New story to tell! Cayden is proposing to dashen! Hahaha! Thru a v indirect way.. Tho it is pretty obvious! & was saw by me thru e fb post! & of coz i went to tell chongchong & bongz! & this buttock-itchy side of me went to ask her!
& coz of manners, i replied her tellin jer "jiayou" w smiley face in handlin e prob! Haha! She tink i really support her! She said my "jiayou" v impt to her! Goodness! She really haven't wake up! & she said she wan to talk to me! Bt i jus told her v directly, i'm nt gg to say things she will wan to hear. She asked me back wat do i tink she wan to hear! Lol! Of coz i wun ans such qn! I'm nt e one who requires probing nw! I've gone thru enuff struggles! & haf given up liao!
Bt meet jiu meet! Nw is she request de! Bt i dun wan meet her tmr! I only wan to go & see my sup, chong2 & wyh & seniors! & happily meet fann, meet my dear tong & go for tuition! In between work super hard for my paper & feel proud of myself!
Bt yep!
& dabong saw e smileys in my replies to dashen! She v happily said "ur :) r back!" i jus told her v blatantly "i polite only leh.. Dun b too happy!"
Hmm. Maybe tt is gg to 引爆 another line of things! Maybe my :) to her also out of politeness? Oops! If it's e me in e past, i will b v troubled la.. Bt nw.. Heck liao!
My only bottomline is my emotions cannot hurt ppl! Tho i tink today i wasn't v "norm" also!
I will jus admit! I change! I tink a lot! & i can't stay firm in face of challenges!
I might get karma in future. I will get karma most prob perhaps? Bt.. Tt's jus it! I've to face e real me! Bt i'm nt an idiot tryin to go ard & hurt ppl! I'm tryin to minimise e impact! Jus tt i still wan to b true to myself! Haiz.. Bt maybe i shldn't set barriers! Things can b overcome de rite?
Hmm.. & dashen is spammin me w msg! Meet meet lo! Wait for me to finish bloggin la.. Aiyo..
I'm nt tryin to make myself like some famous person where e whole world wants my attention, friendship & meet-up! Bt i reserve e right to face my true emotions rite?
Anw.. I was sayin.. Yep! I'm nt broodin! I dun wan to waste my time anymore! Yep! I only wish to say, i dun wish to hurt anyone, except dashen whom i wun deliberately hurt her also, jus tt i wun try to b nice/say all e nicest things on earth to her! Yep!
Karma if they shld come, let them come ba! I'm nt a super nice person anyway! I shld jus go thru wat i deserve!
Kheng.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Haiz
Haiz.. Jiatlat! All e negative energy is back again! :/ haiz! I need some energizer! I tink i need to take a break frm everythin! Sick of everythin! :/ m i really undergoin periodic depression! If it's, i will b happier! At least i noe it's temp & wun stay for long!
Short post
Got quite pissed w wat dabongz said jus nw! Bt i guessed i've no right to b angry coz i really not up to bein able to "set a role model"! Maybe she was jokin! Br this shows tt she doesn't understand me well enuff to understand e context behind wat i was sayin...
Ok well.. Tt day i stopped here! Tt was friday after part time work..
Yep! After mayday's concert, so much "realisations" yeah! I wan to work hard nw! Hehe! & frm there, e realisation is i shld spend less time thinkin bout who likes me, who hates me, who is my best fren, why she dun understand me, why i like no best fren, is she my best fren, shld i tell her this or not... Jus told myself to channel my energy towards more "productive" stuff like thinkin bout my assn... As in really, wen i brood over such stuff, i really dun spend my time as productively.. Hehe!
So it's maturation for me? Tt i m nt spendin time thinkin of such issues? :) hehe! Maybe as a result of thinkin bout such issues, i will put in less effort to maintain friendships coz if one is hostile, i will jus let it be! I wun clarify, wun brood, wun worry & wun do anythin.. Hehe! Bt well. Jus let things be! As long as 我对人的初衷没变就行了，不是吗？
Dabongz jus asked if i was ok! Asked if she did anythin to piss me off.. Haha! Was i not okay? Haha! Today my mood quite good ah! Haha!
She pissed me off, yes, last friday! Bt now i m ok! Hehe! Maybe she scared i angry so wen i apologised to her on fri to ignore me coz i bad mood, she typed "np" & to me, tt is a nt v positive reply, so i jus left it there. Hehe! Recently i've been gettin such messages & no replies.. Bt i din say coz i tink i aren't ready to say it out. Hee! Tho i was feelin quite a bit f anger..
Hehe.. Bt sat wen she opened e channel for me to say if she was e cause of my anger & i couldn't say it out, i jus told myself to face e fact tt we aren't actually such good frens tt we can 无所不谈! I've my own 芥蒂 like i dunno if she dislikes me.. Hehe! I actually could haf such feelings! Like on e friday wen we visited her durin her mum's funeral.. Wen i can't sense absoluteness, i wun say!
Yep. So i'm lettin it past! & i aren't gg to tink bout it anymore & hopefully dun brood bout such stuff anymore..
Yep! Jus nw i really ok ah.. I wan to talk bout dashen bt wat's e point of sayin more? I dunno hw to tell dabongz tt i'm no longer angry w dashen, it's jus tt i dun love her lo.. Wen she gives me reactions tt is like "omg! Why u haf such feelings?" wen i say tt i feel disgusted wen i tink of dashen & cayden... Why will i wan to say more?
Actually i dun expect her to believe me.. Coz i noe it isn't tt easy.. Bt i really 放下-ed.. It's jus tt things will nv b e same as e past! Dashen is jus a fren to me nw!
Bt yep! After esther's incident, i dun trust human nature anymore! Coz i'm e one who was swayed by public opinion & e one who is betrayin nw! So hw can i still say tt i deserve to be doted upon & loved when i'm e one who is betrayin? Yep! Might sound a little extreme, bt this is really hw human nature is! So cruel & evil! As much as i dun wan to betray, i couldn't quite really conquer my heart & do it! Yep! Might nt b my intentions, bt i did it!
Yep! Bt e world isn't really tt dark to me! I still believe in human nature, love, etc! Jus tt i wun b so naive & think tt everyone loves everyone else! Hehe!
Yep! This is my karma - seein e harsh reality - for being someone like this! Heh!
Bt i really am okay!
Jus nw it was dabongz who was usin her phone so i jus walked alongside lo! I wanted to talk bout my bdae bt it's like i'm harpin on e same issue over & over again, so i jus kept quiet lo! & i smiled at her bt she gave me e "why r u starin at me" look so i looked away lo! Den become i m nt feelin okay? Hmm..
Bt really la.. I jus feel like i've lost "touch" w dabongz! Maybe coz fri i was really angry & on sat wen i realised "无所不谈" is jus an illusion i created for myself! I was startin to retract!
Yep! Irony! E very people whom made me believe tt time wasn't a determining factor of hw strong a r/s was.... became e ppl i'm usin to refute e claim! :/
Is tt karma for treatin them better than any other frens who've been w me for years?
Bt anw, even them, i've once let go of them! I wun cling on to them nw tt things r changin again! I will jus hold close to wat i've! & nt place my anchor anywhere anymore! Coz it's nt fair to anyone! Yep! I jus need to noe tt i'm floatin in the sea w these ppl as islands ard me! If i choose to swim onshore, these ppl will nv give up on me! Jus tt nw i'm too ashamed to b anchoring on any of them! Hehe!
Yep! & nw to realise my "第二人生", i'm gg to do my readings! :D hehehe!
Kheng.
Ok well.. Tt day i stopped here! Tt was friday after part time work..
Yep! After mayday's concert, so much "realisations" yeah! I wan to work hard nw! Hehe! & frm there, e realisation is i shld spend less time thinkin bout who likes me, who hates me, who is my best fren, why she dun understand me, why i like no best fren, is she my best fren, shld i tell her this or not... Jus told myself to channel my energy towards more "productive" stuff like thinkin bout my assn... As in really, wen i brood over such stuff, i really dun spend my time as productively.. Hehe!
So it's maturation for me? Tt i m nt spendin time thinkin of such issues? :) hehe! Maybe as a result of thinkin bout such issues, i will put in less effort to maintain friendships coz if one is hostile, i will jus let it be! I wun clarify, wun brood, wun worry & wun do anythin.. Hehe! Bt well. Jus let things be! As long as 我对人的初衷没变就行了，不是吗？
Dabongz jus asked if i was ok! Asked if she did anythin to piss me off.. Haha! Was i not okay? Haha! Today my mood quite good ah! Haha!
She pissed me off, yes, last friday! Bt now i m ok! Hehe! Maybe she scared i angry so wen i apologised to her on fri to ignore me coz i bad mood, she typed "np" & to me, tt is a nt v positive reply, so i jus left it there. Hehe! Recently i've been gettin such messages & no replies.. Bt i din say coz i tink i aren't ready to say it out. Hee! Tho i was feelin quite a bit f anger..
Hehe.. Bt sat wen she opened e channel for me to say if she was e cause of my anger & i couldn't say it out, i jus told myself to face e fact tt we aren't actually such good frens tt we can 无所不谈! I've my own 芥蒂 like i dunno if she dislikes me.. Hehe! I actually could haf such feelings! Like on e friday wen we visited her durin her mum's funeral.. Wen i can't sense absoluteness, i wun say!
Yep. So i'm lettin it past! & i aren't gg to tink bout it anymore & hopefully dun brood bout such stuff anymore..
Yep! Jus nw i really ok ah.. I wan to talk bout dashen bt wat's e point of sayin more? I dunno hw to tell dabongz tt i'm no longer angry w dashen, it's jus tt i dun love her lo.. Wen she gives me reactions tt is like "omg! Why u haf such feelings?" wen i say tt i feel disgusted wen i tink of dashen & cayden... Why will i wan to say more?
Actually i dun expect her to believe me.. Coz i noe it isn't tt easy.. Bt i really 放下-ed.. It's jus tt things will nv b e same as e past! Dashen is jus a fren to me nw!
Bt yep! After esther's incident, i dun trust human nature anymore! Coz i'm e one who was swayed by public opinion & e one who is betrayin nw! So hw can i still say tt i deserve to be doted upon & loved when i'm e one who is betrayin? Yep! Might sound a little extreme, bt this is really hw human nature is! So cruel & evil! As much as i dun wan to betray, i couldn't quite really conquer my heart & do it! Yep! Might nt b my intentions, bt i did it!
Yep! Bt e world isn't really tt dark to me! I still believe in human nature, love, etc! Jus tt i wun b so naive & think tt everyone loves everyone else! Hehe!
Yep! This is my karma - seein e harsh reality - for being someone like this! Heh!
Bt i really am okay!
Jus nw it was dabongz who was usin her phone so i jus walked alongside lo! I wanted to talk bout my bdae bt it's like i'm harpin on e same issue over & over again, so i jus kept quiet lo! & i smiled at her bt she gave me e "why r u starin at me" look so i looked away lo! Den become i m nt feelin okay? Hmm..
Bt really la.. I jus feel like i've lost "touch" w dabongz! Maybe coz fri i was really angry & on sat wen i realised "无所不谈" is jus an illusion i created for myself! I was startin to retract!
Yep! Irony! E very people whom made me believe tt time wasn't a determining factor of hw strong a r/s was.... became e ppl i'm usin to refute e claim! :/
Is tt karma for treatin them better than any other frens who've been w me for years?
Bt anw, even them, i've once let go of them! I wun cling on to them nw tt things r changin again! I will jus hold close to wat i've! & nt place my anchor anywhere anymore! Coz it's nt fair to anyone! Yep! I jus need to noe tt i'm floatin in the sea w these ppl as islands ard me! If i choose to swim onshore, these ppl will nv give up on me! Jus tt nw i'm too ashamed to b anchoring on any of them! Hehe!
Yep! & nw to realise my "第二人生", i'm gg to do my readings! :D hehehe!
Kheng.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Damn!
Fuck! My temper recently really v bad! I'm v hostile! Jus nw dropped my orange pen! Den 1min later drop again! First drop i was damn pekchek alr! Den drop 2nd time! First time still got ink! Nw no more!
FUCK! My temper recently really v bad! V easily pek chek/angry! Wat happened?! F-U-C-K!
& it is pek chek till wan to cry kind! Wat happened?
No wonder i was so lookin forward to mayday's concert to vent my frustration!
Fuck!
Fuck
Fuck!
Nv been this vulgar b4!
I wan to cry! Wat's wrong?!?!?!?!?!?!??
FUCK! My temper recently really v bad! V easily pek chek/angry! Wat happened?! F-U-C-K!
& it is pek chek till wan to cry kind! Wat happened?
No wonder i was so lookin forward to mayday's concert to vent my frustration!
Fuck!
Fuck
Fuck!
Nv been this vulgar b4!
I wan to cry! Wat's wrong?!?!?!?!?!?!??
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Best concert! :D
Heheh! Jus had one of my best concerts! Or rather, it was e best concert i've had! :D hehe!
High thru-out! Hehe! Even wen singin 抒情 songs! Haha! & plus we were so near to e stage!! Even tho it was back view! Bt really close!!!! 😍😍😍
Heheh! Yep! :D
& luckily had e energy! Hehe! Jumped almost thru-out for 终结孤单，第一天，离开地球表面 & 轧车! Heheh! So happy wen he sang ga qia durin encore! :D heheh!
Oops! Suddenly feel bad nv ask my cousin along! Hehe! It's a diff feelin wen u go thru all e concerts tgt! :D hehe! Bt she really no money, it's for her own good!
Hehe! Yep! & of coz e company was awesome! Tho at first i was super worried tt 2 ppl v 孤单！heheh! & my sis say only lo, wat mus care bout image! Also scream like nobody's business!
Hehe! Luckily in front ppl nv stand! We were at 2nd row, so view perfect! Heheh! & we kinda 感化-ed e girl nxt to me! Coz nelle & i kept screamin! Hehehe!
This time round i also 全部豁出去！i tink maybe grow a bit older le, so haf more "烦恼" to dump away! Recently dashen & ginny's incidents really burdened me a lot! & a lot of emotional "upheavals"(jus felt like usin this word tho it dun really fit! :P)! Had difficulty controllin my emotions! So jus nw really felt super good durin all e screamin & 发泄-ing! Hehehe!
Yep! Was tellin nelle it's like a cult! & for me, really like wat others say, it's like takin u out of ur real life & let u relax! Hehehe! I really felt it leh! Givin myself too much unnecessary pressure by givin too much to friendships & den thinkin a lot wen things happen & unable to manage it all! Yep! & kinda feel lost coz 前程不是一片光明！yep!
& also coz high songs it will b v noisy! So can scream & 走音 also no prob!! :D hehehe! Yep! :D so really screamed! Esp durin e songs i mentioned above where i was jumpin & high-ing! Hehe! Really shiok!
Yep! E songs also 发人深省！esp e 第二人生， gong lang... All songs which talk bout (perhaps theirs?) struggles to succeed in life! E repeated theme was not bein afraid of failin! Perhaps coz they haf success nw, tt's why they say so? Or izzit really ok to fail? As long as u've tried? & 第二人生! Really describes me! Wan success bt nt doin anythin! Jus go out den tink of endin e stuff tt i'm doin, be it studyin, givin tuition... Not resilient enuff to b overcomin challenges! Wan e easy way out & want to b successful, tt's e prob! Felt all these wen i heard e song alr! Jus tt jus nw wen e music is so loud & I'm singin it too...... 石头 said jus nw, hopin we will walk out of e concert hall & begin our 第二人生！can I? Work hard for things & be unafraid of failin? Dun b lazy? Hehe! Hopefully e concert really will haf an effect on me! Hehe! We will see tmr! Hehehe!
Yep! Bt e $150 really worth it! Tho some songs unfamiliar, bt could move w e rythem(??) & i really sang, jumped, screamed & high-ed! Hehe! & 2 ppl also got benefit! We jus stand & sit by coordinatin w each other! & partly coz at e beginnin jie did ask e ppl behind if they were ok w us standin! Hehe! & they said ok, so more relieved wen standin! Hehe! & totally wanted for more! Luckily afternoon had enuff sleep! :D hehehe!
It's really good, splendid, awesome! :D if only ancestor & chongchong could come as well! Heheheh!
Yep! & gor, da sao & dajie, jiefu! Hehe!
Yep! My dashen + chongchong dream was shattered alr! Plus ancestor & gor they all couldn't join! Hehe!
Yep! It was still DAMN NICE! Omg! Mayday rocks totally!!! <3 <3 <3
Hehe! This is one concert which i wun mind gg again totally! AWESOME!!! Hehehe!
Yay! Thanks to nelle who insisted on gg! Hw could i've given up on e idea of goin in e first place?! Goodness! Hehe! Was it tt reason? Hehe! Hmm. Nt gg to say bt watever it is, no next time! Hehe! Only e open air DNA i dun regret missin it! Coz i watched in once in singapore & almost e same in taiwan alr! Heeh! This time maybe it's esp nice also coz they sang a lot of new songs & e really best old songs! Hehe! Tho they din sing zhi ming yu chun jiao! Hehe! Bt really awesome! :D hehe!
Yay! I'm gg to bed w e best memories frm e concert! Hehe! Hopefully i can apply e "learning" frm e concert! Hehe!
& yep! I will try to "minimise" all my emotional "problems" & worries! Hehe! I wan to b back to e happier & carefree kheng i was jus a few months ago? Why do i feel tt recently i 上-ed many 人生宝贵的课 so much so tt i've aged & no longer as happy? :( hehe! Hmm. Jiayou k kheng! Heheh!
I LOVE MAYDAY! <3
High thru-out! Hehe! Even wen singin 抒情 songs! Haha! & plus we were so near to e stage!! Even tho it was back view! Bt really close!!!! 😍😍😍
Heheh! Yep! :D
& luckily had e energy! Hehe! Jumped almost thru-out for 终结孤单，第一天，离开地球表面 & 轧车! Heheh! So happy wen he sang ga qia durin encore! :D heheh!
Oops! Suddenly feel bad nv ask my cousin along! Hehe! It's a diff feelin wen u go thru all e concerts tgt! :D hehe! Bt she really no money, it's for her own good!
Hehe! Yep! & of coz e company was awesome! Tho at first i was super worried tt 2 ppl v 孤单！heheh! & my sis say only lo, wat mus care bout image! Also scream like nobody's business!
Hehe! Luckily in front ppl nv stand! We were at 2nd row, so view perfect! Heheh! & we kinda 感化-ed e girl nxt to me! Coz nelle & i kept screamin! Hehehe!
This time round i also 全部豁出去！i tink maybe grow a bit older le, so haf more "烦恼" to dump away! Recently dashen & ginny's incidents really burdened me a lot! & a lot of emotional "upheavals"(jus felt like usin this word tho it dun really fit! :P)! Had difficulty controllin my emotions! So jus nw really felt super good durin all e screamin & 发泄-ing! Hehehe!
Yep! Was tellin nelle it's like a cult! & for me, really like wat others say, it's like takin u out of ur real life & let u relax! Hehehe! I really felt it leh! Givin myself too much unnecessary pressure by givin too much to friendships & den thinkin a lot wen things happen & unable to manage it all! Yep! & kinda feel lost coz 前程不是一片光明！yep!
& also coz high songs it will b v noisy! So can scream & 走音 also no prob!! :D hehehe! Yep! :D so really screamed! Esp durin e songs i mentioned above where i was jumpin & high-ing! Hehe! Really shiok!
Yep! E songs also 发人深省！esp e 第二人生， gong lang... All songs which talk bout (perhaps theirs?) struggles to succeed in life! E repeated theme was not bein afraid of failin! Perhaps coz they haf success nw, tt's why they say so? Or izzit really ok to fail? As long as u've tried? & 第二人生! Really describes me! Wan success bt nt doin anythin! Jus go out den tink of endin e stuff tt i'm doin, be it studyin, givin tuition... Not resilient enuff to b overcomin challenges! Wan e easy way out & want to b successful, tt's e prob! Felt all these wen i heard e song alr! Jus tt jus nw wen e music is so loud & I'm singin it too...... 石头 said jus nw, hopin we will walk out of e concert hall & begin our 第二人生！can I? Work hard for things & be unafraid of failin? Dun b lazy? Hehe! Hopefully e concert really will haf an effect on me! Hehe! We will see tmr! Hehehe!
Yep! Bt e $150 really worth it! Tho some songs unfamiliar, bt could move w e rythem(??) & i really sang, jumped, screamed & high-ed! Hehe! & 2 ppl also got benefit! We jus stand & sit by coordinatin w each other! & partly coz at e beginnin jie did ask e ppl behind if they were ok w us standin! Hehe! & they said ok, so more relieved wen standin! Hehe! & totally wanted for more! Luckily afternoon had enuff sleep! :D hehehe!
It's really good, splendid, awesome! :D if only ancestor & chongchong could come as well! Heheheh!
Yep! & gor, da sao & dajie, jiefu! Hehe!
Yep! My dashen + chongchong dream was shattered alr! Plus ancestor & gor they all couldn't join! Hehe!
Yep! It was still DAMN NICE! Omg! Mayday rocks totally!!! <3 <3 <3
Hehe! This is one concert which i wun mind gg again totally! AWESOME!!! Hehehe!
Yay! Thanks to nelle who insisted on gg! Hw could i've given up on e idea of goin in e first place?! Goodness! Hehe! Was it tt reason? Hehe! Hmm. Nt gg to say bt watever it is, no next time! Hehe! Only e open air DNA i dun regret missin it! Coz i watched in once in singapore & almost e same in taiwan alr! Heeh! This time maybe it's esp nice also coz they sang a lot of new songs & e really best old songs! Hehe! Tho they din sing zhi ming yu chun jiao! Hehe! Bt really awesome! :D hehe!
Yay! I'm gg to bed w e best memories frm e concert! Hehe! Hopefully i can apply e "learning" frm e concert! Hehe!
& yep! I will try to "minimise" all my emotional "problems" & worries! Hehe! I wan to b back to e happier & carefree kheng i was jus a few months ago? Why do i feel tt recently i 上-ed many 人生宝贵的课 so much so tt i've aged & no longer as happy? :( hehe! Hmm. Jiayou k kheng! Heheh!
I LOVE MAYDAY! <3
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
＂告别＂
不是要夸张啦，只是我喜欢有feel的 title 嘛！
是！做了＂仪式＂了！把感受全写出来了！没比想象中哭得容易！可能也不会再为了这件事而哭了吧？
是！希望从此能开开心心地"过活＂，我想要告别大婶这个人！不是要她死啦！只是不想再有任何瓜葛！希望她还是会快乐啊，不过很不想再碰触到她的生活！就当我害怕受伤吧！是！
我想＂重新开始＂！应该去剪头发吗？哈哈哈哈！懒惰！算了吧！可以放下就超棒的！😄
也不知道是不是放下了，不过我＂想往幸福飞去＂! 加油哦！😄
是！做了＂仪式＂了！把感受全写出来了！没比想象中哭得容易！可能也不会再为了这件事而哭了吧？
是！希望从此能开开心心地"过活＂，我想要告别大婶这个人！不是要她死啦！只是不想再有任何瓜葛！希望她还是会快乐啊，不过很不想再碰触到她的生活！就当我害怕受伤吧！是！
我想＂重新开始＂！应该去剪头发吗？哈哈哈哈！懒惰！算了吧！可以放下就超棒的！😄
也不知道是不是放下了，不过我＂想往幸福飞去＂! 加油哦！😄
Almost okay! :D
Lol! I noe xiaobong din wan to give! Bt i really lazy to bring it back to chongchong & let her pass to dashen! Dunno leh, feel tt xb will nt disagree w certain of our ways of doin things! Like gossipin & like givin this gift! Bt no choice.. I made e choice tho i noe she dun wan to give! Yep!
& after these 2 recent incidents, my only conclusion is nobody will b liked by everyone! & even if u tink e friendship is stable, it might nt b e truth! So "看开＂ a bit! Dun everythin also 捉到那么紧！
Yep!
Actually i din vent my frustration at all! So i dun haf e "说出来" so v 舒服 feel! Bt it's ok! At least i was rational & din jus keep sayin for e sake of sayin! Of ventin my emotions! Yep!
& e behind part where i m nt tryin to force her to break up, bt jus to gain more control of e r/s! Yep! Tt is if she decides to continue!
Jus nw wen we parted, she gave me e look! My instinct is she wants to run away frm me! Maybe she felt awkward, apologetic? Wat i sensed was this little bit of enemity! Like she dun wan to see me ever again kind! & is hatred wor, nt ashamed! Bt it's ok! As i walked down the stairs, i told myself "maybe i lost one friendship today!" bt it's ok! Coz i jus said wat i shld say! Tho nv vent bt really say out quite a bit! I feel tt i did my part! & can officially "pull out" le! Maybe i still need a rantin session to myself, where i say out everythin, den i can close e chap le! Yep!
Sounds so mean rite? Bt yep! I also go by feelings de! If i like u, i will b v bothered by everythin! Bt if i dun see u w great importance, den i will b able to jus ignore everythin! Yep!
Xb said, "凭感觉走很危险！" to dashen! Coz tt's a r/s, maybe endin w marriage! Bt for mine is friendship! Yep! & it's nt like sth happened den i pull out immediately! I also struggled for quite a few wks hor! Yep!
我觉得我没有对不起这段友谊！可能我没有提供最好的建议，可是我肯定有做的就是支持她！而且是无条件！而且是一直到她先＂放弃＂我！我很确定！不是我先＂背弃＂这段友谊的！
我想去荡秋千！
Yep! Maybe i really can let things go back to norm! Coz i could listen as dashen spoke bout more things! Bt.. I only had to remind myself tt dashen might b lyin to me, she wasn't honest w me.. & all e things tt weren't an issue of e past all became prob, like she is someone who totally goes by feelings, & it translates to insecurity! Maybe i shld remind my potential bf in future b4 we get into a r/s! Yep!
Bt jus feel like sth is in at my heart there, i haven't done a proper closure! Like say it out? Cry it out? Scream it out? Write it out? Yep! I only noe i need to do sth! & i really will b able to close this chap!
Yep! So maybe dashen & i can go back to norm, bt i no longer haf 期望！ & i will constantly remind myself not to go back to e past also! Maybe is fear, maybe is lack of trust or maybe a part of me jus wan to "punish" dashen for breakin this trust!
Actually jus nw wen i said, i deliberately dun wan to look at her into her eyes, nt coz i scared bt coz i din wan her to feel too embarrassed! Yep! & there was this point where i felt tt i was a little "need to cry" feel! & e little bit of suan-ness jus rose a little! Yep! Bt i din cry! & after i said e 1st half, suddenly felt tt dashen wasn't worth my tears! Yep! & it wasn't coz she was v resistant! She was listenin! Yep! Bt it was jus tt "i dun wan to cry anymore!" feel! Yep!
Bt i still feel e need to cry it out coz i feel tt i need to 放下！
Yep! 好想去发泄一下下！好好哭一场！然后就是＂哭过就好了＂！
Yep! & dun wan dashen to plan anythin for my bdae anymore! I will tell chongchong they all wen it is nearer to my bdae! Come up w some reason or sth! Maybe in future i will regret! Cos this might b my one & only chance, bt 我不想！
Yep! Bt i tink i shldn't burden chongchong w it! Like wen she goes back to norm w dashen, maybe she will feel e need to tell dashen? Bt i dun wan dashen to noe! Neither do i wan to put chongchong in a spot! Yep!
Bt anw! I noe i m nt v famous! Nt e whole world is interested in being my fren! Maybe e whole world hates me, bt i still haf e choice over who i wan to hold as 知心朋友, who to jus 放下 & move on! Yep!
Tt's it!
I will ventilate ltr! & i will b able to put back my smiley faces! :)
Kheng.
& after these 2 recent incidents, my only conclusion is nobody will b liked by everyone! & even if u tink e friendship is stable, it might nt b e truth! So "看开＂ a bit! Dun everythin also 捉到那么紧！
Yep!
Actually i din vent my frustration at all! So i dun haf e "说出来" so v 舒服 feel! Bt it's ok! At least i was rational & din jus keep sayin for e sake of sayin! Of ventin my emotions! Yep!
& e behind part where i m nt tryin to force her to break up, bt jus to gain more control of e r/s! Yep! Tt is if she decides to continue!
Jus nw wen we parted, she gave me e look! My instinct is she wants to run away frm me! Maybe she felt awkward, apologetic? Wat i sensed was this little bit of enemity! Like she dun wan to see me ever again kind! & is hatred wor, nt ashamed! Bt it's ok! As i walked down the stairs, i told myself "maybe i lost one friendship today!" bt it's ok! Coz i jus said wat i shld say! Tho nv vent bt really say out quite a bit! I feel tt i did my part! & can officially "pull out" le! Maybe i still need a rantin session to myself, where i say out everythin, den i can close e chap le! Yep!
Sounds so mean rite? Bt yep! I also go by feelings de! If i like u, i will b v bothered by everythin! Bt if i dun see u w great importance, den i will b able to jus ignore everythin! Yep!
Xb said, "凭感觉走很危险！" to dashen! Coz tt's a r/s, maybe endin w marriage! Bt for mine is friendship! Yep! & it's nt like sth happened den i pull out immediately! I also struggled for quite a few wks hor! Yep!
我觉得我没有对不起这段友谊！可能我没有提供最好的建议，可是我肯定有做的就是支持她！而且是无条件！而且是一直到她先＂放弃＂我！我很确定！不是我先＂背弃＂这段友谊的！
我想去荡秋千！
Yep! Maybe i really can let things go back to norm! Coz i could listen as dashen spoke bout more things! Bt.. I only had to remind myself tt dashen might b lyin to me, she wasn't honest w me.. & all e things tt weren't an issue of e past all became prob, like she is someone who totally goes by feelings, & it translates to insecurity! Maybe i shld remind my potential bf in future b4 we get into a r/s! Yep!
Bt jus feel like sth is in at my heart there, i haven't done a proper closure! Like say it out? Cry it out? Scream it out? Write it out? Yep! I only noe i need to do sth! & i really will b able to close this chap!
Yep! So maybe dashen & i can go back to norm, bt i no longer haf 期望！ & i will constantly remind myself not to go back to e past also! Maybe is fear, maybe is lack of trust or maybe a part of me jus wan to "punish" dashen for breakin this trust!
Actually jus nw wen i said, i deliberately dun wan to look at her into her eyes, nt coz i scared bt coz i din wan her to feel too embarrassed! Yep! & there was this point where i felt tt i was a little "need to cry" feel! & e little bit of suan-ness jus rose a little! Yep! Bt i din cry! & after i said e 1st half, suddenly felt tt dashen wasn't worth my tears! Yep! & it wasn't coz she was v resistant! She was listenin! Yep! Bt it was jus tt "i dun wan to cry anymore!" feel! Yep!
Bt i still feel e need to cry it out coz i feel tt i need to 放下！
Yep! 好想去发泄一下下！好好哭一场！然后就是＂哭过就好了＂！
Yep! & dun wan dashen to plan anythin for my bdae anymore! I will tell chongchong they all wen it is nearer to my bdae! Come up w some reason or sth! Maybe in future i will regret! Cos this might b my one & only chance, bt 我不想！
Yep! Bt i tink i shldn't burden chongchong w it! Like wen she goes back to norm w dashen, maybe she will feel e need to tell dashen? Bt i dun wan dashen to noe! Neither do i wan to put chongchong in a spot! Yep!
Bt anw! I noe i m nt v famous! Nt e whole world is interested in being my fren! Maybe e whole world hates me, bt i still haf e choice over who i wan to hold as 知心朋友, who to jus 放下 & move on! Yep!
Tt's it!
I will ventilate ltr! & i will b able to put back my smiley faces! :)
Kheng.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Omg_part 2!
Omg! Freak! I din say! I din say! Hw could i've nt said? Tuition went ok, so i tink i was kinda inclined to let it stay status quo! Goodness!
At e end, after it all ended, i had a few chances to bring e topic up! Bt i din! I asked myself do i wan to ask? Bt den i din! 😔😔😔
Goodness! Tt's so me! So lousy! I noe wat i was thinkin! I felt tt while e session went well on e whole, there were still attitude "spurs"! So i felt tt i wasn't in e right position to ask those qn! She most prob will continue to b hostile towards me!
Goodness! I m so nt brave! Cannot cannot! I mus ask somehw!
Actually i can pretend nth happened! & continue w tuition & bein frens w esther! Bt wen i see esther mention "ah mei", e whole set of weird emotions jus comes! 😖
& i m most most afraid tt one day ginny becomes ah lian/ do e wrong things, hw m i to answer to esther? Bt nt as if i can stop tt frm happenin rite? Aiyo! Biang eh!
Yep! Tho yuxiang also like v defiant wen he was in sec 1, he was still ok! At least he is e silent defiant kind(i noe it doesn't sound "good" either), bt he really din give me e feelin he would become v jiatlat la! Or maybe tt time my SW "feelers" weren't up yet? Headache sia!
& goodness, ginny said i "BHB" wen i said my tutees eventually got me e "A"s & full marks! This is e issue w interpretation! I said tt to encourage her, & she said i BHB?! Goodness! So hurt!
Ya lo! Workin w youths like her jiu shi zhe yang! I need to nt take their comments personally! it's like a kid say u r ugly, den u get angry! Tt kid might nt noe 人情世故, bt actually tt is e most truthful & REAL comment, isn't it? Bt i took e "logic" of e first part only la.. Tt i shldn't get angry w her such comments! Yep! & cannot be! Maybe she jus wanna spike me or sth? Maybe nt la, she was jus bein truthful! I've to manage it myself!!
Yep! & i said "perspectives" jus nw! Coz it is really true! Ginny's truthful comments showed me tt even if i dun haf e intention to brag, purely said w e intention of encouragin her & tellin her she can do it, it can b interpretated tt way! So it will b e case everywhere! Nt only misinterpretation bout braggin, maybe misinterpretated as o things as well! Yep!
Jus b careful luh! & this can only b spotted if i receive feedback frm others!!! :/
Yep! Really tough nut to crack leh! Nw i'm thinkin of hw to make tuitions work! Putting aside e esther element! Bt cannot! Nxt wk i mus force myself to bring it up! If nt, it will b harder to terminate if ginny & i build up a nt bad r/s! & if cannot build tt up, den terminate earlier also good!
Ya lo! Today heard e SW-er frm HELP say tt for kids, if u leave after they've built a certain level of trust in u, it will b makin them face lost again!
Yep! So i was thinkin i dun wan to do tt to ginny! I felt tt she din hate me alot, so got hope of buildin a good personal r/s! Yep! I jus felt tt maybe i can b a nice tutor to her! Why give up nw? Maybe she likes me? Bt goodness, every time after tuition, her responses jus make me feel like damn "WTH! Tink she hate me!" kind! So tt's why i dun wan to work w youths! I dun haf tt high level of confidence to tell myself i'm really so likeable & watever they say all jus 口是心非！neither do i've e thick-skinned-ness to tell myself, "it's ok! They said i'm fat! Nvm!" & then go process w them why did they say tt! I will feel v exposed! I noe if u really get them onto ur side, they r really w u kind! Bt i'm v afraid of e "rejection" tt they will portray! Yes! They might jus b hidin their real emotions, bt maybe they really hate me?
Yep! So youths.. Jus out!
Yep! I mus force myself to talk to ginny bout it nxt fri! Must must must must must! Knew things wun happen e way i prep myself for, jus din expect r reason to b because i din even say it out! Goodness!
Lousy me! Tmr mus say! Haiz! Tt's another thing! I jus felt tt it is excitin to go for tmr's HTHT! Bt,. Nw nt feelin as excited le leh! Talk bout it ltr.. If i've time & stuff! Haiz!
Jus hope tmr i wun b a loser & nt say again! Haiz! Mus say!!!
Kheng
... Hmm.. ... HAIZ! 😞
At e end, after it all ended, i had a few chances to bring e topic up! Bt i din! I asked myself do i wan to ask? Bt den i din! 😔😔😔
Goodness! Tt's so me! So lousy! I noe wat i was thinkin! I felt tt while e session went well on e whole, there were still attitude "spurs"! So i felt tt i wasn't in e right position to ask those qn! She most prob will continue to b hostile towards me!
Goodness! I m so nt brave! Cannot cannot! I mus ask somehw!
Actually i can pretend nth happened! & continue w tuition & bein frens w esther! Bt wen i see esther mention "ah mei", e whole set of weird emotions jus comes! 😖
& i m most most afraid tt one day ginny becomes ah lian/ do e wrong things, hw m i to answer to esther? Bt nt as if i can stop tt frm happenin rite? Aiyo! Biang eh!
Yep! Tho yuxiang also like v defiant wen he was in sec 1, he was still ok! At least he is e silent defiant kind(i noe it doesn't sound "good" either), bt he really din give me e feelin he would become v jiatlat la! Or maybe tt time my SW "feelers" weren't up yet? Headache sia!
& goodness, ginny said i "BHB" wen i said my tutees eventually got me e "A"s & full marks! This is e issue w interpretation! I said tt to encourage her, & she said i BHB?! Goodness! So hurt!
Ya lo! Workin w youths like her jiu shi zhe yang! I need to nt take their comments personally! it's like a kid say u r ugly, den u get angry! Tt kid might nt noe 人情世故, bt actually tt is e most truthful & REAL comment, isn't it? Bt i took e "logic" of e first part only la.. Tt i shldn't get angry w her such comments! Yep! & cannot be! Maybe she jus wanna spike me or sth? Maybe nt la, she was jus bein truthful! I've to manage it myself!!
Yep! & i said "perspectives" jus nw! Coz it is really true! Ginny's truthful comments showed me tt even if i dun haf e intention to brag, purely said w e intention of encouragin her & tellin her she can do it, it can b interpretated tt way! So it will b e case everywhere! Nt only misinterpretation bout braggin, maybe misinterpretated as o things as well! Yep!
Jus b careful luh! & this can only b spotted if i receive feedback frm others!!! :/
Yep! Really tough nut to crack leh! Nw i'm thinkin of hw to make tuitions work! Putting aside e esther element! Bt cannot! Nxt wk i mus force myself to bring it up! If nt, it will b harder to terminate if ginny & i build up a nt bad r/s! & if cannot build tt up, den terminate earlier also good!
Ya lo! Today heard e SW-er frm HELP say tt for kids, if u leave after they've built a certain level of trust in u, it will b makin them face lost again!
Yep! So i was thinkin i dun wan to do tt to ginny! I felt tt she din hate me alot, so got hope of buildin a good personal r/s! Yep! I jus felt tt maybe i can b a nice tutor to her! Why give up nw? Maybe she likes me? Bt goodness, every time after tuition, her responses jus make me feel like damn "WTH! Tink she hate me!" kind! So tt's why i dun wan to work w youths! I dun haf tt high level of confidence to tell myself i'm really so likeable & watever they say all jus 口是心非！neither do i've e thick-skinned-ness to tell myself, "it's ok! They said i'm fat! Nvm!" & then go process w them why did they say tt! I will feel v exposed! I noe if u really get them onto ur side, they r really w u kind! Bt i'm v afraid of e "rejection" tt they will portray! Yes! They might jus b hidin their real emotions, bt maybe they really hate me?
Yep! So youths.. Jus out!
Yep! I mus force myself to talk to ginny bout it nxt fri! Must must must must must! Knew things wun happen e way i prep myself for, jus din expect r reason to b because i din even say it out! Goodness!
Lousy me! Tmr mus say! Haiz! Tt's another thing! I jus felt tt it is excitin to go for tmr's HTHT! Bt,. Nw nt feelin as excited le leh! Talk bout it ltr.. If i've time & stuff! Haiz!
Jus hope tmr i wun b a loser & nt say again! Haiz! Mus say!!!
Kheng
... Hmm.. ... HAIZ! 😞
Omg!
Omg! I'm gg for ginny's tuition nw!!! :/ actually i can take mrt bt i decided to take bus! Coz i tink i need to sit down & plan for wat's gg to happen ltr! Go late den go late! Haha! I damn jiatlat! Like can't wait to b sacked like tt! :/
Yeah! Damn worried/gan chiong! Need to start thinkin wat i shld b sayin ltr! Hmm! Dun mention anythin at all? Ask a bit? I need at least a direction to hw i shld b headin frm nw on! :/ omg!! Freak!
Jus scared i will b v late! Haha! Bt this is totally nt a worryin point for me! Haha! More worried bout e consequences of wat is gg to b discussed ltr!! :/
Anw! I hope i wun kena hand,foot & mouth disease seriously! God please bless! Tho i aren't ur follower!! Heehe!
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Omg!!
Yeah! Damn worried/gan chiong! Need to start thinkin wat i shld b sayin ltr! Hmm! Dun mention anythin at all? Ask a bit? I need at least a direction to hw i shld b headin frm nw on! :/ omg!! Freak!
Jus scared i will b v late! Haha! Bt this is totally nt a worryin point for me! Haha! More worried bout e consequences of wat is gg to b discussed ltr!! :/
Anw! I hope i wun kena hand,foot & mouth disease seriously! God please bless! Tho i aren't ur follower!! Heehe!
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Omg!!
Monday, February 20, 2012
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A part of me dun mind this wk jus passin by asap! Haah! Coz alr certified quite impossible to catch up w readings liao! Today agency visit! Ltr maybe some time, den 2 tuitions! Den need to do SSA project(dragged so long liao! :/)
Den tmr meet pau try to start on child assignment! Wun b easy!
Den thurs & fri work!
Sat either go for yec meetin/tuition, den afternoon maybe some time? Den night goin MAYDAY CONCERT!!! :D hehehe! Den sun will b tuition/drama plus 2 badminton!
There goes my wk! Hehe! Bt i tink i'm jus waitin for ginny's tuition to b over! Hahaha! Most prob coz i'll haf a better idea of hw to "move on"? Whether to continue tuition or nt, tell esthe or not.....
Yep!
Den tmr meet pau try to start on child assignment! Wun b easy!
Den thurs & fri work!
Sat either go for yec meetin/tuition, den afternoon maybe some time? Den night goin MAYDAY CONCERT!!! :D hehehe! Den sun will b tuition/drama plus 2 badminton!
There goes my wk! Hehe! Bt i tink i'm jus waitin for ginny's tuition to b over! Hahaha! Most prob coz i'll haf a better idea of hw to "move on"? Whether to continue tuition or nt, tell esthe or not.....
Yep!
Tweet
Yes.. I'm givin in a little nw! Maybe coz dashen expressed interest to give up.. Maybe tt jus signals tt she is startin to wake up a little.. So i'm nt as upset.. Bt still barrier.. Hehe! Takes time ba! Hmm..
Oops! Nv do research for SSA, den fiona said mus do by tmr for discussion liao! Heheh! Oops! So paiseh! Slack la.. Still say i mus work hard! :/ hahaha! Lousy! Ok! Nw go do! Dun slack liao!
Today got ginny's tuition!!! Arghh!!!
Oops! Nv do research for SSA, den fiona said mus do by tmr for discussion liao! Heheh! Oops! So paiseh! Slack la.. Still say i mus work hard! :/ hahaha! Lousy! Ok! Nw go do! Dun slack liao!
Today got ginny's tuition!!! Arghh!!!
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Haha! I like really quite hostile to dashen in tt sms! Bt i tink it's ok! I dun feel bad for it! Coz for all tt i felt, i really tink i v ke qi towards her liao! Heh!
Haiz.. Jus nw see chongchong paste her msg over & see her keep mentionin my name - e do dabongz's card, plan for chongchong's bdae, tink of my bdae party.. Go bongz's batam trip...
All i can say is they really made me feel e 心酸 feelin! 她真的yiwei可以回到过去吗？是不是真的可以？只是我把事情复杂化了？可是我真的放不下。。haiz! Dun tink too much la, maybe she say only or maybe cayden wun let her go?
Bt really, i tink of hw she "gave up" on us, & assumin e rest can take it, i tink of hw she gave up on me.. Really cannot! Maybe i m jus too 执著 ba.. Bt really..
Hw can she nt update me jus out of a sudden? Hw can she jus pull herself away? Hw can she do so many things? I'm glad tt she finally see light le.. Bt i tink certain things, i wun b able to pei he to bring things back to normal!
Haiz.. Bt suan le.. Anyway, i've nth to lose! I've nv believed i will haf dashen back w me!
I tink nw i noe wat chongchong mean by maybe i can let go after i tell dashen my emotions! Heh!
Haiz.. Jus nw see chongchong paste her msg over & see her keep mentionin my name - e do dabongz's card, plan for chongchong's bdae, tink of my bdae party.. Go bongz's batam trip...
All i can say is they really made me feel e 心酸 feelin! 她真的yiwei可以回到过去吗？是不是真的可以？只是我把事情复杂化了？可是我真的放不下。。haiz! Dun tink too much la, maybe she say only or maybe cayden wun let her go?
Bt really, i tink of hw she "gave up" on us, & assumin e rest can take it, i tink of hw she gave up on me.. Really cannot! Maybe i m jus too 执著 ba.. Bt really..
Hw can she nt update me jus out of a sudden? Hw can she jus pull herself away? Hw can she do so many things? I'm glad tt she finally see light le.. Bt i tink certain things, i wun b able to pei he to bring things back to normal!
Haiz.. Bt suan le.. Anyway, i've nth to lose! I've nv believed i will haf dashen back w me!
I tink nw i noe wat chongchong mean by maybe i can let go after i tell dashen my emotions! Heh!
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If dashen really break, i will b happy for her. Bt i'll really need time to go back to e past! I wun wanna give up on her coz i really tink this r/s nt healthy for her! & v scared chongchong will b right in predictin cayden's... Bt i still need time to overcome this sense of "betrayal"! & also disappointment..
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Actually i haven't totally given up on dashen yet! See her mention e times she & i did dabongz's card, & plan for chongchong's bdae.. Really got e teary & 心酸 feelin! We really haf a lot of common memories! Bt she 亲手毁了一切！haiz.. I still tink those times will nv come back!
Excitin convo
Jus had e super excitin convo w chongchong & bongz! Haha! Really a good relief session! Nt so much tt i said a lot like verbal vomit w dabongz, bt at least hearin someone of "authority" havin same thots is like an "affirmation" of e feelings i feel! Jus e idea tt someone who noes things feel e same way! Hhe! Not like db or xb whose info were mostly frm me! Hehe!
Yep! Actually i can say out or not on wed? I jus realised e problem! It's jus e "dashen's face make me dun wan to talk to her" prob! It's nt anythin else! Nt whether i will feel shy or wat! Hmm. I nee to mentally prep myself! Hehe!
Bt tt one still ok, coz i noe talkin to dashen is jus to say, i dun foresee me bein able to create any impact! & suan le, she change until like tt & totally in cayden's world! Maybe he badmouth me or some shit la.. Bt if she cannot protect me like tt time after mamasan's event, this kind of fren wan for wat?
Yep! More worried bout esther tt side! Tmr got tuition w ginny leh! Haiz! I tink of her uninterested look... & den wen i see her, i tink of esther.... Wah biang! I will feel e guilt/lost & everythin else.. See! I will ask her if i can tell her gugu bout wat she said last fri! Again.. If i've e courage to say tt! Usually i prep myself, end up will haf unforeseen circumstances changin things de! Hmm..
Yep! & actually quite excited to see dashen on wed! I actually hope i will cry! Den will reduce my 攻击性 & really show her hw upset i'm! Yep! Hopefully say le really will b tt's it.. I will 放手！& hopefully walk out of it! Havin to tink bout esther tt side alr nt easy le!
Haha! Yep! Hw to nt dread tmr's tuition? Put down their bg's issue, forget bout tuition's unenthu response frm ginny & focus on e end-of-tuition-probing! Bt den.. Will become like wat nelle said - i'm performin double roles.. They gg make my actions & focus differ significantly!
Yep!
Ok la! Take things one at a go! At least jus nw e few hours alr taken my mind off all e negativity! Hehe! So need nt feel bad for spendin time talkin right? Hehe! It's impt for my mental health, correct? Hheh!
Yep! Jus repent! Jus nw bitched like nobody's business!
No karma like wat tard said rite? :P
Ltr go back mus really delete away dashen's phone backup! Hehe! Finally someone said, "it's unethical!" hahah! So i will do it ltr! Hehe! I m tt kind once someone says it is morally wrong, den i will immediately do sth bout it! Hahaha! Yep! I live by others' "prescription" isn't it? :/
Hmm! Hai! Watever! Dun immerse myself back into all e negativity!
Chongchong jus nw really v funny "wyh is submarine!" hahahah! She was drawin e analogy tt she alr takin helicopter le, bt still can't catch up w dashen/cayden coz they takin rocket! Haha! She said she alr faster than us who r takin aeroplane le! Hehe! & my sup is still on e ground, lookin at things! Wyh is totally still submerged in water! Hahaahahahahahah!
& happy thing to start my day off! Haha twin agreed to come my bdae party! Hehe! Hopefully he wun pangseh! Haha! Finally can celebrate bdae tgt! Hehehe! I will tink it will b v cool! :D hehehe! Yay!
Yep! Happy note! :D leave it here! :D hehe!
Kheng! :)
Yep! Actually i can say out or not on wed? I jus realised e problem! It's jus e "dashen's face make me dun wan to talk to her" prob! It's nt anythin else! Nt whether i will feel shy or wat! Hmm. I nee to mentally prep myself! Hehe!
Bt tt one still ok, coz i noe talkin to dashen is jus to say, i dun foresee me bein able to create any impact! & suan le, she change until like tt & totally in cayden's world! Maybe he badmouth me or some shit la.. Bt if she cannot protect me like tt time after mamasan's event, this kind of fren wan for wat?
Yep! More worried bout esther tt side! Tmr got tuition w ginny leh! Haiz! I tink of her uninterested look... & den wen i see her, i tink of esther.... Wah biang! I will feel e guilt/lost & everythin else.. See! I will ask her if i can tell her gugu bout wat she said last fri! Again.. If i've e courage to say tt! Usually i prep myself, end up will haf unforeseen circumstances changin things de! Hmm..
Yep! & actually quite excited to see dashen on wed! I actually hope i will cry! Den will reduce my 攻击性 & really show her hw upset i'm! Yep! Hopefully say le really will b tt's it.. I will 放手！& hopefully walk out of it! Havin to tink bout esther tt side alr nt easy le!
Haha! Yep! Hw to nt dread tmr's tuition? Put down their bg's issue, forget bout tuition's unenthu response frm ginny & focus on e end-of-tuition-probing! Bt den.. Will become like wat nelle said - i'm performin double roles.. They gg make my actions & focus differ significantly!
Yep!
Ok la! Take things one at a go! At least jus nw e few hours alr taken my mind off all e negativity! Hehe! So need nt feel bad for spendin time talkin right? Hehe! It's impt for my mental health, correct? Hheh!
Yep! Jus repent! Jus nw bitched like nobody's business!
No karma like wat tard said rite? :P
Ltr go back mus really delete away dashen's phone backup! Hehe! Finally someone said, "it's unethical!" hahah! So i will do it ltr! Hehe! I m tt kind once someone says it is morally wrong, den i will immediately do sth bout it! Hahaha! Yep! I live by others' "prescription" isn't it? :/
Hmm! Hai! Watever! Dun immerse myself back into all e negativity!
Chongchong jus nw really v funny "wyh is submarine!" hahahah! She was drawin e analogy tt she alr takin helicopter le, bt still can't catch up w dashen/cayden coz they takin rocket! Haha! She said she alr faster than us who r takin aeroplane le! Hehe! & my sup is still on e ground, lookin at things! Wyh is totally still submerged in water! Hahaahahahahahah!
& happy thing to start my day off! Haha twin agreed to come my bdae party! Hehe! Hopefully he wun pangseh! Haha! Finally can celebrate bdae tgt! Hehehe! I will tink it will b v cool! :D hehehe! Yay!
Yep! Happy note! :D leave it here! :D hehe!
Kheng! :)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
[delayed post]Drained
Haiz. Drained! I tink there is a reason why i hold so dear to frens like tong, ancestor & dabongz! Coz they r e ones tt listen! & i m really in a state of dilemma now! :(
Argh
Arghh!! I need to rant again! Wanted to tweet on twitter "i'm gettin karma now for always not replyin messages, nw i'm gettin karma coz ppl aren't replyin my messages!" & tt is meant for dabongz! Bt din wan to post le den regret so come here & rant & balance myself up first! If nt gg to b like this morn, feelin ashamed of replyin mama king's msg tt way & blamin db for nt remindin me bout history postin.
Haiz! Really feelin v inbalanced recently! Jus nw my sis said yest we agreed to nt "invade" each other's table, & i guai guai moved bt was feelin damn inbal..
Goodness! Wat's wrong w me recently? Super aggitated & easily pissed! Like thurs also, 2 times wanted to blog bout it bt stopped myself.. Hehe! Story goes.:
Thurs i wanted to jus buy & write kwanki & lemin's cards den go home le.. Bt den mama king took v long to write e cards den we took bout 1.5hrs to finish everythin! I was feelin this gek-ness coz i wanted to tell her i was feelin quite tired & nt in e mood to joke le! Bt i also noe she was v high & she did tell me tt day she recently more "abnormal" than usual! Bt i really wanted to tell her i wanted to go home & do stuff! Jiatlat leh! I feel like i v evil! Bt for me, it is really jus bout whether i get e mental preparedness, if we agreed to go out & chill out, den she can crap for all she wan & i will b glad to haf met up & catch up w each other! Bt coz i was thinkin, "it is jus writing cards! 15mins?" & i wanted to go home & do research for SSA & help esther find articles if possible! Den ended up spendin so much time! & i really no energy to b crappin, so really nt in e mood!
I felt v bad, like i dun cherish this fren at all.. Bt tt's nt wat i meant leh, bt i really wasn't in e mood for jokes! Haiz! I m evil!
& like nw, actually i'm nt in e mood to listen to my sis read her scripts to me! I also haf 10,000 stuff to do! I noe she is pek chek w her students' rubbish! Maybe she is feelin v lousy tt her students totally cannot internalise her teachings & startin to doubt herself & stuff? I noe her students' scripts really is "too wasted if dun share" bt i'm in this emo state nw tt i dun wan to listen! If i wan to talk, will she listen? & hw long will she listen for? I noe relationship & love are not conditional, bt i jus wan to say that i'm nt a saint! I cannot operate on absolute morality all e time! Maybe nobody is askin that of me ba! It's jus me! Haiz..
Yep! & feelin v sian wen dabong dun reply my message! She is makin me doubt myself already.. Tt time durin & before she & ckk broke up, she replies my msg instantly...bt after tt.. Hmm.. Sometimes i wonder whether izzit tt period of me noe-in a lot of stuff bout dashen makin her start to nt reply my msg.. & also i started to feel her weird "stares" or rather "lookin away" wen i look at her! Hmm. So internship times!
I've my own fear too! I noe this is a trying period for her! As in a v tough period, bt it doesn't mean i can absolutely assure myself she still likes me a lot as a fren!
After dashen & fri's incident, i m startin to believe in "no such thing as absolute!" it doesn't take much & long for someone to change his/her opinion of another person! & i was e one who was swayed/affected! So i really dun haf e confidence tt someone else wun do it too!
My sis said jus nw tt she dun trust me coz i always screw up! She said i was unreliable! I noe tt's e truth.. Perhaps dabong also tinks tt i always talk big only wen i talk bout studyin! Or maybe she jus wants to b home & study, bt all i wan is a reply, no jiu no la.. Jus reply! Hate this totally man! Wanted to tell her "can u jus reply?" bt suan le la, control ur emotions! & actually i kinda felt like she wun reply! Her reply was instant wen i sent max's photos, bt wen i ask her bout such stuff, half e time, i dun even get replies or e replies always stop after one or two! Haiz! Wat is e exact trust level man?
Hate to be admittin this, i'm also a highly unsecure person! & i thot of gg for a run to exhaust myself! Coz it channels all my energy there & i wun tink too much! & makes me feel good after it! Hate to be thinkin like this coz cayden does both e above 2 items too! :/ sian! Dun like to b connected to him at all!
Yep! Wat's wrong w my emotions recently? I tink i need to talk to esther leh actually! Coz i already felt it le, i'm pullin myself away frm her! I find this v scary! Hw can things change so drastically? I'm so disappointed w myself? For loving & un-lovin so readily!
Bt i jus posted on fb rite? "it's okay to realise u r not wat u tink u r! As long as u admit it & face it! If nt, hw r u goin to move on?" hw m i gg to face tt i'm such a person! For dashen's case, i can still say tt coz she really "changed" & tt's e truth & there's this "she is at fault! She's responsible! We r e victims!" feel! Bt for esther?
Izzit e right decision nt to speak to her? Dun even noe whether can i even sustain in teachin ginny or not! Dun wan to ask tong & ancestor anymore! Coz i tink i shld "spare" them frm my irrational thota! Haiz... I wan more opinions, specifically bout pau & vivian, bt coz it involves esther, i hope nt to tell them leh!
Haiz! Thot bout it & was reminded of hw esther was to me in e past! Relationship was much simpler! I adored her still even wen we became closer over e past 2wks! Bt den nw, i cannot balance myself up! Jus a fren, a good fren, a friendship, why can there b so many emotions involved?
Coz i dun wan to allow myself to be like an idiot? Or wat? Goodness! I feel like i'm doin injustice to esther leh! Feel so disappointed w myself! Goodness!
Wat's happenin!
Nw really need to say this
FML!
Bt for ventilation purpose, nt really e words' meaning "fuck my life"! Hmm
Will window therapy work? Later i go try perhaps?
Haiz!
Kheng.
Haiz! Really feelin v inbalanced recently! Jus nw my sis said yest we agreed to nt "invade" each other's table, & i guai guai moved bt was feelin damn inbal..
Goodness! Wat's wrong w me recently? Super aggitated & easily pissed! Like thurs also, 2 times wanted to blog bout it bt stopped myself.. Hehe! Story goes.:
Thurs i wanted to jus buy & write kwanki & lemin's cards den go home le.. Bt den mama king took v long to write e cards den we took bout 1.5hrs to finish everythin! I was feelin this gek-ness coz i wanted to tell her i was feelin quite tired & nt in e mood to joke le! Bt i also noe she was v high & she did tell me tt day she recently more "abnormal" than usual! Bt i really wanted to tell her i wanted to go home & do stuff! Jiatlat leh! I feel like i v evil! Bt for me, it is really jus bout whether i get e mental preparedness, if we agreed to go out & chill out, den she can crap for all she wan & i will b glad to haf met up & catch up w each other! Bt coz i was thinkin, "it is jus writing cards! 15mins?" & i wanted to go home & do research for SSA & help esther find articles if possible! Den ended up spendin so much time! & i really no energy to b crappin, so really nt in e mood!
I felt v bad, like i dun cherish this fren at all.. Bt tt's nt wat i meant leh, bt i really wasn't in e mood for jokes! Haiz! I m evil!
& like nw, actually i'm nt in e mood to listen to my sis read her scripts to me! I also haf 10,000 stuff to do! I noe she is pek chek w her students' rubbish! Maybe she is feelin v lousy tt her students totally cannot internalise her teachings & startin to doubt herself & stuff? I noe her students' scripts really is "too wasted if dun share" bt i'm in this emo state nw tt i dun wan to listen! If i wan to talk, will she listen? & hw long will she listen for? I noe relationship & love are not conditional, bt i jus wan to say that i'm nt a saint! I cannot operate on absolute morality all e time! Maybe nobody is askin that of me ba! It's jus me! Haiz..
Yep! & feelin v sian wen dabong dun reply my message! She is makin me doubt myself already.. Tt time durin & before she & ckk broke up, she replies my msg instantly...bt after tt.. Hmm.. Sometimes i wonder whether izzit tt period of me noe-in a lot of stuff bout dashen makin her start to nt reply my msg.. & also i started to feel her weird "stares" or rather "lookin away" wen i look at her! Hmm. So internship times!
I've my own fear too! I noe this is a trying period for her! As in a v tough period, bt it doesn't mean i can absolutely assure myself she still likes me a lot as a fren!
After dashen & fri's incident, i m startin to believe in "no such thing as absolute!" it doesn't take much & long for someone to change his/her opinion of another person! & i was e one who was swayed/affected! So i really dun haf e confidence tt someone else wun do it too!
My sis said jus nw tt she dun trust me coz i always screw up! She said i was unreliable! I noe tt's e truth.. Perhaps dabong also tinks tt i always talk big only wen i talk bout studyin! Or maybe she jus wants to b home & study, bt all i wan is a reply, no jiu no la.. Jus reply! Hate this totally man! Wanted to tell her "can u jus reply?" bt suan le la, control ur emotions! & actually i kinda felt like she wun reply! Her reply was instant wen i sent max's photos, bt wen i ask her bout such stuff, half e time, i dun even get replies or e replies always stop after one or two! Haiz! Wat is e exact trust level man?
Hate to be admittin this, i'm also a highly unsecure person! & i thot of gg for a run to exhaust myself! Coz it channels all my energy there & i wun tink too much! & makes me feel good after it! Hate to be thinkin like this coz cayden does both e above 2 items too! :/ sian! Dun like to b connected to him at all!
Yep! Wat's wrong w my emotions recently? I tink i need to talk to esther leh actually! Coz i already felt it le, i'm pullin myself away frm her! I find this v scary! Hw can things change so drastically? I'm so disappointed w myself? For loving & un-lovin so readily!
Bt i jus posted on fb rite? "it's okay to realise u r not wat u tink u r! As long as u admit it & face it! If nt, hw r u goin to move on?" hw m i gg to face tt i'm such a person! For dashen's case, i can still say tt coz she really "changed" & tt's e truth & there's this "she is at fault! She's responsible! We r e victims!" feel! Bt for esther?
Izzit e right decision nt to speak to her? Dun even noe whether can i even sustain in teachin ginny or not! Dun wan to ask tong & ancestor anymore! Coz i tink i shld "spare" them frm my irrational thota! Haiz... I wan more opinions, specifically bout pau & vivian, bt coz it involves esther, i hope nt to tell them leh!
Haiz! Thot bout it & was reminded of hw esther was to me in e past! Relationship was much simpler! I adored her still even wen we became closer over e past 2wks! Bt den nw, i cannot balance myself up! Jus a fren, a good fren, a friendship, why can there b so many emotions involved?
Coz i dun wan to allow myself to be like an idiot? Or wat? Goodness! I feel like i'm doin injustice to esther leh! Feel so disappointed w myself! Goodness!
Wat's happenin!
Nw really need to say this
FML!
Bt for ventilation purpose, nt really e words' meaning "fuck my life"! Hmm
Will window therapy work? Later i go try perhaps?
Haiz!
Kheng.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sian
Sian! Feelin v sian! Feel like i'm bein mean bt v sian to b imposin all e restrictions on myself! :/
Wanlin pangsehed for beigu's job! Den mama king said she also maybe can't coz recess wk v busy! I also understand! My recess wk also v busy, bt coz promised le ma.. Den she fri den tell me cannot.. Den paiseh ma, coz is beigu's job leh! Den dun like, haf to last min find replacement..
She found for me le, den i asked beigu, he said dun put aeroplane so i told mama king her frens cannot pangseh leh! Den she asked if tt's for her! I noe she nt purposely de! I also nt suan-ing her, bt i jus feel v gek! Maybe i secretly wan to throw e msg to her too! Jiatlat leh!
Den i feel v bad nw! I noe i also got pangseh in such situations b4! Haiz! I sure will get karma in future de! I better dun anyhow promise to go for things in future! I noe mama king nt purposely de! Bt my 心 a bit cannot balance! :/ haiz! Den nw i feel bad to b indirectly shootin her thru msg! I tink i mind more bout my inability to nt mind this, like v 小气 like tt! I kinda dislike myself ba? So need to relieve myself! Haiz! So bad! Bt really is she pangseh first rite? Goodness! I feel bad nw! So ji4 jiao4! Haiz! I go apologise to her la! If nt i 过不了自己那关！:/
& my history postin! I din do at all! Goodness! & den nw blamin others! Coz i thot dabong would remind me! Bt is i forgot myself! Bt i jus feel like she shld remind me! Aiyo! I despise myself for thinkin this way leh! Haiz! Shld i delete this post? Haiz! Lousy me! :(
Wanlin pangsehed for beigu's job! Den mama king said she also maybe can't coz recess wk v busy! I also understand! My recess wk also v busy, bt coz promised le ma.. Den she fri den tell me cannot.. Den paiseh ma, coz is beigu's job leh! Den dun like, haf to last min find replacement..
She found for me le, den i asked beigu, he said dun put aeroplane so i told mama king her frens cannot pangseh leh! Den she asked if tt's for her! I noe she nt purposely de! I also nt suan-ing her, bt i jus feel v gek! Maybe i secretly wan to throw e msg to her too! Jiatlat leh!
Den i feel v bad nw! I noe i also got pangseh in such situations b4! Haiz! I sure will get karma in future de! I better dun anyhow promise to go for things in future! I noe mama king nt purposely de! Bt my 心 a bit cannot balance! :/ haiz! Den nw i feel bad to b indirectly shootin her thru msg! I tink i mind more bout my inability to nt mind this, like v 小气 like tt! I kinda dislike myself ba? So need to relieve myself! Haiz! So bad! Bt really is she pangseh first rite? Goodness! I feel bad nw! So ji4 jiao4! Haiz! I go apologise to her la! If nt i 过不了自己那关！:/
& my history postin! I din do at all! Goodness! & den nw blamin others! Coz i thot dabong would remind me! Bt is i forgot myself! Bt i jus feel like she shld remind me! Aiyo! I despise myself for thinkin this way leh! Haiz! Shld i delete this post? Haiz! Lousy me! :(
Friday, February 17, 2012
Lament
My lament nw is, "why is life so complicated?" at e age of 20, going on 21! I can't imagine wat will i say in future! Hahaha!
One thing unsettled, another thing popped up! Ancestor came to ask me whether did i tell yx she & qimin used to haf conflict! & i asked baby & she sai yes! At first was like cursin & swearin why she din watch her mouth! Bt nw, maybe i din warn her nt to say it out! Bt actually, maybe i also din tink it was an impt issue enuff to b careful nt to say!
Ancestor nv reply me! Hope she isn't angry or anythin, jus busy? If she is angry, den it is valid also! Coz i din watch my mouth! Maybe i still dun understand e significance of things to ancestor! Jus afraid to see cold & nt cold messages like "it's ok, jus watch wat u say nxt time!" coz it's e "i'm angry bt i cannot b angry w u kind! Wat can i do to u? U also say liao!" bt i deserve it la! If she chooses to keep things frm me in future, i guess i deserve it too!
Tong said tt i might b thinkin too much bout esther decidin to nt "friend" me anymore after i tell her e truth! Bt well, tt possibility was suggested by my sis, nt me! Bt of coz i explored it too! Yep! So maybe i'm thinkin too much bout ancestor being angry w me & havin her reservations bout tellin me things in e future! Bt it might really jus well b true!
Bt i've learnt sth, dun anyhow tell ppl things! U tink friendship is built on e basis of trust, bt is tt friendship really trustworthy enuff for u to b sayin everythin? Or izzit worth u sayin everythin? Hw long will e friendship last? Realisation made based on me, baby & esther!
I wan to tell esther everythin, be honest, bt is there really the need to tell her everythin? Does she really need the truthfulness? Ancestor & i, buddies for life! Bt yet, i dun even noe whether she minds this past of qimin & her once havin conflict b4 anot! Yes, baby was right! "say jiu say lo! Also over alr! Now frens can le ma!" bt maybe e sig is nt e same for ancestor & qimin! & did i see things frm their perspective? No!
I noe baby is trustworthy! I aren't tryin to imply anythin frm my previous previous para, bt she sees things differently! She tinks it's ok bt doesn't mean i see it e same way! & given her r/s w qimin nw, i tink i'll start to haf my reservations! I aren't angry w her! No reason to b angry w her also! I din even warn her! Bt i will jus b careful w wat i say in future! Nt only to her! Bt to e whole wide world! Verbalising is okay, bt tink of e consequences! Tgt w e ginny-esther incident, i will really tink twice bout sayin things in future!
Yep! Tong said she will show me these messages tt i sent her in future wen this thing dies down! Wat does she tink? I tink too much? Hahaha! Actually i noe leh, i jus din dare to tell her i always tink so much! Bout every possible single thing!
& i realised jus nw, my 2yrs of social work education did bring me somewhere! It din help me to stop my irrational thoughts, it jus helped me to guide my thots! I still will tink a lot! Bt jus tt i will tink social-workishly! I still aren't able to dismiss my own irrational fears! I can catch them bt can't dismiss them! Bt i feel tt for ginny's incident, my worries r all social-workish ones! Like "wat if she loses faith in ppl? Wat if she becomes a "gone-case"?" & i believe wat i say will change esther's interactional patterns w ginny? I also dunno! I noe even a non-social-worker will b able to see things this way.... Bt i'm able to like see theories in place w my thots! Hahah! So r they still irrational?
I also dunno! I wan to faint liao! Jus wan to escape frm all these & fly overseas! I can handle tonnes of work, i can handle other prob & worries! Jus nt emotional & relational ones! Yest after listenin to my sis for a few hours, i got tired! I asked myself, do i even fulfill e basic requirement for a social worker - like to work w ppl in general?
I dun mind listenin! Bt for a few hours.... Hmm! & it's nt an interactive conversation! I only listen! I can paraphrase & use my social work skills & all tt, bt is tt necessary? Maybe it is ba! Bt.. Jus feel tt i can b e listener bt my sis can't b mine! & i was askin myself, why m i so desperate in tryin to inch further & further in hope tt my sis will listen to me as well? & frm there, i understand why i cling on so tightly to frens like tong, ancestor, bearbear & dabongz! Coz we've open communication! & they listen real well! & i'm almost takin e air-time all e time! For some ppl, like dashen, chongchong & esther, i'm jus willin to b e listener! Jus realised i've open communication w gege too! Hehe! Bt e rest? Pau also open! Bt we haven't reach e buddies level yet! Bt she alr became my v good fren le! :D i love pau! Hehe!
Hmm.. Yep! Jus tired wen u r always listenin & wen u wan to speak, there isn't really many who can listen! Hmm. Bt yep! Haf la! Still haf fy, mat, yj, anqi, xr, KAREN! Tb-mate perhaps? E rest i nv mention coz perhaps e style isn't bout communicatin bout my deep emotional prob(mama king) or others whom jus aren't so close & if i mention, it will b a little awkward? Or i've to provide so much background den e advice given will b so neutral tt it is nt "adapted" to my situation! Hehe! Or ppl whom will jus simplify e prob & dismiss them! Bt yep! It doesn't mean they aren't my good frens! & maybe will still haf frens whom i missed out their names! E list might nt b exhaustive! Hehe! Yep!
Continue ltr! Go for my bmt first! Haiz! Moody moody!
One thing unsettled, another thing popped up! Ancestor came to ask me whether did i tell yx she & qimin used to haf conflict! & i asked baby & she sai yes! At first was like cursin & swearin why she din watch her mouth! Bt nw, maybe i din warn her nt to say it out! Bt actually, maybe i also din tink it was an impt issue enuff to b careful nt to say!
Ancestor nv reply me! Hope she isn't angry or anythin, jus busy? If she is angry, den it is valid also! Coz i din watch my mouth! Maybe i still dun understand e significance of things to ancestor! Jus afraid to see cold & nt cold messages like "it's ok, jus watch wat u say nxt time!" coz it's e "i'm angry bt i cannot b angry w u kind! Wat can i do to u? U also say liao!" bt i deserve it la! If she chooses to keep things frm me in future, i guess i deserve it too!
Tong said tt i might b thinkin too much bout esther decidin to nt "friend" me anymore after i tell her e truth! Bt well, tt possibility was suggested by my sis, nt me! Bt of coz i explored it too! Yep! So maybe i'm thinkin too much bout ancestor being angry w me & havin her reservations bout tellin me things in e future! Bt it might really jus well b true!
Bt i've learnt sth, dun anyhow tell ppl things! U tink friendship is built on e basis of trust, bt is tt friendship really trustworthy enuff for u to b sayin everythin? Or izzit worth u sayin everythin? Hw long will e friendship last? Realisation made based on me, baby & esther!
I wan to tell esther everythin, be honest, bt is there really the need to tell her everythin? Does she really need the truthfulness? Ancestor & i, buddies for life! Bt yet, i dun even noe whether she minds this past of qimin & her once havin conflict b4 anot! Yes, baby was right! "say jiu say lo! Also over alr! Now frens can le ma!" bt maybe e sig is nt e same for ancestor & qimin! & did i see things frm their perspective? No!
I noe baby is trustworthy! I aren't tryin to imply anythin frm my previous previous para, bt she sees things differently! She tinks it's ok bt doesn't mean i see it e same way! & given her r/s w qimin nw, i tink i'll start to haf my reservations! I aren't angry w her! No reason to b angry w her also! I din even warn her! Bt i will jus b careful w wat i say in future! Nt only to her! Bt to e whole wide world! Verbalising is okay, bt tink of e consequences! Tgt w e ginny-esther incident, i will really tink twice bout sayin things in future!
Yep! Tong said she will show me these messages tt i sent her in future wen this thing dies down! Wat does she tink? I tink too much? Hahaha! Actually i noe leh, i jus din dare to tell her i always tink so much! Bout every possible single thing!
& i realised jus nw, my 2yrs of social work education did bring me somewhere! It din help me to stop my irrational thoughts, it jus helped me to guide my thots! I still will tink a lot! Bt jus tt i will tink social-workishly! I still aren't able to dismiss my own irrational fears! I can catch them bt can't dismiss them! Bt i feel tt for ginny's incident, my worries r all social-workish ones! Like "wat if she loses faith in ppl? Wat if she becomes a "gone-case"?" & i believe wat i say will change esther's interactional patterns w ginny? I also dunno! I noe even a non-social-worker will b able to see things this way.... Bt i'm able to like see theories in place w my thots! Hahah! So r they still irrational?
I also dunno! I wan to faint liao! Jus wan to escape frm all these & fly overseas! I can handle tonnes of work, i can handle other prob & worries! Jus nt emotional & relational ones! Yest after listenin to my sis for a few hours, i got tired! I asked myself, do i even fulfill e basic requirement for a social worker - like to work w ppl in general?
I dun mind listenin! Bt for a few hours.... Hmm! & it's nt an interactive conversation! I only listen! I can paraphrase & use my social work skills & all tt, bt is tt necessary? Maybe it is ba! Bt.. Jus feel tt i can b e listener bt my sis can't b mine! & i was askin myself, why m i so desperate in tryin to inch further & further in hope tt my sis will listen to me as well? & frm there, i understand why i cling on so tightly to frens like tong, ancestor, bearbear & dabongz! Coz we've open communication! & they listen real well! & i'm almost takin e air-time all e time! For some ppl, like dashen, chongchong & esther, i'm jus willin to b e listener! Jus realised i've open communication w gege too! Hehe! Bt e rest? Pau also open! Bt we haven't reach e buddies level yet! Bt she alr became my v good fren le! :D i love pau! Hehe!
Hmm.. Yep! Jus tired wen u r always listenin & wen u wan to speak, there isn't really many who can listen! Hmm. Bt yep! Haf la! Still haf fy, mat, yj, anqi, xr, KAREN! Tb-mate perhaps? E rest i nv mention coz perhaps e style isn't bout communicatin bout my deep emotional prob(mama king) or others whom jus aren't so close & if i mention, it will b a little awkward? Or i've to provide so much background den e advice given will b so neutral tt it is nt "adapted" to my situation! Hehe! Or ppl whom will jus simplify e prob & dismiss them! Bt yep! It doesn't mean they aren't my good frens! & maybe will still haf frens whom i missed out their names! E list might nt b exhaustive! Hehe! Yep!
Continue ltr! Go for my bmt first! Haiz! Moody moody!
Tweet
Perhaps internship colleagues r jus nt meant to b my buddies! I've nv imagined tt i would b able to "let go of " dashen coz of a cayden!
& nw, e thing tt brought esther & i close tgt - e secrets tt she revealed to me bout her own personal life - is e thing tt i'm frettin over nw & might mark an end to our close friendship - we might still b frens, bt i really dunno hw close we will b!
Haiz! I knew it was an issue coz after spendin e entire night w nelle & listenin to her stories while i inject mine a while here & there, wen i closed my eyes, & felt e vibration of e phone(& e few msg-es spam at a go kind tt's so her style) - i din dare to look at e messages! Coz i dunno hw to face her! She within 5mins will mention ah di/ah mei! & everytime she mentions, i tink of "bt ah mei doesn't see it this way!" den i jus feel e extreme discomfort!
Haiz! A lot of things to explore/say! Haix! My own fears, my own worries, discomfort.... Maybe i'm jus unable to overcome my own issues! Like acceptin e fact tt everyone has more than 1 side to them! & ppl can haf diff opinions bout e same thing bt both can b right!
Perhaps it is coz like over 1 wk, we suddenly became so close! (Bt b4 tt, we alr had been textin quite frequent le hor!) den dun haf e reality check (explain in future) in place! Haiz!
Or maybe too fast le, tt's why friendship nt built on solid grounds, easier to form cracks! Bt aren't friendships tt withstand these cracks those tt emerge strong till e end kind? As in over time, friendships r strong coz they withstand these cracks! Without these cracks, hw long also no use! Izzit? Aiyo! I really v lost & everythin else leh! Haiz! Too many issues facin me! & i've to come to terms to all of them b4 i get a good big overall picture!
Why can't life b simpler? I jus wan to make a good fren! I made it! Esther really provided me w a lot of support by showin her love for me, & it jus did empower me! Esp wen i'm in e midst of recoverin frm physical injury & also tink-ing of dashen's stuff! Bt nw, this friendship is being called into question.
I jus wanted to haf tuition & make money. Why did it become like this? :(
Haiz!
Kheng.
Tweet became post again! :(
& nw, e thing tt brought esther & i close tgt - e secrets tt she revealed to me bout her own personal life - is e thing tt i'm frettin over nw & might mark an end to our close friendship - we might still b frens, bt i really dunno hw close we will b!
Haiz! I knew it was an issue coz after spendin e entire night w nelle & listenin to her stories while i inject mine a while here & there, wen i closed my eyes, & felt e vibration of e phone(& e few msg-es spam at a go kind tt's so her style) - i din dare to look at e messages! Coz i dunno hw to face her! She within 5mins will mention ah di/ah mei! & everytime she mentions, i tink of "bt ah mei doesn't see it this way!" den i jus feel e extreme discomfort!
Haiz! A lot of things to explore/say! Haix! My own fears, my own worries, discomfort.... Maybe i'm jus unable to overcome my own issues! Like acceptin e fact tt everyone has more than 1 side to them! & ppl can haf diff opinions bout e same thing bt both can b right!
Perhaps it is coz like over 1 wk, we suddenly became so close! (Bt b4 tt, we alr had been textin quite frequent le hor!) den dun haf e reality check (explain in future) in place! Haiz!
Or maybe too fast le, tt's why friendship nt built on solid grounds, easier to form cracks! Bt aren't friendships tt withstand these cracks those tt emerge strong till e end kind? As in over time, friendships r strong coz they withstand these cracks! Without these cracks, hw long also no use! Izzit? Aiyo! I really v lost & everythin else leh! Haiz! Too many issues facin me! & i've to come to terms to all of them b4 i get a good big overall picture!
Why can't life b simpler? I jus wan to make a good fren! I made it! Esther really provided me w a lot of support by showin her love for me, & it jus did empower me! Esp wen i'm in e midst of recoverin frm physical injury & also tink-ing of dashen's stuff! Bt nw, this friendship is being called into question.
I jus wanted to haf tuition & make money. Why did it become like this? :(
Haiz!
Kheng.
Tweet became post again! :(
Wah! 晴天霹雳！
Aiyo! Why is life so complicated? I only wanted to happily teach tuition, earn money, noe a few more cute kids & feel e sense of achievement wen i can teach & they can score! Hmm..
Ginny really is a challengin kid! She is e typical (by this, i acknowledge tt this is a stereotype!) secondary normal acad/tech kid! I really shld count my blessings nw for havin yuxiang, yeeseng, gerald & konglong as my tutees! They e totally not representive of the real kids out there! :(
Really v much coz they r boys! & for konglong, it is really coz her character isn't like this!
Observations, assessment rite? I see e way ginny talks to her brother, her grandma, i really cannot see hw obedient a girl she is! Hmm. I m takin care to nt let my impressions affect e way i interact w her!
I understand! Kids at this age, sure fight w siblings all e time! My bro & sis used to scream at me wen they r at tt age too! Wat's more ah di is at a "near age"! Hmm! & her grandma is e typical nag & scream at her child kind! & based on wat i heard frm esther bout ginny's mum... Hmm... & e busy-always-not-at-home parents! Hmm!
Bt again, i mus b aware of my feelings & views!
She is nt tt bad also! At least she doesn't scream at me! & my gigglin managed to engage her! Bt i seriously dunno hw long this gigglin can b a source of connection! She will soon find me real retarded for gigglin all e time! Bt i really jus like to giggle lo! Nt to b a clown or to tink of some gimmick to make her like me! Yep! & at least wen her grandma comes in, she will sit up! She finds her grandma irritatin bt she is still scared tt she will nag at her! It's a strength to me somehow! Hehe! Like at least her grandma can keep her under control? Izzit?
& at least she trusts me a little! Did she nt tink of e possibility tt i will tell esther wat she said? Or she trusts me? Or she jus wanted me to shut up & stop mentionin esther? I really hope it is e 2nd case! As long as it's nt true!
Bt i guess i gotta start learnin hw to accept real harsh reality! Even if esther is a v nice fren, she can't please everyone & if her nieces dun like her, they really dun like her! Nobody can b perfect! Even me myself! So i've gotta start learnin! Maybe someone thinks i'm a hypocrite? Maybe someone thinks i'm an idiot who giggles all e time? Maybe someone dun like me for jus any or every reason? & maybe they really do haf a valid reason for nt likin me! Hmm.. Harsh reality being slapped into my face again today!
Yep! I'm ok w e challenge! W teachin a tough kid, at most i jus quit & stop teachin her! I jus dun like e part where i'm stuck in this dilemma of thinkin whether to tell esther or not? Hw to tell her? & havin to consider e consequences! Wah biang!
Ya! B4 this i've been thinkin! Esther is direct & confident! & based on wat she said, i did consider whether is she e typical wan to control a lot aunt! Sounded like she was v involved bt e thing was she said ginny & ah di trusted her!
It's really 晴天霹雳 wen ginny said, "i dun like gugu!" & she jus said everythin her elder sis din like esther for, "control too much! Ask a lot! Not married!" i seriously tink tt these e things her sis/cousin influenced her with! Or izzit every kid who is at tt age will automatically form such stereotypes/reasonin?
Of coz jus nw during & after tuition, i already came up w e decision alr! I wun tell esther yet! Coz i cannot lose ginny! As in if i say, maybe esther will b v hurt! She definitely will(unless ginny was jus jokin which i seriously doubt)! & she might jus go & ask ginny! & ginny will HATE me! & it's nt so much of e tuition part! I lose her as a tuition kid den forget bout it lo! I'm nt desperate for money! Bt i tink it might take her some time to trust others again! & she definitely will hate esther more! If esther dun confront, she sure will b secretly unhappy then! :(
Yep! & b4 tuition, i alr resoluted to nt bringin esther into e picture! Tt means i interact w ginny as she is, a separate entity! I wan to shift tuition, i tell her! I need anythin, i tell her! Cannot bring esther into e picture all e time & make myself haf e added stress! & now, there's even more reason to nt bring esther into e picture! Wah!!!
Omg! M i ready to accept e harsh realities of life or not?
This is like applyin social work w youth! One day, i will ask ginny whether can i tell esther wat she feels bout her or not! Like if a youth tells u he commited a crime, den e idea is to get him to share bt lettin him noe tt u've e obligation to report him! Haiz! "informed consent"! :/
Jiatlat leh! It's like this is shatterin esther's rosy picture of her family! She tinks tt she is being concerned w e kids bt e kids see her as being kapo! Goodness! & i'm startin to get a little worried nw! Coz maybe esther's perspective might b skewed! Like hw she tinks ah mei trusts her wen ginny actually says tt she dun like esther!
Wah biang! E more i say, e more i feel e need to tell esther! Hw hurt will she be wen ginny becomes e 2nd jolin? Aiyo!!! :(
Bt then maybe by then, she will really haf to tink bout things! Maybe her method really wun work on youngsters nowadays?
Bt e hardest issue i'm grappling with now is really bout how esther really might nt b perfect! Hmm! Esther is a bit like "idol" to me! Different frm dashen coz dashen is a fren tt i wan to hold on to, e same feelin as ah boon! Hmm. & as of nw, esther is jus like perfect!
So jus nw, i said, "nobody can b perfect & win everyone's liking!" yep! E qn for myself nw is, "will i still like esther as much if she really turns out to be e "irritatin gugu"?" jus nw i asked wen i typed e first part of e blog entry, my ans was "yes" coz as a fren, she is simply awesome! She really takes care of me! & her concern, "scolding"(i always term it this way coz i feel tt if someone bothers to scold u, tt person cares! & of coz e scoldin cannot b insulting, "like! U r e dumbest person i've ever seen!" & e scoldin has to b out of concern, nt to vent frustrations! Like my mum raisin her voice at me wen she cannot finish washin her clothes! Bt nw, i m suddenly feelin v thankful i've such an awesome mum! At least she cares! & doesn't teach me things like wat esther says of her cousin-in-law!)! Yep! & coz yest she really said sth v sweet, tt regardless of wat, she will still love me coz she treats me like a sister!
Hmm. My biggest prob is if everyone likes this person, & this person likes me! I will feel tt this r/s is very precious! So tt's why, nw wen i hear tt ginny dun like her aunt, den i will b thinkin if i'm v close to esther, will ginny dislike me? Maybe her sis will tink i'm "bad" too! Hehe!
Bt here's where we haf to make choices! Who is my fren? Esther, ginny or her sis? Of coz it's esther! & esther has been so nice to me! & to ppl ard her! I've my eyes to see! & judge, so hw can i b so easily influenced?
Yep! I say it out coz i admit wen i first heard frm ginny, these were my thots! Bt nw, i'm tryin to get rid of irrational thots! Yep!
I dun care whether hw they see esther as an aunt, i see her as a v impt fren 就对了！
A good spot to pause my blog entry! I'm meetin my sis! E rest i will continue again! Some time! Hmm..
Still a bit of "haiz" feelin inside! Bt definitely less than b4 i told tong & blogged!
Kheng.
Ginny really is a challengin kid! She is e typical (by this, i acknowledge tt this is a stereotype!) secondary normal acad/tech kid! I really shld count my blessings nw for havin yuxiang, yeeseng, gerald & konglong as my tutees! They e totally not representive of the real kids out there! :(
Really v much coz they r boys! & for konglong, it is really coz her character isn't like this!
Observations, assessment rite? I see e way ginny talks to her brother, her grandma, i really cannot see hw obedient a girl she is! Hmm. I m takin care to nt let my impressions affect e way i interact w her!
I understand! Kids at this age, sure fight w siblings all e time! My bro & sis used to scream at me wen they r at tt age too! Wat's more ah di is at a "near age"! Hmm! & her grandma is e typical nag & scream at her child kind! & based on wat i heard frm esther bout ginny's mum... Hmm... & e busy-always-not-at-home parents! Hmm!
Bt again, i mus b aware of my feelings & views!
She is nt tt bad also! At least she doesn't scream at me! & my gigglin managed to engage her! Bt i seriously dunno hw long this gigglin can b a source of connection! She will soon find me real retarded for gigglin all e time! Bt i really jus like to giggle lo! Nt to b a clown or to tink of some gimmick to make her like me! Yep! & at least wen her grandma comes in, she will sit up! She finds her grandma irritatin bt she is still scared tt she will nag at her! It's a strength to me somehow! Hehe! Like at least her grandma can keep her under control? Izzit?
& at least she trusts me a little! Did she nt tink of e possibility tt i will tell esther wat she said? Or she trusts me? Or she jus wanted me to shut up & stop mentionin esther? I really hope it is e 2nd case! As long as it's nt true!
Bt i guess i gotta start learnin hw to accept real harsh reality! Even if esther is a v nice fren, she can't please everyone & if her nieces dun like her, they really dun like her! Nobody can b perfect! Even me myself! So i've gotta start learnin! Maybe someone thinks i'm a hypocrite? Maybe someone thinks i'm an idiot who giggles all e time? Maybe someone dun like me for jus any or every reason? & maybe they really do haf a valid reason for nt likin me! Hmm.. Harsh reality being slapped into my face again today!
Yep! I'm ok w e challenge! W teachin a tough kid, at most i jus quit & stop teachin her! I jus dun like e part where i'm stuck in this dilemma of thinkin whether to tell esther or not? Hw to tell her? & havin to consider e consequences! Wah biang!
Ya! B4 this i've been thinkin! Esther is direct & confident! & based on wat she said, i did consider whether is she e typical wan to control a lot aunt! Sounded like she was v involved bt e thing was she said ginny & ah di trusted her!
It's really 晴天霹雳 wen ginny said, "i dun like gugu!" & she jus said everythin her elder sis din like esther for, "control too much! Ask a lot! Not married!" i seriously tink tt these e things her sis/cousin influenced her with! Or izzit every kid who is at tt age will automatically form such stereotypes/reasonin?
Of coz jus nw during & after tuition, i already came up w e decision alr! I wun tell esther yet! Coz i cannot lose ginny! As in if i say, maybe esther will b v hurt! She definitely will(unless ginny was jus jokin which i seriously doubt)! & she might jus go & ask ginny! & ginny will HATE me! & it's nt so much of e tuition part! I lose her as a tuition kid den forget bout it lo! I'm nt desperate for money! Bt i tink it might take her some time to trust others again! & she definitely will hate esther more! If esther dun confront, she sure will b secretly unhappy then! :(
Yep! & b4 tuition, i alr resoluted to nt bringin esther into e picture! Tt means i interact w ginny as she is, a separate entity! I wan to shift tuition, i tell her! I need anythin, i tell her! Cannot bring esther into e picture all e time & make myself haf e added stress! & now, there's even more reason to nt bring esther into e picture! Wah!!!
Omg! M i ready to accept e harsh realities of life or not?
This is like applyin social work w youth! One day, i will ask ginny whether can i tell esther wat she feels bout her or not! Like if a youth tells u he commited a crime, den e idea is to get him to share bt lettin him noe tt u've e obligation to report him! Haiz! "informed consent"! :/
Jiatlat leh! It's like this is shatterin esther's rosy picture of her family! She tinks tt she is being concerned w e kids bt e kids see her as being kapo! Goodness! & i'm startin to get a little worried nw! Coz maybe esther's perspective might b skewed! Like hw she tinks ah mei trusts her wen ginny actually says tt she dun like esther!
Wah biang! E more i say, e more i feel e need to tell esther! Hw hurt will she be wen ginny becomes e 2nd jolin? Aiyo!!! :(
Bt then maybe by then, she will really haf to tink bout things! Maybe her method really wun work on youngsters nowadays?
Bt e hardest issue i'm grappling with now is really bout how esther really might nt b perfect! Hmm! Esther is a bit like "idol" to me! Different frm dashen coz dashen is a fren tt i wan to hold on to, e same feelin as ah boon! Hmm. & as of nw, esther is jus like perfect!
So jus nw, i said, "nobody can b perfect & win everyone's liking!" yep! E qn for myself nw is, "will i still like esther as much if she really turns out to be e "irritatin gugu"?" jus nw i asked wen i typed e first part of e blog entry, my ans was "yes" coz as a fren, she is simply awesome! She really takes care of me! & her concern, "scolding"(i always term it this way coz i feel tt if someone bothers to scold u, tt person cares! & of coz e scoldin cannot b insulting, "like! U r e dumbest person i've ever seen!" & e scoldin has to b out of concern, nt to vent frustrations! Like my mum raisin her voice at me wen she cannot finish washin her clothes! Bt nw, i m suddenly feelin v thankful i've such an awesome mum! At least she cares! & doesn't teach me things like wat esther says of her cousin-in-law!)! Yep! & coz yest she really said sth v sweet, tt regardless of wat, she will still love me coz she treats me like a sister!
Hmm. My biggest prob is if everyone likes this person, & this person likes me! I will feel tt this r/s is very precious! So tt's why, nw wen i hear tt ginny dun like her aunt, den i will b thinkin if i'm v close to esther, will ginny dislike me? Maybe her sis will tink i'm "bad" too! Hehe!
Bt here's where we haf to make choices! Who is my fren? Esther, ginny or her sis? Of coz it's esther! & esther has been so nice to me! & to ppl ard her! I've my eyes to see! & judge, so hw can i b so easily influenced?
Yep! I say it out coz i admit wen i first heard frm ginny, these were my thots! Bt nw, i'm tryin to get rid of irrational thots! Yep!
I dun care whether hw they see esther as an aunt, i see her as a v impt fren 就对了！
A good spot to pause my blog entry! I'm meetin my sis! E rest i will continue again! Some time! Hmm..
Still a bit of "haiz" feelin inside! Bt definitely less than b4 i told tong & blogged!
Kheng.
Delayed post
Omg! Freak! Tt slap frm tard on my arm is freakingly pain! Omg! Tears were whelmin up alr! & i looked at tong so "helplessly" bt she din sense it! Haiz! Bt it's ok la! It was useless to cry at tt moment too! As in i would haf looked useless! Bt it was really painful! Bt i tink it was a good slap! To let blood circulate! Bt it's really painful!
Was there sth triggered? Why do i still feel teary nw even tho it isn't painful anymore?
I tink i m too weak! Sian! As in emotionally & everythin!
& sian, go home haf to bath - so ma fan! :( & xinku! Dun whine dun whine! Stop it!
Was there sth triggered? Why do i still feel teary nw even tho it isn't painful anymore?
I tink i m too weak! Sian! As in emotionally & everythin!
& sian, go home haf to bath - so ma fan! :( & xinku! Dun whine dun whine! Stop it!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tweet
Aiyo! I so careless send wrong message to esther! Wanted to send to chongchong! Prob w talkin w so many ppl at a time! Bt at least i tink esther din read e photo? Hmm..
I hope she wun misunderstand i unhappy w daxiao bongz! Coz i din say clearly "她＂ is who! Hmm. I tink i better go clarify! Even if she is nt interested in noe-in who e "she" is! Hehe!
Yep! Bt if my speech revealed anythin bout me tt is undesirable, also no choice! Coz tt's hw i really feel! Yep! Hehe!
Go clarify nw! Hehe!
I hope she wun misunderstand i unhappy w daxiao bongz! Coz i din say clearly "她＂ is who! Hmm. I tink i better go clarify! Even if she is nt interested in noe-in who e "she" is! Hehe!
Yep! Bt if my speech revealed anythin bout me tt is undesirable, also no choice! Coz tt's hw i really feel! Yep! Hehe!
Go clarify nw! Hehe!
Monday, February 13, 2012
:D
Hehe! Jus tweeted it! Hehe! I really haf e 苦尽甘来 feel! Yuxiang is finally showin some improvement! He really made me feel tt he understands! Nw wen i point out his mistakes, he noes wat it is & noes hw to correct it! Noes hw to clarify w me his confusion & doubts! Not all of coz! If so, den dun need me le! Hehe!
Bt really tremendous improvement! Maybe coz boys, reach a certain age den 开窍! Haha! Or under my trg, got improvement! Bt i would tink e first one! Capacity grew! So really happy! :D hhe! A maths will remain a challenge bt if he is willin to work hard, can de! :D hehe!
Yep! :D
& friday mus b compare gerald too much w ginny! Ended up gettin quite pek chek w gerald at tuition coz he was makin e same mistakes, doin e work in all e anyhow ways! Really nearly got 气死 by him!! :/ yep! Really cannot miss too many tuitions! I've A LOT to catch up nw! Nxt wk recess wk, if possible, will ask for another tuition! Waitin for him to tell me wen is his tuition!
Hehe! Another thing is yuxiang has faith in me nw! Like if he has test, he will tell me! He will tell me his results(wen they r good)! Haha! Gerald still dun haf it yet! Of coz it's nt my intention to foster dependence & last min scramble b4 exams! Haha! Bt! At least i m kept in e loop & however last min it is, at least we r doin e 恶补！:P
Yep! Mus tink of how to engage ginny nxt! Coz at least tho yuxiang & gerald can still get me pissed off at times, they r kinda at same line w me le! They r used to my drillin non-stop durin tuition alr! Jus afraid ginny cannot focus! Hmm. Haven't had new tutees for quite some time! So maybe a bit forget hw hard it always gets at e beginnin! Bt i wun give up! A myraid of reasons bt i will try! Hehe! Well, at least she said she dun mind me "punishin" her w extendin tuition! Haha! So meanin i can drill her for as long as i like though tt might mean no pay & also nothin i can "threaten" her with since she dun mind havin extra tuition hours! Heh!
Yep! Hopefully i will b able to overcome the challenges & she will b okay/like my teachin style! Hopefully e experience will b good la! :D bt i will prepare myself for challenges tt might arise! :D
Hehe! Yep! Tuition rantings/updates! Gg for tuition nw is really nt as torturous! Maybe coz of e timing! :D awesome! :D
Hehe! Had a nice talk w pau today! Tho took up her time! Heh! Shared e tb-mate's initiative w her & also other things, shared w her bout cayden & stuff! Told her truthfully tt i m someone who sees things as black & white, in absolute terms! Hehe! & she kinda verbalised e fact tt we r also "schemin" coz we lied to fiona & vivian coz we din tell them we meetin earlier to study & lied to them! Hahaha! I din ask coz i felt tt dabongz will reject & i was kinda lazy? & i tink might nt b effective if too many ppl! Bt i dun tink fiona & vivian r disruptive! Hehe! I tink jus kena rejected too many times/ too many timetable clashes so i din ask la! Haha! Nt blamin others bt it's really not e "har, if ask them den studyin wun b productive" thought! Really nt! I m truthful to myself this time! :D
Hehe! Yep! & maybe i m counterin my fears e way pau does - verbalise them! Hehe! Tt's why i din mind "exposin" my true inner self to pau! Hehe! Yep!
At least i feel tt while i may be irrational in thoughts, i can stay rational wen it comes to behaviour! At least i din scream at dashen(wanted to write i din scorn at her, bt i tink i kinda did! :P), i din tell Esther wat i thot bout cayden tho i really really wanted! Yep! Tho i still aren't rational enuff to control wat i say to dabongz & chongchong wen i share/comment bout dashen & also cannot tell myself to b rational & treat dashen e same, at least wen it has consequences tt involve e rest, like in Esther's impression of Cayden-case, i did control myself!
Yep! & i tink pau will accept me for who i m! Coz most prob she alr saw hw irrational a person i m frm an entire sem of interaction last sem! Hehe! Tt idea of "if she cannot accept, she jus wun b my fren" & if tt is e case, den we aren't fated to b good frens, simple as tt! Hehe! My attitude towards all frens! I jus wun change myself to fit frens unless i tink it's a trait tt is "bad" & ought to b changed! Hehe! & of coz, sayin is easier than doin! So i m inevitably still a biased person who will b more inclined to change to fit some frens than others! :P hehe! Bt basic principles, so far, i've been holdin tight! As to wat it is, i can't pinpoint yet bt i hold strong to my bottomline! At least as of nw! Heh! Dashen jus showed me hw things can change in a wk/a month/ overnight! Yep!
Bt i jus had a good day w pau today, discussin bout issues(tb-mate's initiative, her soci paper & personal issues)! Hehe! & den lecture & dinner tgt plus fiona! :D den collect shirts & den tuition! Not a bad day! :D
Hehe! Bt i tink i've anger management issues! Esp wen i perceive tt someone is hostile towards me! E anger arises coz of defensiveness! Like tt day durin badminton, i got pissed coz i felt tt my sis was unhappy w me makin e mistakes! & den i felt tt tb-mate seems to b like holdin a distaste "attitude" towards me durin e previous meetin, so i got a little aggitated wen sharin my section of e project! & maybe my ashamed-ness coz others seemed to be v well-prepared & haf done their homework! :p hehehe!
Yep! Bt i had an awesome discussion still & w today's discussion w pau, explored issues proper! Hehe! & always v v good to haf 2nd opinions! Hehe! I tried to speak up for my project bt reminded myself nt to b too defensive! Hehe! & i was really open to ideas/critique tho afraid tt e project will sound hollow! E idea of fear of vulnerability bt i wasn't like "all spikes up" mode! :D heeh! Yep!
Anw! Blogged enuff! Time to take a break & haf some stonin time b4 reachin home! :D
Hopefully today's bathin wun b as torturous! :D
Hehe!
Kheng.
Bt really tremendous improvement! Maybe coz boys, reach a certain age den 开窍! Haha! Or under my trg, got improvement! Bt i would tink e first one! Capacity grew! So really happy! :D hhe! A maths will remain a challenge bt if he is willin to work hard, can de! :D hehe!
Yep! :D
& friday mus b compare gerald too much w ginny! Ended up gettin quite pek chek w gerald at tuition coz he was makin e same mistakes, doin e work in all e anyhow ways! Really nearly got 气死 by him!! :/ yep! Really cannot miss too many tuitions! I've A LOT to catch up nw! Nxt wk recess wk, if possible, will ask for another tuition! Waitin for him to tell me wen is his tuition!
Hehe! Another thing is yuxiang has faith in me nw! Like if he has test, he will tell me! He will tell me his results(wen they r good)! Haha! Gerald still dun haf it yet! Of coz it's nt my intention to foster dependence & last min scramble b4 exams! Haha! Bt! At least i m kept in e loop & however last min it is, at least we r doin e 恶补！:P
Yep! Mus tink of how to engage ginny nxt! Coz at least tho yuxiang & gerald can still get me pissed off at times, they r kinda at same line w me le! They r used to my drillin non-stop durin tuition alr! Jus afraid ginny cannot focus! Hmm. Haven't had new tutees for quite some time! So maybe a bit forget hw hard it always gets at e beginnin! Bt i wun give up! A myraid of reasons bt i will try! Hehe! Well, at least she said she dun mind me "punishin" her w extendin tuition! Haha! So meanin i can drill her for as long as i like though tt might mean no pay & also nothin i can "threaten" her with since she dun mind havin extra tuition hours! Heh!
Yep! Hopefully i will b able to overcome the challenges & she will b okay/like my teachin style! Hopefully e experience will b good la! :D bt i will prepare myself for challenges tt might arise! :D
Hehe! Yep! Tuition rantings/updates! Gg for tuition nw is really nt as torturous! Maybe coz of e timing! :D awesome! :D
Hehe! Had a nice talk w pau today! Tho took up her time! Heh! Shared e tb-mate's initiative w her & also other things, shared w her bout cayden & stuff! Told her truthfully tt i m someone who sees things as black & white, in absolute terms! Hehe! & she kinda verbalised e fact tt we r also "schemin" coz we lied to fiona & vivian coz we din tell them we meetin earlier to study & lied to them! Hahaha! I din ask coz i felt tt dabongz will reject & i was kinda lazy? & i tink might nt b effective if too many ppl! Bt i dun tink fiona & vivian r disruptive! Hehe! I tink jus kena rejected too many times/ too many timetable clashes so i din ask la! Haha! Nt blamin others bt it's really not e "har, if ask them den studyin wun b productive" thought! Really nt! I m truthful to myself this time! :D
Hehe! Yep! & maybe i m counterin my fears e way pau does - verbalise them! Hehe! Tt's why i din mind "exposin" my true inner self to pau! Hehe! Yep!
At least i feel tt while i may be irrational in thoughts, i can stay rational wen it comes to behaviour! At least i din scream at dashen(wanted to write i din scorn at her, bt i tink i kinda did! :P), i din tell Esther wat i thot bout cayden tho i really really wanted! Yep! Tho i still aren't rational enuff to control wat i say to dabongz & chongchong wen i share/comment bout dashen & also cannot tell myself to b rational & treat dashen e same, at least wen it has consequences tt involve e rest, like in Esther's impression of Cayden-case, i did control myself!
Yep! & i tink pau will accept me for who i m! Coz most prob she alr saw hw irrational a person i m frm an entire sem of interaction last sem! Hehe! Tt idea of "if she cannot accept, she jus wun b my fren" & if tt is e case, den we aren't fated to b good frens, simple as tt! Hehe! My attitude towards all frens! I jus wun change myself to fit frens unless i tink it's a trait tt is "bad" & ought to b changed! Hehe! & of coz, sayin is easier than doin! So i m inevitably still a biased person who will b more inclined to change to fit some frens than others! :P hehe! Bt basic principles, so far, i've been holdin tight! As to wat it is, i can't pinpoint yet bt i hold strong to my bottomline! At least as of nw! Heh! Dashen jus showed me hw things can change in a wk/a month/ overnight! Yep!
Bt i jus had a good day w pau today, discussin bout issues(tb-mate's initiative, her soci paper & personal issues)! Hehe! & den lecture & dinner tgt plus fiona! :D den collect shirts & den tuition! Not a bad day! :D
Hehe! Bt i tink i've anger management issues! Esp wen i perceive tt someone is hostile towards me! E anger arises coz of defensiveness! Like tt day durin badminton, i got pissed coz i felt tt my sis was unhappy w me makin e mistakes! & den i felt tt tb-mate seems to b like holdin a distaste "attitude" towards me durin e previous meetin, so i got a little aggitated wen sharin my section of e project! & maybe my ashamed-ness coz others seemed to be v well-prepared & haf done their homework! :p hehehe!
Yep! Bt i had an awesome discussion still & w today's discussion w pau, explored issues proper! Hehe! & always v v good to haf 2nd opinions! Hehe! I tried to speak up for my project bt reminded myself nt to b too defensive! Hehe! & i was really open to ideas/critique tho afraid tt e project will sound hollow! E idea of fear of vulnerability bt i wasn't like "all spikes up" mode! :D heeh! Yep!
Anw! Blogged enuff! Time to take a break & haf some stonin time b4 reachin home! :D
Hopefully today's bathin wun b as torturous! :D
Hehe!
Kheng.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
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Omg! Jus heard li qian sing "明天我要嫁给你"! Omg! Jus super touchin! Omg! Really melt! Den thot of esther! Hope one day i will b able to feel this gd fren gg get married feelin! Coz myself nt possible! & i thot of my sis bt she really unlikely to get married! So can only feel such "jie mei" gg get married feelin on frens!
Yep! Still got tong! & maybe my cousins? Hehe! Bt nw they no bf! Except bihong jie, doe & also michelle! Bt theirs like quite stable so wun haf e "finally jia chu qu" feelin! :P for esther is coz like she really suffered a lot of relationship 挫败! :( & i tink she deserves a good marriage! Hehe!
Yep! & for tong is coz i noe she really like invest a lot into this r/s! & coz i feel like her 渴望 & jus feel tt their r/s v sweet! Maybe beginnin only! Haha! Bt my frens all those sweet sweet 小女人 feel!
Bt of coz i dun feel tt for dashen! :/ bt i m less aggitated today! Hehe! Coz esther kinda healed my "lost"! Haha! Nt in replacement k! Esther is a different kind of fren frm dashen! Hehe! Yep! & after so many lessons, i jus keep remindin myself nt to b too sticky to any fren! Yep! & also coz tt night had tt dream bout me gettin on e bus den esther din & i waited for her at e nxt stop bt she took another bus away! Hmm! Maybe i m feelin fears of being abandoned like Cayden? Like internal 挣扎！internal issue! Jus tt i dunno? Hehe! Hmm! Bt anw, Dun feel like mentionin him at all! Hmph! Hopefully mdm chia's son, cayden dun grow up to be like tt!
Yep! Dun like e idea of him gg to @27 to pollute esther! Hmph! Dun like it wen esther thinks he is quite a nice person! Hmm! It's jus like ur good fren thinks highly of someone u dislike! Bt i also dun wan esther to hate him! They gg b colleagues after all! Yep! & i cannot impose my judgment on others! There still remains a possibility tt it is me who is prejudiced!
Yep! Bt my point is i love e interaction w Esther! Bt esther isn't a replacement for dashen! & i will still remind myself esther is jus a fren! A good fren! Bt cannot expect too much! Nt jus her! Jus cannot expect too much frm anyone! Jus afraid i will become too reliant on her! Hehe! Esp wen she shared so much w me over e past wk & e trust tt we put in each other! & partly also coz i fell den she put a check on me on my injury! Got big sister feel! She cannot be my "gugu" la coz she dun look old at all! & actually she same age as my sup! Or jus one yr older! She jus keep sayin things to make me tink she v old! Aiyo! Yep! & also coz she shared w me bout her "gugu" experiences! So really got e big, reliable sister feel!
Yep! & dashen really is 越陷越深！i jus hope they r/s can "spread more evenly" & be less extreme! & no matter wat, they will b able to take it/be happy...... & nt lose their frens! I mean! I hope dashen dun lose her frens!
Really dilemma! I really hope to prove tt our judgment is right - tt cayden is too immature.. Bt of coz i dun wan to pray/curse them to break! So really dilemma! Bt of coz it's nt up to me to control! & i will nv b so evil to curse them to break! Tho if bein tgt is harmful, hopin for them to break isn't evil! Bt nt up to me to judge if they will end up well! Bt i jus wun curse anyone! Yep!
& jus hope they can b happy! Bt i alr kinda convince myself or rather allow myself to freely feel tt things will nv become e same no matter wat happens! Yep! Whether i talk to dashen or not, whether they end up tgt or not! So it's jus bout moderatin myself & managin it! Yep!
& i jus hope tt Cayden dun pollute my dear Esther! If esther thinks he is 大好人，i will b v hurt! Wah! I m even more afraid he will badmouth me in front of Esther! Bt i shld haf faith in Esther's ability to tell good guy frm bad guy & her ability to tell whether wat he says is right or not! Coz she got a lot of experience & she is 神婆 like chongchong! & she could tell at once bout dashen & cayden(though i mus say e 2 of them nv hide v well/din even attempt to hide)! Bt i jus tink cayden is nt easy! So i a bit scared! Bt if ester so easily misled, den i tink i will haf nth to say also! Bt anw, dun tink cayden will b interested to target esther also! He is most prob only interested in pollutin dashen! Hehe! Yep! Bt anw, i m nt interested in hw he is like! Nor dashen! For dashen, i will only "come to life" wen she is down! Wen she falls! Yep!
Bt i mus say "i have faith in Esther!" hahah! Actually i've doubts! Bt i'll jus choose to believe her! Hehe! Coz if she chooses to nt trust me coz of him, den is she no judgment den i also cannot do anythin! Hehe! If there's no trust, den no point! Haha! Bt i'm sayin this coz i wan to say tt i dun haf absolute confidence tt ppl will trust me, bt i hope & still haf a little faith in Esther! Hehe! Like insult to her! "a little faith"! Bt seein e way dashen jumped into it.... Hmm. Of coz esther is more experienced la, bt maybe she wun 防 him? Haha. Bt dun tink too much! Haha! I siao!
Yep! Haha! Nw i open mouth close mouth also esther! Coz she makes me feel loved, feel impt & we've e mutual trust! Hehe! After noe-in her background, i mus admit she became more "precious" & i had e feelin she is like "more hard to reach", nt in terms like she is more dao1 or 高高在上, bt jus a fact tt she is not a commoner! Bt i really haf no interest in gettin to noe her family! I've no ulterior motive! I jus treat her e way i used to treat Esther THE SOCIAL WORKER! Yep! Hehe! This i noe can le! :D hehe! Bt no matter wat, mus still draw e line! I cannot become too reliant on anyone!
Hehe! Yep! :D bt really happy tt i jus grew a bit more closer to Esther over e past wk! Hehe! Yep!
Bt i'm also really afraid tt it will end up like e friendship i've w dashen! Haiz! Really heart-broken! Bt 顺其自然！yep!
Mus say again, i m really blessed! To haf gone to such an awesome attachment place! Known so many nice ppl, seniors, social workers, sup & internship frens! <3 so blessed! Shld b a good anchor point in terms of support i've for my future endeavours!
Really blessed! Thank God!
<3
Kheng.
Yep! Still got tong! & maybe my cousins? Hehe! Bt nw they no bf! Except bihong jie, doe & also michelle! Bt theirs like quite stable so wun haf e "finally jia chu qu" feelin! :P for esther is coz like she really suffered a lot of relationship 挫败! :( & i tink she deserves a good marriage! Hehe!
Yep! & for tong is coz i noe she really like invest a lot into this r/s! & coz i feel like her 渴望 & jus feel tt their r/s v sweet! Maybe beginnin only! Haha! Bt my frens all those sweet sweet 小女人 feel!
Bt of coz i dun feel tt for dashen! :/ bt i m less aggitated today! Hehe! Coz esther kinda healed my "lost"! Haha! Nt in replacement k! Esther is a different kind of fren frm dashen! Hehe! Yep! & after so many lessons, i jus keep remindin myself nt to b too sticky to any fren! Yep! & also coz tt night had tt dream bout me gettin on e bus den esther din & i waited for her at e nxt stop bt she took another bus away! Hmm! Maybe i m feelin fears of being abandoned like Cayden? Like internal 挣扎！internal issue! Jus tt i dunno? Hehe! Hmm! Bt anw, Dun feel like mentionin him at all! Hmph! Hopefully mdm chia's son, cayden dun grow up to be like tt!
Yep! Dun like e idea of him gg to @27 to pollute esther! Hmph! Dun like it wen esther thinks he is quite a nice person! Hmm! It's jus like ur good fren thinks highly of someone u dislike! Bt i also dun wan esther to hate him! They gg b colleagues after all! Yep! & i cannot impose my judgment on others! There still remains a possibility tt it is me who is prejudiced!
Yep! Bt my point is i love e interaction w Esther! Bt esther isn't a replacement for dashen! & i will still remind myself esther is jus a fren! A good fren! Bt cannot expect too much! Nt jus her! Jus cannot expect too much frm anyone! Jus afraid i will become too reliant on her! Hehe! Esp wen she shared so much w me over e past wk & e trust tt we put in each other! & partly also coz i fell den she put a check on me on my injury! Got big sister feel! She cannot be my "gugu" la coz she dun look old at all! & actually she same age as my sup! Or jus one yr older! She jus keep sayin things to make me tink she v old! Aiyo! Yep! & also coz she shared w me bout her "gugu" experiences! So really got e big, reliable sister feel!
Yep! & dashen really is 越陷越深！i jus hope they r/s can "spread more evenly" & be less extreme! & no matter wat, they will b able to take it/be happy...... & nt lose their frens! I mean! I hope dashen dun lose her frens!
Really dilemma! I really hope to prove tt our judgment is right - tt cayden is too immature.. Bt of coz i dun wan to pray/curse them to break! So really dilemma! Bt of coz it's nt up to me to control! & i will nv b so evil to curse them to break! Tho if bein tgt is harmful, hopin for them to break isn't evil! Bt nt up to me to judge if they will end up well! Bt i jus wun curse anyone! Yep!
& jus hope they can b happy! Bt i alr kinda convince myself or rather allow myself to freely feel tt things will nv become e same no matter wat happens! Yep! Whether i talk to dashen or not, whether they end up tgt or not! So it's jus bout moderatin myself & managin it! Yep!
& i jus hope tt Cayden dun pollute my dear Esther! If esther thinks he is 大好人，i will b v hurt! Wah! I m even more afraid he will badmouth me in front of Esther! Bt i shld haf faith in Esther's ability to tell good guy frm bad guy & her ability to tell whether wat he says is right or not! Coz she got a lot of experience & she is 神婆 like chongchong! & she could tell at once bout dashen & cayden(though i mus say e 2 of them nv hide v well/din even attempt to hide)! Bt i jus tink cayden is nt easy! So i a bit scared! Bt if ester so easily misled, den i tink i will haf nth to say also! Bt anw, dun tink cayden will b interested to target esther also! He is most prob only interested in pollutin dashen! Hehe! Yep! Bt anw, i m nt interested in hw he is like! Nor dashen! For dashen, i will only "come to life" wen she is down! Wen she falls! Yep!
Bt i mus say "i have faith in Esther!" hahah! Actually i've doubts! Bt i'll jus choose to believe her! Hehe! Coz if she chooses to nt trust me coz of him, den is she no judgment den i also cannot do anythin! Hehe! If there's no trust, den no point! Haha! Bt i'm sayin this coz i wan to say tt i dun haf absolute confidence tt ppl will trust me, bt i hope & still haf a little faith in Esther! Hehe! Like insult to her! "a little faith"! Bt seein e way dashen jumped into it.... Hmm. Of coz esther is more experienced la, bt maybe she wun 防 him? Haha. Bt dun tink too much! Haha! I siao!
Yep! Haha! Nw i open mouth close mouth also esther! Coz she makes me feel loved, feel impt & we've e mutual trust! Hehe! After noe-in her background, i mus admit she became more "precious" & i had e feelin she is like "more hard to reach", nt in terms like she is more dao1 or 高高在上, bt jus a fact tt she is not a commoner! Bt i really haf no interest in gettin to noe her family! I've no ulterior motive! I jus treat her e way i used to treat Esther THE SOCIAL WORKER! Yep! Hehe! This i noe can le! :D hehe! Bt no matter wat, mus still draw e line! I cannot become too reliant on anyone!
Hehe! Yep! :D bt really happy tt i jus grew a bit more closer to Esther over e past wk! Hehe! Yep!
Bt i'm also really afraid tt it will end up like e friendship i've w dashen! Haiz! Really heart-broken! Bt 顺其自然！yep!
Mus say again, i m really blessed! To haf gone to such an awesome attachment place! Known so many nice ppl, seniors, social workers, sup & internship frens! <3 so blessed! Shld b a good anchor point in terms of support i've for my future endeavours!
Really blessed! Thank God!
<3
Kheng.
Friday, February 10, 2012
:(
At first wen my sis scolded me idiot for fallin down, i felt tt it was v sweet! Coz i felt tt tt was out of concern! Bt den she made comments which made me feel tt she really dun understan wat i m feelin!
Haiz! She asked me nt to go out coz i said i no choice bt to haf tuition only at this time! & she said if nt dun tuition! Give up e money! Yes, it is bout e money! Bt also bout responsibility! She also dunno i dun go for one tuition, i've hw much to catch up! Haiz!
Like i noe i will fall down like tt! I noe her point of askin me nt to run after bus la, bt dun go for tuition really is ?! So disappointing! I still thot my sis has became a lot sweeter & will go like "kheng, why u so dumb?" bt w a super concerned tone! Seems like i still dunno my sis well enuff! I noe good advice, bt other than e not running, e others really is like....
Haiz! Nt i wan to compare, bt e way Esther & Deborah responded, definitely brought me more relief to my pain! Haiz! Bt i noe this is my sis! & i cannot compare such stuff! She is still my sis! Yep! Cannot be compared this way!
Haiz! Bt i really quite upset! I din even cry though i was v touched jus nw! Bt wen she said e stuff, i cried lo! Haiz!
Kheng.
Haiz! She asked me nt to go out coz i said i no choice bt to haf tuition only at this time! & she said if nt dun tuition! Give up e money! Yes, it is bout e money! Bt also bout responsibility! She also dunno i dun go for one tuition, i've hw much to catch up! Haiz!
Like i noe i will fall down like tt! I noe her point of askin me nt to run after bus la, bt dun go for tuition really is ?! So disappointing! I still thot my sis has became a lot sweeter & will go like "kheng, why u so dumb?" bt w a super concerned tone! Seems like i still dunno my sis well enuff! I noe good advice, bt other than e not running, e others really is like....
Haiz! Nt i wan to compare, bt e way Esther & Deborah responded, definitely brought me more relief to my pain! Haiz! Bt i noe this is my sis! & i cannot compare such stuff! She is still my sis! Yep! Cannot be compared this way!
Haiz! Bt i really quite upset! I din even cry though i was v touched jus nw! Bt wen she said e stuff, i cried lo! Haiz!
Kheng.
Pain pain! :(
Pain! 😭😭😭 really freaking pain! Nv fell so jiatlat jiatlat for ages le! :((
Jus nw was textin esther den was thinkin whether to tell her i fell or not! Den was thinkin ltr tmr she see den ask den scold me y i fall down nv tell her! So i told het! Den she asked me qn den i nv reply coz was cleanin my wound den she called!
& all her "aiyo aiyo" & den "u take cab home nw tmr claim frm me"... Made me so touched! & i really din wan to make her worried bt was so painful tt wen she asked, i really jus had to ans truthfully to help reduce e physical pain!! :/
& after tt felt like cryin coz really v v pain! Even nw! Bt couldn't! Coz cannot b so weak! & wen ppl. 嘘寒问暖 like Wat esther did, i really felt like i could cry, coz someone will protect me!! Hahaha! Tt kind of vulnerable so can cry feelin! 😭😭😭
Den told deborah coz laughed too much at her jus nw! :P & told pau also! Cox i always feel like i can go "pau.... I..... 😭😭😭" & couldn't tell bongz coz she also busy w her things.. Hehe
Yep! In short! It is really v painful nw! I hope no infection! & v scared bout e pain ltr wen e wounds touch water!!' :// haix:(
Bt Esther really made me feel v touched!!!!! 😭😭😭 & i quite like this feelin of bein protected tho i wun deliberately go injure myself to hear such sweet comments!!
Yep!! I mus b a good worker in future, makee client sense my concern! Jus nw Esther's "aiyo" & "mus b v painful" really made me feel tt someone understands & was sharin my pain!! 😭😭😭
Touched max! Thanks Esther!! <3
Jus nw was textin esther den was thinkin whether to tell her i fell or not! Den was thinkin ltr tmr she see den ask den scold me y i fall down nv tell her! So i told het! Den she asked me qn den i nv reply coz was cleanin my wound den she called!
& all her "aiyo aiyo" & den "u take cab home nw tmr claim frm me"... Made me so touched! & i really din wan to make her worried bt was so painful tt wen she asked, i really jus had to ans truthfully to help reduce e physical pain!! :/
& after tt felt like cryin coz really v v pain! Even nw! Bt couldn't! Coz cannot b so weak! & wen ppl. 嘘寒问暖 like Wat esther did, i really felt like i could cry, coz someone will protect me!! Hahaha! Tt kind of vulnerable so can cry feelin! 😭😭😭
Den told deborah coz laughed too much at her jus nw! :P & told pau also! Cox i always feel like i can go "pau.... I..... 😭😭😭" & couldn't tell bongz coz she also busy w her things.. Hehe
Yep! In short! It is really v painful nw! I hope no infection! & v scared bout e pain ltr wen e wounds touch water!!' :// haix:(
Bt Esther really made me feel v touched!!!!! 😭😭😭 & i quite like this feelin of bein protected tho i wun deliberately go injure myself to hear such sweet comments!!
Yep!! I mus b a good worker in future, makee client sense my concern! Jus nw Esther's "aiyo" & "mus b v painful" really made me feel tt someone understands & was sharin my pain!! 😭😭😭
Touched max! Thanks Esther!! <3
Hmm..
Hmm.. Really nt easy! Jiatlat! It is a whole new set of challenges as i tweeted! Hmm.. I m a little scared, coz ginny gives me e feelin tt there is this rebellious streak in her.. Hmm. I tink everyone has it in them! Even yuxiang wen i first taught him.. Hmm.. Bt it's different coz this is esther's niece.. I've pressure leh.. Coz 认识的嘛! Hmm.. If i dun produce results, i will b stressed de leh.. & of coz coz ginny will tell esther bout things, so not only mus teach, mus take care of moral education also.. Wah.. Nt tt i dun educate my other tutees morally also la.. Bt it's jus different., hmm...
Bt i noe la.. It's too late to b thinkin bout such issues nw! Pretty obvious her weakness is w application, so i shld get some assessment books to train her on tt! Hmm..
Bt i m more worried bout wat if she dun listen/do her work.. Like other tutees, sometimes i close one eye.. Bt i v scared tt esther will say i too lenient w her!
Goodness.. Wah biang! In distress nw! After every first tuition, i m always in such stages! Maybe coz first tuition always runs v smoothly, & i always get e feelin tt my tutee noes all tt's needed, bt like gerald, it will only show w time! Hmm...
Assessment books definitely need to b ready by nxt wk! If nt i really wonder wat will i b doin nxt tuition! Hmm..
Lol! Esther called! :/ & there goes my blog post! Bt after talkin to her, i feel better! Hehe! Coz seems like she is nt expectin a lot for ginny! Hehe! BUT! I will still do my best! At least she has to make it! My target is still an A! Bt i will see hw it goes!
Hmm. Sounds like she has a lot of assessment books le leh! Dun tink i wan to go & buy somemore! Nxt wk i go test test her first! Hmm..
Wah! Thank god for esther's call! If nt i will b in this super low mood! Jus nw after tuition, i really had the "gg for gerald's tuition is such a bliss" feelin! Hahahah!
Bt nw i feel better.. Hmm.. Ginny is bein bullied in sch.. Hmm. I get this feelin tt in order for her to survive, she has to b rebellious! Imagine a teacher's pet among a grp of ah lian?! Hmm.. Is there any way i can haf her nt try to pretend v hard to b an ah lian wen she is havin tuition w me? Hmm.. I m jus thinkin of lettin her b herself? & if she is easy to work w, i m gg to haf an easier time!
Hmm.. A lot of pre-conceptions le! I will see hw it goes for e nxt few wks first! Bt at least i dun feel e tremendous pressure "from" esther & e fear of ginny being super hard to teach wen i put things into perspective! Hmm..
Yep! Ok! At least i m relieved nw! :D
Ok! :D
Jus nw went to dabongz's mum's wake, had e feelin she was avoiding my glance again! Worried tt i did sth to make her nt wan to make contact w me! Like, go too many times? My whatsapp last nite bout me gettin e timin of dashen's decision to go HK wrong? Really dunno why, bt wen i see tt 闪shuo(?) glance, i dun dare to ask further or communicate further! Coz i really scared tt i might b e one whom she doesn't wan to speak to! Karma frm hw i felt towards others in e past! :P hehehe!
Yep! Bt i told myself nt to tink too much! & e "what's e worst scenerio possible?" again! So i told myself jus b a supportin fren lo, like e few wks b4 this, dabongz sometimes also nv reply my whatsapp (enthu). Bt all i know is wen things happened, at least she still treated me as a good fren!
Yep! & after tt i asked, she told me her feelings! So i tink still ok! :P shld b not my fault? Hehe! Bt i felt relieved! Hehe! & thank god marian was w me wen we left, so i din tink too much! Hehe! Yep!
Hopefully dabongz will b strong! Sun i will nt go over i tink! After chongchong's question-"reminder"! Yep! Bt i will b on whatsapp! Yep!
Jiayou friend! <3
Yep! I need guidance/stimulus to help myself get out of e "think-too-much-ness"! Hmm.. Be it talkin to marian, esther's call! Hmm..
Yep! At least tmr feels like a relax day for me! Even now! Dinner w 6H, den a less challenging(hopefully i wun b a 乌鸦嘴!) tuition! Hehe! & tmr can go out crap w esther! Relax! She needs find articles for her paper! Haha! I dun need! :p heheheh! No la, i will still look for helpful articles maybe? Hehe! & badminton at night! :D is sun e meetin! Dun feel e extreme enthusiasm to b plannin this prog! Hehe! Bt i told tb-mate i will still join coz if nt i will b wastin my time also! Plus this is really meaningful! Hehe! I hope! :D
Yep! & it is jus RELIEF after hist test was over! I behavin like end of finals can! Hahah!
Yep! Bt anw, life looks good nw! Bt i gotta start studyin & doin my assignment SOON man! :P hehe!
Bt at least mood nw is good! :P jiayou kheng! :D
Kheng.
Bt i noe la.. It's too late to b thinkin bout such issues nw! Pretty obvious her weakness is w application, so i shld get some assessment books to train her on tt! Hmm..
Bt i m more worried bout wat if she dun listen/do her work.. Like other tutees, sometimes i close one eye.. Bt i v scared tt esther will say i too lenient w her!
Goodness.. Wah biang! In distress nw! After every first tuition, i m always in such stages! Maybe coz first tuition always runs v smoothly, & i always get e feelin tt my tutee noes all tt's needed, bt like gerald, it will only show w time! Hmm...
Assessment books definitely need to b ready by nxt wk! If nt i really wonder wat will i b doin nxt tuition! Hmm..
Lol! Esther called! :/ & there goes my blog post! Bt after talkin to her, i feel better! Hehe! Coz seems like she is nt expectin a lot for ginny! Hehe! BUT! I will still do my best! At least she has to make it! My target is still an A! Bt i will see hw it goes!
Hmm. Sounds like she has a lot of assessment books le leh! Dun tink i wan to go & buy somemore! Nxt wk i go test test her first! Hmm..
Wah! Thank god for esther's call! If nt i will b in this super low mood! Jus nw after tuition, i really had the "gg for gerald's tuition is such a bliss" feelin! Hahahah!
Bt nw i feel better.. Hmm.. Ginny is bein bullied in sch.. Hmm. I get this feelin tt in order for her to survive, she has to b rebellious! Imagine a teacher's pet among a grp of ah lian?! Hmm.. Is there any way i can haf her nt try to pretend v hard to b an ah lian wen she is havin tuition w me? Hmm.. I m jus thinkin of lettin her b herself? & if she is easy to work w, i m gg to haf an easier time!
Hmm.. A lot of pre-conceptions le! I will see hw it goes for e nxt few wks first! Bt at least i dun feel e tremendous pressure "from" esther & e fear of ginny being super hard to teach wen i put things into perspective! Hmm..
Yep! Ok! At least i m relieved nw! :D
Ok! :D
Jus nw went to dabongz's mum's wake, had e feelin she was avoiding my glance again! Worried tt i did sth to make her nt wan to make contact w me! Like, go too many times? My whatsapp last nite bout me gettin e timin of dashen's decision to go HK wrong? Really dunno why, bt wen i see tt 闪shuo(?) glance, i dun dare to ask further or communicate further! Coz i really scared tt i might b e one whom she doesn't wan to speak to! Karma frm hw i felt towards others in e past! :P hehehe!
Yep! Bt i told myself nt to tink too much! & e "what's e worst scenerio possible?" again! So i told myself jus b a supportin fren lo, like e few wks b4 this, dabongz sometimes also nv reply my whatsapp (enthu). Bt all i know is wen things happened, at least she still treated me as a good fren!
Yep! & after tt i asked, she told me her feelings! So i tink still ok! :P shld b not my fault? Hehe! Bt i felt relieved! Hehe! & thank god marian was w me wen we left, so i din tink too much! Hehe! Yep!
Hopefully dabongz will b strong! Sun i will nt go over i tink! After chongchong's question-"reminder"! Yep! Bt i will b on whatsapp! Yep!
Jiayou friend! <3
Yep! I need guidance/stimulus to help myself get out of e "think-too-much-ness"! Hmm.. Be it talkin to marian, esther's call! Hmm..
Yep! At least tmr feels like a relax day for me! Even now! Dinner w 6H, den a less challenging(hopefully i wun b a 乌鸦嘴!) tuition! Hehe! & tmr can go out crap w esther! Relax! She needs find articles for her paper! Haha! I dun need! :p heheheh! No la, i will still look for helpful articles maybe? Hehe! & badminton at night! :D is sun e meetin! Dun feel e extreme enthusiasm to b plannin this prog! Hehe! Bt i told tb-mate i will still join coz if nt i will b wastin my time also! Plus this is really meaningful! Hehe! I hope! :D
Yep! & it is jus RELIEF after hist test was over! I behavin like end of finals can! Hahah!
Yep! Bt anw, life looks good nw! Bt i gotta start studyin & doin my assignment SOON man! :P hehe!
Bt at least mood nw is good! :P jiayou kheng! :D
Kheng.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Get out of this!
Hmm! I need to get out of this cycle!!! Haiz! Jus nw chongchong said, "why dashen nv tell e others?".... Ya lo! I shld haf insisted on sayin rite? 过不了自己那一关！如果当时不那么幼稚就好！
Haiz! This makes me feel e need to take responsibility! If i tell dashen everythin, will it change her decision?
In comparison, dabongz like so much more mature! I m so 幼稚！
Hmm. & now after talkin, i dun feel like studyin! Hmm.. Tt's why i came to blog! Coz after sayin, i will feel better & more in position to study!
Yep! I cannot give up on dashen! I've no right to do so! Haiz.. Why did i land yaelf in such a situation? Coz i wasn't mature enuff! To analyse e situation & everythin! Yep! Get out of this cycle! & move on kheng! Yep!
Jus rmb tt u can b angry & rant, wen u see chongchong, see sup, see dabongz... Bt u cannot give up on dashen! Coz u've no right to do so! Hmm..
Actually i also v naive! E evian drink shld b for myself!
Yep!
I tink i m seein some light! Towards hw i can balance up myself & perhaps doin sth to 弥补！hmm..
Kheng.
Takin responsibility for ur mistake/kapo-ness/immaturity! Yep! Doin somethin! Not jus sittin here & pointin fingers/lamenting! Yep! 😄
Haiz! This makes me feel e need to take responsibility! If i tell dashen everythin, will it change her decision?
In comparison, dabongz like so much more mature! I m so 幼稚！
Hmm. & now after talkin, i dun feel like studyin! Hmm.. Tt's why i came to blog! Coz after sayin, i will feel better & more in position to study!
Yep! I cannot give up on dashen! I've no right to do so! Haiz.. Why did i land yaelf in such a situation? Coz i wasn't mature enuff! To analyse e situation & everythin! Yep! Get out of this cycle! & move on kheng! Yep!
Jus rmb tt u can b angry & rant, wen u see chongchong, see sup, see dabongz... Bt u cannot give up on dashen! Coz u've no right to do so! Hmm..
Actually i also v naive! E evian drink shld b for myself!
Yep!
I tink i m seein some light! Towards hw i can balance up myself & perhaps doin sth to 弥补！hmm..
Kheng.
Takin responsibility for ur mistake/kapo-ness/immaturity! Yep! Doin somethin! Not jus sittin here & pointin fingers/lamenting! Yep! 😄
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