i asked "wkend can eat?" Coz is a high tea offer! Den dajie went to laugh at me! I noe is play play de! Bt on wat basis is she fit to laugh at me? I noe is a v small thing! Bt i tink is jus coz i dun haf much respect for her, english at least, so i'm super diao! Dun even wan to reply! :/ so wat now? We mus always speak in proper eng? They can or not? After must put "s"! :/ i tink a bit tired so v 易怒! :/ sounds v petty! Bt really quite pissed! Dun wan post on twitter or anythin! So can only blog loh! Doesn't mean tt this means e world to me! Bt jus tt i need to vent out e frustration! Actually i also always laugh at their typo! Dunno why so pissed today! I tink is coz is dajie! Ppl correct her she also dun wan to admit! Nw she wan to laugh at ppl! I dun wan to sarca back! Coz they sure will link this to my pettiness de! Den in future they wun laugh at me liao! Nt tt i wan ppl to laugh at me, bt i dun tink there's a need to b afraid of offendin me! Bt i tink it's jus dajie! :/ i dun hate her! Jus dun like her to laugh at ppl wen she always find excuses for herself wen ppl laugh at her! :/ Yest also quite angry! Was playin bridge den my sis dun really noe hw to play! Den i jiang her, den she blame me! Say i nv put cards properly! Bt tt's always hw we play mah! We play for so many yrs le, we've a certain 默契 among us like wat baby said! Actually we also always scold each other! Baby will even hit anqi! Bt my sis make mistake still blame me! & i tink subconsciously i was upset coz 1) my sis is smart, yest e way she played nt v smart! So made me feel tt she is nt protectin her reputation! I tink indirectly, i wanted to protect e reputation of y sis being smart too! I like ppl to tink of her & me as smart! Dunno if this sounds sick, bt i jus like being smart! Hahaha! 2) my sis nt willin to admit her mistakes! I dun wan to expose her weakness in front of my frens! It's really nt i wan to protect my reputation for e above 2 reasons, bt really, i wan to protect her reputation! Maybe within an even deeper subconsciousness, it's bout myself? Bt tt is nt wat i tink, at least! Yah! Den she blame me! Say i confuse her! Nt sure den check lah! It's really nt bout e 正! It's bout e game! So sai yang! We could haf won e game! Bt i tink baby is really right! E way we play, even hw we throw cards, hw we hint one another, hw we bid, hw we blame each other w.o pissing one another off, there is a kind of chemistry liao! I'm nt tryin to exclude my sis! It's ok if she messes up e game, bt dun blame me! :/ *angry* & she's competitive also! So i noe she also bu gan xin! Tt's why i cannot b in a competition w my sis! Esp same team! Coz she will blame me or others! Nt say blame! Bt she will show her buay song-ness v easily! Nt badmouthin her! I jus wan to vent my frustration! Bt cannot show e rest! Coz i care bout my reputation! Bt den after a few rounds, my mood jus went down! Nt sure if they linked it up w this incident! Bt i tried to conceal it! Den went down e sell drinks auntie pissed me off! She kinda raised her voice at me! Damn! After tt she smiled, bt why mus she raise her voice at me?! Damn! I alr v pissed at home, bt cannot show! Den she pissed me off again! :/ damn!!! I was quite rude! I threw e 10cents into e pool of money! Bt i really was v angry! I needed to vent my frustration! Bt i admit, it's my wrong! Yeah! After tt baby & ling said i shldn't b angry! Coz i'm a social worker! Wat if my clients vent their frustration on me! It's different! Wen clients come, it's a form of transference! & wen i'm putting on e hat of a professional social worker, i'll control. I've to control! & social workers also human beings mah! Cannot haf emotions meh? My colleagues also come back & curse & swear mah! These ppl out there jus haf so unrealistic expectations of social workers! I jus gave up explainin/defending myself after they ignored my argument of clients being different frm this auntie! Bt on hindsight, they aren't wrong entirely also! If i cannot contain my anger towards tt auntie, hw can i contain my anger towards my clients! Bt point is social workers r still humans! We still haf emotions! Damn! Pissed! Yah! I couldn't haf done therapy on tt auntie rite?! Bt if it was under normal circumstances, i wun haf been tt angry! I would haf jus kept quiet & simply rolled eyes! Bt yest was really the "enuff! Stop climbing over my head! Ppl cause me to lose, i still kena blamed! Cannot show my emotions in front of my frens coz i wan face. Den even this auntie also so damn rude! I owe u de meh?! U noe wat is customer service or nt?! Damn damn damn!!!!!!!!!!" Yah! Bt after tt den okay le lah! Yeah! Talked bout some philosophical stuff w baby & ling & went home! Ok w my sis also! Suan le! I tink she felt a bit paiseh also! Coz she couldn't play v well! Partly coz of her lousy cards! & coz of my black face, tink next time she will hesistate to play w us again! Bt if she were to ask me wat happened tt caused me to b so sian, i wun tell her e reason also! Tt's e prob! I'm nt happy w quite a few things bt i jus wun say it out to my sis! So it jus remains a hidden 导火线, pissin me off every now & then! Jus hopin tt my subtle actions will make her aware! Like tt day she so fierce towards doedoe, wen we talked bout it after we went home, i did tell her tt she was v fierce & affected doedoe's performance for tt round! Nt sure if she got my msg, bt yeah! Yep! & i was worried wat my frens would tink of me! Bt i decided nt to explain! Coz maybe nth, den 越描越黑! & i tink i can let go* Yep! Bt at e end i still apologised for my anger & crankiness! Tink baby & ling would tink is over e coffee auntie! Watever!! I apologised, they can accept den accept! If cannot den sua loh! Dun tink we've time to play bridge also! Sch's startin & they're graduating! Yep! Of coz if everythin remains e same, it's e best! If nt also no choice! Actually a small thing only, bt i always prepare myself for e worst! Yeah! Yep! Bt aside frm this, nth much lah! Whined & released my anger le! Hopefully ltr will b okay! :D Did a few happy things for e first wk of jan! Firstly there's countdown! Taught them hw to play bridge! Tink she can't quite get e 精髓, bt slowly lah! :) Sidetrack! Went to check whatsapp! Den bihong jie said my joke gg to b like her "ghost towards u!" Den i jus replied "haha! Bo bian!" Actually laugh, laugh loh! Nt anythin big! Jus still buay song dajie keep laughin at me! Say a good laugh to start her day! I tink respect really a v big thing! If i've no respect for sb, watever tt person does, it's all e cross cross cross! I din wan to b so mean w my comments here de! Bt she keep laughin! 也不照照镜子, look at her english first! Actually i'm really v 激动！jus v bu shuang! Nt tt i mind being laughed at by ppl! I really used to it! Jus dun like her comments! They jus trigger me! Cannot whine to sis also! Coz maybe she tink i deserved to b laughed at also! Den she say i petty! Lol! I tink i expose a lot of my weakness in this post leh! Bt i really v pissed! Rahhhh!!! Dunno wat i'm pissed at also! Tink i'm pissed at e inability to fight back! Like i wanted to say my sis yest, dun dare! Wanted to scream back at tt auntie yest, dun dare! Wan to shoot dajie back nw, bt dun dare! All coz i care bout my face! Den can only whine here! So there's this much of anger & buay song ness tt i feel i need to vent! So i get really really pissed! Sometimes i admire my sis's 敢-ness to jus shoot ppl, like dajie! Hahaha! Bt den i also tink needs to b under control! Coz u need to give ppl face! Haiz! 有性格 & petty 只是一线之差！ i happen to b on e petty side! & also seen as being on e petty side! Rahh!!! Actually i'm someone w a lot of anger! As in i'm nt someone who is okay w everythin! Ppl like fanghui, yingjie, ling r ppl who are( at least in my eyes)! Bt over e yrs, i jus LEARNT to contain my anger! & e frustratin thing is wen u complain, ppl ard u only noe hw to tell u to suan le! It's always like tt! Wen u're an onlooker, u tink ppl are exaggerating their emotions! Bt wen u're in it urself, u tink ppl r underestimatin it! Lol! Actually i'm nt in e mood to post bout e good things! Shall continue whining! I replied "bo bian" in tt convo nt coz i cannot do anythin to stop ppl frm laughin at me! Bt rather i cannot do anythin bout my anger, buay song-ness! Wat can i do? Watever i do will b = petty in others' eyes! Plus i'm one of e creators of this laughin at ppl's language's mistake culture! Sua loh! Yah! Izzit nt enuff slp ah? Or my level of anger nw is okay? Coz i tink i alr haf been endowed w e good conditions liao leh! I've enuff rest, enuff drama, enuff fun! Feel quite happy! If like tt still easily angered, den this is my norm liao leh! If i wan to change, i need to do a "2nd degree change" liao wor! Haiz! Watever lah! Reachin soon! Gg to donate blood w my uni frens! Jiayou!!!!! Hopefully will b okay ltr! :) go go go! :D 😀😀😗😙😙😛😬 Look at smileys & cheer myself up! :D 感触甚多！ 16.01.13 Jus attended e social work new yr gatherin! Actually is graduation party for e poly ppl! Coz they graduated le! Yep! Actually at first we din wan to come! Until shamini said e real purpose of e gatherin! Felt i shld come coz of mama & huiwen! & glad i came! Experienced some 温馨！ bt at e same time, i also feel a little out! Coz our clique totally v different! We nt tt wild & high! & also nt as close to them! Like e core grp! E ppl who were part of e ex-co & planned campa they all! Yep! Bt it's okay! Coz i feel my heart warmed within my clique! :) Yep! Glad to see mama & huiwen again! Yep! Tho we dun like hang out tgt all e time, somehow e thot of them graduating & leavin still sadden me a little! Perhaps coz of e mood bah! & wen they were singing! & wen i looked at mama & huiwen esp! I tink tt's e power of separation! Everythin doesn't matter anymore! Tt's why sending OC members off each time can bring in such a strong set of emotions! Jus e power of separation! Yep! Bt of coz i held my tears back! Afterall, we weren't close to e extent of me gg to weep for them! Bt it still saddens me! Hehe! Yep! & of coz thot bout other things also! I look at hw close e core grp is, i wonder if i shld take honours! I really feel a little isolated & lost! & if i graduate this sem, i'm gg to b w pingping they all, dabong they all & also mama they all! Hmm!! Bt actually, cannot lah! Hang on kheng! & i can always decide again at e end of e sem! Jus a sudden fear jus nw tt made me reconsider my decision again! :p Yep! & it was sweet of them to organise the party for them! & juian said she'll org for viv they all at e end of this sem! Hehe! Of coz thinkin wen it's e honours ppl's turn, probably nobody will org for us! Bt it's really okay! Coz in social work, i feel v safe & comfy in my clique! So there's no need to feel e greater sense of belonging tho it doesn't hurt to haf tt! *winks* Yep! Bt it's okay lah! Jus thots! After this, life goes on! :) tmr's gg to b a little challengin? 10am lesson, den gg run w bong, another lesson(after exercise & lunch!! :/) & den gg home for tuition! Bt no choice! I need money! For my grad trip, kheng, chiong! U can do it! :D Yep! 感触！ yest met up w fy they all! Reunion after half a yr! Actually sun reunioned liao! Bt yest met again! Nxt meetin in feb! Somehow feel tt it's v far! Startin to miss havin these ppl ard! & also, meetin my jc clique & bridging tgt, makes me feel tt e bond over bridge isn't lost! Of coz meetin is good, bt wen there's bridge, it's always better! :p coz we can b entirely comfy & all of us like e game! :D hehehe! Yep! & it's perhaps e thot of gg out to work bah! They're gg to b v busy & perhaps i'm gg to experience a second round of loss! Tt time durin my 21st, mamasan had her 40th! & i wondered by the time it's my 40th, who r gg to b e ppl i'm still gg to invite? Heheh! Yep! Bt well! Dun get too emotional! Life still goes on! :D This sem is startin off well! Motivation is great! Coz of e A+ last sem, Dean's list & hopefully a 2nd upper! & also e grad trip! :D all pushin me on! :D jiayou kheng! Jus hope e motivation lasts! :) Yep! Hopefully reachin home soon! 11pm le! I feel for fiona! Super far! :/ yep! Jiayou!!! :D Kheng:) 23/01/13 Hehe! Feelin a little happy & satisfied! :D jus went to visit en en & go w bro to ah ma's hs! :D hehe! Is coz my bro lost his phone, so he took urgent leave to apply for a new phone! Hehe! Den he came home & went to fix his specs & go cut his hair! Hehe! Den i saw tt since he is back, i might as well go back to his house tgt w him to visit en en! Heheh! Coz.. Da sao said i can go visit on weekdays if i wan! Hehehe! I wan to visit my niece & i feel tt tt is a way of my dasao accepting me & understandin hw much i love en en also! :D hehhe! It feels v sweet! :D & tt time she said once bt tt wk i din go down! Hehe! So i was thinkin wen shld i go down this wk! Hehe! Den... Hahaha! At first wanted to nt go le! Coz today nv go out mah, den lazy to leave hs! Tmr haf tuition after class, friday supposed to visit ah ma b4 cls & after cls gg joggin w mama king! Heheh! Bt coincidentally, bro came back! So i said i'll go home tgt w him! :D heheheh! Yeah! :D Den went w him to ah ma's hs! Hehe! Coz he wanted to bring some stuff to ah ma! Den if i nt ard, he shld b wun go! Coz a lot of barangbarang! Tho he din bring en en's bag along today! Hehe! Yeah! So feel v happy nw! Coz visited my niece! & den went w my bro & can spend some time w my bro! He v sweet! Pei-ed me to bus stop & we waited for more than 10mins i believe for 185! Bt v nice! Coz is a v sweet thot on his side! :D hehehe! Yay! :D nw otw home! :) jus haf tt kind of happy & satisfied feeling! Power of family love! <3 hehehe! 24.01.13 Dunno wat state m i in nw! Woke up v early! Coz gg to run! Slept at 11 plus yest! 4am+ woke up for a while! Tink coz e bed v itchy! Bt i dun haf e tired feelin! & dunno if i'm feelin irritable! Bt maybe a bit! Jus a little pissed wen dabong said she cannot join us for discussion! Bt discussion is to decide where we wan to go mah! Pau nt joinin us coz this is her early day off! So suan le loh, coz she got say early! Den dabong last min den say! & she nv say! Is nw den tell me! I tink is coz is her! I wan her to be ard! So wen she say she cannot, i really get v pissed! Wanted to tweet: "I hate pangseh-ers!" Bt dun wan lah! Dun wan to 滥用 social media as a tool for frustration! Bt jus quite bushuang! Coz is her lah, i jus like havin her ard! Bt suan le! 小事！dun angry! & i v bad actually! I purposely dun wan to reply her! Tink she noe i pissed! Coz i really v sian! Jus pissed & dun feel like replyin 口不对心 stuff like "it's okay!" & add a dozen of smileys! Bt suan le! Dun wan to coerce her into comin! Plus dun wan to spoil my reputation even b4 gg on e trip! So i'll go reply her after this! Suan le! Xiaoshi! No more 8am running!* I tink i'm thinkin too far! 钻牛角尖-ing again! 7.40am Tweet 742am Limit ur expectations to urself! Nobody is expected to fulfill ur expectations! *tink subconsciously, e lack of sleep is controlling my emotions* 07.02.13 Hmm! Jus feelin a little sian nw! Coz went back fusion work! Perfectly okay for me! Coz i was prepared for politics & jus wan to earn money for grad trip! I tink they quite mean to dabong! Yeah! Bt nw feelin a little sian coz.. long story! qimin, zeni & valerie heard bout me workin & asked if still need ppl! so i'm intro-ing them to work! qimin maybe nt at fusion! & dabong's fren jus asked if she could work part time! Of coz i dun haf e right to reject & in fact wun b so selfish to lie to them tt they've enuff ppl! Bt.. I'm jus a little worried! Tt they wun schedule me for work as often if so many ppl come & work! Coz my timetable isn't like e best! Bt again, if tt happens, i shall jus go yah or go find sth else to work! I nt really tt desperate for this fusion work! Yeah! Bt jus voiced my concern to viv! & she said sorry & tt she can dun work de! I'm jus afraid tt end up she'll quit in order to let me & her fren & my other frens get e job! I mean this is perfectly her style! Bt i told her i dun wish to see her quit coz of my comment! I initially typed it out bt din send: tt it isn't my intention at all to intro frens in at e expense of her! Actually i dun haf to worry for her! Coz after we come back for grad trip, she'll b workin! She'll earn e money back! Bt den i asked her along coz we've a common goal! we did some job searchin tgt! of coz i hope e person to stick it thru w me will b her! & qimin & valerie are also graduatin & zeni's family is jus rich! They need money bt definitely nt in dire need! Yeah! Nxt sem i tink they most prob will need me coz all of them, maybe except zeni will b formerly workin liao! Yeah! I'm nt tryin to b selfish! Bt i really need e money! To put it more crudely, more than they do? I'm nt seein them as competitors, nt my intention to oust them out! Bt jus hope i can still earn money! Bt if they dun schedule me for work, i'll go try yah liao i tink! Actually i tink i'm like a bit petty! Maybe farhanah wun take them & will still schedule me first if i'm available coz i came first/i've more experience. Bt it's jus my concern! I'm nt feelin any negative emotions towards me frens! Jus afraid tt i geh kiang & i end up havin to look for other sources of income! Bt wat really upset me a little is e thot tt dabong will sacrifice! It's nt bout e sacrifice(i guess? Social psych taught me tt we often attribute e wrong reason to our emotions :p) bt e feelin of her "betrayin" our "cause" of earnin money tgt! It's nt tt i need her to earn money w me! Jus e idea of brotherhood! Somethin like tt! Jus like hw pissed i was wen she said she was nt joinin us for grad trip discussion tt day! After tt incident, i told myself i too zai yi viv as a good fren le! So i told myself to 放手！dun too zai yi! Bt if she really leave me in this job(for this reason), i tink i'll really be super bu shuang! Dun say i'll b bs, say alr we go grad trip sure 有根o刺！yah! Bt jus nw i rationalised a little! Anw she so far these 2 days nt v happy, & she also gg to start work after grad trip, she dun really need e money lah! So i dun haf to worry bout her! & i wun feel e "betrayal" so strongly! & i'm also scared tt e girls there feel e stress/worry tt i'm like bringin my chinese kingdom into tt place! Like intro so many frens in! Den they sabo or treat my frens badly! I'm nt tt worried bout myself! Coz i've liya, experience & i'm nt tt desperate bout tt job (haha! Might sound ironic wen compared to my statements above! :p) Yeah! Bt if qimin, val or zeni sees, i hope they dun mind! I'm nt mindin them joinin, nt sayin they're desperate or anythin! I'm jus worried bout e money i'll earn! Nt blamin them or anythin! No negative feelings towards them! Jus worry! bt e angry feelings towards viv will come if she leaves me becoz of e above reason! Wenever she self-sacrifices too much, i jus feel this "arghh-ness"! I dun like! I dun like to be always on e receivin end! & i dun like ppl to make dramatic sacrifices tt make me feel bad for me! I jus hope things will go smoothly! If she leaves coz she dun like e job, e ppl, it's perfectly fine w me! Yeah! Bt preparin myself for e worst! & jus slowly let go! So tt if she really leaves, i wun b too affected! Yeah! This morn was jus randomly thinkin bout this; i hope one day wen i die, my fists wun b clenched tightly! Coz i hope i've learnt to let go at e last moment of my life! Dun be e 执著 me nw! Yeah! 死心眼！ today dr choo said she thinks personality changes, i agree! Bt i also believe a big portion of it doesn't! & i tink mine din change much! Yeah! Kheng. 08.02.13 Hehe! Jus got my schedule for e entire feb! Jus told dabong tt 24th i'm gg out, so she might end up havin to work w tt irritatin girl! & she jus said it's ok! Nt worth it to nt work coz of her! Hmm.. Nothin wrong! & she's jus totally sensible! Bt sometimes dabong is jus too "ideal" tt makes me feel uncomfortable! I hope i'm nt upset coz it makes me feel like i'm v immature, bt jus like why can't dabong jus behave "immaturely" for once! Haiyo.. Jus tt kind of why so "stubborn"! Bt nth wrong lah i noe! Anyway, suan le! Maybe it wun b rescheduled in such a way tt she'll haf to work w tt gal! Well! It's up to Fate! & maybe she's jus right in nt avoidin coz it's impossible to avoid everythin! Jus.. This is jus part time! We've e choice to nt 委屈 ourselves! Bt diff ppl haf diff thots! Suan le! Jus work & see hw things go! :) saw raihanah! She wanted me to put make up! I'll seriously reconsider e job if she insists! Hahaha! Yep! :) Ok! Suan le! Dun b so petty & zai yi! I noe dabong is nt havin it good recently! Yep! I guess i can only listen & support! Wat else rite? Dun tink i'm in any position to advise & i dun wan to as well! Yep! Bt a lot of work this mth! :D shall go count my hours & money! :p hehehe! Thinkin of wat i blogged bout yest, like v xiao qi! Bt jf anyone reads, i jus hope they wun tink i'm really like a xiao ren! I jus wan to earn money! Nt tryin to marginalise anyone, bitch bout anyone or seein them as my enemy! Bt k lah, say so much also no use! Become like i got money earn liao den tryin to save my ass! :p hahaha! Bt heck! Long time since i used phrases like "if anyone sees this"! Lol! Wat's kheng afraid of again nw? :p Kheng. 12.02.13 Wah! Really is jus a dampener early in e morn! Bro came back w en en & dasao! Den he said he is nt stayin for dinner coz need to go dasao's side. So okay lah, dajie they all is we invite de mah.. Den he said frm nxt yr onwards they dun wan to go bai nian except his & dasao's parents! Coz too many ppl, they dunno hw to manage! If wan to see en en, go his house! Wah! Yi ge lame! I'm a bit pissed off nw! So wun say v nice things! Nvm, tt's their choice! As long as he bring en en back here! Really a lot of places to go meh? Our side v clear cut isn't it? Only first day go visit ah ma, nxt day someone else's hs! Lol! & he is nt gg to 向 ah ma 拜年？ Den i asked him ard wat time he is leavin. Dunno. Ard wat time? Dunno. He said "i'm nt someone who likes to ask ppl time also." Bt he really doesn't noe hw badly it disrupts ppl's schedule! In general! Well! Nt his issue! Coz he wasn't e one who invited ppl to our hs today! Was my suggestion! So i obi/LL. Den en en kept fidgeting! Den i put her on e sofa "top" & held on to her! Den he said "dun let her sit like tt! E sofa v hard!" I tink i immediately rolled my eyes! Den he said "我可能会变成全民公敌, bt i don't care, 我女儿的backbone比较重要！" honestly lah, after he said tt, i only wanted to return en en to him! Seriously! His action is only gg to keep ppl away frm en en! Maybe he thinks it's ok! Coz en en has her parents! Tt's enuff! Tt's true to a certain extent! Bt hear alr really is yi ge sian! Slept late last nite! So mood isn't on top form anyway. So i tink i jus rolled my eyes on e spot, tt's why he made tt comment! Really is yi ge lame! Tt time he commanded me nt to use food to tempt en en, after tt he spoke nicely to me bout other things coz i tink he din wan me to feel offended! I was offended bt i jus suan le! Yah lah, tt's his child! He has every right to decide for e child! Bt really is yi ge pissed! Yi ge lame! Yi ge off! Really is bth! Feel like jus gg back to slp! Bt gege sleepin on my bed! If nt i'll jus go & sleep! Die lah! Mood disorder! Suddenly tear! Dunno wat i'm sad bout! Sad tt my bro become so kua zhang? Sad tt he is so anti-social? Sad tt he is so off? Or jus sad tt it's deviatin frm my ideal/imagined family? Forget bout it lah!* Really is yi ge sian! Kheng 18/01/13 Haiyo! Ass! Actually this morn worked till quite happy! Den raihanah come over & jus shoot my seat too low, shoot my hair, shoot my face no make up! Den i yi ge sian! Coz of e way she said it! Bt wen she came out, she talked nicely to me! Bt wen she came over & jus shoot, i was like wah biang! It's like yest we worked till 10pm, this morn got us back at 8am. Nvm! & this job isn't like payin million of dollars! I'm nt despising this job! I'm proud of my ability to serve, bt it's like this morn i got a bread & a starbucks drink & it was alr more than 1 hr of me sittin there! Bt all these don't matter! It's raihanah's bucket of water tt was like "damn!" Den i look at my hp & saw e photo i took w kaiyi! Den i asked myself why do i've to like "委屈" myself like tt! Actually it's nt v unbearable! & this job actually haf a lot of side perks! Coz is flexible timin & i can do my own things! & pay isn't really tt bad! Near sch & i've straight bus home! Bt seriously! & anw, wat e photo reminded me of was study hard if nt u've to b subjected to such a life! Work like a dog, don't earn much & haf to b subjected to all kinds of expectations against ur will! Yeah! & den farhanah came w e contract! Wah! If quit need 1 mth notice! It's like.... & was hesistatin to sign! Bt i knew i most prob wun reject her! & liya told me schedulin will improve soon! Yah loh! Dunno hw will things go! Haiz! Yep! I msg-ed farhanah! See wat she is gg to do nxt! I've a feelin she is jus gg to ignore my msg! I'm gg to buy coloured lip bum! If raihanah still nt happy, den i tink i'll jus quit! Jus afraid tt i'll lose e $500 or watever amt i've earned! Really shld haf thot more carefully jus nw! Bt coz liya was ard, i din ask farhanah bout it! Wrong move! Shld haf jus asked! Nw tt i've signed, haiz.... Hopefully raihanah will b happy enuff w e lip bum! Yeah! & den nw yuxiang's trc delay e lesson! Need to start tuition 15mins ltr! & den dunno wat time will reach sup's hs! A lot of barang barang! :/ & jus nw marian jus pissed me off w her frankness again! She told me i shld go trim my eyebrows! Den w some coloured lip bum, will b able to pass off as make up coz my complexion quite good! Bt e trim ur eyebrows was like said in such a direct manner tt was so offending! Den wen i was playin subway surf, she jus hao lian-ed tt her high score was a lot higher than me! Damn rude! I alr feelin damn sian & she jus topped it off! :/ bt luckily i held my cool! Jus v whiny! This is bad! I interpreted certain cues jus nw tt i whined too mch! So i stopped! Or rather, reduced! Yeah! Bt it's good! Coz i need to b conscious of my level of whiny-ness & nt impose so much on others! I mean wen u whine, others can only listen & it's a v stuck position for others! & den beigu come & do stuns! I'm helpin him find part-timers on a part time basis! & here he is makin so many requests & wan me to reject candy tt grp! Pls leh! I noe candy leh! Den ppl alr reserve their timin le den u ask them dun work suddenly! Goodness! He go tell them himself! Initially i helped him ask ard coz win win! He gets helpers & my frens get to earn e money! Nw is win-lose! I've to b e bad guy & i'm alr v sian, still haf to help him handle all these things! & i'm nt paid leh! Goodness! I'm nt being calculative k! If i'm, i would haf told him to go find part-timers himself wen he changed e date & i couldn't find ppl! Rahh!! I'm jus gg to tell him to go discuss w candy they all himself! None of my business! Anw, i nv owe him any favours! Really super sick of all these! I wan to b nice! I see tt he is busy w his work! I help him bt i feel damn inbal! Really is tmd 关我屁事！i tink i'm gg to tell him e truth! Tt it's really v mean to kick ppl away! So i nv say i dun wan to help him! I shall try & be kinder! Bt if he insists, den i help him this last time & in future, he settle himself! Yah! Really is yi ge sian! Ltr go buy hair clips & coloured lip bum! Shall b a little later for mdm tan's hs! No choice! Dun wan raihanah to nag at me tmr! Yah! Rahh!! Look on e brighter side! At least i've dabong w me! & supportive peers like bearbear & ancestor!!! <3 <3 18.02.13 Woah! Today is another day of mixed feelings! Bt definitely nt roller coaster like yest! :) hehe! there is really jus ppl in life who will piss u off! Hahaha! Bt dun feel like bloggin bout all those things! Bitched jus nw so feel okay w tt! :) Hehe! Jus had mixed feelings seeing fiona again! Nt fiona chua! Bt e fiona whom i noe wen i worked at fusion tt time! Yeah! Haf been thinkin of her eer since i came back to work! Wonderin if i'll see her! Hehehe! & argue w her over whether man u suck or nt! :p hahaha! Bt din see her alone! Thot she quitted! Was thinkin of askin her after i settle down! Den this morn Saw her! She looked a little diff bt familiar so i looked longer at her! Den she gave me de "eh! Is u!" Look! & she said "u noe me goon!" Hahahah! Den i went "i dunno u!" Hahaha! & she said "fiona!" & i said "i dunno u!" Again! & she said "noe!" & i went "dunno" den she knew i prankin her! B4 tt her dad told me he was escortin her up! I heard e word "stroke" bt i thot is her father who had e stroke! & i thot is her new colleague or sth! Coz she always like to play! Den i went "why u cut ur hair?" Den she said "i got stroke!" Den i saw her limpin pass me & e whole heart was like "omg!!" Aiyo! Feel like tearin nw as i blog! Tink i'm really tired & maybe thinkin out of proportion of e whole incident? She is jus my acquaintance! Bt jus feel it v strongly! & e feelin only gets stronger as i retrospect! Maybe coz jus nw was shock more than sad! Yeah! Den wen her dad came down, i asked him wat happened! Den he told me she got a stroke last yr! & i asked how is she & he said "recovering" & jus came back to work yest! Jus feel this "affinity" w her! Lol! After like 3 yrs? Nv keep in real contact & i see her on her 2nd day of restarting work! Coz of e coincidence, i feel e affinity! Yeah! & it's really v saddenin! Den i went to see her fb durin lunch coz i wanted to noe wen did it happen! & was thinkin of wat i wanted to say & thinkin of wat to avoid sayin so tt i dun say anythin insensitive! Yeah! Coz i fb PM-ed her after she went up! & told her to come down & talk cock w me if she's free! Coz her dad had to escort her up! So i thot she might b unable to come down or anythin for lunch! Bt i din wan to harp on e difficulties she faced! So i din mention things like "if u can!" Yeah! & she talked to me wen she came down for lunch! & i jus kept complainin bout work! Felt tt perhaps tt's a way of connectin w her? Also dunno! She seemed a little different! I guess e stroke changed things? Yeah! & i see her face den i realised she might nt b as young as i previously thot of her to be! Yeah! Bt no matter wat! I tink it's still young for her age to get a stroke! & wen she came down again after lunch & i saw e way she limped & walked so slowly, i really felt e 感叹！at tt instant i realised wat ppl always say bout "walkin tt step or walkin like a normal person" can b so difficult! & i thot of hw she used to always KEEP comin down to smoke & hw she would always creep up to & whisper "man u sucks!" Wah, it's really quite overwhelmin! :( Yeah! Of coz she is back to work nw! Bt nth bout her will ever b e same! Really! Again, i understand nw wat ppl always say they lose e normal kid they could haf wen parents give birth to children w disabilities! :( I'll ask her dad again if i see him whether is it likely for her to recover or nt! Jus feel like doin sth for her! Of coz our 交情 nt 深 at all, & i saw on her fb she seem to haf supportive ppl ard her? Colleagues at least? & her family? Yeah! Bt i'll still do watever i can! Bt i dun wan her to feel tt i'm lookin at her disability & nt her! Yeah! I was learnin k! I saw hw ppl helped her ard! So if at any time i can offer my service, i will definitely hold her properly! Yeah! It's really v sad! Jus nw i was thinkin of tellin her "at least u lose weight!" To cheer her up! Nw i tink it's really an ass to say tt! I imagine e pain & everythin she went thru, i really dun tink such humour will work! Shit!! I'm tearin on bus! :/ Actually i dunno! Maybe she was strong! & she really wasn't v affected by it? Bt it can also b e other way round! Tt she was really deeply affected by it! I went to see her fb! I tink she got e stroke in jan! & all e way till may den she returned to fb! & there weren't many posts also! I jus tink tt it's some form of affinity! I totally din keep in any contact w her! I dun even tink we're like frens? Jus acquaintances! & it's like i got to noe bout her situation wen i couldn't find tuition & wen i decided to come back to work! Dunno! Maybe nth much at all! Bt jus feel tt there is sth special here! Maybe is hindsight bias bt jus feel sth! Maybe it's jus a coincidence tt she is e only one i rmb frm fusion who noes me! Tt's why it's like especially coincidental? Bt dunno leh! Why izzit tt nw wen i decide to come back to work tt she is returnin frm work also? Bt actually there's nth much i can do lah! I dun work everyday! & i dun work north tower all e time also! Bt emotional support/encouragement & any practical support if i can offer, i definitely will do! If nt for anythin, it really was an impt lesson for me! Makin me understand all those 大道理 tt social work classes haf always been tryin to teach! Yeah! I'll go write e card soon i guess? :) dun haf to b accurate or politically right! Jus haf to tell her hw i feel totally! I guess it's e heart & thot tt counts? Hopefully it's nt any destructive move to write e card! Yep! I only mean well! Yeah! Tt "taxi taxi" movie really was right! Although workin as a taxi driver & famous lab researcher really is v diff & e argument of being able to see wat life is is sufficient for him to nt return to b a lab researcher sounded a bit 牵强 for me, i do agree nw tt workin in e service line brings u loads of lessons everyday! Yeah! 读万卷书不如行万里路！ Yeah! It's like u see hw ppl interact! Hw ppl take things for granted! Bt also hw ppl respect u! Frm simple things like hw they interact w u! U see 16yr olds gg to fitness first - an atas gym! & u see hw ppl of diff nationalities interact! U see hw ur coordinator bitches bout u behind ur back! U see hw ppl haf double standards & many more things! Really fruitful exp! For all e insults & pissed off moments, this learnin shall justify them all! Yep! God's really amazing! 圣恩浩荡！ Yep! Learn to appreciate kheng! Rather than whinin & whinin all e time! Yep! :) Nw shall haf good dinner & hit e sack! Bt shall msg tong to tell her this! Kheng. Tweet. 21/02/13 Really & simply jus drained. Period. Tweet. 22/02/13 0028hrs I've been crying for e past 3 nights, it's really zappin my energy & hurtful to my eyes. Time to sleep! Tomorrow will b a better day! :) 08.03.13 Hehe! Can actually feel tt i'm gettin old! I'm startin to like travellin home alone! So tt i get the private space & time to think about things! Hehe! & jus sang 阿信's "happy birthday" to jael! Hahaha! Coz i promised i'll sing for her durin k! Hehehe! Bt i din so i did a recordin jus nw at 1150! Hehehe! She said first time her dian ge get thru! Hahah! Din noe i'm capable of surprisin ppl! Hehehe! In such a simple way! My singin was awful! Hahah! & totally no bg music! Bt it's e thot tt counts! Bt i guess last yr was e 21yrs old year & everythin became rah-rah & big! Parties, expensive gifts.... Forgot this simple happiness! Jus feel e obligation to make cards..... Hehe! Glad tt i find back this small happiness in makin ppl's b-daes! :D hehehe! Yeah! Jus like kaka's bdae last yr! Jus an e-card & a cheapo to e max translation of yang yi's thank-you speech bt i can feel tt wen kaka said i was awesome, she really felt so! :p hehehe! Yep! & felt tt i was old coz i haven't been playin fb for ages! & e exchange of spams w jael jus nw, haven't done anythin like this on fb for super super long time! Hehe! & feel tt as i grow older, i keep everythin to myself! Dun dare to venture, share more things than i shld & all tt.. Jus nw wen mat told me her opinion of gor's praises & warm "reception", i was like i wun say this if i was her, coz i'm too fearful of consequences.. Really gettin old! Jus nw doin tt little crazy thing for jael was like rejuvenating! Hehh! Regain some youth & energy! :p hehehe! Really too shag this sem! Nt by sch work bt by work & all e dingding-dongdongs! Hopin for a more energetic "life" ahead! Hehe! Bt startin to like e little bit of tranquility! Hehehe! Happy birthday jael! <3 Kheng. 09.03.13 Really is yi ge pissed! Xi geen na! :/ Tt tutee ******! Keep askin me fundamental qn! Nvm, i understand tt in sch he only memorises, so i come & explain! Tt's my role mah! If nt tuition for wat! Den jus tryin to memorise his trc's steps! Luckily i nv say "do b4 den no need do!" Coz do b4 he also dunno hw to do! Rahh!! Den jus tryin to memorise! I alr say alr "dun memorise! I wan u to understand, nt memorise!" Goodness.. Den i guess my tone was a bit harsher.. I swear it's a little! i've had harsher tones & worse rollin of eyes.. Den nxt qn i alr tried to b nice & help him along.. He gave me attitude! Xi geen na! I'm here to give tuition nt here to get rolled eyes at okay! Maybe he thinks e same way also! Bt nt my intention to roll eyes at him, he needs to learn to understand, not memorise! Bt also lah, i also nv train him to b more independent, jus usin drill & practise, coz this is maths mah! Although i always try to explain, my tutees can't get them! Maybe somethin wrong w my explanation technique! :/ bt seriously loh! Den i jus yi ge pissed! Jus replied v curtly & ended tuition after e nxt qn! E nxt qn i din even get him to try, i jus wrote e steps out for him! Of coz i tried to explain! Nv jus write answers out for him! Really loh! All these xi geen na, take things for granted! :/ & he is 16! Tho still like a kid, & tho he is a boy, he still needs to learn hw to tahan ppl's harsh comments & remarks & reflect! Not always live in his own world! Rah!!! Den after tt i also nv 多说, jus packed & go! Got one more qn i jus asked him to do as hw! Why shld i spend more time giving tuition wen my tutee is so unappreciative! Rahh!!! & everytime i let him eat b4 tuition & give him break & teach extra!!! Bt i tink all these is i spoil e market myself.. Rah!! Actually i nt v angry! Coz e moment he attituded me, i jus attituded back! It's wen u're unable to retaliate like wen i'm at fusion den u feel v 委屈, jus nw i jus fought back! So, okay... :p hehe! Bleh! At least i din flare up at him? :p hheheh! Kheng. 11.03.12 Omg! I realised i'm really a control freak! Hahaha! Jus dun trust others! Hehehe! So bad! Bt i realised some of my frens r like me! :p heheheh! So it isn't jus me! Bt tryin to let go! Hehe! Nw wonderin when will aspire/fusion let us leave! Coz seems like e 2 new girls r here! Does it mean they gg to let us leave? :) heheheh! Coz this fri got paper due! Den wkend slacked! So i'm dead! Hehehe! & den need to book e hotels! Nt tt i mus decide everythin, bt like for hongkong, i dunno if they did check e location in terms of whether it's near mrt station & yest my sis showed me hw to apply discount & deals, so not sure wen viv & jh checked, did they do all those or nt.. I wan to book e stuff at e lowest cost, bt like a bit weird to be "teachin" them hw to check or those.. As in it is like i tell them le they have to do check everythin all over again? :/ hehe! I noe viv wun mind! Bt we've other stuff due & she's workin also! I dun wan her to burn midnight oil! & also coz i dun like o contribute lesser than other ppl! It's nt a trust issue, bt i dun like to nt b unable to contribute! Actually e air tix i tink i've done ALOT le! Bt i jus like to do many things! :p hehehe! Bt tt is why i told myself mus let go! Heheh! & fiona is feelin disturbed regardin e trip coz she has no time to do e f/u! Hehe! I jus told her she can either let us do e bookin or tell us to give her time so tt she can go take a look over this wkend! Bt dunno lah.. She nv reply me! Tink still v disturbed? :/ Dunno also! Nw i also feel a bit lost coz many things to do! :/ bt will take one step at a time! Slowly kheng! :) Tweet Gettin a little frustrated! Viv & jh keep pushin to book e hotels! Honestly, if i din suggest discussin e stuff last sun, will anyone be doin anythin? Nw we need to do e mental health paper & they keep rushin to book e hotels.. Honestly i'm really not too sure whether r e rates they found e cheapest! & for hongkong, really need to check out e area lah! & jus wen i replied jh coz she asked if we shld settle e other hotels as well, my sis asked me "hotels book alr?" I was like, "stop askin!" Rahh!!! Bt my sis is innocent lah! She also dunno! I'm nt really angry at viv, coz at least she nv push for "now", she only asked us to take a look! Dunno, honestly, i'm a little pissed w jh, dun really like e way she addresses e issues, bt i noe this is jus her, & i noe i'm being petty myself bt really... Rahh!!! I alr let go! I dun haf to b i/c of this hotel bookin, bt i wan to take a look to ensure we enjoy e best rates & discount! & also get e best hotels possible! So i wish to haf a say, nt e final say, bt a say! Bt i need to work! & need to do my mental health reflection paper! So really hoping they can jus wait for a few days! Goodness! Bt if they wan to go ahead, den do bah! Based on wat i noe, fiona, pau & peiqi most prob wun haf time! Marian most prob will wan to work on her paper also lah! Sometimes i really tink peiqi is like so angelic! She wun get angry! She is v pei he, v appreciative & stuff! Dabong also! Pau is jus bo chap! Hahah! As in these things dun bother her! Bt i'll get angry! At hw ppl talk! & i'll hiam things! Izzit not good? Is it forgivable to haf a bit of expectations & mind things? :p hahaha! Bt dunno leh! E taiwan part is e part i look a lot forward to! Bt i'm a little nt v excited by e itinerary! Bt it's nt jh's fault coz some places like museums is pau wan to see de, e 921 is marian wan to see de! & we all haf diff expectations! Maybe they tink my hongkong trip is yi ge cui also? Hmm... Bt yah! Okay! Much better nw! After rantin & sayin e part bout me jus wantin to retain tt little bit of hiam-in stuff characterstic tho it might nt make me v pleasant! :p hehehe! Yep! Nvm lah! Actually at most a bit more cui, a bit more ex! It honestly doesn't matter tt much! :p hehehe! Kheng :) 12.03.13 Tweet - 2035 Actually upon 2nd look, avtually jh also nv pressurise us to go book e hotels immediately!hehe! Den her reply like a bit wei qu & i wondered if i was too fierce! Was thinkin of askin viv or pau, bt suan le! I wasn't v fierce i feel! I used "bah" i din use "loh"! Bt really lah, only peiqi dun haf e mental health paper to do! Bt i will jus go & take a look asap & input my comments! This i shall let viv/jh push e grp! If nt it's like "nw i busy den ask them hold, wen i free den make them move!" Like i v dictatorial like tt! I care bout image! K! Tt's it! Dun tink bout it liao! Shld i reply sth? :p hehe! Tweet - 2040hrs I replied! I'm experiencin dissonance nw! Jiahui said "no lah! :):) we understand de! :):)" & i was thinkin, tt means i sounded fierce? Goodness! I experienced dissonance coz i wan to b nice bt i wan go express my emotions too! Bt i decided to jus admit tt i'm jus nt a completely nice person! Nvm if they tink i'm fierce/mean! Some will accept, some would haf known & accepted.. Yep! If nt it's ok also! Will try so hard? :p hehe! Suan le! Yep! :) Tweet. 18/03/13 Yi ge pek chek! Damn! Tweet 21.03.13 I really is pi gu yang! Tired dun wn tell pau go home earlier! Tired dun wan sleep still wan check hotel! Noe tmr can't get enff slp still dun wan slp! Den nw feelin stressed co i tink tmr i'll b v tired! & gg out till v late, cannot imagine hw black my face might b wen i'm out w e girls! E band is startin at 930! Omg! Look at my horrified look!!!!!! :/ haiz... I really is fan4 jian4! :/ haiz!!!!!!! Rahh!!!! 23.03.13 Heheh! Jus played mahjong w doe doe & gege & yongjian! V fun! Hahaha! Yongjian & doe can play de! Tho i tink yongjie seems to b e higher level player! Hahaha! Bt e suay spot there keep causin e person who sits there to lose! :p hahahah! Bt it's fun! E satisfaction frm creatin a big tai game is awesome! Hahahah! U can feel ur body being made excited by e game! Hahaha! I jio-ed them to play again on fri! Coz fun lah! E gamblin & gamin genes r jus in us all! Tt's why we're one family! :p hahaha! Bt if bro is bringing en en home...... Hmm... I'll go home earlier! Hehe! Bt will still come & play! Hahah! Really addiction! It's fun lah! :p Bt of coz if keep losin, things will b diff! Hahaha! Bt jus play in e meanwhile! :p hahaha! 28/03/13 Another day worth rmb-ing!! :D yes! Went to return uniform! & so glad sth dragged me up this mornin to finish colouring e carebear for fiona (wang)! Hehe! Yep! E envelope is nice i tink! :p heheh! & den wrote a letter jus nw durin break! :D hehe! & bot e care bear yest! So v glad! Completed e intended set! Except for e usin left hand to write e card part! :p Yep! & returned uniform! & hesistated whether to write e letter to raihanah or nt! Bt wrote eventually! & aske lyia to help me pass her! I scared she see alr call me! :p heheh! Bt eventually i still bot e envelope & decided to pass e letter to her! Scared got karma! Si dou yao write to her! Bt eventually jus wrote! & reduced my dissonance by complainin bout hw badly she treated us! :p heheh! Yeah! She's nt impt! I'm jus nt gg to pick up any unknown no for e comin 1 wk! :p nt tt i wan to make her feel bad! Bt i dun wan to talk to her! Bleh! :p bt see hw! I might accidentally or dun mind pickin up! :p heheh! Yeah! & den passed choco to security & cro! :) yep! Tt's e end! & passed to aisha to pass to suzy! Suzy din noe i quitted! :p hahahah! Bt i explained to her! Hehehe! Dunno wat she will tink, bt heck! Frm wat lyia said, i tink everyone noes & thinks i'm quittin coz of e LOA. Hahaha! Bt it's ok! It's a v big reason & definitely e trigger! Jus nt e sole reason! :p hehe! Yeah! Bt anw, wat i wan to talk bout is jus nw e interaction w fiona! I fb msg-ed her & she din reply! & i was thinkin of hw! Go up & pass to her colleagues izzit... Den luckily she replied me exactly 15mins after i msg-ed her! & she said she busy! Asked me meet mon! Den i din wan to bring my carebear ard! & jus wanted to pass her lah! So i asked if i could go up pass her! Den she told me to go up! At first i thot she a bit disturbed by my insistence! Bt wen i appeared at e door & she saw me, could see she was really glad to see me!!!! :D hehe! Yeah! Really full of appreciation! & i told her "i've to insist of comin up because i din wan to bring this back! :p" hhaah! & she saw it! Hehe! Den she asked me wat is it! & i thot her to guess! She opened up & really gave me e appreciated look! I told her jokingly i got stalk her fb! :p hahaha! & she jus smiled! Bt was e v touched look! & she held on to my hand! Really v affectionately! & i jus repeatedly said "take care"! & she knew i was referring to her condition! & she said "i'll" w e i noe wat u referrin to & look of appreciation of 感动-ness! Yeah! & i jus said like "see u ard!" Den she asked really like a kid, "how? :'(" & i said i'll come back! & will text her wen i'm back! & i told her i wrote her a letter! Told her to read slowly! :) hehe! Yeah! I'm v sure v sure she'll go back & read slowly! I could feel it totally jus nw! Wen she held on to my hand, wen she walked out w a big smile to meet me, wen she took e gift & wen she said "i will!" Hehe! Yep! & i wanted to hug her bt din, jus patted her on her bag! Coz tink tt pat would serve as much as a hug! Really is 尽在不言中 kind! <3 yep! Wen i was writin e letter & doin e card, i did tink.. Whether will she tink i v kua zhang! We also nt v close & stuff! Bt yep! I tink my worries r unfounded! Yep! :) & she is actually really strong! It isn't jus theory or assumption! E fact tt she managed to sustain till today, till nw, back to work & stuff.. It really is STRENGTH! She is really strong! & she said she will take care w such faith & resolute i noe she really wun give up so easily! & she jus told me to go! Hehe! Nt chase me away bt ask me to do my stuff! :) & i said take care again! & told her to walk back slowly! & as i left & came down, i felt tears whelmin up again! Coz i tink of everythin! Jus feel sad again for her, bt touched by her strength & really glad tt she looked touched & happy w my thought! Yep! & oh yah, i crapped! Told her e letter this time got more substance! At least this time got "fiona". Last time is jus "man u dun suck!" Hahahah! & wen she first came out & greeted me w "hw r u" or sth, e casualness reminded me of the her in e past! Jus like her "goon" wen she re-met me this time! Really is heart-warmin! Actually really amazed by hw things played out! I wonder whether she even kept e letter i wrote to her last time! Bt i'm sure this one she'll keep! :) yep! Really happy & touched! Fiona, keep fightin! I really really hope to hear frm her one day tt she has recovered a lot!!! I believe e illness definitely made her grow! & a different person now! :) Yep! ;) jiayou fiona!!! Tho we're jus frens (i insist we r nw frens! Nt acquaintances), i'm supportin u from e bottom of my heart! U'll b strong! I noe! :) Yep! Of coz maybe everythin is jus an act/she jus entertainin me! Bt i really dun tink so! Some things u see w ur eyes & feel it w ur heart! If like tt also act de, den also no choice! Bt i choose to believe i brightened up her day! ;) & perhaps a little to e many more to come! :) Yep! Jiayou, fren! :) -man u don't suck. 29.03.13 Hehe! Jus finished 2nd mahjong session! :p haha! Today really nt as good! Lost $15! Bt first round alr lost $100 (=$25) of chips alr! :p hehehe! Feel a bit bad! Jus nw playin 北风，南 tt time, yj won a 5台, 自摸. Really was pek chek! Coz a lot of times alr! Den v big! So my face sian! & i dunno i feel bad so i sensitive or wat, tink they sensed it? Hhehe! Or maybe i tink too much! Coz i noe i've reputation of being petty! So i feel tt they'll noe! :p heheh! Or draw links! :p nt tt i dun haf e money to lose! Bt jus v sian! Coz a lot of times alr! Den it's like why 打 also 不起 like tt! So jus sian! Hehe! Den after tt jie kept naggin behind my back! I noe she wanted to teach me hw to play! Bt i alr v pek chek! & she teach till we like idiots like tt! & she even shifted my cards & played one of my tiles in one round! Jus 1 card! Bt it is like as much as she is anxious in helpin me or to teach me, cannot play my cards lah, i jus tink is respect! Nothin to do w hw good u r & stuff! Yep! & den i threw a tile for doe to 胡 4 台 wen she alr obviously playin 索子! So really is suicide + sabo! :p hehehe! Bt yeah! U learn along e way! U've to pay sch fees lah! They say 10 times i rmb once! Bt i play once & pay for it, i rmb immediately! Jiu shi zhe yang! :p bt yah! Nw okay le! Jus feel bad! Like sore loser like tt! Bt after tt wen i calmed down, i tried hard to show i wasn't angry or a sore loser! :p heheh! Bt it's over! Suan le! :p Hehe! Din jio them to play again! Coz nxt wk shld b busy chionging SS! & i tink nt v healthy! Play every wk! & like doe lost twice! $30+ le leh! Tho she doin internship, money also nt like tt spend de! Bt i'm more worried bout gege! Yj at least he has been winnin! Yah! Hehe! So see hw! & maybe jio will b suay de! :p heh! & jus cannot gamble too frequently! I'm nt there to earn their money! Bt if no play money, really no motivation! :p hehehe! Yep! So see wen they jio again! I might jio again in wk 13? Coz wk 12 sun is my bdae! :p tho i dun mind spendin bdae mahjong-ing, bt see first! :p hehe! Yep! Tt's it! Tmr tuition, bmt & do Ss! :) heheh! Yi ge nua! :p heheh! Kheng. 2nd april 2013 Hehe! Dunno why i so angsty also! Tink jus a bit pek chek w e ppt? Dunno leh! Some jus took so long! I a bit irritated by their inconsiderate-ness! Maybe they dun mean it, bt really quite inconsiderate! * but suan le! Yep! Feel a bit "shameful" now tt i haven't done much for my SS project! Better work hard ltr! & for e comin wk! :) Kheng. Tweet Knowin & being able to take it are really 2 different things. 03/04/13 i blogged a bit jus nw alr! Bout e fiona incident! Jus had dinner w jc clique! Really was yi ge amusing! Hahaha! V happy! & v satisfied after e dinner! This is wat frens r for, isn't it? :) to make one another feel supported! Nt to impose pressure on one another! Of coz we've our own set of things to quarrel bout! Bt definitely nt as extreme as tt w fiona! :/ Really cannot take it leh! At first i felt bad coz i did judge her! Bt after tt i realised for wat she said, it's nt tt we were judgin her! Bt we were worried tt if she goes out to work, her colleagues might nt b able to accept! We 好心 nt 变坏人！lol! Yes we asked her to b herself, bt she mus control mah! Even if we, or rather i, aren't being reasonable by askin her to control, we haf our rights to b pissed rite? I thot bout it leh! It's nt her actions or whether i judge her or nt, bt if u're prepared to do something, be prepared for e consequences! Like i pon sch, if ppl say i cannot manage my time well, i'll b bu shuang, bt tt's e truth! I can b upset, bt i can't stop ppl frm feelin or thinkin tt way! Bt she doesn't understand tt! Maybe she is in a v vulnerable position now, & she really wants our support, tt's why she is upset w us, bt so? Tt doesn't give her e right to b accusin us! Bt well, she can also say she has e right to b angry! Of coz! Bt makin tt kind of accusations & blamin us non-stop! Please! Really was yi ge pissed! I can no longer see things as she being more needy*, & i jus give up on her! I'll nt talk more or do more than i need w her! Jus surface interactions! & i cannot imagine hw many more times haf i "upset" her w my decisions/words! & hw many more times she might haf felt bs w me or even complained to someone, using tt kind of words & makin me sound evil! Really cannot take it. Tsk! Bt well, yep! I'm reachin home! See hw things go luh! Bt she is definitely nt someone worth my time, concern & energy. I noe she has a condition, bt e amt of things she need is something i'm unable to provide. Period. & jus nw anqi they all talked bout e flu in china! Really worried bout our trip! If cannot go, most of e things cannot refund leh! Bt if really cannot go, maybe is destined! & might nt b a bad thing after all, w all e money & bushuang-ness tt has alr been initiated & e hoo-ha today! If we're a cohesive grp, gg today & creatin this memory will b so valuable & precious! Bt if there r ppl who r alr bs w one another, & all tt what's not... I tink dun try too hard!! Bt of coz, alr pay so much! Unless 逼不得已，i wun give up on this trip! Yep! Haiz.. Sian. Kheng. 16.04.13 really is 多说多错！yest my sis asked bout mahjong! Den i told her tt she v fierce wen she told doe tt she cannot play tt tile! Den she kept sayin she is jus like tt, den we talked louder & louder! Den my mum came out & gave me e v irritated look & told me to shh!! Den i super bs & bu xiang jiang le! So i went back room! & den my sis came out & continued tellin me "correct wat..." & explained hw to play mahjong in a way u wun lose money! Den i jus went "umm" She is nt wrong! She wants to teach us. She wants to help us minimise losses.. She is nt wrong! Bt this is called 得理不饶人！doesn't mean u are right u can b loud wat.. I mean if she wants an amicable r/s w others lah.. We aren't her students leh! & we aren't beggin her to teach us leh, she cannot like we play wrong cards den talk to us tt way mah! It's really v hurting if she doesn't realise! & she jus concluded tt our generation v sensitive, cannot take ppl's comments! Den nvm loh.. Maybe she bs i jus "umm" her.. Bt wat she expect? I alr tried to convince her of my view point alr.. I've also listened to her view.. Bt she is nt willin to accept mine mah. & still bring her point across so firmly.. She is nt wrong so i cannot correct her. Bt nt wrong doesn't = being right! & i dun wish to try anymore, so jus end e convo there loh! Wat else rite? She tinks we're petty, i tink she is too forceful. Maybe is jus diff pov, i also dunno why i tried so hard yest! I really jus wan her to nt b disliked by ppl! I mean it's a small issue, doe wun hate her for it! Bt her face really was yi ge black! & wen my sis jiang me, my face also ban ge black & doe knew it! Coz 2 wks ago, jie shot her again! So she noes hw it feels! Maybe is we sensitive bah, bt i believe msg can b brougt across properly! I admit scoldin helps! Coz after tt, i was super careful w playin my cards! Bt we r learnin! We're payin to learn! We alr lose money alr still need to bei4 ma4! Play till so unhappy play for wat? I mean really mah.. It's for fun! E losses r nt everythin tho i admit they can b quite heavy! Bt i tink my sis dun get my point! Bt it's ok! Coz it's jus diff pov! I jus feel like a bit awkward nw! Nothin maybe! Bt i feel tt it'll b like tt time gg to mdm chia's hs like tt, this will b a awkward topic! Den in future maybe she wun go up w me to dajie's hs or sth! I dunno lah! I mean my aim is nt to make ppl unhappy! I jus wan everyone to b happy, play mahjong, talk cock, have fun, learn sth, hopefully dun lose too much! Nt to become a mahjong expert tho i would love to improve myself a lot! Bt nw sian, dunno will b awkward or nt! & it's like if she dun go up in future, it's like all coz i talk too much! Dun like it wen i cause something. Sian! Bt dun care, dun say also say alr! & i was jus tryin to tell her my pov. I wasn't rude or anythin! If really become taboo btw us, den suan le loh! No choice also! I'm nt gg to apologise coz i really wan to tell her 得理要饶人, if i apologise or say anythin, den it's like i'm tellin her she is right, she can b loud. If become taboo den suan le loh! I do hope to learn mahjong frm her! I do hope to share w her e excitement & stuff, bt if i told her i won quite a few 5台 tt day, she will jus say "tai-co".. Dun say also nvm lah! Haiz.. Bt yep! Jus hope it wun b awkward! If taboo den suan le! Kheng. 19.04 Haiz.. A bit sian after takin back mental health paper! 72! I wun noe good or bad bt viv got 86 & jh got 76.. Jus a bit sian! I cannot contain my sian-ness! Haha! Wait & hear wat marian & pau got! Hehe! Bt i'm jus sian * I jus wonderin wat i'm lacking! I thot this paper really wasn't too bad alr! So a bit sian! & it is always bout relativity! Heh! I tink i'm jus nt too used to nt being an ace performer! :p hehe! Jus dun like e feelin where i can't say i'm good/smart! Cognitive dissonance nw huh? :p lol! & sian coz i wrote on imh! I noe it so well.. Haiz.. Experience din help at all! Nxt time mus ask kaiyi for help izzit? :p hahahah! Jokin! :p bt i tink i need to see viv's paper after exams! Dun like to threaten frens! So wun ask for it till exams end! Bt maybe by then heck alr! Bt cannot! Like tt i can nv get my A for SW mods!:p hee! Ltr den whine! Nw go back to studyin first! :) hehe! Kheng. Tweet. (21/04/13) i tink i get v easily offended recently wen ppl say i do something tt i nv do! Izzit coz of e aftermath of all e drama? Bt dunno leh! Jus v pek chek & aggitated like a little kid being v indignant! Rah!! Bt suan le! Dun wish to mention things! Small incidents, i'm sure i'll forget if i nv talk bout them! :p 25/04/13 - 0015 Actually really is all e self-censorship.. End up i always fail to post wat i really wan to post on fb! Scared offend ppl, scared make ppl worry, scared spread negative vibe, scared ppl judge me..... Lol!! Hahah! Really tink a lot! Bt i guess maybe it's good "unknowingly" - maybe it saves me a lot of trouble? :p heheh! Yeah! Nvm! Tink positive! Jus tink of gg for e trip & takin honours - interpersonal relationship gg to b such an issue alr! :/ haiyo! Bt actually i aren't prepared to nt go hongkong/taiwan! Bt taiwan has 1st confirmed case alr! :/ dunno will b ok wen we go or nt! Heh! I'll blog in depth again wen i get e chance & is still on these topics i guess! :) 28.04.13 Sian! I spent 2 days writing my social psych notes! & was waitin to revise today! & i nv bring them! Wat e hell!! Can study other things like my tut & first 6 lectures first actually! Bt really v sian! Spoilt all my plans! I'm so afraid i go home alr wun study! Tt's why i came sch still! Den in e end i still haf to go home & study! Really super upset! So scared i go home liao wun study! :( how? Den actually jus suan le! Can jus study still! Bt in e end, i see my lecture notes den i feel v upset! I v scared this will cost me my potential A! Haiz! Bt suan le lah! Tink so much also no use! Jus study loh! Maybe like tt i'll rmb my lectures 7-13 stuff better? :) yah! Cheer up kheng!! A! Kheng. 28.04.13, 2200hrs Dunno why recently so angsty! Jus nw my mum raised her voice at me & i shouted back at her! Literally shouted! Coz i was talkin to my sis. I jus came out frm e bathroom & was drippin my water onto e cloth den she screamed at me for my drippin water! & i jus shouted back "i drippin on e cloth loh, if nt wat u wan me frm me!" Really loud! Tink she got a shock & jus diam-ed! Den after tt my face changed & glanced at her den she said i din flick my hands dry in e bathroom first! Den i jus walked away! Wat does she wan? Cannot clean on shirt nt drip on e cloth loh! Flick also wun b completely dry de mah! Bt e angry part is why did she haf to shout! My shoutin back was instinct! Bt nw tt i tink of it, i noe she is jus loud by nature, i haf to say my shoutin back was nature too! I mean i tink i was v crude! For behaving this way, bt tt was instinct! & i dunno why i so angsty recently! Tt day dajie insisted i was pushin e shuttle instead of lifting, & pau insisted i was snacking & den tt day at lib wen she suan-ed me, & today wen my sis insisted on things, i got v angry! I dun understand why ppl dun understand me & they r so persistent & mean w their words(nt all of them though).. Bt can feel e pek chek-ness rising! Jus nw din even haf pekchek-ness, was jus ventilate out! I dun care! Usually i'll feel bad! Bt this incident i really dun tink i was at fault! It's nt deliberate provocation, jus instinctive response! Nt tt i'm proud of it, bt i really wasn't even aware to b able to control it! & to let my mum noe, nt born to b loud den win! U've to change if u dun wan to b shouted back at & if u dun wan to b a bad model for e ppl ard u! Nt tt i modeling after her bt dunno why jus nw response so big! Bt really was jus huey dua! Rahh!! Wat is wrong!! Haiz!! Jus so angsty & pek chek recently! Jus nw pen couldn't write on certain surface i jus hit it hard against e table! Rahh!!!!! Bt really v angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's nt as if my mood was terrible, bt is jus a sudden spark & i got so aggitated! Wat's wrong? & i'm still v bushuang nw! I demand an apology tho i noe i wun possibly hear tt apology! & i dun wan e apology! I wan my mum to noe "DON'T SHOUT AT PEOPLE!" It's coz her dominant response is shouting tt's why jus nw wen e water dripped on her, she jus shouted! Or maybe she thot i was pullin a trick on her tt's why she jus said in e "aiyo!", which is naturally loud tone! Dunno lah! Bt was really jus yi ge angsty! Damn it! Rahh!!! Actually i really need some enlightenment! Recently v sad, nt sad sad per say, bt jus feel a little bit hopeless! Like no one understands me! Nt say no one! I still haf a few hope/helplines haven't tap into yet, bt jus e "why can't i get my point across?!" & feel a little left alone! E uni clique grp is jus gettin me all confused & irritated actually! Bt coz of vested interests, cannot talk bout it anymore to any of them! Bt it's jus the "diaodiaodiao" plus "siansiansian" plus "off off off!" Rahhhh!! Feel like 喷火-ing! Rah!!! Haf i been primed w angry responses! Really dun understand why i screamed back so loudly jus nw! & really is jus angry response immediately leh! Wat's wrong ah? Rah!! Kheng. Tweet 29/04/13, 2241hrs the SS slides!! Rah!! 2 cannot change bg & e other 2 i din change coz would haf needed half my time to change e yellow font words to another font!! Coz my printer can't print "black & white" jiu hao! Nw make me feel so bad for wasting so much ink! After tmr e SS slides = no use! & i waste so much ink printing! >< & den e last set of notes dunno why damn small! Read till i damn xin ku! Rah!! Sibei angry again!! Wat's wrong?! Dun so 易怒 kheng! Hopefully tmr will b peaceful! If nt sian! Rahh!!!! Why e more i say e more angry i get ah? I thot writing diaries has e impact of chilling myself? Why why why?! RAH!!!!!!! Haiz.. Tweet Jus calculated! Realised i need to get tonnes of A- in my honours year & this sem in order to pull my CAP to a second upper! Hehe! Actually really v hard!! Bt i'll try? Heheheh! My last challenge for uni! & probably my education life also! :p

happy 18/03/13! :D

Hmmm.. tired from doing my reading! So shall blog here! It definitely takes up less cognitive energy! Hehehe. Plus I’m gg to blog about happy stuff! :D hehehe. Yeah! Working 5-10pm today! Supposed to b 4pm, bt I requested to come in later! Coz anw, they’ve enuff ppl, & I wanted to go e career fair! Nt coz I wanted to start sourcing for a job, bt coz wanted it to b like bonding activity w e other SW girls.. hehe. E place was small! & I was only interested in MOH! Really quite upset! Coz I realized tt e mid-term scholarship is for ILTC, I wan hospitals! At least for my first job! & I wan to work w mental health patients! Den e lady din tell me clearly! Coz maybe she thot I knew, den when I spoke to the other guy, then I realized what e scholarship entails….  so was really quite sad, coz I thot I can get $14000 off my uni fees, & then…… haiz.. really quite affected for quite some time, bt okay after tt! (: hehe. Yep! & this morn did SS ppt! :D hehe. Luckily I volunteered to go first! If not, I wun haf gotten e chance to present! & will b damn gek, coz prepared for it le, den in end haf to get postponed! & first ppt plus first wk, hopefully e tutor less strict, bt seriously, 5%.. tho I noe it can make a grade difference to my SS grade! :p hehe. Yeah! & tt’s done, & den tmr Social psych ppt, tmr shouldn’t b tough! & my mini hols start from there! :D hehehehe. Coz only left w this SS project, though heavy, bt tutorials no longer need to prep anymore & no more papers/tests… hehehe. So can fully focus! Plus no more working! After comin out to work part-time this sem, I understand how much time I actually can have normally! & should really study! :p hehehe. Tho is still zhi1 yi4 xing nan! :p hahahahahah. Yeah! E rest of this wk, all recre activities! :p tmr go ha ma hs see max, ah ma & eat ah ma’s home-cooked food! :D hehehe. & then thurs go eat buffet w pau! Fri go out to celebrate mat’s bdae, sat is jus work, everythin w fries w dabong, & then Marriott buffet at night! Sun is bmt, mahjong, dinner w SW girls & then pq’s concert! Hehehe. & then next wk can jus focus on my ss project! (: hehehe. Yep! :D & of coz e biggest happy thing I wan to talk about is yesterday’s kaiyi’s fb msg! :D heheheh. Totally brightened up my entire night!!!! :D hehehe.. I came out from e toilet &was getting ready to start my SS ppt slides.. really a long day & was pissed off a few times in e day! & e point was, TOTALLY din expect tt from kaiyi! Hahahaha. Totally random! It’s like after 9mths since we last spoke? Maybe not, 8 mths! E last time was in july! & nt as if any special occasion! Wondered if it’s SW-day! :p hahaha. So it’s totally a pleasant surprise! Hahahaha. She said she saw the other girl’s post! & I thot her angmoh v bad, coz I thot she referring to e other IMH girls.. bt I went to check, haven’t seen juju’s, bt I dun tink huiwen, mama or marian posted anything to remind her of me.. so I tink might be xue en’s post.. hahahaha. Coz she posted tt she was happy to see e forever positive and chirpy kheng twice in a day! So maybe kaiyi saw it & thot of just finding out hw I was doing? Hehehe. So I’ve to thank xue en I guess! :p Hehe. It came as a nice surprise coz all along, I have been wanting to jus text her & ask how she is.. after all, she is my sup, CNY say a bit of zhu fu is only polite loh.. & she influenced me quite a bit, e card write till like tt, den after tt jus totally lose contact like tt! :p hehehe. Bt I scared she tink I v weird, or siao ah? Suddenly fb her! Plus I wasn’t particularly close to her or anything! :p hehehe. Yep! So there were multiple times I wanted to jus tell her sth! :p hehehe. Like, wen I was tellin pau bout e scholarship last yr during one of our study sessions.. wanted to ask kaiyi for her opinion, coz she works in imh & she was my sup, so she might be able to give me a good assessment of whether I suit tt place or not, but is jus to talk to her! :p hehehe. & also wen I decided to take honours, coz she was the one who got me to reconsider my decision.. & also wen I took the medical mod, got an A+ & got B- for placement, wanted to tell her both! Hehe. Coz I tink for e medical mod, I did v well for e finals & I suspect is coz e finals had a qn on hw u would work w a lady client whom u suspect there is FV.. hehe. & we went thru a similar case of sort during my placement, so I already knew what were e right things to do! :p hehehhe. Yeah! & of coz wen I started taking mental health, & also wen I read e suicide article tt day, coz now, I noe why I should not allow client self-determination even if e client expresses intentions to die.. she did respond to my reflection point on wat I should do in such situations.. hehe. Bt she told me as long as I noe what is my professional responsibility.. hehe. Bt then, after readin e article, I understand tt it’s coz even wen clients express intentions to die, their situation might not really be a dead-end & we shouldn’t just give up so easily! Hehe. Yeah! & also of coz, wen we decided to go hk for our trip! Hahaha. Wanted to tell her & see if we can meet there! Hahaha. Coz saw xinyi they all gg to meet her, so envious! Hahahah. I really tink I like idolizing kaiyi like tt! Siao alr! :p hehehe. Bt anw, yeah! I din contact her at all! :p hehehe. There was another occasion, when I knew bout Fiona having a stroke! So much realisations & growth in me during those few days! & wanted to share w her & also sup (TYM), bt din contact both of them eventually! Dabong did encourage me to jus contact her! Maybe she is interested in maintainin contact w me also! Hahaha. Bt still din in e end! :p hehehe. WHICH made this initiative from her especially precious! :D hehehehe. Can see in all my replies tt I was truly happy & excited to receive her reply! Hahaha. Or maybe she will tink I’m just like tt usually! Which is true also look at e no of hahahah I use in this blog post! :p hehehhe! Yeah! Actually a bit irritating, coz there is a “haha’ or “hehe” after every sentence! :p bt those came from e bottom of my heart k! & I replied at first instance & jus rambled on & jus sent! Din even check whether I said anything inappropriate! :p hehehe. Yeah! & it was an enthu response from her also! Hahaha. Tried to be casual & talk! Hahaha. I mean me.. I jus threw away e sup-barrier! Heheh. & she replied v warm-ly also! So happy! I told dabong & pau immediately! Should go tell ancestor & bearbear too! Bearbear should be e one who understands my feeling e most! Heheheheh. Yeah! :D Yep! So it was totally a pleasant surprise tt totally made my day! & of coz will tink of those imh days! Hehehe. & I tweeted! Din realize mama & huiwen could see! I noe marian dun check tweets v often! Hehe. Din wan to be seen as flauntin! & din wan them to tink tt I’m so crazy bout my sup! :p hehehe. Yeah! Bt it’s ok! Coz they din say much, apparently! :p hehehe. Except tt mama asked me if I was serious bout kaiyi’s msg! Hehe. Yeah! Really happy yest! Of coz as I write, I’m happy! Hehe. She replied me & I replied her. She replied me again at 2300 I tink! Bt I alr was on my bed & there was no notification! So I replied her only this afternoon! Hehe. Maybe coz of e content, not as “warm” bt still haf smiley face! So v satisfied alr! Plus actually kaiyi is nt v IT-style I tink! At least not w fb? She hardly posts anything! Hehe. & her replies to whatever I did send her in email (mostly after I left & in response to e e-card she sent) were short & no smileys also! Hehehe. At least this time got “haha” hahahhahaha. Yeah! Excited! She said should be able to meet up wen we go HK! Hehe. Coz she comin back end of may to write her thesis! Dunno whether is she need some encouragement or nt! Hahaha. She made reference to me, sayin she is writing thesis jus like me! & told me to jiayou for schooling! So I told her e same !:D heheheh w loads of !! & smileys! :p hehehe. Yep! (: Yeah! So should b able to meet up! Previously pau asked if it was possible to organize a dinner time for her to haf dinner w her frens in hk den we sit ard to eat at same restaurant & then different tables! & I did tink of meetin kaiyi at tt time also! Bt of coz din tink of whether I was gg to do it or nt & wen to contact her & stuff! Scared ltr she yi dian dou bu xiang meet bt coz I asked, den paiseh to reject! ;p hehe. Bt also was tink-ing if dun request den she sees our hk pictures, then she gets e idea I so dao1, go there also dun meet up w her!;p hehee. & of coz It matters to me coz it’s not e truth totally! :p hehehe. Yeah! & this fb msg of coz changed things! Coz is she initiate, so most probably, she dun treat me as a EX-intern whom isn’t impt at all I guess? Hehehe. At least she bothered to fb msg me k! for whatever reason! & dabong nicely coined my feeling for me – the you bei xiang dao de gan jue! Hehehe. Yeah!! :D hehehe. Yep! So dunno! Maybe go there sit down & eat will be exactly like wat happened tt time! Wen I went back to collect my reflections for wk 9, jus e we smile SO awkwardly tt it’s like better off not meeting! :p hehehe. Yep! Bt I tink this time round I’ll talk more freely! Hehehe. & haf things to talk bout lah! Hahaha. & tho of coz hope it to be a gatherin between my sup & me only, w marian ard, it will definitely generate more topics! Heheheh. Nt tt I’m possessive, bt I like “individualized” memories more, similarly w sup (TYM), just tt nw perfectly okay w it being bongz + sup! (: hehe. Yeah! Bt okay lah, shalln’t behave like hw I did on my last day! :S hehehe. Tt was totally terrible! & a bad closure! Tink marian might suggest nt joinin also, coz I tink she might noe something coz my face was really yi ge black! Hahaha. Even tho I din say, maybe she would have inferred sth? :p hehehe. Bt nvm bout tt embarrassing behavior! So terrible of me! Hehehe. Yeah! As long as can see kaiyi will be a more glad than anything! Hehehe. Will b happy! & will b a ++ to my grad trip! :D hehe. Bt shalln’t try too hard, coz my theory goes “ things tt I pray too hard to have, usually end up disappointing me!” hehehe. Yep! Maybe kaiyi wun b free, maybe we wun b able to squeeze out a meal to meet her.. & no point making 6 other ppl upset if I insist for my own selfish reasons & make e remaining 14days of trip a terrible one! Hehe. Must prioritise! Hehehe. & grad trip is once in a lifetime, w kaiyi, maybe in future got chance? Even if dun haf…. Hahaha. I guess I should prioritize these 6 other ppl over her & their memories above mine? Hehehe. Yep!  I believe I’ll b sensible enuff to not insist things go my way bt I hope I will b able to control myself if things dun turn out e way I hope them to be & behave appropriately! :D hehehe. Yep! Hahah. Kk.. time to stop blogging, tho I dunno wat else I can do in this remaining 15mins! :p hehehe. Yeah! :D Kheng. 2134hrs.