13/10/12
12.52: i need to learn hw to meditate & chill myself! Arghh!

1725 finally finished my disgusting day! Felt super not motivated this morn to go for tuition! 70% to 90% urge of cancellin e tuition w my p1 kid liao! Bt went! Was poutin non stop! Felt better after tuition! Bt wen i was waitin for bus to go to teban's, got pissed off by e waitin time again! It's half an hour!!! Den after tuition rushed to mdm chia's hs.. Bt finished tuitions & e interview! Nice sharin frm mdm chia! Some learning!!! :D & food for thought! Hehe! & nw gg home! Finally ended disgustin day! Nothin really taxing or stressful or turnin me off! Jus felt super irritable & pouty! Bt it's over! Nw otw home! Ltr go play bmt! Whack!! Hahaha! Den celebrate gege's bdae! Can stay till late night liao! Coz tmr no more discussion! & bro nt bringing girlgirl back! & there's extension of deadline for wk 8's bet between pau & i! So gg to wreck havoc tmr! :p hehehe! Yep! :D

17/10
1132: omg! Tink i recently v easily pissed! :/ jus nw i jus said in e grp chat tt venue nt confirmed yet coz still sourcing, den baby asked me again! I got real pissed so i jus spammed "!!!!" Like nt v nice! Feel a little bit bad nw, bt is really coz cannot stand it liao! It's like tt time also! Dunno who did e same thing! It's like it's stated above, bt ppl dun read & keep askin! I get v pissed by such stuff! Regardless of who's askin who a favour bah? & in this case, it's nt tt i need a favour! I'm jus tryin to make things easier for them! Of coz if the 3 of them din even agree to help out, i might haf prob findin ppl coz is projects period nw.. Bt aiyah.. It's nt baby's fault! Jus tt she triggered me! Wan to post on twitter bt ltr she tinks i'm referrin explicitely to her jiu jiatlat!

Yeah! & most prob got affected in class bah! Like fiona spoke up! Actually w great confidence leh! Bt i felt awkward! & w e class of ppl who made me feel tt they spoke for e sake of speakin! I felt quite disturbed! I dun wan to behave desperate! It's like i noe i shld! For my grades! Bt i felt uncomfortable! It's like e 犀利人妻 sui tang who gave up plans to fight back her husband coz she felt tt tt was v not her.. Yeah! Neither grades or forcin myself to speak up nw is gg to affect me a lot in e future! Bt i jus gave up! I dun like e me who tries so hard to speak! :/ disgustin leh! Unless i speak coz of "conviction"? Yeah!

Bt anw! Yep! I did quite ok i suppose? I got 89! E lecturer said v good! Bt he kinda praised most ppl! Fiona did quite badly! 69! I tink it's like v bad tho e raw score wasn't! Coz i heard e ppl behind me talkin bout hw e average is v high! Yeah! :/ bt it's ok lah! I heard bout e term paper.. I tink i wun do well also! So.. Hmm.. B? Or B- for this mod? Hahahah! Jiatlat! Regrets? Nt really! Jus nw durin class i was already comfortin myself! It's e process! I enjoy! Tt's more impt than anythin else! & i learnt things! Other than tb knowledge! :D yep! :)) k lah! :) cheers! :)

Bt recently really more touchy! V easily will get pissed off! Or affected! There's tonnes of things tt'll trigger me now! :/ haiyo! Feel like gg for a "break"! Like go to seaside/bike ride/west coast web thingy. Bt seems like time is nt on my side! Nw is mus gaodim e hist paper!! :/ die! :/ feel quite intimidated! :/

Bt yep!! Tink i need to find out e source of my frustration? :/ hmm! Sleep? Lack of control? Over? Frens? Time? Results? Wat is it? I dunno leh! Things r quite ok recently leh! :/ hmm!!! Bt yah.. Watever! :(

18/10/12
2236: wah! Really v angsty recently! So aggitated! Play games play till super gek! Den my tutee askin me kiampah qn! Wah biang!! Why m i so aggitated?! Chillax girl!

23/10/12
1931: really quite upset! Bt tink i shalln't blog bout it! I'm at partial fault too! So shall nt whine! Bt recently jus on this easily-triggered mode! Feel like rantin! Bt shalln't! I'm sure i can make it!

1942: i jus went on fb! Saw mdm chia's posts on her students essays, i really giggled out! :p hahaha! Actually i'm upset! Upset w pau! Upset w viv! As much as i noe, they aren't at fault, i'm still upset! As much as i noe i'm easily affected & petty, i'm still upset! As much as i noe it's useless bein upset, i'm still upset!

I was upset coz i reserved e space for bong, tinkin tt after these 2 wks we could sit tgt! Haha! Isn't it e aim of takin e mod tgt? If nt i choose tues for wat? & i used my laptop to reserve e seat, behave like so anti-social, & she came in & sat at e back. Alone! Goodness! I really was upset! Bt i tink she thot i wasn't feelin well or stressed! Both wrong. Bt i didn't explain of coz! Tell ppl i petty meh? Yeah! Jus v conscious of my image, & hates it wen i conceive it as being affected! Yep! Bt tutor was funny! I kinda jus let it go! Suan4 le! Bt i really was still upset, so i couldn't bring myself to b completely ok! I try of coz! To pretend! I noe tmr i'll b fine, i'm jus nt fine today! Yep! I dun wan to regret tmr! Bt i cannot let go totally! So i acted tt way!

& w pau, i was upset coz i felt unappreciated! It's nt as if i've nth to do u noe! I sat there to discuss tgt! I noe it's my project also, bt in a sense, it's nt as if i discuss w pau today, i dun haf to do other parts! She was e one who wrote, bt i sat here thinkin also leh! Nobody's gg to recognise tt! I dun mind contributin more! Plus i tink e remainin work shldn't be too tough! It's jus like 晴天霹雳 wen pau said tt if we wan to change idea, i write. She's not gg to do it! I noe rite, u write till so cham, den ppl say change idea, den change! & i had to say it wen e story was done & we were both tired! Bt she is definitely e better writer! I'm nt sayin she mus write! Bt it's like she jus said like it's none of her business! Den is it my fault? I didn't sit there for 4hours izzit? Maybe she dun mean tt! Bt tt's all tt came to my mind! Totally unappreciated! I knew this would happen, tt's why i didn't wan to blog! Bt jus nw wen i saw pau's "hahahahah" reply & i totally din wan to follow up, i knew i was upset! Bt it's like disenfrenchised upsetness! Coz i noe pau dun mean it, i noe it's my prob, i cannot take it, bt this doesn't deny tt i'm upset! Yep! So i came to blog! Bt i tink it's good bah! Stress relief! I dun tink i'm really stressed! I'm jus in denial! Hahaha! So i'm copin rather well! I'm jus v easily aggitated recently! Anythin & everythin! Anyone & everyone! Yep!

Sth is jus wrong recently! Wat is it? I jus can't identify it! Wat caused e change? Haiyo!

Yep! Bt i noe lah! Pau dun mean it! I noe she is stressed! & i noe i definitely am takin e projects part better! & indeed, mine isn't as stressful! Heh! Yep!

I really tink this small incident warrants my tears, & it really din affect me a lot! I jus wanted to rant! Bt certain key words jus trigger me! Well! Tmr cannot pon! Got 2 project discussions! & is miss ho's last medical lecture! I'll go! I'll survive anyway!

Yep! I'm gg home, eat & watch 大长今! & do medical project! :) yep!

I noe i'm petty, bt this doesn't mean tt my upsetness is any lesser! Jus like hw ppl's worries might b unfounded, bt it doesn't make their worries unfounded!

Maybe i shldn't haf seen it as i was helpin pau jus nw bah!! It's my project also! Bt really mah, jus coz i helped w e writin of e 1st story doesn't mean i need nt do e other stuff leh, fair meh? I'm actually ok w doin extra! Bt i tink i need ppl to noe tt i'm doin extra! They need nt praise me, as long as they noe! I'm jus a calculative freak!

Hw long do i need to take to understand tt nobody's perfect, so aren't i! Hw long do i need to take to reconcile tt fact w myself?

Jus feel like really tiring myself out, & concus! Like go for a 10km run! Or jus cry & cry & cry till i dehydrate myself! Or jus blastin music till i find solace! Rahhh!

Ok lah! Enuff rantin!

23.02: reminded of e nite where i sat w dabong & dashen in e living room, watchin youtube videos, listenin to songs! Those were e times! Pei-ing dabong to 疗情伤! Tho nxt day was hell, tt nite was really kinda memorable nw tt i'm watchin e videos on my phone! Haha!

Yep! Listenin to liang jing ru's songs! Coz she's really a 疗伤系歌手! Jus love listenin to her songs! Tho i'm quite ok after e bath & drama, jus feel tt i seem to haf lost sth! I noe it's nt true, bt it's jus a feelin! So 真实! I'm jus waitin for nxt mon to come! So tt i can do sth i wan to do! Bt maybe wen tt day come, i wun do also! :p lazy! :p bt yep! Jus waitin for mon to b over! Bt aiyo! Jus a paper, make myself so tensed up for wat? Hahah! 要及时享乐! Bt yep! Work still mus do! Hahaha!! Ok! Go listen to one more song! Den sleep liao! :)

23.08: actually, i jus wan to tell someone, "我不开心！＂nt tt i'm depressed or anythin, bt jus hopin for someone who can understand me, who can listen to me! Actually this is really not a wish tt can b easily fulfilled! Maybe all along, i'm searchin for this person! I'm always easily upset over e smallest things becoz each time tt small thing happens, it jus means tt e person whom i thot could fulfill my wish is no longer able to! Haiz! At this current moment, i'm really not happy! Haiyo, tears flowed again! Coz i tink i mean it, 我找不到我心目中的理想对象! 不是男朋友，只是一个家人／一位知己！可我找不到！
Wen i'm awake nxt morn, i'll realise tt this person cannot exist, coz no one can noe another person in totality, & it'll b scary for me too, coz e person noes me too well, bt it doesn't mean tt i give up hope tt i can find this perfect person who can fulfill all e criteria & be someone who doesn't threaten me, makes me feel uncomfortable, bt i guess, it's jus impossible in this world! & if it's possible, it might most prob b scary! So actually, 空即是色，色即是空, rite? Hahahahah!

While waiting

Hmm.. At tuition nw, waitin for gerald to finish his bf.. Hmm. Yest was en en's full mth celebrations! Enjoyed myself bt also had loads of thots & reflection! Because 人多口杂! Bt i'm more sensitive to remarka! Bt still enjoyable! :D

Tired nw! Coz of chionging e bet i had w pau! Hahaha! Bt will jiayou! Tmr after test, come home & sleep! Hahahah! Yawns!

Yep! Hopin i can complete my challenge! :D go kheng! :D

:)

Excitement!

Feelin this excitement! To do sth bout my life! Hehe! Today went to study w pau, & told her my deliberation of takin up a scholarship w MOH! V much coz olivia frm sgh made me realise hw interested i'm in becomin a MSW! Hehe! Den yest's satisfaction tt came frm spendin my time so meaningfully made me wan to do sth! Den jus nw talked to pau bout internship experience! Always sharin e same old things bt e 2 of us jus reminicise! & i guess i really do wan to become a MSW! & hahaha! Awesome! Den jus nw otw back, couldn't do my readin coz was super squashed up in my seat! So i went to google bout e scholarship! Hahaha! & happened to b talkin to norine! & told her bout it! & discussed w nelle, she din object which i thot she might! Hehe! Tink i'll proceed to do it! Den i'll tell my mum if plans do get confirmed? Felt like tellin her jus nw bt din in e end! Hhheehe! Coz no opportunity! & realised dun tell her also good, in case i dun get it! Den false hope! Hehehe!

Yep! & thot of kaiyi again of coz! Was thinkin i'll seek her opinions on takin e scholarship! Bt i tink actually my concern is more of wat she tinks bout me gg to imh! Heheh! Seriously seriously considerin polyclinic! Pau told me nt to coz of e infancy of msw in polyclinics! I'm worried bout supervision too! Hehehe! Bt there might b good workers there? & if department small, can foster better workin r/s also! Hehe! & can haf a try at a mix of community & hospital work(as olivia said)! Heheh! Bt i really dunno wat is in it for me! Hehehe! Yeah!
Bt worried bout imh's culture & my fit in it also leh! Hehee!

Jus nw happened to b lookin at my photos after doin readings conscientiously for e day! Saw e photos of imh! & went to read thru all e comments kaiyi wrote on my supervision log & evaluation form! Hahahah! Those were e days! E kaiyi tt i was familiar w came back! Tt was e kaiyi i knew, nt entirely nice (w her comments - she's nt mean bt jus direct, bt nt mean lah)! Hehe! Nt so much tt she is evil, bt more of like i found back e mixed feelings i haf towards her - fear, respect & liking all tgt! Hehhe! Yep!

Bt come to tink of it! Her influence on me has really been great! Norine made e comment after i told her why i'm considerin scholarship, "imh's influence on u is really great!" yep! & tt's if she hasn't realised frm hw i could tear even after internship has ended for 2 mths, upon talkin bout my confidence issue! Heheheh!

Yeah! & was readin my excited whatsapp messages to pingping after i conquered e west coast's web! Hehehe! Kaiyi is always e one to shake my thots - eg, takin honours! Bt her impact isn't enuff to make tt substantial decision - it's other ppl like pau who will journey w me, esther who gave me e confirmatory advice tt i eventually decided upon it! For e web thingy, coz of her encouragement, i tried! Bt it's coz of Jean's continuous encouragement tt i did it eventually! Bt e fact tt i even consider anythin, it's coz of kaiyi! Hahahah! Yep! Haven't really blogged for ages! & also nv mention her name for ages liao! Heheheh! Yeah! Jus like hw she supervised me to make me sure i can enter social work, it might b some other peers/supervisor who will eventually groom me into a good worker! Yep! Kaiyi isn't all mighty, bt her influence on me is definitely nt to be minimised! Hehehe! Yep!

( feel like climbin e web again nw! Hahahah!)

& found back e motivation to do sth w my life tt was burnin after placement ended! & as i talked to pau, found it back, burning! Hehehe! Partly coz i tink pau will b journeyin w me? :) & i seem to see this little tinge of admiration in pau as she heard me say i wan to go for internship durin nxt june hols! & hw i stood by my intention to do internship even as she challenged me! Hehe! Challenge as in e social work challenge w e kind intention! Yep! & also wen i said i really enjoyed work at imh! Hehehe! Yep! :)

& we're havin our bet again this wk! I'm determined nt to lose again!!! :D heheheh! Yep!

K! Enuff burning passion! Heheh! Time to sleep! & continue burning thru out e sem! :D time to shine, kheng! (Even not academically,) in terms of character at least! *winks*

kheng:D