hehe. finally a nice n happy post after a few emo ones! hahaha. i'm v excited nw, lookin at e state of e book i'm making for tong! hahaha. 3 more pages n i'm done w it! n it's e last few pages, so in front really looks glam n nice!:D hehehe. yep. n later tard gng finish her page, i'll help mat finish hers by fillin in e english lyrics n e photos. haha. woo! quoting frm mat: "WOW!"
hahaha. yep. n jus nw was spammin tong w e internet sms till i reached e max of 20sms per receipient per day! hahahaha. yep. bt happy!:D hehee. tong is still dere for me(: haha. so happy lo!:P haha. shuang:P
n yest really had a fun time w mat. haha. lookin at her japan photos. somehow it didn't seem like a strain n i really enjoyed gng thru her travelling photos w her. maybe coz each day's photos nt a lot. really nice. n she added some story here n dere. yep. so it's really fun(: haha. i'm glad mat is happy in poly n she's still who she is. nv change much. still cute n adorable n sweet! hahaha.
jus tt today wen fy showed me e present mat brought frm japan i was spammin words like dunno wat. haha. coz tt present is like so rubbish! hahahaha. bt after a while, i was okay w it! hahaha. n it's really quite cute come to think of it!:P hehee.
yep. n today went w fh walkin ard to buy ch's present also. n also to buy tt earring yj liked. haha. jus tt mama king was damn funny, say tt's a necklace thru e sms? hahaha. yep. crazy la e 2 of us. jus walkin ard n laming. bt.. happy(: haha.
n today b4 we left sch, also stood at canteen dere n talked w fy, fh n yj. haha. jus a little while. bt also. happy(: haha. maybe v long nv e 4 of us only le. haha. miss e times in RV. if given a chance, i guess i wld noe better hw to appreciate them ba. bt at least i sort of like learnt my lesson, n e lost time w them shall be e greatest thing to remind me always to appreciate my friends n noe tt they're always there! yep.
haha. den hargao n hotdog v nice also. took 171 w me den went orchard to watch movies while i headed 4 tiong to meet jie for lunch. haha. she's super late. bt i understand(: haha. tho it's like travelling all e way to tiong to meet her den after tt all e way to jp to meet mama king. it's alright coz i really enjoy e company of all these ppl. haha. n jus nw also talked a while w ka on e phone. haha. so enjoyable! haha.
starting to really love my friends n family members! hahaha. n this love n appreciation thingy came frm my sis n bro coz i really had a lot of happy n fun times crapping w them, n it's really a wonderful thing to haf ppl loving me! hahaha. yep. n it's great to be e youngest! hahaha.
yep yep. v happy nw(: haha. i hope later gift's meetin isn't gng to be a disappoinment or like sian or demoralising or unhappy meetin.hehe. yep. n looking forward to seein tard too! i'm glad tard still sms-es me wen things like a trc sayin she's rude n keeps makin personal attacks at her, happen, she still sms-es n tells me(: haha. tard's nice! we're forever tards!:D hahaha. yep.
kk. maybe i shld start preparing to go out. hehee.
looking forward to gng out w tong on mon n seeing her happy, touched, stunned face wen i give her e song/photos book!:D hehee.
kheng loves her friends, esp her buddies n her family!:D
n perhaps this is e rare few moments tt i dun care bout being 1st or 2nd n being 2nd also can be enjoyable. yep. n i dun mean 2nd in results or achievements, i'm nt THAT competitive. haha.
kheng(:
29/05/09
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
bad gal yest
well. yest was really throwing tantrums. was quite sad wen tong said she couldn't go out w me this sun coz tt wld mean i wun be able to pass her e lyrics/pictures book on e "19th" day. so i was like quite sian. den i think it's e fact tt she's gng out w soccer again. oh man. nt tt she cannot go out w them. bt she's always w them den it's like e feel tt soccer is more impt than us. i noe it's jus perception la. coz obviously soccer made e arrangement first n if it's me, it's harder to org n go out as a grp so i wld probably rearrange e 2ppl meet up n give priority for e grp outing. bt dunno leh. jus dunno why v emo den jus sian.
yep. den i started to pout n emo all e way till i slp. man. yep. n it's like i also gave her book's yest's pg a miss coz it's like since i can't pass her on thurs den lose meaning le. actually it's jus coz i treated it as like a "punishment" since she can't be free. sounds v illogical to me. women are jus hard to understand at times. even i dun understand myself at times tho most of e time i noe jolly well wat i wan n wat i think.
yep. n it's like i feel e way i felt wen handling my friendship w fy they all coz i felt tt they r v busy w new stuff n like always busy to mingle w me n i dun see myself as impt to them anymore. yep. after so much "misery"(both for myself n making them suffer too) i finally 'gave' it up n left it to fate to see if our friendship was meant to last while telling myself tt i expected too much until recently den i realised tt e friendship did nt bian4 zhi, it's only my perception of e friendship n i'm glad tt at least i still can 'enjoy' e friendship for another half a year b4 we go separate ways n really leave our friendship to e test of time. yep.
n i didn't wan my friendship w tong to become like dis. she's e fren i trust most n i believe her so much n rely on her so much. i dun wan to be dere feeling uncertain whether m i still an impt fren to her anot n all tt. it's like so tiring. man. yep. n i can't believe tt i actually had tt kind of sian feeling coz tong has nv made me doubt her sincerity n commitment to be my fren n my good fren. yep.
n well today was jus sian, didn't even talk to her or anythin until at bus stop she came n scare me again. std de. if tong is to appear in front of me, it wld be frm behind n a loud one tt will make me jump. std de. unless ppl like like aq n zeni waved to her or told me tt she's walkin over. yep. n talk talk den feel a better le.
perception.
it's again perception.
i mus nt let this perception lead my mind to wander n make me zuan1 niu jiao3 jian1 to e state where i give up on e friendship for no reason, make myself so unhappy n find out tt i've missed out so much jus coz of my "wrong" perception. yep. fy's tt lost time n happy moments is enough punishment n once is enough alr. furthermore tong's friendship is sth tt i do nt wan to miss/lose/sacrifice.
yep. n nw i also dunno. still insecurity n uncertainty. bt i noe v well tong wun be free all e time de. n i dun haf any intention or wants of stickin to her all e time. yep. jus tt hopefully she'll be free occassionally n go out w me ba. yao4 zhi1 zhu.
yep. n yest really was throwin trantrums. jus to myself. bt like wat guo1 shu1 xian2 said in shu1 bao1 tai4 zhong4, in bad mood can jus flare up n vent anger, bt shld noe when to stop n noe where're e limits. yep. so i'm glad tt i didn't vent it on others(i hope) n today i kind of like still was okay except being extremely sian during hist make-up frm 1-4pm. yep.
n sian. this morn miss lim's sms was like so reprimanding n demoralising again. man. bt lucky no more CIP till nxt term(: yep. buck up nxt term(:
kk. suddenly wan to watch man u VS barcelona's match! haha. i hope man u win n win e title consecutively for e 2nd year!:D
kheng(:
28/05/09
0309h
yep. den i started to pout n emo all e way till i slp. man. yep. n it's like i also gave her book's yest's pg a miss coz it's like since i can't pass her on thurs den lose meaning le. actually it's jus coz i treated it as like a "punishment" since she can't be free. sounds v illogical to me. women are jus hard to understand at times. even i dun understand myself at times tho most of e time i noe jolly well wat i wan n wat i think.
yep. n it's like i feel e way i felt wen handling my friendship w fy they all coz i felt tt they r v busy w new stuff n like always busy to mingle w me n i dun see myself as impt to them anymore. yep. after so much "misery"(both for myself n making them suffer too) i finally 'gave' it up n left it to fate to see if our friendship was meant to last while telling myself tt i expected too much until recently den i realised tt e friendship did nt bian4 zhi, it's only my perception of e friendship n i'm glad tt at least i still can 'enjoy' e friendship for another half a year b4 we go separate ways n really leave our friendship to e test of time. yep.
n i didn't wan my friendship w tong to become like dis. she's e fren i trust most n i believe her so much n rely on her so much. i dun wan to be dere feeling uncertain whether m i still an impt fren to her anot n all tt. it's like so tiring. man. yep. n i can't believe tt i actually had tt kind of sian feeling coz tong has nv made me doubt her sincerity n commitment to be my fren n my good fren. yep.
n well today was jus sian, didn't even talk to her or anythin until at bus stop she came n scare me again. std de. if tong is to appear in front of me, it wld be frm behind n a loud one tt will make me jump. std de. unless ppl like like aq n zeni waved to her or told me tt she's walkin over. yep. n talk talk den feel a better le.
perception.
it's again perception.
i mus nt let this perception lead my mind to wander n make me zuan1 niu jiao3 jian1 to e state where i give up on e friendship for no reason, make myself so unhappy n find out tt i've missed out so much jus coz of my "wrong" perception. yep. fy's tt lost time n happy moments is enough punishment n once is enough alr. furthermore tong's friendship is sth tt i do nt wan to miss/lose/sacrifice.
yep. n nw i also dunno. still insecurity n uncertainty. bt i noe v well tong wun be free all e time de. n i dun haf any intention or wants of stickin to her all e time. yep. jus tt hopefully she'll be free occassionally n go out w me ba. yao4 zhi1 zhu.
yep. n yest really was throwin trantrums. jus to myself. bt like wat guo1 shu1 xian2 said in shu1 bao1 tai4 zhong4, in bad mood can jus flare up n vent anger, bt shld noe when to stop n noe where're e limits. yep. so i'm glad tt i didn't vent it on others(i hope) n today i kind of like still was okay except being extremely sian during hist make-up frm 1-4pm. yep.
n sian. this morn miss lim's sms was like so reprimanding n demoralising again. man. bt lucky no more CIP till nxt term(: yep. buck up nxt term(:
kk. suddenly wan to watch man u VS barcelona's match! haha. i hope man u win n win e title consecutively for e 2nd year!:D
kheng(:
28/05/09
0309h
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
:(
hmm. i'm throwing tantrums now. behaving like a big missy. jus tt it's only to myself. nt happy! so shall nt do tong's book! shld "punish" her. anw who tell her to be nt free on sun. bleh. haiz. sian. perhaps i really can't settle for 2nd best. nt sayin tt she's 2nd best. jus sth tt i dun haf e mood to explain nw. or rather dun feel like explaining. anw it's for self-read.
yep. i dunno hw to help him. i feel bad for being so impatient. wah. tho i nv show it out. bt by nt doin anythin, i think i'm being v mean. oh man. bt i really feel v helpless n sian. it's really a big big sian feeling tho i noe i shldn't be like this. haiz. feels like i'm speakin like fann! haha.
yep. i dun wan this wu nai4-ness! wah!!!!!!!!! rants!!!!!!!!!!!
yep. i shall ignore all tt evil person's sms tho i dun think i'll receive anythin!
tired!
i wan a break!
i dun wan to receive scolding smses frm miss lim anymore!!
can my phone jus stop giving me prob?
can't believe i wan to cry again!
actually also nt again.
coz i've been living quite happily for e recent while.
man! my throat is feelin tight again!
izzit tt e blood vessels there are cloggin?
m i gng to die?
die also good. i can increase my worth.
man. i'm talkin like a depressed person who seems to be gettin into shit in all areas of life.
m i one of e teenagers who think v negatively bout stuff?
m i one of e teenagers who complain non-stop bout life, in life?
sian! i feel like sayin everythin out. bt there isn't any1 whom i wan to say it to.
SUCK!!!!!
kheng.
26.05.09
yep. i dunno hw to help him. i feel bad for being so impatient. wah. tho i nv show it out. bt by nt doin anythin, i think i'm being v mean. oh man. bt i really feel v helpless n sian. it's really a big big sian feeling tho i noe i shldn't be like this. haiz. feels like i'm speakin like fann! haha.
yep. i dun wan this wu nai4-ness! wah!!!!!!!!! rants!!!!!!!!!!!
yep. i shall ignore all tt evil person's sms tho i dun think i'll receive anythin!
tired!
i wan a break!
i dun wan to receive scolding smses frm miss lim anymore!!
can my phone jus stop giving me prob?
can't believe i wan to cry again!
actually also nt again.
coz i've been living quite happily for e recent while.
man! my throat is feelin tight again!
izzit tt e blood vessels there are cloggin?
m i gng to die?
die also good. i can increase my worth.
man. i'm talkin like a depressed person who seems to be gettin into shit in all areas of life.
m i one of e teenagers who think v negatively bout stuff?
m i one of e teenagers who complain non-stop bout life, in life?
sian! i feel like sayin everythin out. bt there isn't any1 whom i wan to say it to.
SUCK!!!!!
kheng.
26.05.09
书包太重
jus watched e last ep of 书包太重. really think it's nice. jus nw was waitin for tmr' episode den realised no more. haha.
yep. e last few scenes of e show were talkin bout every child havin diff dreams n being able to excel in their lives in their own special ways. den e song sang, " 梦不该只有一种" n it's like so true! haha. yep.
well. hotmail is freak slow n i'm damn sian waitin for it! man!
anw feel like attitude-ing n nt do tong's book's daily page. haiz. bt i guess i shall still do ba. i've a soft heart! too kind! haha.
kheng(:
26/05/09
yep. e last few scenes of e show were talkin bout every child havin diff dreams n being able to excel in their lives in their own special ways. den e song sang, " 梦不该只有一种" n it's like so true! haha. yep.
well. hotmail is freak slow n i'm damn sian waitin for it! man!
anw feel like attitude-ing n nt do tong's book's daily page. haiz. bt i guess i shall still do ba. i've a soft heart! too kind! haha.
kheng(:
26/05/09
ben's motivation n jie's inspiration
well. after seein ben's effort on sun, i'm really touched n it made me wan to help him alot. yep. n it made me feel can kui too coz he's tryin a lot harder than me of e past n than e me now. yep.
n today wen we went down, he seemed a bit sian. n jie wasn't teachin him, so i jus slacked until i asked him n actually he wanted help. i was a bit selfish. i jus wanted to talk to bihong jiejie n jie or rather listen to their conversation n i left ben there. bt i'm glad i still made e first move n after a while jie started to look thru his stuff n help him also. haha. yep.
n we were discussin bout it n jie said tt nw tt her semester is gng to be more free, she'll be able to devote more time to help ben which is wat ben needs. n she said she believes she can do it. n pull ben's results up! haha. n i'm so impressed, inspired n of coz i believe her. nt just tt i've faith in sis, but also faith in ben! haha. yep.
kk. watchin tv nw. jus impressed n touched. i'll do my best to buck up for my own studies too! i noe i've said this many times n nv made it come true. bt i shall still say it this time n try to do it! yep. nv noe. haha. at least this time i'm sayin it for myself n dun haf to account to anyone. yep. i shall jiayou!:D
kheng(:
26/05/09
n today wen we went down, he seemed a bit sian. n jie wasn't teachin him, so i jus slacked until i asked him n actually he wanted help. i was a bit selfish. i jus wanted to talk to bihong jiejie n jie or rather listen to their conversation n i left ben there. bt i'm glad i still made e first move n after a while jie started to look thru his stuff n help him also. haha. yep.
n we were discussin bout it n jie said tt nw tt her semester is gng to be more free, she'll be able to devote more time to help ben which is wat ben needs. n she said she believes she can do it. n pull ben's results up! haha. n i'm so impressed, inspired n of coz i believe her. nt just tt i've faith in sis, but also faith in ben! haha. yep.
kk. watchin tv nw. jus impressed n touched. i'll do my best to buck up for my own studies too! i noe i've said this many times n nv made it come true. bt i shall still say it this time n try to do it! yep. nv noe. haha. at least this time i'm sayin it for myself n dun haf to account to anyone. yep. i shall jiayou!:D
kheng(:
26/05/09
Monday, May 25, 2009
irresponsibility
haiz. so sian. early in e morn wake up den get miss lim's "scoldin" sms. haiz. who told me to nt send her e wksheet last night. i was thinkin this morn send also e same. bt i think it's nt e same ba. she checks email early in e morn at 7plus. den maybe e RGPS teachers wld haf been free to go print e wksheet in e morn. i only think bout myself. i think it's really thanks to gor tt i'm now able to reflect on myself n see where my mistake lies tho it's a bit too late coz i still imposed on others n tt's why i'm being scolded now. haiz. n on fri i still promised miss lim i'll get it out by e weekend. haiz haiz haiz. this time's CAAL i've been doin such a bad job. keep draggin n giving her late work! haiz. mus buck up nxt term n put CAAL CIP as e top most priority so tt i wun disappoint miss lim n wun let her get e feelin tt i'm unreliable or anythin. yep yep.
n it's kind of bad luck. last time it's working w shamini's grp also tt i kept kana-ing frm her. this time also. tt time i IC. kena. this time i also kena. haha. quite sian actually. actually i noe shamini put in a lot of effort alr. bt it's like i always get her stuff at night. bt it's also me who nv ask her for it. n i shld haf reminded them on thurs, on fri n nt on sat. i'm nt tryin to blame her tho maybe tt evil inner self of me might be. bt i'm really controlling n i appreciate e effort she has put in.yep. haiz. since tt's e case, i shld stop ranting.
kk. i feel better nw after gettin e first para out. shall go sch for hist now!(:
P.S. my title is referrin to me. nt shamini they all.
kheng(:
26/05/09
n it's kind of bad luck. last time it's working w shamini's grp also tt i kept kana-ing frm her. this time also. tt time i IC. kena. this time i also kena. haha. quite sian actually. actually i noe shamini put in a lot of effort alr. bt it's like i always get her stuff at night. bt it's also me who nv ask her for it. n i shld haf reminded them on thurs, on fri n nt on sat. i'm nt tryin to blame her tho maybe tt evil inner self of me might be. bt i'm really controlling n i appreciate e effort she has put in.yep. haiz. since tt's e case, i shld stop ranting.
kk. i feel better nw after gettin e first para out. shall go sch for hist now!(:
P.S. my title is referrin to me. nt shamini they all.
kheng(:
26/05/09
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
home
oh man. i was looking for songs to put in tong's book den i went to search for westlife's home. it's gor who told me bout e song. n i was thinkin sounded nt too bad. so i went to search on youtube jus nw. oh man. e song plus lyrics plus MV jus super super touching! as i said on my public blog. i wonder hw my bro can control his tears wen he's in thai listenin to this song! it's like i sit here n listen n watch also can be tearing le. oh man.
e MV really v sad. esp e parts at e arrival hall wen e ppl run so eagerly to fetch their family members! n e little children at e last part. v touching man! man!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=potHlhsDOFQ
Another summer day has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome, I wanna go home
Maybe surrounded by a million people I
Still feel all alone, I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two, "'I'm fine baby how are you?"
Well, I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that
Another airplane, another sunny place I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home, I've got to go home
Chorus
Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I gotta come home
Let me go home
I've had my run, baby I'm done
I wanna come home
Verse 2
And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream, but you always believed in me
Another winter day has come and gone away
In neither Paris nor Rome and I wanna go home
I miss you, you know
Chorus
Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby I'm done
I wanna go home
Let me go home
It'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
e underlined ones r e lines tt really touched me. as in touched me more than e other lyrics. yep! best man! touched!
kheng(:
20-05-09
I'm coming back home
e MV really v sad. esp e parts at e arrival hall wen e ppl run so eagerly to fetch their family members! n e little children at e last part. v touching man! man!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=potHlhsDOFQ
Another summer day has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome, I wanna go home
Maybe surrounded by a million people I
Still feel all alone, I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two, "'I'm fine baby how are you?"
Well, I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that
Another airplane, another sunny place I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home, I've got to go home
Chorus
Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I gotta come home
Let me go home
I've had my run, baby I'm done
I wanna come home
Verse 2
And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream, but you always believed in me
Another winter day has come and gone away
In neither Paris nor Rome and I wanna go home
I miss you, you know
Chorus
Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby I'm done
I wanna go home
Let me go home
It'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
e underlined ones r e lines tt really touched me. as in touched me more than e other lyrics. yep! best man! touched!
kheng(:
20-05-09
I'm coming back home
Monday, May 18, 2009
happier(:
yay! i'm happy to finish one nice page of e present for tong. mood changed alot for e better wen gor came back n talked to me:P haha. tho i dunno why he yest suddenly ignore me n for all tt i noe, i dun think it's my fault or anything, bt it's still better tt he's willing to talk to me! haha. yep. e kheng of today cherishes her family! haha.
yep. n e photos print out v nice! haha. n tho i jus anyhow crop pictures n put them tgt, wen printed out e effect is v good! haha. esp e wed class photos! so i v happy!:P haha.
n nw i finished e 2B page of tong's present le! haha. n it's quite nice! hahaha. so i v happy!:P hahaha. yep.
n nw gng do fann's b-dae card, i've got mood swings man!
bt at least i'm feeling happy now! hahahaha. bleh!:D
kheng(:
18/05/09
yep. n e photos print out v nice! haha. n tho i jus anyhow crop pictures n put them tgt, wen printed out e effect is v good! haha. esp e wed class photos! so i v happy!:P haha.
n nw i finished e 2B page of tong's present le! haha. n it's quite nice! hahaha. so i v happy!:P hahaha. yep.
n nw gng do fann's b-dae card, i've got mood swings man!
bt at least i'm feeling happy now! hahahaha. bleh!:D
kheng(:
18/05/09
last visit
n i think after grabbing this photo frm tong's facebook photos, i prob wun look at her photos again till e nxt time wen i need to grab photos. lookin at it saddens me..
inbal
hmm. was tryin to select photos to print to do super belated b-dae present for tong. haiz. select select become emo again. recently like kena e emo curse. can't go home feelin happy de leh. haiz. jus nw in sch. man. i think it's like everyone gets so defensive. or was it me who was being over-sensitive? bt i c ppl all tryin so hard to defend n speak up for themselves i jus feel v uncomfortable n dun feel like talkin coz i dun like to be pricked by ppl.
den went to get fann's present. yx's directions saved me n aq's provision of knowledge on e slippers saved me too! haha. yep. was quite happy after buying coz e new urban male guy shop assistants were all damn friendly, polite, nice and HOT! hahaha. v bimbotic like wat i told fann bt they really look good! n ARE good! haha. as in their service:P haha. yep. fann said she'll go see shuai4 ge1 w me nxt time:P hahaha. yep yep.
bt come back look at photos start to emo again. jus realised tt A01(some of them) went to celebrate yitong's b-dae for her. as in was a surprise. see le den feel bad again! bt if i went n see them i think i'll feel weird also:P haha. yep. bt closin up quite a lot recently or over this past year. hmm. perhaps it's norm coz i'm nt frm A01, bt wenever i see tong w A01 ppl, i wld siam instead of go over. dunno why.
yep. i think their cls spirit v strong. n they v close to miss oon. sth tt i envy quite a lot. bt even in last yr's sci cls, we also nt v close to ms oon. yep. n S04 is good.. dere's no pressure n every1 gets along quite well. bt we're quite divided. quite obvious. e 4 of us are e "chinese" slackers, amanda they all r e "english" slackers, den dere's xiaoxing tt grp tt r e hardworkin ones. den guys also separated frm us, bt closer to e "eng" slackers grp. yep. so seeing A01's cls spirit makes me envy. actually i nt askin alot also. i guess S04 is alr considered nt bad le ba? bt last sat's cls outing norman was like quite left out, as in he wld go ard to talk to ppl himself, bt cld see tt he's "alone". dunno hw to explain. bt sth like this. n i really dislike such feelings, maybe is i experience till scared le ba. so wen i see such stuff i feel v uncomfortable, bt i guess it's only in gift wen i really did step out to reach 4 these ppl. yep. bt recently like nt tt open alr. for eg tt day at kish's hs, i didn't approach e new juniors tho i knew tt e 2 of them felt quite weird. yep.
n dunno leh. ancestor like no time for me le. i realised i've been e one inititating breakfasts. i think she feels tt i've other frens to attend to or nt free to attend to her ba. it's nt tt kind of she's ignoring me or nt viewing me imptly feeling coz ancestor is more self-sacrificial than me. yep. bt it's tt kind of she's really v interested to talk to or interact w me feeling. she's always zooming past me. kind of like sad.
i'm still waitin 4 my bdae present frm ka. it's nt e present bt e thot. n i sort of like realised it AGAIN(= i realised it b4) today wen i was shoppin for fann's present n wen she showed such great appreciation wen she knew tt i was gng to look for it alone. yep.
over-emphasis again. i've placed too much hope on this fren. she nv disappoint me. bt i expected n placed too much hope on her. this is e trouble w bloggin. i can't risk havin someone i noe find my blog n readin my posts. bt hardcopy takes a longer time to write n is more troublesome. yep.
waitin.. waiting. haiz.
bt i'm glad i found yj back. i realised it's been me who didn't want to embrace this fren. she's always been there. n i suppose she still treats me e same. it's me who didn't. yep.
n stalker. always sweet n nice. haha. yest wen i told her nt to miss me, she said she wld try. n it's nt tt kind of fu1 yan-ing type. n she's e one whom my "dun miss me" mean sth. n i'm nt wastin my time wen i say tt to her. yep.
k la. tt's all. quite restricted coz dun dare to say too many things. see hw first. if i've time den can try to think of hw to complain w.o making it v obvious! lol. haha. yep.
n today's valerie's b-dae!
kheng(:
18-05-09
den went to get fann's present. yx's directions saved me n aq's provision of knowledge on e slippers saved me too! haha. yep. was quite happy after buying coz e new urban male guy shop assistants were all damn friendly, polite, nice and HOT! hahaha. v bimbotic like wat i told fann bt they really look good! n ARE good! haha. as in their service:P haha. yep. fann said she'll go see shuai4 ge1 w me nxt time:P hahaha. yep yep.
bt come back look at photos start to emo again. jus realised tt A01(some of them) went to celebrate yitong's b-dae for her. as in was a surprise. see le den feel bad again! bt if i went n see them i think i'll feel weird also:P haha. yep. bt closin up quite a lot recently or over this past year. hmm. perhaps it's norm coz i'm nt frm A01, bt wenever i see tong w A01 ppl, i wld siam instead of go over. dunno why.
yep. i think their cls spirit v strong. n they v close to miss oon. sth tt i envy quite a lot. bt even in last yr's sci cls, we also nt v close to ms oon. yep. n S04 is good.. dere's no pressure n every1 gets along quite well. bt we're quite divided. quite obvious. e 4 of us are e "chinese" slackers, amanda they all r e "english" slackers, den dere's xiaoxing tt grp tt r e hardworkin ones. den guys also separated frm us, bt closer to e "eng" slackers grp. yep. so seeing A01's cls spirit makes me envy. actually i nt askin alot also. i guess S04 is alr considered nt bad le ba? bt last sat's cls outing norman was like quite left out, as in he wld go ard to talk to ppl himself, bt cld see tt he's "alone". dunno hw to explain. bt sth like this. n i really dislike such feelings, maybe is i experience till scared le ba. so wen i see such stuff i feel v uncomfortable, bt i guess it's only in gift wen i really did step out to reach 4 these ppl. yep. bt recently like nt tt open alr. for eg tt day at kish's hs, i didn't approach e new juniors tho i knew tt e 2 of them felt quite weird. yep.
n dunno leh. ancestor like no time for me le. i realised i've been e one inititating breakfasts. i think she feels tt i've other frens to attend to or nt free to attend to her ba. it's nt tt kind of she's ignoring me or nt viewing me imptly feeling coz ancestor is more self-sacrificial than me. yep. bt it's tt kind of she's really v interested to talk to or interact w me feeling. she's always zooming past me. kind of like sad.
i'm still waitin 4 my bdae present frm ka. it's nt e present bt e thot. n i sort of like realised it AGAIN(= i realised it b4) today wen i was shoppin for fann's present n wen she showed such great appreciation wen she knew tt i was gng to look for it alone. yep.
over-emphasis again. i've placed too much hope on this fren. she nv disappoint me. bt i expected n placed too much hope on her. this is e trouble w bloggin. i can't risk havin someone i noe find my blog n readin my posts. bt hardcopy takes a longer time to write n is more troublesome. yep.
waitin.. waiting. haiz.
bt i'm glad i found yj back. i realised it's been me who didn't want to embrace this fren. she's always been there. n i suppose she still treats me e same. it's me who didn't. yep.
n stalker. always sweet n nice. haha. yest wen i told her nt to miss me, she said she wld try. n it's nt tt kind of fu1 yan-ing type. n she's e one whom my "dun miss me" mean sth. n i'm nt wastin my time wen i say tt to her. yep.
k la. tt's all. quite restricted coz dun dare to say too many things. see hw first. if i've time den can try to think of hw to complain w.o making it v obvious! lol. haha. yep.
n today's valerie's b-dae!
kheng(:
18-05-09
Thursday, May 14, 2009
happiness(:
haha. well. luckily today i nv pon sch! haha. coz miss josie tan didn't come!:P haha. so i dun haf to take napfa either until nxt term or anymore!:P hahahahah. yay!:D hahaha. yep. actually even if i save today's parent's letter also no use. coz no chance to take le. yest aq was sayin e mindset of wanting to use finish the parent's letter is wrong. hahaha. bt honestly i dun really care:P nt tt i dun wan to "lose" or anything, bt if i take, be it 1 or 3, it's still wrong. n e fact is i dun feel tt it's wrong. actually it's tantamount to playing truancy(how to spell?). yep. bt jus tt gt parent's letter to excuse. haha. after being in S04 n noe-ing wat's struggling(i mean to get promoted/pass a subject), slacking n all tt. i really think tt sometimes we haf to try new stuff. even if it's rebellious or anythin. nt to find excuses for myself. bt like wat yx said wen she was attempting to eat her 10beard papa puffs, in life we shld try new things. n honestly wen we get old we might nt haf e chance anymore. n jus like asshole aq keep spammin our phones, tho twin said we r childish, i think he could feel tt we were really "enjoying" it. yep. haf fun in life n take things easy.
yep. balance. i will try to draw inspirations from this word.
hahaha. back to e thing, yep. hw many ppl haf tried runnin away frm e sch's main gate on games day? hw many ppl haf tried drinking 3litres of iced milo within 2-3hours? haha. nt a lot of special things actually. bt a few is really enough to rmb for life. n e issue here is nt how many haf tried bt e fact tt i've tried n even if there're many who haf done it, i'm also one who has had fun n enjoyed my life b4! haha. yep. n for this i've to thank my JC friends, tho i can't be sure whether wld we last for life, bt at least i dun think anyone else could haf given me such memories like they do(: haha.
yep. n looking at tong's soccer photos, i'm starting to think tt i shld haf joined LAP earlier. haha. bt this kind of things is hard to control/noe de. haha. yep. n at least i've some memories frm LAP. yep. n luckily still got Maldives, if nt really even less to rmb. n if nt for maldives, wun haf known nice ppl like laoda, bim, da sao, oh pei, tu di n guanhao. haha. yep. n nt forgettin filbert who allowed his name to be used to replace "F" n jaron. haha. yep! n mr low!
yep. shall stop here. got other things to do. tmr or some other day den come out n lament bout those stuff.
kheng(:
14/05/09
yep. balance. i will try to draw inspirations from this word.
hahaha. back to e thing, yep. hw many ppl haf tried runnin away frm e sch's main gate on games day? hw many ppl haf tried drinking 3litres of iced milo within 2-3hours? haha. nt a lot of special things actually. bt a few is really enough to rmb for life. n e issue here is nt how many haf tried bt e fact tt i've tried n even if there're many who haf done it, i'm also one who has had fun n enjoyed my life b4! haha. yep. n for this i've to thank my JC friends, tho i can't be sure whether wld we last for life, bt at least i dun think anyone else could haf given me such memories like they do(: haha.
yep. n looking at tong's soccer photos, i'm starting to think tt i shld haf joined LAP earlier. haha. bt this kind of things is hard to control/noe de. haha. yep. n at least i've some memories frm LAP. yep. n luckily still got Maldives, if nt really even less to rmb. n if nt for maldives, wun haf known nice ppl like laoda, bim, da sao, oh pei, tu di n guanhao. haha. yep. n nt forgettin filbert who allowed his name to be used to replace "F" n jaron. haha. yep! n mr low!
yep. shall stop here. got other things to do. tmr or some other day den come out n lament bout those stuff.
kheng(:
14/05/09
Monday, May 11, 2009
Maldives
i was looking at e photos taken at Maldives den realised hw fortunate i'm to be able to be in Singapore. to me. wenever i look at photos of them standin at e shore/jetty looking at us, i get e feeling tt they are being trapped there. n this is one of e reasons tt made me nearly tear wen we were leaving Maldives. bt well i didn't tear. n it's then tt i felt tt it doesn't mean tt wen u dun tear, u dun feel anything. n tho it's a fact tt i didn't feel so much for Maldives as my friends, bt i didn't had to tear n weep to show tt it's a nice place n tt i like it or anythin. yep.
anw talking bout Maldives. e exp there was good. bt still nt to e extent where i wld wan to go back again or like miss them super much. e reason being it's quite "tortorous" there, w all my bites, n all e bleeding, e dirtiness there tt i felt even after bathing, e itch. yep. e worst thing i think wld be wen we were pullin weeds, i was really waiting non-stop for breaks. tt's really bad. really bad. n while e exp there did change me slightly, i still wun wan to go back again. money is of coz an issue. n recently i found another reason to go wan to go back again: i dun feel tt i've contributed much there. esp wen almost everyone asked wat kind of CIP it's to go contribute n Maldives n pull weeds. even i can't ans it coz we didn't pull weeds to provide e foundations for e next grp of ppl to build houses/schools. we pulled weeds for them to build volleyball court. n even if e pulling of weeds was for building houses, i jus felt tt e amt of work e 32 of us did was too little n insignificant. n i guess it's tt kind of "when will i be gng back?" n e counting down feeling tt was a bit sucky n sort of like letting down e Maldivians n those of us who enjoyed e trip. so i wun wan to go back. yep.
bt anw. i really loved e life there. can say dun need to use brain(nt as if i used alot in Sg:P) yep. n maybe coz i dun spend alot of money there:P hee. n i really love tt kind of leisure whereby u can sit on e "fence" outside n admire e sky. n guess it's the simplicity ba. jus slp on mattress, e island is so small tt there's almost nowhere else u wld wan to go or can go. yep. n e SOP. haha. wake up put sun block, go eat breakfast, go work, go for juice break, work, lunch, work, end off n slack a little. oh ya. n e tea break at 430pm. n den dinner. yep. n waiting for e whole world to bath b4 my turn:P haha. yep.
bt i looked at my photos. my personal collection only contained my injuries n e photos taken during e last day wen zeni, yx they all weren't w me. haha. yep. n i looked at e bites n esp e "bleeding" wounds on my feet.. wah. i think tt mus haf really been gross. n i guess i did quite a bit of a feat to be able to tolerate w e pain on my feet coz i look at e wounds, it mus haf been ached. luckily i'm all fine n well now(: haha. yep.
hmm. i guess tt's all ba. i gng bath now. n i think i'm gng to fail or only get Bronze for my standing broadjump NAPFA test on thurs:S haiz. sian. i jus dun wan miss tan to think of me as a slacker tho i'm! haha. ironical man! i wan ppl to think good of me wen i aren't good!! lol.
yep. bt anw e Maldives photos did provide me w a bit of push to go do my work!:P haha. yep yep.
anw jus nw wen i was napping. i dreamt of jiasheng selling bubble tea n i was doin CCA by helping out in a workshop for parents who've newborn kids. haha. n wen i came out i saw yitong. bt there's a point in time wen we didn't say anything. yep. n i can't help but think of e possibility of us being friends to e extent of nt havin anythin to talk to each other. sometimes i jus can't help bt think of how vulnerable relationships b/w ppl can be. married couples can divorce. even those w teenage children = they've been married for over 10years. hmm. n of coz looking at how close ka is to norine now. nt jealousy. jus a v like "wasted" feeling coz i jus feel tt she's closer to norine nw than to me. n for norine it works e same. tt feeling sux wen they talk bout things i dun understand. bt well. it's still okay coz we're in diff sch. our last OC outing wen norine started to say tt e weird sound ka makes was normal n i didn't noe(coz i guess is a habit built up recently). tt feeling sux. i dun even noe my good friend. yep.
i jus feel tt it's a pity? izzit me who's nt makin e effort? i'm quite demanding, i expect my friends to stay in contact w me. i dun mind taking e first step. bt wen ppl dun take e first step, i feel tt they dun put me on e impt list anymore. hmm. bt who asked me to be e freeist. to be able to go n think bout such stuff coz i'm too free? lol. yep.
fann was like this too. i felt tt she still treats me as a good friend. i believe n jus somehow noe tt we'll grow old tgt. bt nt as close as e past. maybe coz i neglected her? or izzit jus normal for her to think tt we jus wun be as close as e past? coz tt day, maybe her mood a bit down. wen i went to talk to her, she didn't haf much to talk to me bout. bt she seemed to haf alot of fun talkin to her touchruggers after tt. yep. maybe i think too much again.
fangyi. i felt v close to her after e huangcheng outing. she made me believe tt 10years down e road, we'll still be wu suo bu tan de hao peng you. she gives me assurance n confidence. bt e fact is jus tt she's also v close to yingjie. n somehow i jus wun take e effort to go mix w them. sad to say, bt i guess i aren't tt close to yingjie n fanghui anymore. yep. n i guess is i think too much again, bt if i go n mix w fangyi n yingjie, i wld get e extra feeling again. yep.
ka n norine. said above alr. these 2 years many things happened. nt as happening as my sec 4 year tho. nt v la. bt still. things happen in life, along life. yep. n there's a few times i wanted to write them down n complain/rant to ka n put e letters in her lettertray(since we live so near each other).. bt i didn't eventually. i chose to tell tong/ancestor coz of NJ. coz we're in e same sch. n i guess tt's y i dun feel so close to ka anymore. i dun think she wld feel anythin e fact tt i'm so close to yitong nw n in fact closer to tong than her. maybe coz she noes tt she n i wld be good friends no matter wat. this is sth which i also believe in n tt's why no matter how close i'm to yitong, ka will still be as impt as tong. yep. at least ranked e same coz obviously i do more things for tong, maybe coz she'll show her appreciation more obviously than ka ba. haha. yep. n back to jus nw wat i was sayin. maybe ka believes tt we'll be close friends even w.o much talkin. or maybe she thinks jus let things be, ppl will haf new good friends. is tt wat she thinks? i also dunno. maybe coz in sec 3 or 4. i once told her tt even if we dun talk as much as sec 1 n 2, i still think tt we're close friends. maybe tt's why she has so much faith in me. bt somehow. friendships still need effort n time to maintain de. nt everythin can jus leave to fate or anythin de. at least i'm this type of troublesome friend. yep.
ancestor. i think i dun provide her as much support as leena. nt tt i wan to be e most impt la. really. jus tt last fri wen i went to find her, she doesn't seem to want to talk to me much, maybe she thot i rushin for time or like gng upstairs to find 4a ppl ba. yep. ancestor is a v good friend. she's also one of e few impt ppl in NJ tt provide support for me n links me back to RV. yep. jus tt somehow i think she listen to me 2 much, she seems to get a bit sian w my ranting wen i rant for too long. haha.
maybe i rant for too long le ba, coz sometimes yitong seems sian too. actually nt sometimes, it's only during our last subway meet up. bt i guess tt time was coz she's too tired. yep. she's v busy. n wat i tell myself is tt i dun wan to bug her down. n i dunno why keep telling myself tt she'll be less busy after her soccer season ends. i still think or rather dream of e possibility of us gng subway to haf our talk-cock session for v v long. bt recently i'm startin to think tt i'm really thinkin too positively. jus like wat miss oon said, "wat makes u think tt if u study hard, u can get e results?" similarly, "wat makes me think tt wen yitong is less busy, she wld haf time for me?" yep. at e start of e year, i kept tellin her we'll see wen we've time to talk or like see each other. bt it becomes say say only i realise. coz wen we see each other, we dun haf time to talk, n wat makes things worse is tt we dun even see each other often except hist lessons. maybe i spoilt e market myself ba, coz after hist lessons i always chiong away w twin. bt twin doesn't stay mah n of coz i wld go w him coz i dun wan to go w A01, i also nt super shou w them, n wen i stay w tong, it means tt she wld haf to draw herself away frm her class. n maybe i gave her e feeling tt i'm too busy or always rushin for time, nw after lessons wen we talk, she also talk v little, she's always rushing off now. as in i get e feeling frm e way she talks. yep. n it is jus a bit saddenin ba i guess. hmm. bt nw i really dun feel comfortable being in A01. as in everyone is nice, they're fine. even jiaomei is alright, bt being a RV-ian(accordin to zeni n also my sentiments), i'm more closed up n i wun go ard mixing w them. i noe being an RV-ian isn't an excuse bt i jus aren't someone who wld wan to open up. yep. n after all, it isn't my class, i dun wan to feel extra. yep. n tt's why i also siam out of class w twin now.
yep. n somehow based on recent happenings, maybe jus tt gift outing at kish's house ba, i feel tt tong is always v tired. n it weighs on me if i keep ranting to her. coz i think sometimes listening to ppl's rantings can be quite tiring. i think ranting is more relaxed n a much easier task:P haha. yep. n i think back of all e things i wanted to do for her b-dae n now it's like her b-dae is long over, i still haven't do.. i jus feel tt i've nt done enough for her. bt her b-dae is jus over. hmm. tt feeling is like i feel bad tt kind. haiz.
yep. i jus dunno if season ends, will tong still haf time for me anot. yep. n i go think bout e future, wen she goes overseas for uni. even if she studies in sg.. so wat? quoting frm miss oon again, "wat makes me think tt if she's in sg, we'll still be as readily available for each other there?" n wen she goes out to work? coz tong's slightly more pessimistic than me, i'm v afraid tt we wld slowly become more n more different frm each other. n thinkin of wat jie said wen she first came back frm Sweden. she said tt she finds her friends more childish than her n there's somehow commuication barrier? yep. she only went for half a year. tong wld be gng for 3 years. n this applies to all my friends. ka, norine, ancestor. fangyi i'm nt worried. n tho i'm nt tt close w karen, karen also doesn't give me tt feeling. coz now i alr find her more matured than us, bt she seems to enjoy n still appreciates us as friends. yep.
hmm. i guess i can't think tt much ba. n even tho i'm alr thinking tt much, there's nth i can do. it's jus tt i think of tong n me, i jus start to think tt e quote "wu4 yi xi1 wei gui4" isn't tt true always. coz if it's true, judgin by e amt of letters/notes/fruits n gifts i give tong, i'm nt tt valuable. haha. yep.
n i jus think tt i can be quite vulnerable coz wen tong meets troubles, i can hardly do anythin to help her. i can't change her mindset nor make her think more positively or feel better. i can't really help her. e only thing i can do is to hear her rant. bt e thing is she doesn't haf time to rant to me. or rather i dun haf time to be there to hear her rant. n after a while, tt feeling jus goes away yeah. yep.. ya la. tt's all. i jus hope tt i'm really thinkin too much. i hope tt i can still be buddies w tong for e remaining years to come. ka i've faith we'll remain good friends. norine n ancestor too ba. fangyi will de i believe n hope. yep.. n i jus dun think tt i'm a les. gor n jie's words worry me at times, tt i'm really too female/gals-based. be it idols/friends n everythin. bt i still dun think i'm a les, coz i wan to get married. n i mean to a GUY. n i believe tt only guys can protect me, as in like be nice to me n all tt. oh man. all these sound gross. bt i jus think tt n i seriously hope tt i'm straight n NOT a les! yep. dun doubt yourself kheng, i scared e more i think e more i wld push myself towards e other end. haf faith in urself man kheng(: haha.
k la. my 3 days hols is over n again, i accomplished nothing!:P hahaha. shall really go bath now:P haha.
ranting everythin out really makes me feel so much better. tho i'm jus ranting to a comp:P
kheng(:
11-05-09
anw talking bout Maldives. e exp there was good. bt still nt to e extent where i wld wan to go back again or like miss them super much. e reason being it's quite "tortorous" there, w all my bites, n all e bleeding, e dirtiness there tt i felt even after bathing, e itch. yep. e worst thing i think wld be wen we were pullin weeds, i was really waiting non-stop for breaks. tt's really bad. really bad. n while e exp there did change me slightly, i still wun wan to go back again. money is of coz an issue. n recently i found another reason to go wan to go back again: i dun feel tt i've contributed much there. esp wen almost everyone asked wat kind of CIP it's to go contribute n Maldives n pull weeds. even i can't ans it coz we didn't pull weeds to provide e foundations for e next grp of ppl to build houses/schools. we pulled weeds for them to build volleyball court. n even if e pulling of weeds was for building houses, i jus felt tt e amt of work e 32 of us did was too little n insignificant. n i guess it's tt kind of "when will i be gng back?" n e counting down feeling tt was a bit sucky n sort of like letting down e Maldivians n those of us who enjoyed e trip. so i wun wan to go back. yep.
bt anw. i really loved e life there. can say dun need to use brain(nt as if i used alot in Sg:P) yep. n maybe coz i dun spend alot of money there:P hee. n i really love tt kind of leisure whereby u can sit on e "fence" outside n admire e sky. n guess it's the simplicity ba. jus slp on mattress, e island is so small tt there's almost nowhere else u wld wan to go or can go. yep. n e SOP. haha. wake up put sun block, go eat breakfast, go work, go for juice break, work, lunch, work, end off n slack a little. oh ya. n e tea break at 430pm. n den dinner. yep. n waiting for e whole world to bath b4 my turn:P haha. yep.
bt i looked at my photos. my personal collection only contained my injuries n e photos taken during e last day wen zeni, yx they all weren't w me. haha. yep. n i looked at e bites n esp e "bleeding" wounds on my feet.. wah. i think tt mus haf really been gross. n i guess i did quite a bit of a feat to be able to tolerate w e pain on my feet coz i look at e wounds, it mus haf been ached. luckily i'm all fine n well now(: haha. yep.
hmm. i guess tt's all ba. i gng bath now. n i think i'm gng to fail or only get Bronze for my standing broadjump NAPFA test on thurs:S haiz. sian. i jus dun wan miss tan to think of me as a slacker tho i'm! haha. ironical man! i wan ppl to think good of me wen i aren't good!! lol.
yep. bt anw e Maldives photos did provide me w a bit of push to go do my work!:P haha. yep yep.
anw jus nw wen i was napping. i dreamt of jiasheng selling bubble tea n i was doin CCA by helping out in a workshop for parents who've newborn kids. haha. n wen i came out i saw yitong. bt there's a point in time wen we didn't say anything. yep. n i can't help but think of e possibility of us being friends to e extent of nt havin anythin to talk to each other. sometimes i jus can't help bt think of how vulnerable relationships b/w ppl can be. married couples can divorce. even those w teenage children = they've been married for over 10years. hmm. n of coz looking at how close ka is to norine now. nt jealousy. jus a v like "wasted" feeling coz i jus feel tt she's closer to norine nw than to me. n for norine it works e same. tt feeling sux wen they talk bout things i dun understand. bt well. it's still okay coz we're in diff sch. our last OC outing wen norine started to say tt e weird sound ka makes was normal n i didn't noe(coz i guess is a habit built up recently). tt feeling sux. i dun even noe my good friend. yep.
i jus feel tt it's a pity? izzit me who's nt makin e effort? i'm quite demanding, i expect my friends to stay in contact w me. i dun mind taking e first step. bt wen ppl dun take e first step, i feel tt they dun put me on e impt list anymore. hmm. bt who asked me to be e freeist. to be able to go n think bout such stuff coz i'm too free? lol. yep.
fann was like this too. i felt tt she still treats me as a good friend. i believe n jus somehow noe tt we'll grow old tgt. bt nt as close as e past. maybe coz i neglected her? or izzit jus normal for her to think tt we jus wun be as close as e past? coz tt day, maybe her mood a bit down. wen i went to talk to her, she didn't haf much to talk to me bout. bt she seemed to haf alot of fun talkin to her touchruggers after tt. yep. maybe i think too much again.
fangyi. i felt v close to her after e huangcheng outing. she made me believe tt 10years down e road, we'll still be wu suo bu tan de hao peng you. she gives me assurance n confidence. bt e fact is jus tt she's also v close to yingjie. n somehow i jus wun take e effort to go mix w them. sad to say, bt i guess i aren't tt close to yingjie n fanghui anymore. yep. n i guess is i think too much again, bt if i go n mix w fangyi n yingjie, i wld get e extra feeling again. yep.
ka n norine. said above alr. these 2 years many things happened. nt as happening as my sec 4 year tho. nt v la. bt still. things happen in life, along life. yep. n there's a few times i wanted to write them down n complain/rant to ka n put e letters in her lettertray(since we live so near each other).. bt i didn't eventually. i chose to tell tong/ancestor coz of NJ. coz we're in e same sch. n i guess tt's y i dun feel so close to ka anymore. i dun think she wld feel anythin e fact tt i'm so close to yitong nw n in fact closer to tong than her. maybe coz she noes tt she n i wld be good friends no matter wat. this is sth which i also believe in n tt's why no matter how close i'm to yitong, ka will still be as impt as tong. yep. at least ranked e same coz obviously i do more things for tong, maybe coz she'll show her appreciation more obviously than ka ba. haha. yep. n back to jus nw wat i was sayin. maybe ka believes tt we'll be close friends even w.o much talkin. or maybe she thinks jus let things be, ppl will haf new good friends. is tt wat she thinks? i also dunno. maybe coz in sec 3 or 4. i once told her tt even if we dun talk as much as sec 1 n 2, i still think tt we're close friends. maybe tt's why she has so much faith in me. bt somehow. friendships still need effort n time to maintain de. nt everythin can jus leave to fate or anythin de. at least i'm this type of troublesome friend. yep.
ancestor. i think i dun provide her as much support as leena. nt tt i wan to be e most impt la. really. jus tt last fri wen i went to find her, she doesn't seem to want to talk to me much, maybe she thot i rushin for time or like gng upstairs to find 4a ppl ba. yep. ancestor is a v good friend. she's also one of e few impt ppl in NJ tt provide support for me n links me back to RV. yep. jus tt somehow i think she listen to me 2 much, she seems to get a bit sian w my ranting wen i rant for too long. haha.
maybe i rant for too long le ba, coz sometimes yitong seems sian too. actually nt sometimes, it's only during our last subway meet up. bt i guess tt time was coz she's too tired. yep. she's v busy. n wat i tell myself is tt i dun wan to bug her down. n i dunno why keep telling myself tt she'll be less busy after her soccer season ends. i still think or rather dream of e possibility of us gng subway to haf our talk-cock session for v v long. bt recently i'm startin to think tt i'm really thinkin too positively. jus like wat miss oon said, "wat makes u think tt if u study hard, u can get e results?" similarly, "wat makes me think tt wen yitong is less busy, she wld haf time for me?" yep. at e start of e year, i kept tellin her we'll see wen we've time to talk or like see each other. bt it becomes say say only i realise. coz wen we see each other, we dun haf time to talk, n wat makes things worse is tt we dun even see each other often except hist lessons. maybe i spoilt e market myself ba, coz after hist lessons i always chiong away w twin. bt twin doesn't stay mah n of coz i wld go w him coz i dun wan to go w A01, i also nt super shou w them, n wen i stay w tong, it means tt she wld haf to draw herself away frm her class. n maybe i gave her e feeling tt i'm too busy or always rushin for time, nw after lessons wen we talk, she also talk v little, she's always rushing off now. as in i get e feeling frm e way she talks. yep. n it is jus a bit saddenin ba i guess. hmm. bt nw i really dun feel comfortable being in A01. as in everyone is nice, they're fine. even jiaomei is alright, bt being a RV-ian(accordin to zeni n also my sentiments), i'm more closed up n i wun go ard mixing w them. i noe being an RV-ian isn't an excuse bt i jus aren't someone who wld wan to open up. yep. n after all, it isn't my class, i dun wan to feel extra. yep. n tt's why i also siam out of class w twin now.
yep. n somehow based on recent happenings, maybe jus tt gift outing at kish's house ba, i feel tt tong is always v tired. n it weighs on me if i keep ranting to her. coz i think sometimes listening to ppl's rantings can be quite tiring. i think ranting is more relaxed n a much easier task:P haha. yep. n i think back of all e things i wanted to do for her b-dae n now it's like her b-dae is long over, i still haven't do.. i jus feel tt i've nt done enough for her. bt her b-dae is jus over. hmm. tt feeling is like i feel bad tt kind. haiz.
yep. i jus dunno if season ends, will tong still haf time for me anot. yep. n i go think bout e future, wen she goes overseas for uni. even if she studies in sg.. so wat? quoting frm miss oon again, "wat makes me think tt if she's in sg, we'll still be as readily available for each other there?" n wen she goes out to work? coz tong's slightly more pessimistic than me, i'm v afraid tt we wld slowly become more n more different frm each other. n thinkin of wat jie said wen she first came back frm Sweden. she said tt she finds her friends more childish than her n there's somehow commuication barrier? yep. she only went for half a year. tong wld be gng for 3 years. n this applies to all my friends. ka, norine, ancestor. fangyi i'm nt worried. n tho i'm nt tt close w karen, karen also doesn't give me tt feeling. coz now i alr find her more matured than us, bt she seems to enjoy n still appreciates us as friends. yep.
hmm. i guess i can't think tt much ba. n even tho i'm alr thinking tt much, there's nth i can do. it's jus tt i think of tong n me, i jus start to think tt e quote "wu4 yi xi1 wei gui4" isn't tt true always. coz if it's true, judgin by e amt of letters/notes/fruits n gifts i give tong, i'm nt tt valuable. haha. yep.
n i jus think tt i can be quite vulnerable coz wen tong meets troubles, i can hardly do anythin to help her. i can't change her mindset nor make her think more positively or feel better. i can't really help her. e only thing i can do is to hear her rant. bt e thing is she doesn't haf time to rant to me. or rather i dun haf time to be there to hear her rant. n after a while, tt feeling jus goes away yeah. yep.. ya la. tt's all. i jus hope tt i'm really thinkin too much. i hope tt i can still be buddies w tong for e remaining years to come. ka i've faith we'll remain good friends. norine n ancestor too ba. fangyi will de i believe n hope. yep.. n i jus dun think tt i'm a les. gor n jie's words worry me at times, tt i'm really too female/gals-based. be it idols/friends n everythin. bt i still dun think i'm a les, coz i wan to get married. n i mean to a GUY. n i believe tt only guys can protect me, as in like be nice to me n all tt. oh man. all these sound gross. bt i jus think tt n i seriously hope tt i'm straight n NOT a les! yep. dun doubt yourself kheng, i scared e more i think e more i wld push myself towards e other end. haf faith in urself man kheng(: haha.
k la. my 3 days hols is over n again, i accomplished nothing!:P hahaha. shall really go bath now:P haha.
ranting everythin out really makes me feel so much better. tho i'm jus ranting to a comp:P
kheng(:
11-05-09
Sunday, May 10, 2009
campus
haha. i'm watchin a few songs sang by e campus superstar3's finalists. i really like jiamin n ai jia's voices. i was really a bit disappointed tt jiamin didn't get into e final 2. simply coz she's from RV. dunno whether does she feel proud of RV. bt i do n i feel proud tt she was frm RV. really is help RV zeng1 guang1.haha. yep. bt i nv follow campus all along de. yep. n i also didn't call to support her or anythin. haha. jus wanted her to win coz heard tt she has been doing well thru out e series n coz she's an RVian. hehee.
bt anw aijia's voice is good too. v touching. both of them are good at singing songs tt i like most - emo songs. so i think they're wonderful!:P haha. yep. n i think jiamin sang e song w zeng yong ling well. bt jie said they voices dun match. i dunno how to hear till so deep in. bt on e surface i felt tt it's quite nice. or maybe e song v nice by itself ba. haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sxt1m6wguoA&feature=PlayList&p=96CD59C6525319CA&index=3
yep. now gng listen to aijia's "xingxing i'm not a star". nice song too n i think she sang well too! haha. too bad it's still a guy who won e title. hmm..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqnR81b4E80&feature=PlayList&p=96CD59C6525319CA&index=11
kheng.
10-05-09
bt anw aijia's voice is good too. v touching. both of them are good at singing songs tt i like most - emo songs. so i think they're wonderful!:P haha. yep. n i think jiamin sang e song w zeng yong ling well. bt jie said they voices dun match. i dunno how to hear till so deep in. bt on e surface i felt tt it's quite nice. or maybe e song v nice by itself ba. haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sxt1m6wguoA&feature=PlayList&p=96CD59C6525319CA&index=3
yep. now gng listen to aijia's "xingxing i'm not a star". nice song too n i think she sang well too! haha. too bad it's still a guy who won e title. hmm..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqnR81b4E80&feature=PlayList&p=96CD59C6525319CA&index=11
kheng.
10-05-09
Monday, May 4, 2009
it's a kind of discomfort, anger, guilt, ashamedness, dislike.
i dun need ppl to treat me like little kid. bt i've failed to prove tt i can wake up on time, i can make time to prep my own breakfast. bt i really dun wan her to treat me like a little kid. yes. it might be convenience on her part. bt wen i mention it, i feel ashamed. i'm already 18! n wen i think of e fact tt compared to my sis wen she's 18, i feel tt i'm like so useless! i hate it! n it's like wen i give her a v bad attitude, it's like she doesn't deserve it, bt e ironic thing is i still wan to remain like this. haiz.
ya. she doesn't understand. i only noe if i were to tell her to stop doin all these things, she might feel v upset why m i alienating myself from her. bt i jus wan her to stop doin all these things. think is personal pride at stake for me ba. bt she doesn't understand! maybe i didn't attempt to make her understand ba.
i jus think n seriously hope tt i wun be this kind of spoon-feeding mum like my mum. i wan my children to be more disciplined n independent n self-reliant than me. e funny thing is i'm blaming all my laziness n shit on my mum?! lol. i dunno wat m i thinkin of. bt wen i repeatedly tell her to stop waking me up in e morn n she still does, izzit my fault 0r hers? actually e shitty thing is it's nt tt i wan to be reliant on her, i dun wan! i wan to wake up on my own! bt she jus dun wan to let me! oh man! why can this be like a point of wu nai for me? isn't it good tt she dun haf to wake me up? wah! maybe my mum is jus nt as lazy as me.
k. i'm startin to think tt i'm jus an asshole. i'm blaming others for my own shit n incapability. n it's like i noe where my mistake is bt i'm jus nt doin anythin bout it! who or wat can provide me w e momentum n slap me right awake?
i really don't haf e ability to control my emotions. haiz. why m i such a piece of shit?
nw i feel tt i'm quite lost. i'm laggin behind in everythin. i jus wan to slack n sleep! i cannot find myself in sch too. bt i'm still nt losing myself. it's comfort n ease talkin to hargao. bt her good friend is obviously nt me. it's nt tt i wan to be her good fren. or like be her one n only good friend. bt normally obviously i can't jus stick to her or anythin. n i've to care for my fren. izzit lack of self-confidence at stake? or izzit jus dislike in e work of "ai4 wu1 ji2 wu1"? bt why do i feel tt everythin said is in e form of mockery? can't communicate w him, he's always so aggitated, luckily we're nt BGF. nt tt he's lousy, jus tt i dunno how to appreciate ba.
still weirdness in hist lessons. today finally stopped lookin away frm miss oon, n dun feel so sian in lessons le. bt lose e half-day still means sian. bt i still enjoyed today's lesson. i always can't wait to run out of e hist class, i always quickly siam w twin. i still dun feel good in e class. even if tong is there. tt day i was still like throwing tantrums wen i was doin grp work.
i think i m quite a selfish person ba. i wan things for myself only. i dun mind sharing w a few ppl. bt i think tt many ppl, i still feel uncomfortable ba. all e things tt i wanted to do, i suddenly feel tt they seem to haf lost their meaning. bt i think eventually i still will do?
hmm. actually it's jus empty promises or jus sms-spams. she's really a good friend, n she has shown it thru action, nt jus talk. nt "talk shop". bt i guess i still don't feel secured ba.
dunno if it makes sense. bt i'm nt a demanding person, jus tt i'm nt easily satisfied.
kheng.
04/05/09
i dun need ppl to treat me like little kid. bt i've failed to prove tt i can wake up on time, i can make time to prep my own breakfast. bt i really dun wan her to treat me like a little kid. yes. it might be convenience on her part. bt wen i mention it, i feel ashamed. i'm already 18! n wen i think of e fact tt compared to my sis wen she's 18, i feel tt i'm like so useless! i hate it! n it's like wen i give her a v bad attitude, it's like she doesn't deserve it, bt e ironic thing is i still wan to remain like this. haiz.
ya. she doesn't understand. i only noe if i were to tell her to stop doin all these things, she might feel v upset why m i alienating myself from her. bt i jus wan her to stop doin all these things. think is personal pride at stake for me ba. bt she doesn't understand! maybe i didn't attempt to make her understand ba.
i jus think n seriously hope tt i wun be this kind of spoon-feeding mum like my mum. i wan my children to be more disciplined n independent n self-reliant than me. e funny thing is i'm blaming all my laziness n shit on my mum?! lol. i dunno wat m i thinkin of. bt wen i repeatedly tell her to stop waking me up in e morn n she still does, izzit my fault 0r hers? actually e shitty thing is it's nt tt i wan to be reliant on her, i dun wan! i wan to wake up on my own! bt she jus dun wan to let me! oh man! why can this be like a point of wu nai for me? isn't it good tt she dun haf to wake me up? wah! maybe my mum is jus nt as lazy as me.
k. i'm startin to think tt i'm jus an asshole. i'm blaming others for my own shit n incapability. n it's like i noe where my mistake is bt i'm jus nt doin anythin bout it! who or wat can provide me w e momentum n slap me right awake?
i really don't haf e ability to control my emotions. haiz. why m i such a piece of shit?
nw i feel tt i'm quite lost. i'm laggin behind in everythin. i jus wan to slack n sleep! i cannot find myself in sch too. bt i'm still nt losing myself. it's comfort n ease talkin to hargao. bt her good friend is obviously nt me. it's nt tt i wan to be her good fren. or like be her one n only good friend. bt normally obviously i can't jus stick to her or anythin. n i've to care for my fren. izzit lack of self-confidence at stake? or izzit jus dislike in e work of "ai4 wu1 ji2 wu1"? bt why do i feel tt everythin said is in e form of mockery? can't communicate w him, he's always so aggitated, luckily we're nt BGF. nt tt he's lousy, jus tt i dunno how to appreciate ba.
still weirdness in hist lessons. today finally stopped lookin away frm miss oon, n dun feel so sian in lessons le. bt lose e half-day still means sian. bt i still enjoyed today's lesson. i always can't wait to run out of e hist class, i always quickly siam w twin. i still dun feel good in e class. even if tong is there. tt day i was still like throwing tantrums wen i was doin grp work.
i think i m quite a selfish person ba. i wan things for myself only. i dun mind sharing w a few ppl. bt i think tt many ppl, i still feel uncomfortable ba. all e things tt i wanted to do, i suddenly feel tt they seem to haf lost their meaning. bt i think eventually i still will do?
hmm. actually it's jus empty promises or jus sms-spams. she's really a good friend, n she has shown it thru action, nt jus talk. nt "talk shop". bt i guess i still don't feel secured ba.
dunno if it makes sense. bt i'm nt a demanding person, jus tt i'm nt easily satisfied.
kheng.
04/05/09
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Sometimes i really wonder whether am i employing double standards in treating n judging ppl. haiz.
i really like "the" mum for the past week when she didn't haf to work. maybe inside her she's worrying bout no work = no money. bt at least on e surface she really looked happy! it's like a break n haf much more time to relax n do things at her pace. she even came to see wat i was doin on e comp n asked if i was doin survey(when i was doin ih ppt). haiz.
it's nt tt i wan another mum. i noe tt wen ppl are busy(which is inevitable). we'll get a bit grouchy n more bad-tempered. at least i noe tt wen i'm flustered, i get really horrible! yep. bt wat kind of response was "mei you zhu shen me" wen i asked wat she's cookin tonight? man.
n i guess i quite mean. coz wen she gave me tt response. i told myself i wld give her back e same response. since she dunno hw to respect ppl. okay. might sound a bit harsh. bt serious mah.
n this is where i start thinkin whether m i employin double standards anot. haiz. if my friends do this to me, i prob wun treat them e same way. bt coz is my mum. tt's why i "retaliated". "action-reaction" according to e show "e choir" or sth. yep. i guess i've taken her for grated? haiz.
anw. today's tong's b-dae! wanted to crash her trg in sch. bt coz they had celebrations n i felt weird so i didn't go. wanted go her house bt in e end too lazy. haiz. i feel a bit bad. coz it's like my b-dae was 1 day b4 her match. she also came out. den nw her b-dae i slack at home!:S tho i did work till v late last night to bake a cookies-cake for her n attempted to do a card for her. n nw still got time, bt i really lazy! hee. jus took comfort in e fact tt she isn't too sian or anythin till now!:P hehee.
anw. really really upset tt tmr can't haf half-day! sian man!:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
kheng,
03/05/09
i really like "the" mum for the past week when she didn't haf to work. maybe inside her she's worrying bout no work = no money. bt at least on e surface she really looked happy! it's like a break n haf much more time to relax n do things at her pace. she even came to see wat i was doin on e comp n asked if i was doin survey(when i was doin ih ppt). haiz.
it's nt tt i wan another mum. i noe tt wen ppl are busy(which is inevitable). we'll get a bit grouchy n more bad-tempered. at least i noe tt wen i'm flustered, i get really horrible! yep. bt wat kind of response was "mei you zhu shen me" wen i asked wat she's cookin tonight? man.
n i guess i quite mean. coz wen she gave me tt response. i told myself i wld give her back e same response. since she dunno hw to respect ppl. okay. might sound a bit harsh. bt serious mah.
n this is where i start thinkin whether m i employin double standards anot. haiz. if my friends do this to me, i prob wun treat them e same way. bt coz is my mum. tt's why i "retaliated". "action-reaction" according to e show "e choir" or sth. yep. i guess i've taken her for grated? haiz.
anw. today's tong's b-dae! wanted to crash her trg in sch. bt coz they had celebrations n i felt weird so i didn't go. wanted go her house bt in e end too lazy. haiz. i feel a bit bad. coz it's like my b-dae was 1 day b4 her match. she also came out. den nw her b-dae i slack at home!:S tho i did work till v late last night to bake a cookies-cake for her n attempted to do a card for her. n nw still got time, bt i really lazy! hee. jus took comfort in e fact tt she isn't too sian or anythin till now!:P hehee.
anw. really really upset tt tmr can't haf half-day! sian man!:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
kheng,
03/05/09
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