Hehe! Nt too much a drop frm yest's mood! :) hehe! Still enjoyed myself today! Went seminar! Hhe! Today was more fun! :D hehe! Tink coz got concrete stuff to talk bout? :p hehehe! Den chionged back for lunch! Haha!
Goodness! Damn awkward! We jus walked interns by interns, den sups by sups! E seatin arrangement was such tt everyone sat nxt to/at least within same table as their sup, only i din! :p bt i kinda brought it upon myself! :p hahahah! Coz wen they asked me to sit nxt to kaiyi, my shocked face was like damn big! Den siew khim moved! & in e end, e 5 of us still sat nxt to each other! :p hahah! I did smile to my sup wen i was leavin to buy bubble tea! Haha! Dunno for wat also, bt jus smile lo! Haha! Den we jus walked back! Hehe! Got wait for them la.. Den walk walk also become me & huiwen at e back! :p hahah! Bt i was teasin nicole coz i was holdin huiwen den we started playin & overtook my sup & siew khim! Bt like tt luh. Haah! At least better than nv eat tgt! :p hahaha!
Yeah! Maybe end of placement, we can do it again! :p see if whether will haf change or not!
Den actualy quite tired frm all e travellin & all e perspiration! Omg! My whole shirt was wet i tink? Hehee! Wanted to go talk to my sup, den she walked off w cheryl! Thot she was gg for some meetin so i jus asked her if i was supposed to go outpatient! Den i went lo! Hehe!
Bt i saw her at bazaar area wen i was walkin there! She was buyin things!!!!!! Hahahah! Bt yeah.. So v awkward to jus smile mah.. So i told her i wan to see her lo! Since got e chance! :p haha! & yep! She agreed to see me at 4pm!
Went outpatient! Hahah! & michael & doris jus made me laugh & laugh! Haah! They so nice! Den i went to see all e forms at behind e SWA seat le! :p hehe! Shall ask doris more bout procedure tm! Shld b will haf chance! :)
& i finally noe SWA also can handle MF! Medifund! Hehehe! Bt only straight forward ones! Hahah!
Had a little bit of interaction w dya(is this hw to spell her name? :p) den jus nice coz asked her hw e case went yest also! Hehe! Kaypoh kaypoh a bit! :p bt curious to see wat interventions tbey took! :p
Yeah! Den my sup came to take cases! So of coz follow her rite! Hehehe! Yay! Den after e 2 cases went back w her for supervision! Hehe! Totally excited!!! Den.. Got crisis case! Really is threaten suicide! Bt phone jus ended coz public phone den pt no more coins! Omg! We spent 1 hour tryin to deal w it! Haha! Of coz i sit & watch! :p
Bt was cool! Heeh! Tho lunch was awkward, wen i was w my sup, i picked up frm where i left yest! So nt so scared & also talkin more casually! Jus tt i still dun dare to jus relax totally! Coz i'm scared la! Dunno wat is her 笑点 also! Ltr she diao me! Hehe!
Bt i felt tt it was still okay! Coz durin e 10mins supervision, i jus whacked & told her all my concerns! I din avoid her gaze! I din like hesistate in expression also! I jus said! Hehe! So tt was one..
& also like after e 2nd case, i jus immediately proposed e possibility of a befriender! Hehe! & i volunteered to go look for e resource if it exists! & durin e interview, she also asked me if i knew of any resource! Maybe coz she really dunno! Or maybe i nodded too vigorously she thot i knew! :p hahah! Bt yep! So i tink there was some kind of interaction! More of like a more "at ease" interaction? Hehe!
& also coz wen she was doin e crisis case, she asked me if she was over-worryin or e pt's wife thinkin too lightly! Hehe! Of coz i'm influenced by her flow! As in i tink wat she did made sense & coz she seemed to still haf some concerns, of coz i'm e play safe type! Hehe!
Bt she started sayin a bit bout hw e MCT has their SOP also & this is wat happens wen u work in big org! & also like no comments bout why e case sheet's referrals din come true & stuff! Haha! We din talk like hw we'll whine to our own peers la of coz! Bt jus talked lo! Haha!
Yep! Hehe! Nt bad! Quite happy w hw e day ended! Actualy i wanted to propose gg to outpatiet to return e casefile w her de leh! Bt dunno if she will find me walkin too slowly & also might haf silence! She was tired le! So was i! Din wan to make her haf to interact or ask a topic to talk to me! Hehe! Actually i can jus ask & initiate lah! Bt i shy! Hehe! Usually i initiate will b to ask bout e case! Haha!
Bt yep! Pleased w hw it went today! Really hectic! I was actually quite tired wen i sat down to start e supervision! & could tell my supwas tired also! Hehehe! Bt we jus hang-ed on! :p hehe! I'm kinda glad tt e supervision got postponed! Coz we were both tired! Heeh! & i wasn't absorbin/thinkin! I was absorbin, bt nt thinkin!
Nw i'm concerned wen we'll haf time for supervision! Lol! Hopefully thurs can luh! Hahah! Coz she is still at my wk 2's reflections! Hahah! She kinda "confessed "to me! Hahaha! She told me she left w one page! & haven't read last wk's! Heh!
Yah! Jus feel tt i shld stop slackin! E seminar ppl like all takin cases! & at IMH side also! Jus heard tt marian also no case! Bt brandon has quite a lot of plans for marian i feel! Hehe! Kaiyi is more flexi style de i feel! Hehe! Bt i'm ok! Up to me to take initiative! My situation quite alike jiahui's! Bt e biggest difference which i'm glad for is i noe kaiyi will process w me anytime i need it! Heh! Yep! :p she is busy, bt if i'm like feelin lost or anythin, i noe she will haf supervision w me like immediately! Hehe!
Yah! Heh! I might nt get quantity supervision, bt i get quality de! Heheheh! Jus nw wen she was sharin grp work stuff w me! As a form of processin w me.. She said sth & i was like i tink i noe where my prob/struggle stems frm: i feel tt i need to b e guru! & yes! I need to continue frm there! Bt jus nw no time lah! Sudden crisis! Hehe!
Yah! So i shld start pushin! & preparin myself for takin of case! Actually i've seen a lot le! & i tink after wat deborah said today, jus whack! Hahaha! & kaiyi say de mah.. It's e time to make mistakes! Hehe! & i felt a little better after e 2nd case today! Coz i felt tt i seem to noe hw to catch e underlyin msg he was conveyin! Heheheh!
Yah.. :)
Bt maybe for tt case only! & maybe coz kaiyi's qn were like guidin! Heheh!
Yep!! So nt bad! A tiring, eventful & also fruitful day!! :)
Yep! & heh! Jus nw received a sweet msg frm huiwen! She said she noe why we can get along so well! Hahahah! Coz horoscope! She's leo & i'm aries! Hehe! At least we identify w each other! & we heart heart each other! :D hehehehe!
Yah! Nt so much of rantin today! Jus regular update! Wat probably did affect me more is e yah photos! & e things tt liting is postin! Maybe she is truly inspired/excited/someone who opens up v quickly, bt she is too overt w her expression on fb le ba? Only wk 4 & she is thankin wyh for makin her placement such an enjoyable one! Day 2 she posted on my sup's fb sayin it is stalkin her fb makes her(LT) excited bout placement at yah? I tink i felt all those also ba! Bt i definitely din say them at day 2/wk 4! Yep! & her intern was callin her "sup" also! Goodness! Nt cannot lah! Hahaha! Bt i do haf this little bit of kena replaced feel! Hahaah!
Bt nt v strong! As i told dabong, nt jealous or anythin.. Jus a bit Zzz! Hahah! Well! I thot we broke record & nobody can forge such a strong bond w or sups like we did! Bt well, proven wrong! & if it's so "easily" achievable, den we aren't tt precious lo! Hahaha! Well! Maybe i'm also allowin kaiyi to replace "sup"! Haha! To me, they're separate entities! Haha! I feel tt i can! Hahah! Who noes? Maybe "sup" they all also feel e same way? Ahhaha! Bt it's jus tt kind of ppl cannot, i can kind of irrational confidence! :p
Bt i'm really okay lah! Hahah! Jus see hw things go after placement! :p if they end up closer, so be it! Hahaha! I'll b there for yah, no matter wat! Hehe! Bt if yah dun need me, i can ease away slowly too! :) heheh! Yep!
Reach le! Nt bad! Saw pingping & pau at seminar today! Lookin forward to nxt TCU(:p) w pingping! Hehe! & pau met her after work at Arnold's! :) hehehe!
Yep! Nw otw home! Omg! Gotta do research!!! For e disability project meetin tmr! I'm really a hell big procrastinator! Hipefully i get to sleep early tonight! :p or rather, jus nt too late! :p
Hehe!
Kheng :)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Happy!! :D
Yay! Today is a happy day!! :D hehe! Jus checked my CAP! Hahahah! Finally hit my 4! Haha! If i SU SS, might b higher! Hehe! Jus thinkin whether shld i or nt & whether izzit worth it! Hehe!
Yep! Bt child is miracluously a B+! hahahah! & hist is A-! Yay! & grp work as expected, B+! Was a little greedy & hopin for A- actually! :p bt satisfied enuf liao! SS was a B! SU-able! Hehehe! Yay!!!! First time i make it for my SW mods! Hahahah! Happy max! :D
Hehe! & this brings me to e bulk of e joy for today! Hahah! Kaiyi was tellin me she dun study de wen she was in uni! Tt's why nv take honours! Hahah! & she said i shld take! She said even if 2nd lower, pay gg to differ by $250? Omg!! Freak la!! A lot sia! Even if i dun stay, go be a trc.. Also will haf difference!! Plus i'm enjoyin my "MSW" trial-out period! At outpatient!! :D heheh! Bt yah.. Really depends on hw it goes as placement goes on & wen i start work also! :p
Bt anw! Happy coz today Had loads of fun again at work! :D hehe! Morn huiwen came in w her usual laughter! So happy! :D coz can see her innocent look! Heheh! Nicole seemed a little upset! Bt like also okay wen we were walkin back frm lunch! Hheh! Coz of my retardness! I only hope i aren't "burdenin" them! :p hehh! I like v extra there! Hehe!
Bt anw yep! Morn felt super bad! Like my sup came into pantry & i was sittin there w julia & hui en at 815?! Omg! I felt damn slack! Alr super 忐忑不安 le! & she really walked in! & jus felt like there goes my placement grades!! Hahah! Bt yep! Luckily it's okay in e end, i tink? Hehe! Yeah! So after tt went back & kept doin readings! Din dare to go bug her also! Coz she said she had nth else for me le mah.. Except packin of files & gg to see cases! Den marian nt ard! Bt after like 1hour plus (in between i was like upset coz still doin readings in like wk 4?! Julia walked past & commented "u still doin readings?!" & i was like.. "yah.. :(" heheh! Bt den kaiyi came to photocopy stuff & was like shocked to see me at my desk! Haha! Den she briefed me on e cabinet! Hehe! & after a while, she called me out for case! Hehe!
Had a case tt had things to discuss! Coz i had serious doubts bout e patient's carer's intentions! Hahah! E smug moment wen she asked "if u've to use a word to describe him, wat would it be?" & i said "manipulative!" & she went "excellent!" hahahah! Wat's there to b happy bout? Nt as if i could ans qn on resources! Hahah! Bt jus glad tt i got e right word! Felt tt i was in tuned! Hahaha! Happy! Hehe!
Bt today seemingly kaiyi looks less "dao1" wen w e patients! Maybe i'm used to her style alr? Hehe! Bt i could like "take it"! It din strike me as so cold like last wk!! Heheh!
Yah! & den jus go back sit down only she went out again to help another staff w e nursin home application! Saw hw it was done! Helped me a lot wen i was lookin thru e outpatient's forms after tt! Hehe! & jus learnt sth lo!
Yeah! & den went to Kaypoh bout miscomm btw counter staff & patient! Pt came to room 10 tho it's a doctor referral case! Hehe!
& den after tt went back to pack! & there's case again!! :D heheh! On bright smiles wenever there're cases! Wen i hear "kheng hwee!" den my mood will totally light up! Hahahah!
Yep! This case was more straight forward! Went to ask SWAs to help photocopy & jus asked kaiyi if she wanted e "certificate" or sth for e pt to present! Hee! Yep! Doin more stuff! Though it's jus like saigang! Hahah! Bt at least i asked k! Take initiative! Hehe!
& she was so blur! She wanted to go thru back door to room 10! Bt we were nt at e adjacent room! Haha! & wen she open & saw ppl, her face was like "oops!" den i jus laughed lo! Hahaha! Den she said "no wonder u go by e front door!" den i said "yah!" den she said "den u nv tell me!" hahahah! & i jus went "oops! :p" heheheh!
I'm like thrilled by small things! Heheh!
Den go back tt time got a bit of silence! Coz nth to ask bout e case! Hehe!
Bt wen we went, she asked me which yr i'm in & we talked bout honours! Tt's where she told me she nv study & wen i said i'm nt takin honours coz "i don't like macro stuff! & my frens nt takin!" & she immediately went "let's haf a talk bout this!" hahahah! So 亲切！hahah! Bt yah! E $250 really makin me super heart itchy leh! Bt e thot of nt havin frens to take w me is like... Actually jus nw dabong said den i realised only she nt takin! & maybe pau? Hehe! Bt these 2 r like most impt to me?! & i'm really like so hopin to grad nxt yr & haf ah ma attend my grad! & also to grad w pingping & e rest! Omg! I'm nt quite prepared to take another yr leh! Bt well.. I'll see how luh! Hehe! E $250 is really GOOD reason for me to take however tough it's gg to be!!
Yep! & went for grp work w clement after lunch! Wanted to go find kaiyi for "debrief" initially de! Coz a lot of emotions luh! & i jus felt like gg to her to update her, kinda let her noe y i went for lunch so early & also y i was missin frm outpatient(totally forgot she wun b on whole day duty).. Bt after tt i din go! Coz clement processed le! & i jus din wan to sai1 nai1! Hehe!
Yep! & went SOC.. Omg.. Nth to observe! So.. Cannot slack rite? & i'm supposed to b parked there rite? Hehe! So i went to read e folders in e drawer! It's like e cupboard i was supposed to pack! Jus tt this was in outpatient! A bit different! Bt i jus read thru them! Hehe! & at 5pm! Got 2 interestin cases! One was loan shark related! Hehe! E other was pt claimin bro/sis nt givin him $$ & beatin him up! So "excitin"! I like so bad! I'm nt gloating over others' misery k! Bt excitin mah! Hehe! I need motivation for work also! Hehe!
Yeah! Wanted to b translator for e other case de! Bt was at loan shark's case le! Like v rude to jus walk away(tho pt went out)! & din! Luckily! Omg! E other case so intense! Tt guy jus spoke v loudly! & glad i din do it! Coz it extended beyond 530 & everyone wanna pang gang liao! I so nt assertive! Sure end up delayin everyone de! Plus tt guy was pretty long-winded kind! Hehe!
Wanted to like "debrief" w jean on e wya back! Bt she wanted to stay & observe! & tho i wanted also, i left! Hehe! Den after i left, i felt like i'm so unwillin to learn - din stay beyond time! Hehe! Bt after tt, i thot it was okay luh.. On e acct tt all staff inside! I intern maybe they'll feel restricted & cannot rant? :( hehe! Bt yep! Anyways, i left! Hahaha! If nt would haf missed e chance to catch kaiyi at canteen & also e talk w julia on bus! Hehe!
Yeah! Bt anw, was jus happy! After tt wen julia asked den i realised i only had 3 cases! Bt felt like i saw a lot today! Hehe!
Oh yah! Got uncle scold me today! :( i looked at him coz i wanted to guide him to e SWA mah! Den he went "看什么看？！没有看过啊？" den i jus looked away quickly & followed my sup into e room! It came like an unexpected response! & i knew i could siam v fast! Haha! So i tink tt's why i wasn't v affected! :p hehe! Thank goodness!
Oh yah! E SOC parkin time was really funny! Hahaha! Doris cannot pronounce v accurately den Michael kept laughin at her!! Hahaha! Gaya was quite nice! She kept teasin me! She looks really fierce! Bt she took e initiative to talk to me! Nt sure if there're reasons, bt well.. Jus talk lo! Hehe! Since she's nice! :D
Yep! I haf faith i'm gg to love outpatient ppl! Hahahaha! Coz they v approachable lo! Hehe! Tho mchael likes to niao ppl! Haha! Usually there's my sup! Den he also wun niao me coz i tink i look innocent/retarded enuff? :p heheh! & i tink coz i've kaiyi to 罩着！:p
K! Continue ltr!
Hehe! Bathed! Ate! Drama-ed! & shitted! Heheheh!
Shall continue! :p heheh! Whatsapp keep comin in! I keep gettin interrupted! Coz i wanna reply! :p
Yep! So... Yep! Where did i stop? Yah lo! Actually m glad w e refuge i took over e weekend to drown myself in drama! Hehe! Coz i tink i was startin to feel a little depressed w hw things were gg! Felt v unloved! Hehe! Coz at first was sayin i choose who to walk w, bt actually it's like circular causality, julia & marian will jus walk tgt! Heheh! Den i'm like intrudin nicole & huiwen's life! Den my sup is like so busy! & like my frens all feel so far! I had pingping bt din wan to spam her too! Pau din seem too tired w things! Hehe! Felt a little bit of psuedo support w dabong.. So it's like.. Hmm...... I mentioned only SW frens coz they'll understand my situation a lot better! Hehe! Yeah!!!
So over e weekend took e respite! Drowned myself in loads of drama, loads of love! Hehe! Loads of "ideal" situations! Heheh! & wat emerges is e empowered me! Heheh!
& this morn went back! Huiwen greeted me w e awesome her! Hehe! & den could continue bein retarded in front of e rest! Lunch was pretty awesome! Heh! Actually wen we were walkin back, i deliberately walked slower, bt nicole saw me limpin & asked! Hehe! Super sweet & nice! Hehe! I really nt expectin a lot frm her & huiwen & julia, coz we're nt buddies! Bt they really treatin me v well so far! Heheh!
Yeah! So a higher self-esteem-ed me went back to work & received all e affirmations i needed! Heheh! Plus had work to do other than jus readings! & was out w my sup! Talked more! & was at favority outpatient!! :D hehehe! Yay!! Happy!
Shit! Wat if i've to start takin cases?! *jittery*
bt watever! At least today is a good day! :D felt really quite depressed for almost e whole of last wk? Or rather jus e last few days! Hehe! Yeah..
Bt anw! Hehe! Cannot missed out e awesome conclusion for today! Hehe! I stepped near office door could hear laughters! & i knew was nicole they all! & true enough! :D so happy to see them! They said will wait for me! So i chionged to pack bag! Wanted to show face to let kaiyi noe! Hehe! So i went over! Bt she was nt at her desk so i talked to brandon! Hehe! He is really super funny & cute! Bt definitely a nice guy! Hahah! He jus asked if i wanted to leave a msg or anythin! Den i jus said no prob, i'll talk to kaiyi tmr! Hehe! Yah! Hehe! Den i jus left! At least if kaiyi asks, brandon will say or maybe brandon will jus say? Haha! Kaiyi wun ask! Haha! Bt at least proof hor! someone saw me! :p heheheh!
Bt yah! Den come out couldn't find them, & i needed e toilet! So i went! Was on e phone w jie! Den aha! So kaiyi! Hahah! So after i hanged out, i called out for her! She din hear me & she turned into e cai fan area & walked out! Haha! I was thinkin whether to call out for her again or nt! Haha! Bt i jus did e 2nd time & she responded! Haha! She looked quite surprised to see me! Hehe! So i went over! Hehe! Den she jus asked y i so late & where i went! Hahaha! So i jus told her SOC.. Den i figured out she might b askin where i appeared frm? So i said toilet! Hahaha! Den she jus asked y so late & where e rest are! & hw's my afternoon! So of coz.. I will say "very excitin e cases!" hahahahah! Yay! Heheh! & i was gg off.. So she said we can talk more tmr! :) hehe!
& tt marked e end of my day 16 in IMH! Hehh! Pleased! :D
V glad w e interaction today!! :D heheh! Got breakthrough orh! Heheh! I tink nt worryin whether i m able to form a good bond w kaiyi helps? Hahah! Huiwen jus said "results dun determine who we r!" i quote "Relationships dun determine who we r!" hahaha! Bt no lah.. As in i tink there's no pt tryin so hard to break e ice! & blamin myself for puttin on e walls! Coz those things really jus came quite naturally to me! & i realised nt only me k! Haha! Sometimes wen we walk & there is silence, it's coz kaiyi nv ask anythin also! Hahaha! I'm quite kaypoh bout her stuff! Hehe! Jus tt i dun dare ask! Heheh!
Bt watever, i feel a lot more at ease nw! & as i told julia, i've decided to give up on hope of sittin down to process w kaiyi! Hehe! Coz she is so busy! I paiseh to go to her also to take up her time! & it's jus e "if i can hold it for 1hr, den tt means tt thing isn't botherin me a lot" mentality! Hehe! So if i dun ask immediately, den i might find it weird to touch on e issue again after tt! Yep! So? Jus ask! Hehe! Like i'm glad i touched on e topic jus nw! Bout my doubts towards tt guy! & feels more assurin wen my sup reaffirms my suspicions! As in wen she has e same sentiments! Hehe! Den i noe it's nt me who is being petty/mindful! Hehe! Cool!!
K! I'm sleepy! Heheh! Bt really v happy w today's exposure & interaction w peers & sup! Wat a lovely day!! <3 & darling results!! <3
Kheng.
Yep! Bt child is miracluously a B+! hahahah! & hist is A-! Yay! & grp work as expected, B+! Was a little greedy & hopin for A- actually! :p bt satisfied enuf liao! SS was a B! SU-able! Hehehe! Yay!!!! First time i make it for my SW mods! Hahahah! Happy max! :D
Hehe! & this brings me to e bulk of e joy for today! Hahah! Kaiyi was tellin me she dun study de wen she was in uni! Tt's why nv take honours! Hahah! & she said i shld take! She said even if 2nd lower, pay gg to differ by $250? Omg!! Freak la!! A lot sia! Even if i dun stay, go be a trc.. Also will haf difference!! Plus i'm enjoyin my "MSW" trial-out period! At outpatient!! :D heheh! Bt yah.. Really depends on hw it goes as placement goes on & wen i start work also! :p
Bt anw! Happy coz today Had loads of fun again at work! :D hehe! Morn huiwen came in w her usual laughter! So happy! :D coz can see her innocent look! Heheh! Nicole seemed a little upset! Bt like also okay wen we were walkin back frm lunch! Hheh! Coz of my retardness! I only hope i aren't "burdenin" them! :p hehh! I like v extra there! Hehe!
Bt anw yep! Morn felt super bad! Like my sup came into pantry & i was sittin there w julia & hui en at 815?! Omg! I felt damn slack! Alr super 忐忑不安 le! & she really walked in! & jus felt like there goes my placement grades!! Hahah! Bt yep! Luckily it's okay in e end, i tink? Hehe! Yeah! So after tt went back & kept doin readings! Din dare to go bug her also! Coz she said she had nth else for me le mah.. Except packin of files & gg to see cases! Den marian nt ard! Bt after like 1hour plus (in between i was like upset coz still doin readings in like wk 4?! Julia walked past & commented "u still doin readings?!" & i was like.. "yah.. :(" heheh! Bt den kaiyi came to photocopy stuff & was like shocked to see me at my desk! Haha! Den she briefed me on e cabinet! Hehe! & after a while, she called me out for case! Hehe!
Had a case tt had things to discuss! Coz i had serious doubts bout e patient's carer's intentions! Hahah! E smug moment wen she asked "if u've to use a word to describe him, wat would it be?" & i said "manipulative!" & she went "excellent!" hahahah! Wat's there to b happy bout? Nt as if i could ans qn on resources! Hahah! Bt jus glad tt i got e right word! Felt tt i was in tuned! Hahaha! Happy! Hehe!
Bt today seemingly kaiyi looks less "dao1" wen w e patients! Maybe i'm used to her style alr? Hehe! Bt i could like "take it"! It din strike me as so cold like last wk!! Heheh!
Yah! & den jus go back sit down only she went out again to help another staff w e nursin home application! Saw hw it was done! Helped me a lot wen i was lookin thru e outpatient's forms after tt! Hehe! & jus learnt sth lo!
Yeah! & den went to Kaypoh bout miscomm btw counter staff & patient! Pt came to room 10 tho it's a doctor referral case! Hehe!
& den after tt went back to pack! & there's case again!! :D heheh! On bright smiles wenever there're cases! Wen i hear "kheng hwee!" den my mood will totally light up! Hahahah!
Yep! This case was more straight forward! Went to ask SWAs to help photocopy & jus asked kaiyi if she wanted e "certificate" or sth for e pt to present! Hee! Yep! Doin more stuff! Though it's jus like saigang! Hahah! Bt at least i asked k! Take initiative! Hehe!
& she was so blur! She wanted to go thru back door to room 10! Bt we were nt at e adjacent room! Haha! & wen she open & saw ppl, her face was like "oops!" den i jus laughed lo! Hahaha! Den she said "no wonder u go by e front door!" den i said "yah!" den she said "den u nv tell me!" hahahah! & i jus went "oops! :p" heheheh!
I'm like thrilled by small things! Heheh!
Den go back tt time got a bit of silence! Coz nth to ask bout e case! Hehe!
Bt wen we went, she asked me which yr i'm in & we talked bout honours! Tt's where she told me she nv study & wen i said i'm nt takin honours coz "i don't like macro stuff! & my frens nt takin!" & she immediately went "let's haf a talk bout this!" hahahah! So 亲切！hahah! Bt yah! E $250 really makin me super heart itchy leh! Bt e thot of nt havin frens to take w me is like... Actually jus nw dabong said den i realised only she nt takin! & maybe pau? Hehe! Bt these 2 r like most impt to me?! & i'm really like so hopin to grad nxt yr & haf ah ma attend my grad! & also to grad w pingping & e rest! Omg! I'm nt quite prepared to take another yr leh! Bt well.. I'll see how luh! Hehe! E $250 is really GOOD reason for me to take however tough it's gg to be!!
Yep! & went for grp work w clement after lunch! Wanted to go find kaiyi for "debrief" initially de! Coz a lot of emotions luh! & i jus felt like gg to her to update her, kinda let her noe y i went for lunch so early & also y i was missin frm outpatient(totally forgot she wun b on whole day duty).. Bt after tt i din go! Coz clement processed le! & i jus din wan to sai1 nai1! Hehe!
Yep! & went SOC.. Omg.. Nth to observe! So.. Cannot slack rite? & i'm supposed to b parked there rite? Hehe! So i went to read e folders in e drawer! It's like e cupboard i was supposed to pack! Jus tt this was in outpatient! A bit different! Bt i jus read thru them! Hehe! & at 5pm! Got 2 interestin cases! One was loan shark related! Hehe! E other was pt claimin bro/sis nt givin him $$ & beatin him up! So "excitin"! I like so bad! I'm nt gloating over others' misery k! Bt excitin mah! Hehe! I need motivation for work also! Hehe!
Yeah! Wanted to b translator for e other case de! Bt was at loan shark's case le! Like v rude to jus walk away(tho pt went out)! & din! Luckily! Omg! E other case so intense! Tt guy jus spoke v loudly! & glad i din do it! Coz it extended beyond 530 & everyone wanna pang gang liao! I so nt assertive! Sure end up delayin everyone de! Plus tt guy was pretty long-winded kind! Hehe!
Wanted to like "debrief" w jean on e wya back! Bt she wanted to stay & observe! & tho i wanted also, i left! Hehe! Den after i left, i felt like i'm so unwillin to learn - din stay beyond time! Hehe! Bt after tt, i thot it was okay luh.. On e acct tt all staff inside! I intern maybe they'll feel restricted & cannot rant? :( hehe! Bt yep! Anyways, i left! Hahaha! If nt would haf missed e chance to catch kaiyi at canteen & also e talk w julia on bus! Hehe!
Yeah! Bt anw, was jus happy! After tt wen julia asked den i realised i only had 3 cases! Bt felt like i saw a lot today! Hehe!
Oh yah! Got uncle scold me today! :( i looked at him coz i wanted to guide him to e SWA mah! Den he went "看什么看？！没有看过啊？" den i jus looked away quickly & followed my sup into e room! It came like an unexpected response! & i knew i could siam v fast! Haha! So i tink tt's why i wasn't v affected! :p hehe! Thank goodness!
Oh yah! E SOC parkin time was really funny! Hahaha! Doris cannot pronounce v accurately den Michael kept laughin at her!! Hahaha! Gaya was quite nice! She kept teasin me! She looks really fierce! Bt she took e initiative to talk to me! Nt sure if there're reasons, bt well.. Jus talk lo! Hehe! Since she's nice! :D
Yep! I haf faith i'm gg to love outpatient ppl! Hahahaha! Coz they v approachable lo! Hehe! Tho mchael likes to niao ppl! Haha! Usually there's my sup! Den he also wun niao me coz i tink i look innocent/retarded enuff? :p heheh! & i tink coz i've kaiyi to 罩着！:p
K! Continue ltr!
Hehe! Bathed! Ate! Drama-ed! & shitted! Heheheh!
Shall continue! :p heheh! Whatsapp keep comin in! I keep gettin interrupted! Coz i wanna reply! :p
Yep! So... Yep! Where did i stop? Yah lo! Actually m glad w e refuge i took over e weekend to drown myself in drama! Hehe! Coz i tink i was startin to feel a little depressed w hw things were gg! Felt v unloved! Hehe! Coz at first was sayin i choose who to walk w, bt actually it's like circular causality, julia & marian will jus walk tgt! Heheh! Den i'm like intrudin nicole & huiwen's life! Den my sup is like so busy! & like my frens all feel so far! I had pingping bt din wan to spam her too! Pau din seem too tired w things! Hehe! Felt a little bit of psuedo support w dabong.. So it's like.. Hmm...... I mentioned only SW frens coz they'll understand my situation a lot better! Hehe! Yeah!!!
So over e weekend took e respite! Drowned myself in loads of drama, loads of love! Hehe! Loads of "ideal" situations! Heheh! & wat emerges is e empowered me! Heheh!
& this morn went back! Huiwen greeted me w e awesome her! Hehe! & den could continue bein retarded in front of e rest! Lunch was pretty awesome! Heh! Actually wen we were walkin back, i deliberately walked slower, bt nicole saw me limpin & asked! Hehe! Super sweet & nice! Hehe! I really nt expectin a lot frm her & huiwen & julia, coz we're nt buddies! Bt they really treatin me v well so far! Heheh!
Yeah! So a higher self-esteem-ed me went back to work & received all e affirmations i needed! Heheh! Plus had work to do other than jus readings! & was out w my sup! Talked more! & was at favority outpatient!! :D hehehe! Yay!! Happy!
Shit! Wat if i've to start takin cases?! *jittery*
bt watever! At least today is a good day! :D felt really quite depressed for almost e whole of last wk? Or rather jus e last few days! Hehe! Yeah..
Bt anw! Hehe! Cannot missed out e awesome conclusion for today! Hehe! I stepped near office door could hear laughters! & i knew was nicole they all! & true enough! :D so happy to see them! They said will wait for me! So i chionged to pack bag! Wanted to show face to let kaiyi noe! Hehe! So i went over! Bt she was nt at her desk so i talked to brandon! Hehe! He is really super funny & cute! Bt definitely a nice guy! Hahah! He jus asked if i wanted to leave a msg or anythin! Den i jus said no prob, i'll talk to kaiyi tmr! Hehe! Yah! Hehe! Den i jus left! At least if kaiyi asks, brandon will say or maybe brandon will jus say? Haha! Kaiyi wun ask! Haha! Bt at least proof hor! someone saw me! :p heheheh!
Bt yah! Den come out couldn't find them, & i needed e toilet! So i went! Was on e phone w jie! Den aha! So kaiyi! Hahah! So after i hanged out, i called out for her! She din hear me & she turned into e cai fan area & walked out! Haha! I was thinkin whether to call out for her again or nt! Haha! Bt i jus did e 2nd time & she responded! Haha! She looked quite surprised to see me! Hehe! So i went over! Hehe! Den she jus asked y i so late & where i went! Hahaha! So i jus told her SOC.. Den i figured out she might b askin where i appeared frm? So i said toilet! Hahaha! Den she jus asked y so late & where e rest are! & hw's my afternoon! So of coz.. I will say "very excitin e cases!" hahahahah! Yay! Heheh! & i was gg off.. So she said we can talk more tmr! :) hehe!
& tt marked e end of my day 16 in IMH! Hehh! Pleased! :D
V glad w e interaction today!! :D heheh! Got breakthrough orh! Heheh! I tink nt worryin whether i m able to form a good bond w kaiyi helps? Hahah! Huiwen jus said "results dun determine who we r!" i quote "Relationships dun determine who we r!" hahaha! Bt no lah.. As in i tink there's no pt tryin so hard to break e ice! & blamin myself for puttin on e walls! Coz those things really jus came quite naturally to me! & i realised nt only me k! Haha! Sometimes wen we walk & there is silence, it's coz kaiyi nv ask anythin also! Hahaha! I'm quite kaypoh bout her stuff! Hehe! Jus tt i dun dare ask! Heheh!
Bt watever, i feel a lot more at ease nw! & as i told julia, i've decided to give up on hope of sittin down to process w kaiyi! Hehe! Coz she is so busy! I paiseh to go to her also to take up her time! & it's jus e "if i can hold it for 1hr, den tt means tt thing isn't botherin me a lot" mentality! Hehe! So if i dun ask immediately, den i might find it weird to touch on e issue again after tt! Yep! So? Jus ask! Hehe! Like i'm glad i touched on e topic jus nw! Bout my doubts towards tt guy! & feels more assurin wen my sup reaffirms my suspicions! As in wen she has e same sentiments! Hehe! Den i noe it's nt me who is being petty/mindful! Hehe! Cool!!
K! I'm sleepy! Heheh! Bt really v happy w today's exposure & interaction w peers & sup! Wat a lovely day!! <3 & darling results!! <3
Kheng.
Friday, May 25, 2012
A little
Jiatlat! Everyday go back also a little moody! Bt stop! Actually it's up to me to stop e negative thots rite? Why do i say tt i can't? Actually it's really nt easy! Bt it's "unachievable" coz i tell myself nt to try! Hehe! I'm actually allowin myself to indulge in all e emotions! Includin emo ones! Hehe! I might b able to overcome it de!
& quite sick of bloggin bout similar things everyday! I can go on & on! Bt tink i shld stop luh.. Hehe! Or maybe today is jus bearable, tt's why no need to rant! :p hehe!
Yep! Tt's it! TGIF! :D
Kheng:)
& quite sick of bloggin bout similar things everyday! I can go on & on! Bt tink i shld stop luh.. Hehe! Or maybe today is jus bearable, tt's why no need to rant! :p hehe!
Yep! Tt's it! TGIF! :D
Kheng:)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Pek chek!
Wah sian! Everyday i also kena pissed off! Sth to trigger me off everyday! :/ this can't go on man! Luckily my blog isn't a human being! If nt it'll b sick of all my rantin!
Yah.. Cannot take it.. E way e discussion went! I din wan to give in! Coz i dun wan to b a turtle! I wan to b e ___ forgot which animal kinda represent e best style of handlin conflict! :p heheh! Yah.. Other things i can give in.. Bt if i dun tink it shld b done this way, i jus dun give in! Maybe she was usin silence to tink of a 两全其美 solution! Bt to me, she is waitin for me to give in.. & i'm not! Heh! It's nt bout being stubborn! I only stand by wat i tink r good ideas! & it's bout e idea k! Nt bout e person or pride k! Tho i often haf to manage my own pride of coz! :p
& jus pek chek by her non verbals! Roll eyes & everythin else!! Arghh!!!! I kinda raised my voice a little jus nw at sentence 1! Bt i became aware & told myself, no use turnin it into a heated argument! So i pulled myself back! Well! I'm proud of my self-awareness & my ability to hold it back!
Yah.. & dunno i sensitive or wat.. Bt i tink nicole like nt v happy alr? Sometimes i also tink she nt happy w me! & sometimes huiwen also! Coz of e way they talk.. Really like wts r u sayin like tt! & i also dun wan to keep gettin in between nicole & huiwen! & maybe coz julia nt ard as often so recently got changes in dynamics! Bt yah..
& actually! I might b e odd one out! Coz nicole & hw r tgt! Den marian & julia nw auto walk tgt! Hehe! Bt it's ok! I jus deliberately walk away frm nicole & hw coz i dun wan to intrude too much! Hehe! & omg! I'm e left out one! *cries* nt tt they deliberately leave me out! Bt i feel tt i'm e one who dun exactly fit in! & i'm jus tryin to b careful! Coz given walkin speed, i naturally belong to e 2nd grp! :p bt it's bout private space again!! Heheh!
I noe i tink a lot! Bt my strategy all along has been to err on e safe side! Heh!
Yep! & those feelings of coz dun make me feel good! Coz i seem to b seeing loads of potential conflict? & my own loneliness! Hehe! Jiatlat! I like so lame!
Bt anw! Yep! Jus nw i din barge! Conflict is unavoidable! & i din wan to give in jus to avoid it! It's bout being assertive!!!! Hehh! Yep! :p
Bt i dun like to b in it! & jus nw was jus pekchek liao! Still take bus tgt! I'll die! As in i wan to give myself e space i wan & need to rant! Plus she bs mah, so why put 2 such ppl tgt? Maybe she wasn't! Bt she jus rolled eyes & made me feel tt she is pek chek! So.... Hang e 免战牌！yah!
Recently being in e emotion roller coaster again! I feel upset, lonely, uncomfortable wen i tink of e 5 ppl dynamics.. Or rather my involvement/role in e dynamics.. & feel pekchek w my interaction w m & den feel lost as to hw to interact w my sup! & feel happy to b in outpatient! So is really all kinds of emotions! & i can experience extremes! Jus like tt day, tues i tink! Was tinkin e lunch interaction wasn't v comfy! Bt e outpatient after tt totally excited me! Yep!
& w my sup, it's back to e issue of wat is her approach towards client! Every time we sit down, den i feel tt she is like v harsh towards patients! Yest was talkin to liang yi as we were walkin back after i sat in for her session! Den she said "yah.. Kaiyi is good!" & i was reminded of hw full of praises i was of her! & it kinda like shook me a little again! Told me tt, i can haf faith in kaiyi! Wat's there to doubt?
Coz i was totally stunned w her interaction w patients! In fact to e extent of being uncomfortable leh! Yest was writin reflections for mon-wed! & i tink i did note down my feelings! Coz mon was jus wah! So much to observe, tink & feel & nt sittin down to write it down totally din help! Plus i was still "questionin" wat kind of worker my sup is!
Bt e way she talks to me! Nt tt kind leh! Firstly, durin our first few initial talks, she was super nurturin! Den durin e past wk, i realised she would b pushin me to tink! I dun tink she tinks MDT is useless leh! Nt tt kind of play play take everythin for fun kind leh! Cox she is really cheeky wen she is w e SWAs & also other colleagues! As in she was really tt kind of believe in talkin nicely to patients kind leh! Bt wen i see her do it, i totally taken aback!
I dun tink my sittin in affected her! She is so pro & experienced! Bt jus nw wen i was busy helpin another client find her missin stuff, i heard her talk to e client! V nice leh! Or izzit coz i missed out her facial expressions! Her facial expressions usually make me feel tt she is v fierce to e patients!
So i also dunno leh! & after tt, she asked me "wat do u observe me doin?" omg! Ginn's session i wrote a hell lot bout micro skills! Bt i dunno wat to say for my sup leh! & maybe she was jus askin me hw she complete e financial form? Bt omg! & again, i went on to ask a superficial qn like hw to decide hw much assistance to give for Medifund! Nt tt it's superficial! It's super impt! & really a qn i wan to find out more! Bt it's nt tt kind of touch on emotions kind! So really like super cui! Omg! Dunno if she feels it, bt i'm super reflective in my reflections bt wen i'm talkin to her, all retracted! :/ haiz!
Bt at least e interaction is a little more at ease nw? I nt tt scared! & will jus tell her things & jus nw e Medifund! I asked! Coz I really tink i've to ask! If nt, it's nt good for my learnin! Clement & liangyi i asked a hell lot! Bt w kaiyi, i jus silent even tho 10000 qn were in my brain! Yep! So i made this breakthrough today! & this shldn't b a prob! Coz i still haf a lot of qn to ask! :p hahahah!
Bt yep! Really is a mixed feelin towards my sup! I tink i've this idea tt supervisors/bosses need to b e almighty, noe everythin! & cannot challenge them coz they'll feel awkward! Or maybe i'll feel awkward for challengin them!
So it's like in my reflections, i might point out wat i tink could haf been done better in others' cases, bt jus nt my sup's! I dun dare! Bt at least i'm aware of why do i nt dare! Bt hw m i gg to overcome this?
Jus nw kaiyi asked "wat do u observe me doin?" i could haf jus asked! Bt no courage.. & maybe i tink if i point it out, it's gg to b awkward & our r/s wun b good? Lol! Nt as in it's v good nw also lah! Haha!
Bt kaiyi is jus amazin! Nicole came & told my sup has a kid! Omg! I totally stunned! She is only 28 leh! & nicole said she said her son noes hw to say sorry w hand action! Omg! Tt means at least 2 yrs old? Omg! & she totally dun look like lah! She is so pretty, so young, so hip, so pro & so cheeky! None of e criteria fits a mum! Lol! & e thing is she is nt excited at all! Hahaha! As in she doesn't say anythin! Maybe she will say i nv ask rite? Bt if i ask, den she'll b like "nicole go & tell u?" bt i noe she sure noe we gossip de! Hahaha! Bt i really stunned! & jus nw wen we were leavin, i saw her change into sports attire! Is she gg joggin?! Omg! Really is hipster!
It's e "perfect" image being fostered again! I also thot of "sup" as being perfect & it kinda made me feel inadequate in front of her! Like wat kind of student i'm! Like so stupid & nt havin any of e qualities i see in her! Omg! Is there an attachment issue here? Why do i haf to b matched up to my sup? Or in fact any fren! Or do i've a self-image prob? Lol! Goodness!
Bt yep! Anw, i kinda nt hopin so hard to form a close r/s w my sup le! I kinda feel tt it's v hard! Maybe it's her, maybe it's myself? I also dunno! Bt heck! Hahah! As long as i enjoy myself at outpatient & i get loads of guidance under her can le! Hehe! I shld b spendin my time thinkin of hw to do an interview if i'm being thrown w e case & hw to conduct mon's grp work's ice-breakers lo! Lol!
Yep! & tink i'm unlikely to b gg back to IMH eventually anyway! Hehe! I jus tink tt sayin u work in IMH is totally so cool! & so far, e outpatient & E-room cases r so fun & cool! Heheh! Bt i dun like e MDTs! & department too big plus i intern b4, i v scared of being gossiped/alienated & stufff! As in there r cliques! I really m thinkin where i'll fit in! Maybe by e time i graduate, there will b other ppl joinin w me? Bt i'm scared! & i jus v scared of r/s changin dynamics! It's like my sup is becomin my colleague! I tink i'll treat her like a sup forever! Yah! Tink v far! Bt i really tink sayin i work w mentally ill patients is so freakingly cool! Mus b e "on call 36 小时＂ show also!!! Hahah!!
Bt yeah! I'll see hw! I feel comfy nw coz of e other 4 interns, coz everyone treats u as interns, i noe i've someone to take care of me - kaiyi tho she is v busy & will leave me alone also lah! Haha! & maybe coz it's new! So everythin v fresh! & i jus like havin my own table luh! Hahaha! Maybe by wk 10 i'll nt b interested in comin back liao! & maybe things will jus change! Coz nw is jus observe! & see! By then, it's doin it!!! Yep! Bt i like e challenge of e dynamic nature of our work! Hahahah! I mean w outpatient & E-room! Heheh!
Yeah! Bt will see hw! After 10 wks if i'm really okay w workin in this setting, i might consider mid-term scholarship! Hehe! Or jus gg into this field after i graduate! Let's see hw things go! :D hehe! Bt at least i can feel e passion! Haha! Wonderin wat m i gg to do tmr! I wan supervision!!!
Yep! Endin w hopeful things do change my mood & take my mind off things tt pissed me off! Heh! Bt it's gg to b a long long way home! Hehe!
& tmr is friday! & end of wk 3! Haha! I kinda dun wan placement to end so early nw! Same as tt time at yah! Lol!! Bt i guess, it's nt up to me to decide! & maybe by mid-placemnt, i'll change my mind? & of coz i've faith in my ability to re-adapt to no placement days! & post-placement still presents loads of hope & fun! Heheh! Bt for me, it's really bout nt growin too attached to ppl at work! Coz this isn't yah! I wun come back in future liao! & if i do come back for work in future, den things will change also! Den by then, e ppl wun matter as much to me liao! Coz can see everyday! :p hahaha! Bt unlikely! Yep! Nw is bout nt growin too attached to ppl, esp my sup! Intern frens wise, shld b okay! Hehe! Coz i'm still in e doubtin whether they like me or nt stage! Hehe! Of coz i dun tink kaiyi likes me a lot (nt tt she is showin signs tt she hates me), bt i'll still grow attached to her also! Coz she is my sup! Heeh! & she has been extremely pleasant thus far!
Hehe! I really tink i've attachment issues! I grow too attached to ppl too quickly! Haiz! For yah's side, yao bu shi dashen's incident, e attachment will still b there! I'll still b super sticky!
Yep! So izzit jus let myself experience e fill intensity of emotions? Grow attached & den learn to let go! Or stop myself frm
Growin attached so tt i regulate my emotions better? It's nt only bout choice, bt also bout doin it! Heh!
Aiyah! Dun worry la! I tink i'm kinda worried tt i dun find awesome ppl in future wen i go out to work in future! Heh! Dun tink tt much!
Really v scared tt tinkin too much will drive me mad in future! :p heheh! Or nw?! Omg!!!
Bt anw! Jus nw nearly died! Coz of e ice-cream & e thick chocolate at pepper lunch yest, i had a sore throat today! Nt tt sore yet, bt can feel e onset totaly liao! Den jus nw after lunch, full & sleepy & unwell! Den sat in for e systemic trg! Omg! Really nearly died inside! & coz of e air-con also! & nose became blocked! Brain also was like empty! & i tink it's empty also coz yest din get enough sleep! :p hehe! Coz was reflectin! Heheh! So proud of my reflections! I feel tt i'm touchin on inner stuff! Hehe! Bt i gotta keep my learnin goals in mind man! Hope nt only to enjoy placement, leave sup, colleagues & intern frens w a good impression, bt also bout achievin my goals! To become a good worker in future & also, i hope to b a "smart" student! Nt as in noe everythin kind of smart, bt haf potential, do improve kind of smart! Tink it boils down to my self-esteem also! Hehe!
Bt i mus say, i'm really happy & glad tt i see an area of direct practice whereby i can enjoy myself! Actually i need gratification! I need to see some results! If indirect work, nt too sure whether will i sustain or nt! & a little bit far frm wat i envisioned - to b workin directly w e ppl i wan to help! Hehe! Bt b4 this, direct work is like casework/grpwork! I both CMI! & i feel so inadequate tt it doesn't look like a good idea to me at all! Bt these 3 wks at IMH haf provided me w
1) hope tt i can improve on my micro skills(v much coz i noe kaiyi can lead me well)
2) e exp tt i can b enjoyin direct work! Hehehe!
Maybe this is called sucked into culture like wat dr nair says, maybe i'm findin e easy way out coz financial aid seems so much easier to do! It's like i imagine myself bein attached to e wards, i tink my passion level will drop a lot!!! & i tink coz i got e coolest sup! Hehh!
Yeah! Bt i tink i've to find things tt i like also! If nt i can't even stay in this field! Jus hope i dun get too comfortable & nt improve further! Hehe! Bt e key is really jus to stay in this field first! I'm subscribin to e notion tt MSW is more superior also! Heheh! Bt no! I dun look down on other SW! Hehe! I tink we're all awesome! Coz we're social workers! Heheh! Jus tt MSW jus sounds so cool! Heheheh! I noe i'm quite kiddy! Bt these r my true thots mah! No pt tryin to suppress them also! Hehe!
Bt yep! So glad tt i'm endin on such a hopeful note! Hehe!
Kheng :)
Yah.. Cannot take it.. E way e discussion went! I din wan to give in! Coz i dun wan to b a turtle! I wan to b e ___ forgot which animal kinda represent e best style of handlin conflict! :p heheh! Yah.. Other things i can give in.. Bt if i dun tink it shld b done this way, i jus dun give in! Maybe she was usin silence to tink of a 两全其美 solution! Bt to me, she is waitin for me to give in.. & i'm not! Heh! It's nt bout being stubborn! I only stand by wat i tink r good ideas! & it's bout e idea k! Nt bout e person or pride k! Tho i often haf to manage my own pride of coz! :p
& jus pek chek by her non verbals! Roll eyes & everythin else!! Arghh!!!! I kinda raised my voice a little jus nw at sentence 1! Bt i became aware & told myself, no use turnin it into a heated argument! So i pulled myself back! Well! I'm proud of my self-awareness & my ability to hold it back!
Yah.. & dunno i sensitive or wat.. Bt i tink nicole like nt v happy alr? Sometimes i also tink she nt happy w me! & sometimes huiwen also! Coz of e way they talk.. Really like wts r u sayin like tt! & i also dun wan to keep gettin in between nicole & huiwen! & maybe coz julia nt ard as often so recently got changes in dynamics! Bt yah..
& actually! I might b e odd one out! Coz nicole & hw r tgt! Den marian & julia nw auto walk tgt! Hehe! Bt it's ok! I jus deliberately walk away frm nicole & hw coz i dun wan to intrude too much! Hehe! & omg! I'm e left out one! *cries* nt tt they deliberately leave me out! Bt i feel tt i'm e one who dun exactly fit in! & i'm jus tryin to b careful! Coz given walkin speed, i naturally belong to e 2nd grp! :p bt it's bout private space again!! Heheh!
I noe i tink a lot! Bt my strategy all along has been to err on e safe side! Heh!
Yep! & those feelings of coz dun make me feel good! Coz i seem to b seeing loads of potential conflict? & my own loneliness! Hehe! Jiatlat! I like so lame!
Bt anw! Yep! Jus nw i din barge! Conflict is unavoidable! & i din wan to give in jus to avoid it! It's bout being assertive!!!! Hehh! Yep! :p
Bt i dun like to b in it! & jus nw was jus pekchek liao! Still take bus tgt! I'll die! As in i wan to give myself e space i wan & need to rant! Plus she bs mah, so why put 2 such ppl tgt? Maybe she wasn't! Bt she jus rolled eyes & made me feel tt she is pek chek! So.... Hang e 免战牌！yah!
Recently being in e emotion roller coaster again! I feel upset, lonely, uncomfortable wen i tink of e 5 ppl dynamics.. Or rather my involvement/role in e dynamics.. & feel pekchek w my interaction w m & den feel lost as to hw to interact w my sup! & feel happy to b in outpatient! So is really all kinds of emotions! & i can experience extremes! Jus like tt day, tues i tink! Was tinkin e lunch interaction wasn't v comfy! Bt e outpatient after tt totally excited me! Yep!
& w my sup, it's back to e issue of wat is her approach towards client! Every time we sit down, den i feel tt she is like v harsh towards patients! Yest was talkin to liang yi as we were walkin back after i sat in for her session! Den she said "yah.. Kaiyi is good!" & i was reminded of hw full of praises i was of her! & it kinda like shook me a little again! Told me tt, i can haf faith in kaiyi! Wat's there to doubt?
Coz i was totally stunned w her interaction w patients! In fact to e extent of being uncomfortable leh! Yest was writin reflections for mon-wed! & i tink i did note down my feelings! Coz mon was jus wah! So much to observe, tink & feel & nt sittin down to write it down totally din help! Plus i was still "questionin" wat kind of worker my sup is!
Bt e way she talks to me! Nt tt kind leh! Firstly, durin our first few initial talks, she was super nurturin! Den durin e past wk, i realised she would b pushin me to tink! I dun tink she tinks MDT is useless leh! Nt tt kind of play play take everythin for fun kind leh! Cox she is really cheeky wen she is w e SWAs & also other colleagues! As in she was really tt kind of believe in talkin nicely to patients kind leh! Bt wen i see her do it, i totally taken aback!
I dun tink my sittin in affected her! She is so pro & experienced! Bt jus nw wen i was busy helpin another client find her missin stuff, i heard her talk to e client! V nice leh! Or izzit coz i missed out her facial expressions! Her facial expressions usually make me feel tt she is v fierce to e patients!
So i also dunno leh! & after tt, she asked me "wat do u observe me doin?" omg! Ginn's session i wrote a hell lot bout micro skills! Bt i dunno wat to say for my sup leh! & maybe she was jus askin me hw she complete e financial form? Bt omg! & again, i went on to ask a superficial qn like hw to decide hw much assistance to give for Medifund! Nt tt it's superficial! It's super impt! & really a qn i wan to find out more! Bt it's nt tt kind of touch on emotions kind! So really like super cui! Omg! Dunno if she feels it, bt i'm super reflective in my reflections bt wen i'm talkin to her, all retracted! :/ haiz!
Bt at least e interaction is a little more at ease nw? I nt tt scared! & will jus tell her things & jus nw e Medifund! I asked! Coz I really tink i've to ask! If nt, it's nt good for my learnin! Clement & liangyi i asked a hell lot! Bt w kaiyi, i jus silent even tho 10000 qn were in my brain! Yep! So i made this breakthrough today! & this shldn't b a prob! Coz i still haf a lot of qn to ask! :p hahahah!
Bt yep! Really is a mixed feelin towards my sup! I tink i've this idea tt supervisors/bosses need to b e almighty, noe everythin! & cannot challenge them coz they'll feel awkward! Or maybe i'll feel awkward for challengin them!
So it's like in my reflections, i might point out wat i tink could haf been done better in others' cases, bt jus nt my sup's! I dun dare! Bt at least i'm aware of why do i nt dare! Bt hw m i gg to overcome this?
Jus nw kaiyi asked "wat do u observe me doin?" i could haf jus asked! Bt no courage.. & maybe i tink if i point it out, it's gg to b awkward & our r/s wun b good? Lol! Nt as in it's v good nw also lah! Haha!
Bt kaiyi is jus amazin! Nicole came & told my sup has a kid! Omg! I totally stunned! She is only 28 leh! & nicole said she said her son noes hw to say sorry w hand action! Omg! Tt means at least 2 yrs old? Omg! & she totally dun look like lah! She is so pretty, so young, so hip, so pro & so cheeky! None of e criteria fits a mum! Lol! & e thing is she is nt excited at all! Hahaha! As in she doesn't say anythin! Maybe she will say i nv ask rite? Bt if i ask, den she'll b like "nicole go & tell u?" bt i noe she sure noe we gossip de! Hahaha! Bt i really stunned! & jus nw wen we were leavin, i saw her change into sports attire! Is she gg joggin?! Omg! Really is hipster!
It's e "perfect" image being fostered again! I also thot of "sup" as being perfect & it kinda made me feel inadequate in front of her! Like wat kind of student i'm! Like so stupid & nt havin any of e qualities i see in her! Omg! Is there an attachment issue here? Why do i haf to b matched up to my sup? Or in fact any fren! Or do i've a self-image prob? Lol! Goodness!
Bt yep! Anw, i kinda nt hopin so hard to form a close r/s w my sup le! I kinda feel tt it's v hard! Maybe it's her, maybe it's myself? I also dunno! Bt heck! Hahah! As long as i enjoy myself at outpatient & i get loads of guidance under her can le! Hehe! I shld b spendin my time thinkin of hw to do an interview if i'm being thrown w e case & hw to conduct mon's grp work's ice-breakers lo! Lol!
Yep! & tink i'm unlikely to b gg back to IMH eventually anyway! Hehe! I jus tink tt sayin u work in IMH is totally so cool! & so far, e outpatient & E-room cases r so fun & cool! Heheh! Bt i dun like e MDTs! & department too big plus i intern b4, i v scared of being gossiped/alienated & stufff! As in there r cliques! I really m thinkin where i'll fit in! Maybe by e time i graduate, there will b other ppl joinin w me? Bt i'm scared! & i jus v scared of r/s changin dynamics! It's like my sup is becomin my colleague! I tink i'll treat her like a sup forever! Yah! Tink v far! Bt i really tink sayin i work w mentally ill patients is so freakingly cool! Mus b e "on call 36 小时＂ show also!!! Hahah!!
Bt yeah! I'll see hw! I feel comfy nw coz of e other 4 interns, coz everyone treats u as interns, i noe i've someone to take care of me - kaiyi tho she is v busy & will leave me alone also lah! Haha! & maybe coz it's new! So everythin v fresh! & i jus like havin my own table luh! Hahaha! Maybe by wk 10 i'll nt b interested in comin back liao! & maybe things will jus change! Coz nw is jus observe! & see! By then, it's doin it!!! Yep! Bt i like e challenge of e dynamic nature of our work! Hahahah! I mean w outpatient & E-room! Heheh!
Yeah! Bt will see hw! After 10 wks if i'm really okay w workin in this setting, i might consider mid-term scholarship! Hehe! Or jus gg into this field after i graduate! Let's see hw things go! :D hehe! Bt at least i can feel e passion! Haha! Wonderin wat m i gg to do tmr! I wan supervision!!!
Yep! Endin w hopeful things do change my mood & take my mind off things tt pissed me off! Heh! Bt it's gg to b a long long way home! Hehe!
& tmr is friday! & end of wk 3! Haha! I kinda dun wan placement to end so early nw! Same as tt time at yah! Lol!! Bt i guess, it's nt up to me to decide! & maybe by mid-placemnt, i'll change my mind? & of coz i've faith in my ability to re-adapt to no placement days! & post-placement still presents loads of hope & fun! Heheh! Bt for me, it's really bout nt growin too attached to ppl at work! Coz this isn't yah! I wun come back in future liao! & if i do come back for work in future, den things will change also! Den by then, e ppl wun matter as much to me liao! Coz can see everyday! :p hahaha! Bt unlikely! Yep! Nw is bout nt growin too attached to ppl, esp my sup! Intern frens wise, shld b okay! Hehe! Coz i'm still in e doubtin whether they like me or nt stage! Hehe! Of coz i dun tink kaiyi likes me a lot (nt tt she is showin signs tt she hates me), bt i'll still grow attached to her also! Coz she is my sup! Heeh! & she has been extremely pleasant thus far!
Hehe! I really tink i've attachment issues! I grow too attached to ppl too quickly! Haiz! For yah's side, yao bu shi dashen's incident, e attachment will still b there! I'll still b super sticky!
Yep! So izzit jus let myself experience e fill intensity of emotions? Grow attached & den learn to let go! Or stop myself frm
Growin attached so tt i regulate my emotions better? It's nt only bout choice, bt also bout doin it! Heh!
Aiyah! Dun worry la! I tink i'm kinda worried tt i dun find awesome ppl in future wen i go out to work in future! Heh! Dun tink tt much!
Really v scared tt tinkin too much will drive me mad in future! :p heheh! Or nw?! Omg!!!
Bt anw! Jus nw nearly died! Coz of e ice-cream & e thick chocolate at pepper lunch yest, i had a sore throat today! Nt tt sore yet, bt can feel e onset totaly liao! Den jus nw after lunch, full & sleepy & unwell! Den sat in for e systemic trg! Omg! Really nearly died inside! & coz of e air-con also! & nose became blocked! Brain also was like empty! & i tink it's empty also coz yest din get enough sleep! :p hehe! Coz was reflectin! Heheh! So proud of my reflections! I feel tt i'm touchin on inner stuff! Hehe! Bt i gotta keep my learnin goals in mind man! Hope nt only to enjoy placement, leave sup, colleagues & intern frens w a good impression, bt also bout achievin my goals! To become a good worker in future & also, i hope to b a "smart" student! Nt as in noe everythin kind of smart, bt haf potential, do improve kind of smart! Tink it boils down to my self-esteem also! Hehe!
Bt i mus say, i'm really happy & glad tt i see an area of direct practice whereby i can enjoy myself! Actually i need gratification! I need to see some results! If indirect work, nt too sure whether will i sustain or nt! & a little bit far frm wat i envisioned - to b workin directly w e ppl i wan to help! Hehe! Bt b4 this, direct work is like casework/grpwork! I both CMI! & i feel so inadequate tt it doesn't look like a good idea to me at all! Bt these 3 wks at IMH haf provided me w
1) hope tt i can improve on my micro skills(v much coz i noe kaiyi can lead me well)
2) e exp tt i can b enjoyin direct work! Hehehe!
Maybe this is called sucked into culture like wat dr nair says, maybe i'm findin e easy way out coz financial aid seems so much easier to do! It's like i imagine myself bein attached to e wards, i tink my passion level will drop a lot!!! & i tink coz i got e coolest sup! Hehh!
Yeah! Bt i tink i've to find things tt i like also! If nt i can't even stay in this field! Jus hope i dun get too comfortable & nt improve further! Hehe! Bt e key is really jus to stay in this field first! I'm subscribin to e notion tt MSW is more superior also! Heheh! Bt no! I dun look down on other SW! Hehe! I tink we're all awesome! Coz we're social workers! Heheh! Jus tt MSW jus sounds so cool! Heheheh! I noe i'm quite kiddy! Bt these r my true thots mah! No pt tryin to suppress them also! Hehe!
Bt yep! So glad tt i'm endin on such a hopeful note! Hehe!
Kheng :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
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Checkin my phone every now & then! Hopin to see my sup's text/phonecall so tt i can follow her to outpatient! In love w outpatient nw! Hehehe! If i sian of tt also, den jiu.... Hmm...
Hmm..
Hmm.. Jus ended BGGH visit! & we went to west mall to lax ard coz 4pm only! Den julia said she will feel bad if we were to go off then..
Hmm.. Jus feel quite affected coz they were talkin bout e MSW who came w us jus nw.. She had quite a jiatlat lnowledge of e comm resources available & stuff.. I did feel tt she was quite jiatlat coz even i knew bout it! Bt i kinda understood her coz i tink i gg b as noob! So was quite affected wen julia & marian were a little like rollin eyes at her!
They r jus v similar i guess! V frank & direct! Tt's why i a bit cannot take it! They din say me of coz! Julia assured me she dun bitch bout frens! & b4 tt it's a little like tt they were havin their mini convo! Bt i dun quite mind! It's okay even if i dun fit in! Yeah!
& omg! There went marian again on "he is my sup!" relaly jus felt like rollin eyes at her on e spot! Julia jokingly said "y r u so possessive?" bt i tink we all feel it! Sometimes i wan to stop her frm all e "rubbish" coz i dun tink it might settle in well w e rest! Bt i dunno hw also!
My turn to bitch nw:
She was reportin sth tt brandon said & she kept lookin at me as if i heard it as well. So i said," i don't noe! I wasn't there!" & she went "of coz u dunno! He's MY sup!"
At tt moment, e F word really felt like comin out! She make me Like a 3rd party! Pls! I've my own sup! & i'm enjoyin my work! I've no interest in over-steppin into her world! She can go & enjoy her nice little bubble w her sup! Pls! *faints*
maybe e underlyin issue for me here is i'm reminded of e awkward interaction btw kaiyi & me? Maybe i'm envious?
Bt no matter wat, e underlyin feelin is jus she is nonsense! Really felt damn pekchek & wanted to roll eyes at her & diao her or sth! Bt i care bout e image i portray? & i tink w marian, i'll jus take e backseat! She can shoot me for all she wants! I wun retaliate! Bt this means she wun get e feedback frm me also! I dun tink it's v wei qu being in such a position! I feel tt she's e one who loses out in e end! So i dun really care!
I appreciate tt she shares things w me v regularly! Esp knowledge & info! Bt i really cannot stand her way of talkin to me bout other things - puttin me down(like sayin my handwritin is horrendous) & wen she exerts herself OVER me wen she talks bout her sup!
Immature.
I really no interest to establish any close ties w anyone! Except my sup! E rest if they're nice to me, i'll b doubly nice to them! If nt, i dun care.
Sian! Really pissed off! Bt after bitchin, okay le la.. Wanted to tell pingping, bt dun wan la! I tink she wun say! Bt in case julia asks her, den she might reveal inaccidentally bout this potential conflict prob i've w marian? It's nt tt i dun trust pingping! Bt i trust no one! Even myself! Jus like i also will accidentally reveal info!
Yep! I jus msg-ed pingping! Maybe she dunno why m i so "secretive" bout it.. Bt yep! I believe she'll understand de! & i still din tell her bout wat julia & marian said jus nw! Coz in case there's really no secrets! I reiterate! It's nt tt i dun trust pingping, i trust no one!
& i might tell pau bout it? Bt it's different! Coz pau wun b put in as bad a spot as pingping if she noes coz she knew me kinda like at e same time as julia? Bt still, she might still tell julia! *
yep! Bt i love pingping all e same! Hehe! Coz she's really being v supportive!! <3
23/03
Continuin yest's post! Wanted to continue postin yest! Bt ended up watchin drama! Yep! Today morn was quite sian! Really dun like MDT/ward rounds! I tink coz cannot contribute & e way they talked bout it! Plus maybe coz i dunno patients well ba! My sup asked.. I jus told her honestly! Glad tt she gave me some time jus nw to check on me! Bt i still din ask her e qn i wanted to ask! I tink i'm still pretty idealistic! I hope to b askin only wen we sit down & i can explore! Bt i tink i gotta start readjustin! It's like jus nw w e other MSWs, i jus asked! I jus "challenged", i jus threw my hypothesis.. Nt really challenge actually! & i talked w liang yi so comfortably! Bt w my sup, i'm all "restrained"! C&R (control & restrain) hahahah! Really damn joke!
I jus gotta let go! It's like if i can ask, i'll b able to learn a lot more! It's like jus nw w clement like tt! Yep! So i shld push myself harder! Ask ask ask! & why got barrier? Jus let it go! Stupid den stupid lo!
& i tink gotta let go of my ideals! Coz my sup is jus busy! Heard frm liang yi tt she has a few projects on hand! Plus i noe she is supervising other colleagues also! If i wan to learn, & dun wan take up her time! I gotta make use of those times! Yep! So dun tink tt much liao! Jus ask k kheng! :D hehe!
Was tellin myself no need to force myself to push pass tt barrier! Hehe! Bt i wan! I wan to interact happily w my sup! Bt i realised haf tt little bit of formality still good! Hehe! Bt i hope i can tip e balance a lot a lot more! :p hehh!
Hehe! Jus saw ancestor's rantin! Wah! So similar to mine! Bt i can't rant too much! Coz they noe marian!! Lol!
I complained to jie jus nw! Really din wan to elaborate coz i noe she is nt interested de! Bt i jus had to say! Din wan to make her tink tt i've things to hide frm her! E truth is jus i noe she is nt interested!
Yah! Bt anw! Tt's it bout work & my sup! Haha! She did quite a no of cute things these few days! Hahah! Haf time den come blog! Hehe! Like my IMH precious memories like tt!
& of coz bout e part whereby i feel tt her style was totally nt wat i expected... Hmm.. I'll blog wen i've time! :) hehe!
Kheng.
Hmm.. Jus feel quite affected coz they were talkin bout e MSW who came w us jus nw.. She had quite a jiatlat lnowledge of e comm resources available & stuff.. I did feel tt she was quite jiatlat coz even i knew bout it! Bt i kinda understood her coz i tink i gg b as noob! So was quite affected wen julia & marian were a little like rollin eyes at her!
They r jus v similar i guess! V frank & direct! Tt's why i a bit cannot take it! They din say me of coz! Julia assured me she dun bitch bout frens! & b4 tt it's a little like tt they were havin their mini convo! Bt i dun quite mind! It's okay even if i dun fit in! Yeah!
& omg! There went marian again on "he is my sup!" relaly jus felt like rollin eyes at her on e spot! Julia jokingly said "y r u so possessive?" bt i tink we all feel it! Sometimes i wan to stop her frm all e "rubbish" coz i dun tink it might settle in well w e rest! Bt i dunno hw also!
My turn to bitch nw:
She was reportin sth tt brandon said & she kept lookin at me as if i heard it as well. So i said," i don't noe! I wasn't there!" & she went "of coz u dunno! He's MY sup!"
At tt moment, e F word really felt like comin out! She make me Like a 3rd party! Pls! I've my own sup! & i'm enjoyin my work! I've no interest in over-steppin into her world! She can go & enjoy her nice little bubble w her sup! Pls! *faints*
maybe e underlyin issue for me here is i'm reminded of e awkward interaction btw kaiyi & me? Maybe i'm envious?
Bt no matter wat, e underlyin feelin is jus she is nonsense! Really felt damn pekchek & wanted to roll eyes at her & diao her or sth! Bt i care bout e image i portray? & i tink w marian, i'll jus take e backseat! She can shoot me for all she wants! I wun retaliate! Bt this means she wun get e feedback frm me also! I dun tink it's v wei qu being in such a position! I feel tt she's e one who loses out in e end! So i dun really care!
I appreciate tt she shares things w me v regularly! Esp knowledge & info! Bt i really cannot stand her way of talkin to me bout other things - puttin me down(like sayin my handwritin is horrendous) & wen she exerts herself OVER me wen she talks bout her sup!
Immature.
I really no interest to establish any close ties w anyone! Except my sup! E rest if they're nice to me, i'll b doubly nice to them! If nt, i dun care.
Sian! Really pissed off! Bt after bitchin, okay le la.. Wanted to tell pingping, bt dun wan la! I tink she wun say! Bt in case julia asks her, den she might reveal inaccidentally bout this potential conflict prob i've w marian? It's nt tt i dun trust pingping! Bt i trust no one! Even myself! Jus like i also will accidentally reveal info!
Yep! I jus msg-ed pingping! Maybe she dunno why m i so "secretive" bout it.. Bt yep! I believe she'll understand de! & i still din tell her bout wat julia & marian said jus nw! Coz in case there's really no secrets! I reiterate! It's nt tt i dun trust pingping, i trust no one!
& i might tell pau bout it? Bt it's different! Coz pau wun b put in as bad a spot as pingping if she noes coz she knew me kinda like at e same time as julia? Bt still, she might still tell julia! *
yep! Bt i love pingping all e same! Hehe! Coz she's really being v supportive!! <3
23/03
Continuin yest's post! Wanted to continue postin yest! Bt ended up watchin drama! Yep! Today morn was quite sian! Really dun like MDT/ward rounds! I tink coz cannot contribute & e way they talked bout it! Plus maybe coz i dunno patients well ba! My sup asked.. I jus told her honestly! Glad tt she gave me some time jus nw to check on me! Bt i still din ask her e qn i wanted to ask! I tink i'm still pretty idealistic! I hope to b askin only wen we sit down & i can explore! Bt i tink i gotta start readjustin! It's like jus nw w e other MSWs, i jus asked! I jus "challenged", i jus threw my hypothesis.. Nt really challenge actually! & i talked w liang yi so comfortably! Bt w my sup, i'm all "restrained"! C&R (control & restrain) hahahah! Really damn joke!
I jus gotta let go! It's like if i can ask, i'll b able to learn a lot more! It's like jus nw w clement like tt! Yep! So i shld push myself harder! Ask ask ask! & why got barrier? Jus let it go! Stupid den stupid lo!
& i tink gotta let go of my ideals! Coz my sup is jus busy! Heard frm liang yi tt she has a few projects on hand! Plus i noe she is supervising other colleagues also! If i wan to learn, & dun wan take up her time! I gotta make use of those times! Yep! So dun tink tt much liao! Jus ask k kheng! :D hehe!
Was tellin myself no need to force myself to push pass tt barrier! Hehe! Bt i wan! I wan to interact happily w my sup! Bt i realised haf tt little bit of formality still good! Hehe! Bt i hope i can tip e balance a lot a lot more! :p hehh!
Hehe! Jus saw ancestor's rantin! Wah! So similar to mine! Bt i can't rant too much! Coz they noe marian!! Lol!
I complained to jie jus nw! Really din wan to elaborate coz i noe she is nt interested de! Bt i jus had to say! Din wan to make her tink tt i've things to hide frm her! E truth is jus i noe she is nt interested!
Yah! Bt anw! Tt's it bout work & my sup! Haha! She did quite a no of cute things these few days! Hahah! Haf time den come blog! Hehe! Like my IMH precious memories like tt!
& of coz bout e part whereby i feel tt her style was totally nt wat i expected... Hmm.. I'll blog wen i've time! :) hehe!
Kheng.
Haiz
Haiz.. 说不出来的痛! Nt to e extent of pain la.. Bt jus cannot say.. Nobody to say it to! Haiz.. Jus feel v sian! Y can't i rant! Actually i can la.. It's jus tt i'm v selective of ppl coz of e impact i can cause to them! & also coz i'm afraid of botherin ppl.. Bt actually.. I dun wan to b listenin! I'm sick liao! Bt it's like.. Help ppl can! Listen to clients okay.. Bt own family/frens den cannot! I'm also v selective of who i listen to! :p heheh! Bt i'm jus bein v mean recently.. I dun wan listen den i jus use my nonverbals to show it.. It's really v painful to b forcin myself to listen wen i dun feel like it! Can say i'm selfish.. Bt yep.. I jus am!
I need a listenin ear!! *feel like crying!* bt no! Hold back ur tears! Resilience! It's nt bout nt ventin it out! It's nt bout breakin down so easily!!!! Yep!
I need a listenin ear!! *feel like crying!* bt no! Hold back ur tears! Resilience! It's nt bout nt ventin it out! It's nt bout breakin down so easily!!!! Yep!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
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Omg! E first race at my side is gg to start at 750? & it's only 614 now! Dunno whether my iphone batt can last me for tt long or not also! :/ aiyo..
Crazy liao..
I'm really mad! Sittin at mac at city hall at 342am! Siao! Bt it's to go for e cold storage run ltr! Need to meet at padang at 430am! Siao! Bt coz signed up le! & to raise funds for e social work camp! So i came still! Hehe!
Really tired! Haven't finish my reflections! Tmr go back shall sleep first! Hopefully e run ends early! I've a feelin i'll pangseh for e meetup at nite! Coz i haven't do my reflections! Hehe!
Also not sure whether m i givin up too much for this internship or nt! Bt i sure m quite all out for this internship! Mix of reasons - i wan to do well, i wan to become a better worker & also coz of e support i feel frm my sup!
Of coz my concerns bout buildin e personal r/s w my sup holds true still.. Bt can't do much also lah.. Haha! Let time do e job! I'll see if i can relax myself & interact more naturally! Hehe!
Yep! Bt Anw, to me it's like if i dun even settle my internship stuff, i'll nt deal w other things! I din go for dr nair's farewell also! Bt a big reason was coz gor was back! Heheh! & we went for dinner! Heheh!
Yeah! Hmm.. A lot of things, is jus a cycle! I tink i broke e cycle, bt i'm back again! Bt dun feel like talkin bout it! Where got energy to b whinin nw? Haiyo..
Bt anw! Haha! Dunno wat i wan to say also! Lololololol!
K la.. Shall jus stop here..
Kheng.
Really tired! Haven't finish my reflections! Tmr go back shall sleep first! Hopefully e run ends early! I've a feelin i'll pangseh for e meetup at nite! Coz i haven't do my reflections! Hehe!
Also not sure whether m i givin up too much for this internship or nt! Bt i sure m quite all out for this internship! Mix of reasons - i wan to do well, i wan to become a better worker & also coz of e support i feel frm my sup!
Of coz my concerns bout buildin e personal r/s w my sup holds true still.. Bt can't do much also lah.. Haha! Let time do e job! I'll see if i can relax myself & interact more naturally! Hehe!
Yep! Bt Anw, to me it's like if i dun even settle my internship stuff, i'll nt deal w other things! I din go for dr nair's farewell also! Bt a big reason was coz gor was back! Heheh! & we went for dinner! Heheh!
Yeah! Hmm.. A lot of things, is jus a cycle! I tink i broke e cycle, bt i'm back again! Bt dun feel like talkin bout it! Where got energy to b whinin nw? Haiyo..
Bt anw! Haha! Dunno wat i wan to say also! Lololololol!
K la.. Shall jus stop here..
Kheng.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Therapeutic talk! W pingping!
Heheh! Actually today supposed to go ah ma's hs! Bt gege had sth on! Hehe! & super sweet pingping bought tart for me!! <3 hehe! So went to meet them! & walked a long way to liang court le! Din wan to like walk back immediately! Hehh! So stayed & ate! Plus got e seizeriya(spell??) nice chicken wings! Heheeh! Yep!
Initially turned them down coz i scared julia not comfy! & i dun wan invade their triad thingy also! Bt today janna & GQ din come luh! :p hehh!
Yep! I wanted to stay to talk to pingping & pau luh! Hehe! Julia i see her everyday! & nt sure my presence will inhibit her to say things or nt also! :p hahaha! Bt yep! I stayed still luh..
Yep! Den went walk ard! Saw hw excited pingping was wen she managed to get e right $4 spin spin thingy for her fren! Tt kind of happiness comes frm e bottom of her heart! & she jus innocent innocent kind! Hehh! My style my style also! Hahaha! If i was spinnin for tong or her, & also some other fren! Dependin on hw impt tt "toy" is to my fren & hw impt my fren is to me! Heheh! Bt tt was comin out frm her heart! It's really heart-warmin! Hehehe!
Den walked! Supposed to go off le i tink? Hehe! Bt they wanted to see e bungee jumpin! So we sat down by e sg river! So 诗情画意！yep! & after a while wen julia & pau engaged in their own talk, i also engaged in my private talk w pingping! Hehe!
At first she only told me her dengue fever tt she kena wen she took her first boat ride at e sg river! Den i wanted to talk bout my sup! Nt sure if it was a good opportunity! Bt i wanted to let pingping share/vent also! So i asked her hw's work so far! Hehe! I tink i get pretty regular updates frm her! Heheheh! So i din haf to like restart frm beginnin or start frm e more "general/superficial" stuff! :p actually felt proud tt i noe hw's pingping better than e rest of her triad members! :p hahahahah! Maybe they noe lah! Hahah! Bt i definitely noe also! :p heheheh!
Yeah! & coz we had a lot of time! So i eventually managed to talk bout my sup also! I jus wanted to rant! & pingping was definitely someone i would wan to rant too!! She is jus too nice! & super sweet! Heheh! I guess i din insist on sayin it! Bt i definitely did wan to say it! So i did say! Heheh! I really needed to rant & ventilate! Heheheh! Coz 憋 till i quite 辛苦！
Yep! It's like at IMH, my 4 other intern frens r a v good support! We share & laugh! Huiwen lets me cling onto! Julia, marian & nicole play w me! I'm totally okay(for now) being teased at! :p heheh! I guess at least it points towards me being adorable? :p hehehe! At least i'm not irritatin tt they dun wan to talk to me! :p & i can whine! :p
Ya! Bt to talk bout my sup's stuff.. Hmm.. I tink nt of tt level yet/not suitable also! I tink they will tell me to take e proactive-ness to ask my sup for stuff! Bt other than being concerned bout gettin enough exposure/supervision, i'm equally/more concerned bout havin a good r/s w my sup! Hehe! I guess frm e 1st 2 sessions, i jus kinda set e tone myself? I'm scared! I tink i jus am! Of wat? Her rollin her eyes at me? Lol! I jus conditioned myself so much tt i tink i appear as someone who cannot get close to supervisors! Lol! Hmm.. Bt i really dun dare to go in & jus joke w her! I'm scared of being rolled eyes at! Or being told "can u stop tryin to act close?" or stuff! Hehe! I'm perturbed becoz i noe if i choose to, there is a high chance my sup will react v friendly back! Bt i'm jus scared! Hmm..
Actually since i might nt go back to IMH, & recently so many things happened to show me tt actually nobody is perfect & i can feel so "turned off" anytime, there's no need to picture my sup as being so perfect! & it's okay to not be tt close to her!
Hmm.. Bt i tink my innate nature is i wan tt bond, do i haf attachment issues? Hmm.. Ya! I've been using suppression/rationalisation to convince myself it's okay to nt haf it! Bt today wen julia made tt natural remark & my sup jus laughed, i tink tt's e kind of r/s i hope to haf.. More relaxed & at ease! Hmm.. & actually i was really quite upset my sup jus left! :( nt upset bt jus felt a little incomplete! Coz i was waitin to come back to debrief a little w her! Like jus hear her ask "how is it?" kind.. Den share a bit den maybe mon den come back for proper supervision kind.. Bt oh man.. No leh.. I was still thinkin of waitin for her/leave a note on her table! Bt, she left! :(
Usually she would do OT! So i thot she would stay! Bt she jus happened to not to today! Haha! Huiwen said she jus dun look like tt kind who will wait! Oh man! Bt it still felt a little like i was bein "abandoned" :(
Yep! I reckoned tt she must haf been rushin to go out? Bt actually no matter wat, can still process on mon mah.. Bt i jus felt maybe disappointed coz i was hopin to see her after e 2 sit-ins? Hmm..
Bt yep! I'm jus findin it a pity if i miss out e possibility to build up a good r/s becoz of e wall i built! & wen it wasn't even my style to build walls! Hmm.. Bt nt sure if it's really my character wen i interact w superiors/sups? Maybe i did tt to "sup" also, circular causality! Tt's why i felt tt she din seem to like me? Hmm.. Bt i jus feel tt this isn't like "sup", coz tt one i had 1 yr after tt to build upon e r/s, bt this one after e 2.5 months, most prob wun haf much interaction le.. Heh! I said tt for tah previously also rite? :p hahahah!
Bt it's nt tt i mus haf e good r/s, jus tt i will find it quite a pity if i lost it coz of e wall! Most of e time, i can rationalise it out w myself! Usin e reasons i've been usin all these while to tell myself it's okay! Perhaps it might even b better! Coz it protects myself! Frm e pain of termination also! Hmm.. I can't see hw it'll turn out/what is e end.. Bt i'm jus seein only e short term gains & hopin it'll b a good r/s! Hmm.. Tt's why i say, i need to learn it e hard way! It's like so many cases le, bt i still invest all my time into new friendships! Hehehe! Bt time is a factor here mah! Only haf 2.5mths! Hehe!
Bt yep! I only needed to rant! So tt if one day, i feel tt i dun build up tt kind of r/s i hoped for w my sup, & i feel tt it's v much coz of myself, i've at least expressed e regret & loss! Heheh! Yep! So really glad tt had e opportunity to speak to pingping jus nw! Sth was jus weighin on me jus nw! Till i could get it out!! & really thankful it's pingping & she was willin to listen!! Heheh!! Yep! <3
& it's really therapeutic to jus get it out! Hehe! Yep! Love pingping!! <3
Yep! I guess i can face it de lah.. Haha! It's jus a sup! Hahah! Bt i really tink i've e need for a strong bond! Heheh! It's like since pri sch, w frens, w trcs.. All e way till now, w sup still! Heheh! Jus dunno whether my sup will tink why i can speak to others (even other colleagues) so at ease-ly bt jus nt w her! Dun tink i matter to her also luh.. Bt jus like dunno whether she will tink why is it different or nt.. Why e other interns can b so okay w their sups! Hehe! Bt hopefully through all e sharin & stuff, she can noe tt i like her a lot & is willin to share w her, nt out to hide it! :p heheh! Yep! Which is why i wna to go back for e 29th lunch! Hehe! Tho tt means cannot eat w pingping!! Hehe! Bt she will come earlier for bf i hope! So it's okay! :D hehehe! & nw tt we speak so much durin placement, hopefully our bond will become stronger! & tt we'll get e chance to keep in contact in future! Hehe! She's gg to leave e profession! A bit pity coz she's really e kind who will make u feel v loved! Bt perhaps e profession dun suit her bah! Yep! Bt in future definitely cannot keep in such close contact! I tink e past 2 wks we really talked like nobody's business! Heheh! Yep! & this placemnt is gg to b even more precious for me - & e added reason is: pingping!! <3
Yep! Reminded of hw it will b for fiona & vivian! Haiz! Not my fault! Bt still cannot forget hw i contributed to their awkwardness & possibly loss of each other's support! E pattern was dysfunctional right frm e start - bt i brought tt to light! & at e.. START of placement! Omg!!
Yah.. Bt i can only like await my "karma", i shalln't actively punish myself by nt engaginn in friendship/r/s buidlin w my intern frens, sup/colleague & other frnes!! :p
Yep! :)
Haiz.. Shall go sit down & write my reflections! Hahaha! I'm jus a serious person wen i'm on one-to-one luh hor! Even w frens! Even if i open this to my sup & say tt i'm actually nt a serious person, we most prob also will b discussin bout serious stuff! Hmm.. Dun try too hard! Jus reminded of wat weiping said bout being honest instead of we tryin to guess wat e sup tink & e sup tryin to guess wat we're thinkin! Yep! Bt honesty got to haf a limit also rite? & e personal r/s is nt sth tt is a must in my learnin period? Hmm.. It's my own agenda! Yep!
& i also dun dare to say too much coz i tink marian is bein too over? I tink everyone loves her sup! & wants to protect/defend them! Like julia sides her sup(as in speak up, nt biased) & nicole will jump at e chance for supervision also(coz she dun feel secure).. Bt marian is like a little over? She felt like she screwed up/ din impress her sup durin supervision. Why is there e need? Hmm.. I shld share my exp w her rite? So tt she can find out wat's her underlyin thot/emotion/agenda also rite? Nt sure hw true it is/hw well she will take it down w her.. Bt i'll jus say! Shld b ba? Heheh!
Yep! & i tink i wun dare to say wat julia said today also! Maybe to others' sups i might? Heheh! It's jus a "not my sup" kinda thing! Hehe!
Continue later..
Wah! I really blogged a lot le! :p heheh!
Bt yep! Jus finish it! Again, bathin is therapeutic again! Tink it takes my mind off things? Hehe! & bath le jus feel more refreshin! Heheh! & coz after bathin saw pingping's sweet reply! Hehe! Coz i thanked her for listenin to me jus nw! & she thanked me too! I tink we jus feel tt 别住 v 辛苦！ & glad tt we both trusted each other to share! Hehe! Maybe nt v hard to share! Need nt haf a lot of trust! Bt we both willin to sit there & listen! Hehe! So really glad! :)) 💜💜
Yep! & back to my sup! Yah lo! After bathin den started to think, wat's so amazin bout kaiyi tt i tink e personal bond w her is so impt! Actually w.o tt bond, perhaps wen she does e evaluation for me, it's less "tough" also? Hehe! Nt too sure hw it'll go also! Hahaha! Bt yah.. Actually felt better after talkin to pingping, felt worse again after bloggin! Hehe! Hopefully after finishin bloggin will b okay! Hehe! Den i'll go to sleep le! Den tmr morn wake up! Shld start "worryin" bout e professional self! Hw to work on my micro skills! Hehe! Yep! :D
Ya lo! I myself built tt wall! It's nt only a first day thingy! Coz jus nw saw her in room 10, i only smiled a little! Hehe! Den i tink she was lookin at me after she smiled & i tink she did smile again? Hahah! Bt i jus looked away! Wat m i avoidin ah? I mus find out rite? Izzit jus my previous sup's "阴影＂? Wat m i fearin? Tt she wun like me? Why is e fear so strong? Esp wen she has alr shown more "liking" den "sup"? Hmm... Maybe i shld explore tt! Maybe it'll help in buildin e r/s! :) hehe! Or at least a more at ease interaction! After she asked me wat i was scared of durin e first supervision, i was aware & could let down my guard wen interactin w her durin supervision le! Bt outside supervision, still.... Hmm..
Yep! Hehe! & on hindsight, i wondered if tt "2nd" smile was for me to maybe tell her hw is it? Bt she was in such an awkward position, i dun tink she wanted to fish info out frm me rite? & there's patient there leh! & she needed to see other patients leh! Perhaps if e bond is close, i would haf gone forward regardless of all these? Hahah! I noe i tink a lot! Bt i jus tink lo! :p heheh!
Yah.. Bt tt one dun care! Haha! After tt wen she came & ask michael for e thing, lol, michael kena "scolded".. My sup was a little louder, & tho dunno her v well, could sense tt she was pekchek! Hahaha! Maybe can use this to kaypoh nxt wk! Hahahah! Bt nt sure if she will find tt office politics & nt wan to share or nt! Or maybe too personal? Hehe! It's like by monday she would haf forgotten
Bout it le ba? Tt's why i wanted to ask her jus nw after work! Den she run away liao! :(
Yep! Bt no matter wat, actually i shld let it flow naturally rite? Tinkin of things to ask/say is like so deliberate & weird! Hmm..
Yah.. Bt i kinda found it like "wow!" hahaha! Dunno why my sup had 脾气 den made me feel tt it's easier to interact! Maybe coz tt meant tt normally she really isn't fierce, jus dao1 lookin! Heheh! Coz she really has times wen she is angry! Heheh! Yeah! :p & i v bad, coz michael always GL us(tho he might jus b jokin!), bt i jus kinda saw him kena GL-ed back! :p hahahah! & my sup was jus awesome wen she said "你 jus 给我啦！不然要叫两次" or sth along tt line! Haha! It's jus e tone lah! Hahah! I really like idolisin her! She fierce ppl i also tink she damn zai! Hahaha! Shall see if mon haf chance to talk bout it! Hehe!
I actually m lookin forward to work! I tink v much coz of her luh! Heheh! Hmm.. Even if she can't keep takin me out, i'll jus follow other workers ard! Definitely things to learn! Ginn was really experienced & good! I wanted to b critical also! Bt couldn't pick anythin out to comment on leh! :p hehe! Shall reflect & think harder properly again tmr! :D
Hee! Nw feel better! Maybe coz talkin bout cheeky things bout my sup! :p haha! Shall go ask her wat's my future plan! :p heheh! Actually i kinda thot of a way to improve on my micro skills! Hahah! Hmm.. Let me tink again tmr! & write in reflections! See hw is kaiyi gg to take e idea! :p hahah!
Yep! Wonder wat i'm gg to do on mon! :p & is on mon ONWARDS! Heheh! Yeah!
Din wan to b buggin my sup non-stop! Bt dunno if she wanted me to b more proactive also or not! Really nt sure! So is 胆战心惊 kind! Bt jus nw after sun love, i really wanted to go out & observe! Heheh! So i went to her! Luckily i did! & tt's hw i managed to go out & observe! :D & was a fun one! Full of learnin opportunities! Heheh! & will haf things to reflect & internalise over e weekend! :D
Ya.. Actually also dunno whether kaiyi has a plan for me ahead or nt! It's like julia's & huiwen's sup & marian's sup also haf quite a comprehensive plan for each of them le! Like wat shld they go for & stuff! Hmm.. Mine & nicole's... Jus tink tt no matter wat, at least my sup is more experienced, a lot more open to my feedback & questions(my opinion lah..)! Heheh! So i feel more assured! :D bt scare she is tt kind of today feel like doin wat den do wat kind! I dun mind lah.. Bt tt means i've to keep gg to bug her loh.. Hahah! & think she has to find sth for me to do liao! Coz i finished most of e readings! & will finish them by this weekend! (i hope! :p) i tink she gg to b 吓到 by this wk's reflections! Coz e micro skills part reflections shld b quite a lot? Hmm.. Bt actually no la.. Mon 1 page, tues 1 page & 2 lines. Yest maybe 1 page or slightly lesser? & wed bout 2 pages & today maybe about 2 also? Haha! So is like 7 pages? Hehe! Oops! Last wk only 5! :p bt really haf to express my fears & concern luh! Hahah! If she say long, den i cut again loh! Heheh! Yep!
Hahah! I kinda wan supervision everyday! :p & quality(one of my criteria is quantity! :p)! Bt siao! Impossible! Heheh! My sup sure nt so free! :p
Hahah! Bt say say only! Jus bout once or twice per wk enuff liao! & take cases & all tt (those will need supervision) Hehehe! I really tink i've attachment issues! Heheh! Need for attachment! :p hehe!
Bt anw! Tt's it! Really feelin much better nw! Maybe talkin bout "hope" stuff! Haha! Jus did a readin on "hope" this morn! Nearly jus killed me! :p hehee! Bt yep! :D
K! :D time to sleep! Glad tt i last min decided to join pingping they all!! <3 <3 hehe! & heart heart pingping! :D & of coz julia & pau & my IMH intern frens & also my other frens, like OC, tong, dabong & all! :D hehe!
Yay! Nitex! :D
Kheng.
Initially turned them down coz i scared julia not comfy! & i dun wan invade their triad thingy also! Bt today janna & GQ din come luh! :p hehh!
Yep! I wanted to stay to talk to pingping & pau luh! Hehe! Julia i see her everyday! & nt sure my presence will inhibit her to say things or nt also! :p hahaha! Bt yep! I stayed still luh..
Yep! Den went walk ard! Saw hw excited pingping was wen she managed to get e right $4 spin spin thingy for her fren! Tt kind of happiness comes frm e bottom of her heart! & she jus innocent innocent kind! Hehh! My style my style also! Hahaha! If i was spinnin for tong or her, & also some other fren! Dependin on hw impt tt "toy" is to my fren & hw impt my fren is to me! Heheh! Bt tt was comin out frm her heart! It's really heart-warmin! Hehehe!
Den walked! Supposed to go off le i tink? Hehe! Bt they wanted to see e bungee jumpin! So we sat down by e sg river! So 诗情画意！yep! & after a while wen julia & pau engaged in their own talk, i also engaged in my private talk w pingping! Hehe!
At first she only told me her dengue fever tt she kena wen she took her first boat ride at e sg river! Den i wanted to talk bout my sup! Nt sure if it was a good opportunity! Bt i wanted to let pingping share/vent also! So i asked her hw's work so far! Hehe! I tink i get pretty regular updates frm her! Heheheh! So i din haf to like restart frm beginnin or start frm e more "general/superficial" stuff! :p actually felt proud tt i noe hw's pingping better than e rest of her triad members! :p hahahahah! Maybe they noe lah! Hahah! Bt i definitely noe also! :p heheheh!
Yeah! & coz we had a lot of time! So i eventually managed to talk bout my sup also! I jus wanted to rant! & pingping was definitely someone i would wan to rant too!! She is jus too nice! & super sweet! Heheh! I guess i din insist on sayin it! Bt i definitely did wan to say it! So i did say! Heheh! I really needed to rant & ventilate! Heheheh! Coz 憋 till i quite 辛苦！
Yep! It's like at IMH, my 4 other intern frens r a v good support! We share & laugh! Huiwen lets me cling onto! Julia, marian & nicole play w me! I'm totally okay(for now) being teased at! :p heheh! I guess at least it points towards me being adorable? :p hehehe! At least i'm not irritatin tt they dun wan to talk to me! :p & i can whine! :p
Ya! Bt to talk bout my sup's stuff.. Hmm.. I tink nt of tt level yet/not suitable also! I tink they will tell me to take e proactive-ness to ask my sup for stuff! Bt other than being concerned bout gettin enough exposure/supervision, i'm equally/more concerned bout havin a good r/s w my sup! Hehe! I guess frm e 1st 2 sessions, i jus kinda set e tone myself? I'm scared! I tink i jus am! Of wat? Her rollin her eyes at me? Lol! I jus conditioned myself so much tt i tink i appear as someone who cannot get close to supervisors! Lol! Hmm.. Bt i really dun dare to go in & jus joke w her! I'm scared of being rolled eyes at! Or being told "can u stop tryin to act close?" or stuff! Hehe! I'm perturbed becoz i noe if i choose to, there is a high chance my sup will react v friendly back! Bt i'm jus scared! Hmm..
Actually since i might nt go back to IMH, & recently so many things happened to show me tt actually nobody is perfect & i can feel so "turned off" anytime, there's no need to picture my sup as being so perfect! & it's okay to not be tt close to her!
Hmm.. Bt i tink my innate nature is i wan tt bond, do i haf attachment issues? Hmm.. Ya! I've been using suppression/rationalisation to convince myself it's okay to nt haf it! Bt today wen julia made tt natural remark & my sup jus laughed, i tink tt's e kind of r/s i hope to haf.. More relaxed & at ease! Hmm.. & actually i was really quite upset my sup jus left! :( nt upset bt jus felt a little incomplete! Coz i was waitin to come back to debrief a little w her! Like jus hear her ask "how is it?" kind.. Den share a bit den maybe mon den come back for proper supervision kind.. Bt oh man.. No leh.. I was still thinkin of waitin for her/leave a note on her table! Bt, she left! :(
Usually she would do OT! So i thot she would stay! Bt she jus happened to not to today! Haha! Huiwen said she jus dun look like tt kind who will wait! Oh man! Bt it still felt a little like i was bein "abandoned" :(
Yep! I reckoned tt she must haf been rushin to go out? Bt actually no matter wat, can still process on mon mah.. Bt i jus felt maybe disappointed coz i was hopin to see her after e 2 sit-ins? Hmm..
Bt yep! I'm jus findin it a pity if i miss out e possibility to build up a good r/s becoz of e wall i built! & wen it wasn't even my style to build walls! Hmm.. Bt nt sure if it's really my character wen i interact w superiors/sups? Maybe i did tt to "sup" also, circular causality! Tt's why i felt tt she din seem to like me? Hmm.. Bt i jus feel tt this isn't like "sup", coz tt one i had 1 yr after tt to build upon e r/s, bt this one after e 2.5 months, most prob wun haf much interaction le.. Heh! I said tt for tah previously also rite? :p hahahah!
Bt it's nt tt i mus haf e good r/s, jus tt i will find it quite a pity if i lost it coz of e wall! Most of e time, i can rationalise it out w myself! Usin e reasons i've been usin all these while to tell myself it's okay! Perhaps it might even b better! Coz it protects myself! Frm e pain of termination also! Hmm.. I can't see hw it'll turn out/what is e end.. Bt i'm jus seein only e short term gains & hopin it'll b a good r/s! Hmm.. Tt's why i say, i need to learn it e hard way! It's like so many cases le, bt i still invest all my time into new friendships! Hehehe! Bt time is a factor here mah! Only haf 2.5mths! Hehe!
Bt yep! I only needed to rant! So tt if one day, i feel tt i dun build up tt kind of r/s i hoped for w my sup, & i feel tt it's v much coz of myself, i've at least expressed e regret & loss! Heheh! Yep! So really glad tt had e opportunity to speak to pingping jus nw! Sth was jus weighin on me jus nw! Till i could get it out!! & really thankful it's pingping & she was willin to listen!! Heheh!! Yep! <3
& it's really therapeutic to jus get it out! Hehe! Yep! Love pingping!! <3
Yep! I guess i can face it de lah.. Haha! It's jus a sup! Hahah! Bt i really tink i've e need for a strong bond! Heheh! It's like since pri sch, w frens, w trcs.. All e way till now, w sup still! Heheh! Jus dunno whether my sup will tink why i can speak to others (even other colleagues) so at ease-ly bt jus nt w her! Dun tink i matter to her also luh.. Bt jus like dunno whether she will tink why is it different or nt.. Why e other interns can b so okay w their sups! Hehe! Bt hopefully through all e sharin & stuff, she can noe tt i like her a lot & is willin to share w her, nt out to hide it! :p heheh! Yep! Which is why i wna to go back for e 29th lunch! Hehe! Tho tt means cannot eat w pingping!! Hehe! Bt she will come earlier for bf i hope! So it's okay! :D hehehe! & nw tt we speak so much durin placement, hopefully our bond will become stronger! & tt we'll get e chance to keep in contact in future! Hehe! She's gg to leave e profession! A bit pity coz she's really e kind who will make u feel v loved! Bt perhaps e profession dun suit her bah! Yep! Bt in future definitely cannot keep in such close contact! I tink e past 2 wks we really talked like nobody's business! Heheh! Yep! & this placemnt is gg to b even more precious for me - & e added reason is: pingping!! <3
Yep! Reminded of hw it will b for fiona & vivian! Haiz! Not my fault! Bt still cannot forget hw i contributed to their awkwardness & possibly loss of each other's support! E pattern was dysfunctional right frm e start - bt i brought tt to light! & at e.. START of placement! Omg!!
Yah.. Bt i can only like await my "karma", i shalln't actively punish myself by nt engaginn in friendship/r/s buidlin w my intern frens, sup/colleague & other frnes!! :p
Yep! :)
Haiz.. Shall go sit down & write my reflections! Hahaha! I'm jus a serious person wen i'm on one-to-one luh hor! Even w frens! Even if i open this to my sup & say tt i'm actually nt a serious person, we most prob also will b discussin bout serious stuff! Hmm.. Dun try too hard! Jus reminded of wat weiping said bout being honest instead of we tryin to guess wat e sup tink & e sup tryin to guess wat we're thinkin! Yep! Bt honesty got to haf a limit also rite? & e personal r/s is nt sth tt is a must in my learnin period? Hmm.. It's my own agenda! Yep!
& i also dun dare to say too much coz i tink marian is bein too over? I tink everyone loves her sup! & wants to protect/defend them! Like julia sides her sup(as in speak up, nt biased) & nicole will jump at e chance for supervision also(coz she dun feel secure).. Bt marian is like a little over? She felt like she screwed up/ din impress her sup durin supervision. Why is there e need? Hmm.. I shld share my exp w her rite? So tt she can find out wat's her underlyin thot/emotion/agenda also rite? Nt sure hw true it is/hw well she will take it down w her.. Bt i'll jus say! Shld b ba? Heheh!
Yep! & i tink i wun dare to say wat julia said today also! Maybe to others' sups i might? Heheh! It's jus a "not my sup" kinda thing! Hehe!
Continue later..
Wah! I really blogged a lot le! :p heheh!
Bt yep! Jus finish it! Again, bathin is therapeutic again! Tink it takes my mind off things? Hehe! & bath le jus feel more refreshin! Heheh! & coz after bathin saw pingping's sweet reply! Hehe! Coz i thanked her for listenin to me jus nw! & she thanked me too! I tink we jus feel tt 别住 v 辛苦！ & glad tt we both trusted each other to share! Hehe! Maybe nt v hard to share! Need nt haf a lot of trust! Bt we both willin to sit there & listen! Hehe! So really glad! :)) 💜💜
Yep! & back to my sup! Yah lo! After bathin den started to think, wat's so amazin bout kaiyi tt i tink e personal bond w her is so impt! Actually w.o tt bond, perhaps wen she does e evaluation for me, it's less "tough" also? Hehe! Nt too sure hw it'll go also! Hahaha! Bt yah.. Actually felt better after talkin to pingping, felt worse again after bloggin! Hehe! Hopefully after finishin bloggin will b okay! Hehe! Den i'll go to sleep le! Den tmr morn wake up! Shld start "worryin" bout e professional self! Hw to work on my micro skills! Hehe! Yep! :D
Ya lo! I myself built tt wall! It's nt only a first day thingy! Coz jus nw saw her in room 10, i only smiled a little! Hehe! Den i tink she was lookin at me after she smiled & i tink she did smile again? Hahah! Bt i jus looked away! Wat m i avoidin ah? I mus find out rite? Izzit jus my previous sup's "阴影＂? Wat m i fearin? Tt she wun like me? Why is e fear so strong? Esp wen she has alr shown more "liking" den "sup"? Hmm... Maybe i shld explore tt! Maybe it'll help in buildin e r/s! :) hehe! Or at least a more at ease interaction! After she asked me wat i was scared of durin e first supervision, i was aware & could let down my guard wen interactin w her durin supervision le! Bt outside supervision, still.... Hmm..
Yep! Hehe! & on hindsight, i wondered if tt "2nd" smile was for me to maybe tell her hw is it? Bt she was in such an awkward position, i dun tink she wanted to fish info out frm me rite? & there's patient there leh! & she needed to see other patients leh! Perhaps if e bond is close, i would haf gone forward regardless of all these? Hahah! I noe i tink a lot! Bt i jus tink lo! :p heheh!
Yah.. Bt tt one dun care! Haha! After tt wen she came & ask michael for e thing, lol, michael kena "scolded".. My sup was a little louder, & tho dunno her v well, could sense tt she was pekchek! Hahaha! Maybe can use this to kaypoh nxt wk! Hahahah! Bt nt sure if she will find tt office politics & nt wan to share or nt! Or maybe too personal? Hehe! It's like by monday she would haf forgotten
Bout it le ba? Tt's why i wanted to ask her jus nw after work! Den she run away liao! :(
Yep! Bt no matter wat, actually i shld let it flow naturally rite? Tinkin of things to ask/say is like so deliberate & weird! Hmm..
Yah.. Bt i kinda found it like "wow!" hahaha! Dunno why my sup had 脾气 den made me feel tt it's easier to interact! Maybe coz tt meant tt normally she really isn't fierce, jus dao1 lookin! Heheh! Coz she really has times wen she is angry! Heheh! Yeah! :p & i v bad, coz michael always GL us(tho he might jus b jokin!), bt i jus kinda saw him kena GL-ed back! :p hahahah! & my sup was jus awesome wen she said "你 jus 给我啦！不然要叫两次" or sth along tt line! Haha! It's jus e tone lah! Hahah! I really like idolisin her! She fierce ppl i also tink she damn zai! Hahaha! Shall see if mon haf chance to talk bout it! Hehe!
I actually m lookin forward to work! I tink v much coz of her luh! Heheh! Hmm.. Even if she can't keep takin me out, i'll jus follow other workers ard! Definitely things to learn! Ginn was really experienced & good! I wanted to b critical also! Bt couldn't pick anythin out to comment on leh! :p hehe! Shall reflect & think harder properly again tmr! :D
Hee! Nw feel better! Maybe coz talkin bout cheeky things bout my sup! :p haha! Shall go ask her wat's my future plan! :p heheh! Actually i kinda thot of a way to improve on my micro skills! Hahah! Hmm.. Let me tink again tmr! & write in reflections! See hw is kaiyi gg to take e idea! :p hahah!
Yep! Wonder wat i'm gg to do on mon! :p & is on mon ONWARDS! Heheh! Yeah!
Din wan to b buggin my sup non-stop! Bt dunno if she wanted me to b more proactive also or not! Really nt sure! So is 胆战心惊 kind! Bt jus nw after sun love, i really wanted to go out & observe! Heheh! So i went to her! Luckily i did! & tt's hw i managed to go out & observe! :D & was a fun one! Full of learnin opportunities! Heheh! & will haf things to reflect & internalise over e weekend! :D
Ya.. Actually also dunno whether kaiyi has a plan for me ahead or nt! It's like julia's & huiwen's sup & marian's sup also haf quite a comprehensive plan for each of them le! Like wat shld they go for & stuff! Hmm.. Mine & nicole's... Jus tink tt no matter wat, at least my sup is more experienced, a lot more open to my feedback & questions(my opinion lah..)! Heheh! So i feel more assured! :D bt scare she is tt kind of today feel like doin wat den do wat kind! I dun mind lah.. Bt tt means i've to keep gg to bug her loh.. Hahah! & think she has to find sth for me to do liao! Coz i finished most of e readings! & will finish them by this weekend! (i hope! :p) i tink she gg to b 吓到 by this wk's reflections! Coz e micro skills part reflections shld b quite a lot? Hmm.. Bt actually no la.. Mon 1 page, tues 1 page & 2 lines. Yest maybe 1 page or slightly lesser? & wed bout 2 pages & today maybe about 2 also? Haha! So is like 7 pages? Hehe! Oops! Last wk only 5! :p bt really haf to express my fears & concern luh! Hahah! If she say long, den i cut again loh! Heheh! Yep!
Hahah! I kinda wan supervision everyday! :p & quality(one of my criteria is quantity! :p)! Bt siao! Impossible! Heheh! My sup sure nt so free! :p
Hahah! Bt say say only! Jus bout once or twice per wk enuff liao! & take cases & all tt (those will need supervision) Hehehe! I really tink i've attachment issues! Heheh! Need for attachment! :p hehe!
Bt anw! Tt's it! Really feelin much better nw! Maybe talkin bout "hope" stuff! Haha! Jus did a readin on "hope" this morn! Nearly jus killed me! :p hehee! Bt yep! :D
K! :D time to sleep! Glad tt i last min decided to join pingping they all!! <3 <3 hehe! & heart heart pingping! :D & of coz julia & pau & my IMH intern frens & also my other frens, like OC, tong, dabong & all! :D hehe!
Yay! Nitex! :D
Kheng.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Ranting time
Omg! Seriously!!!!! I need to rant!! Rawwr!!! Bt cannot do it to pingping! Coz ltr scare her! & not to pau coz i scared e buggin becomes too regular! I've to learn to manage myself luh! Yep! & most other ppl out coz IP noes most of them!! :(:(:(
Haiz! Actually it was nothin! Still felt bad why every morn i'll feel quite off! Bt den by e end of e day, i get irritated! It's like an alternate day thingy!
Haiz! Shalln't talk too much! It pricks my "conscience" to even b bitching! Even tho it's only on my blog!
Jus tired i tink?
Omg! Karma came immediately! Choked on my own saliva! & coughed like TB! E person in front of me kept turnin over to look at me!! Omg! Nw dun even dare to cough!
Bt yah! Really is rahh!!!
Ya! They planned a lunch on 29th may! Omg! Cannot eat lunch w pingping they all le! Bt i'm choosin to give up on tt so tt can eat w my sup! Hehe! Coz it matters to me luh! Hahah! Maybe one of e rare few times also! For us to eat tgt! Hehe!
Yep! Hehe! Yay! Like finally! She is bringing me out tmr! Hehe! Also dunno whether does she haf a plan for me! Like wat i shld b doin, or jus got case den give me, tt kind of ad hoc basis! Bt i shalln't complain! Coz no matter wat, still better than nicole's sup! I tink i'm in need of a lot of supervision nw! It's nt e time to manage w a sup whom isn't like wat i need!
Yep! I'm really pinnin all my hopes on supervision to improve my skills! & everythin else! It will determine whether i become darin enuff to take on casework in future or not! Like totally!! Hehe! So prayin huh!
Bt of coz, cannot b too reliant! Mus source for own resources also! Hee!
Yep! I tink e boundary which i draw is alr formin a wall? As in i also dunno wat is e state like nw? I wan to cross e boundary to become more casual w my sup! Haha! Jus dunno whether it is possible or nt! Bt ya luh.. Hehe! I din noe i would actually be this formal right frm e start! It was sth tt i din expect! Haha! & realised only after kaiyi pointed it out! So yep! & still better? I tink? Tt at least it's jus me being uncomfortable w ppl of higher authority? & nt crossin e boundary & possibly irritatin her? Haah! Watever! It's kinda like "fixed" now alr! I shall jus hope tt we will progress towards more "fun" & of coz maintain e loads of learnin! Heheh! I'm quite greedy huh? :p heheh! Ya! Bt shall see how things go! Hehe!
Actually i'm really dreadin end of placement! Everythin here is like too beautiful & nice le! Maybe tmr or nxt wk wen i see patients, i'll tink otherwise le huh? :p hehehe!
Yep! Bt watever! I wan to rant! Hehe!
Hmm.. Bt shalln't b greedy! If i wan so many things frm this exp w my sup, den does it mean i've to forsake other things? Heheh! After watchin 换乐无穷, i stopped myself frm wishin for too many things! Hehehe! :p
Yep! Watever lah! Hahaha! Possible to take a nap? Den i'll start thinkin of wat i can do to improve my micro skills! Cannot jus throw everythin to my sup to tink! I wan to b an independent learner w loads of guidance of coz! :p hahaa! Sounds contradictory! Bt i noe wat i mean!! :p heheh!
Kheng :)
Haiz! Actually it was nothin! Still felt bad why every morn i'll feel quite off! Bt den by e end of e day, i get irritated! It's like an alternate day thingy!
Haiz! Shalln't talk too much! It pricks my "conscience" to even b bitching! Even tho it's only on my blog!
Jus tired i tink?
Omg! Karma came immediately! Choked on my own saliva! & coughed like TB! E person in front of me kept turnin over to look at me!! Omg! Nw dun even dare to cough!
Bt yah! Really is rahh!!!
Ya! They planned a lunch on 29th may! Omg! Cannot eat lunch w pingping they all le! Bt i'm choosin to give up on tt so tt can eat w my sup! Hehe! Coz it matters to me luh! Hahah! Maybe one of e rare few times also! For us to eat tgt! Hehe!
Yep! Hehe! Yay! Like finally! She is bringing me out tmr! Hehe! Also dunno whether does she haf a plan for me! Like wat i shld b doin, or jus got case den give me, tt kind of ad hoc basis! Bt i shalln't complain! Coz no matter wat, still better than nicole's sup! I tink i'm in need of a lot of supervision nw! It's nt e time to manage w a sup whom isn't like wat i need!
Yep! I'm really pinnin all my hopes on supervision to improve my skills! & everythin else! It will determine whether i become darin enuff to take on casework in future or not! Like totally!! Hehe! So prayin huh!
Bt of coz, cannot b too reliant! Mus source for own resources also! Hee!
Yep! I tink e boundary which i draw is alr formin a wall? As in i also dunno wat is e state like nw? I wan to cross e boundary to become more casual w my sup! Haha! Jus dunno whether it is possible or nt! Bt ya luh.. Hehe! I din noe i would actually be this formal right frm e start! It was sth tt i din expect! Haha! & realised only after kaiyi pointed it out! So yep! & still better? I tink? Tt at least it's jus me being uncomfortable w ppl of higher authority? & nt crossin e boundary & possibly irritatin her? Haah! Watever! It's kinda like "fixed" now alr! I shall jus hope tt we will progress towards more "fun" & of coz maintain e loads of learnin! Heheh! I'm quite greedy huh? :p heheh! Ya! Bt shall see how things go! Hehe!
Actually i'm really dreadin end of placement! Everythin here is like too beautiful & nice le! Maybe tmr or nxt wk wen i see patients, i'll tink otherwise le huh? :p hehehe!
Yep! Bt watever! I wan to rant! Hehe!
Hmm.. Bt shalln't b greedy! If i wan so many things frm this exp w my sup, den does it mean i've to forsake other things? Heheh! After watchin 换乐无穷, i stopped myself frm wishin for too many things! Hehehe! :p
Yep! Watever lah! Hahaha! Possible to take a nap? Den i'll start thinkin of wat i can do to improve my micro skills! Cannot jus throw everythin to my sup to tink! I wan to b an independent learner w loads of guidance of coz! :p hahaa! Sounds contradictory! Bt i noe wat i mean!! :p heheh!
Kheng :)
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Reflective mode on!
Heheh! Reflective mode turned on for entire day liao! Heheh! This morn went for seminar! Den after tt finally had a supervision! :D hehe! Though jus half an hour! I still feel tt my sup is v busy! Hehe! Bt she din give me e she needs to rush off feel! At least wen she was inside, she was givin me her full attention! Hehe! & she smiled a lot to me! V nice & encourgin! Hehe!
Oh man! Din realise tt i'm losin my confidence! I reflected in my journal tt i tink it's coz i can't b sure coz social work is not like maths, not right or wrong! & coz i dun haf knowledge! Jus nw wen talkin to huiwen over whatsapp den i realised is coz i'm becomin so conflict avoidant! Oh man! Bt in relation to work, it's coz i'm afraid i look stupid! & i realised i'm kinda being conditioned by "sup" & yah's style! I dun quite dare to speak! Den my sup asked "wat is stoppin u?" den i realised i'm actually v scared! & is i put on a defence mechanism to block off my sup! Coz i tink i'm worried bout boundary issues ba! Bt yep! Kaiyi was jus fast & pro! She quickly got me to realise it! Maybe is i'm sensitive to such stuff & react v quickly? Bt i can only say she is good at catchin & able to get me to face it! Hehehe! Art of probin! She is superb! & she really did smile to me! Heheheh! As in reassurin coz e rest say she looks v dao! Haha! She is really dao-lookin of coz! Jus tt tt short interaction on mon made me feel tt even if she wan to roll eyes at me, she will hold it back! Heheh! Yep! So today jus a reassurance! Hahah! Yep!
& today met pau first! Den after tt pingping den seminar! After seminar, we were totally havin fun! Esp on our way back! We jus laughed non stop!! Haha! I tink there's jus little bit of breakthrough! Realised tt wen i talked w jeannette present to pingping, i was totally restrained! Heheh! Mus b coz i felt tt she might tink we v lame! She is like so pro, so knowledgable! & like din participate in our lamenting/lame jokes! :p heheheh! So i was restrained again!
Hahah! Omg! Jus realised tt there is no end to increasin self-awareness! Was thinkin wat can i reflect this time round! Coz i tink i understood myself alot durin previous placement & my 21yrs of life le! Hehe! Kaiyi's "first" attempt alr unfolded sth tt i've always thot i aren't - not confident! Heheh!
Ya!! Cool max! So glad tt i've a good sup! Jus feel tt if it wasn't another smart/good/has loads of potential student, den e effort will b better utilised! Like movin frm B to an A! I tink for me, is like movin frm D to B? Hehe!
Bt dun care! Since i'm alr blessed w a good sup, i'll jus maximise my opportunity! Yep! & work harder! Who noes i can turn frm D to a B+ or A-? :p heheheh! Yep! 勤能补拙！:D
& i better make sure i do it! Dun say say only! Hehe! Yep!
Lol! Totally motivated! Hehe! Jus nw was tellin pingping i'm kinda glad to b back to my 8-5 schedule tmr! & she was totally shocked! Like why i would wan to wake up so early! Bt it's totally nt bout tt part! Bt more of i need routine? Lol! I felt like sth is missin coz this morn i din buy coffee for e rest (tho i've only done it twice so far! :p), weird tt i din take e mornin bus! Weird tt i din go lunch w 4 crazy ppl! Felt tt i missed out a lot of fun jus nw coz din lunch w them! :p hehe! & i tink cos i can look forward to a good supervision/short discussion for e nxt few days? Jus one of e days or maybe more? Nt too sure also! :p heheh! Yep!
Glad! Tt i'm lookin forward to work! Heheheh! Dunno i'm blessed or izzit my character! Hahah! Love work so much all w time! :p heheh! Hope i bring this on into future work! :D hehe! As in wen i really start workin! :D
Yep! Yec meetin was like a.. Dunno hw to say! There's like politics again! Lol! Bt i din contribute much! & it doesn't affect me! & so concerned w gg home i took e mrt coz my 2 buses jus left! :p heheh! Yep! Bt i stayed k! Haha! Luckily they ended at 910! If nt i would haf requested to go also! Hehe! Coz i told ho kit & valerie alr! Hehe!
Jus tt i cannot concur w valerie on her tryin to engage e members thru taskin them w responsibilities! Coz so far, ppl like df & me actually dun wan e responsibilities! We jus take on & curse & swear! :p heheheh! It is linked to motivation luh.. Hehe! Yep! I tink i'll get karma again? :/ bt den i really nt motivated & i totally dun feel supported in yec! So i'm nt willin to make more frens or push for more initiatives too! It's a vicious cycle i noe! Bt i'm nt concerned bout creatin a change here! Hehe!
Yep! Jus totally inspired by kaiyi! She is really amazin! Hahaha! Maybe i will whine & bitch soon bout her if things dun go well or sth happens? Hahah! Bt for e moment, she really is my current source of inspiration! Hahah! Totally liked e way she said placement is bout "building __, confidence, resilience(i tink!) & i hope i can b help u in it(sth along this line!)" lol! Heheh! I nodded my head immediately wen she said it! Hahah! Coz i haf like absolute confidence in her! Heheh!
Yeah! Amazin! :D heheh! Bt at least now i noe v well i'm jus glad w e supervisor-student r/s has hope of becomin a superb one! She showed me hw i can b forthcomin even if we dun haf a personal r/s! She jus made me trust her! Hehe! Yep! :) even tho i dunno her well, & evn tho i dunno whether she would b rollin her eyes at me behind her back! Hehe! I jus felt like i could take e risk to expose myself! Hehe! & i'm glad she gave me e "go ahead" to jus say watever i think! & i really did tell myself to go ahead & say! Heheh!
Actually there were so much more emotions! Hahaha! Nw tt i'm bloggin den i realise! :p hehe! Add on to my learnin log tmr! :D heheh!
Yep! I'm glad coz i tink i'm drawin e line! Tt supervisor-student r/s can b fun, cosy & warm! I can still trust & share! & i tink she will still like me! Hahahahahah! Yep! Thot of 2 other pts to add on to reflections! Hehe! In case i forget:
1) trust
2) assurance - i need it wen i talk! Bt wat if ppl dun give me? M i able to still b firm?
& jus nw e pt i realised instantly wen i was w marian, walkin up e outram escalator was i'm avoiding aggressiveness to e extent of nt even being assertive!
Yep! Hehe! I tink partly also coz of e combi this time! I tink everyone is v strong! So i'm takin a bad seat! Hehe! Yep! :) coz of wat? Conflict avoiding again!! Heh! Yep!
Bt all these reflections will amt to nothin if i do nt do sth actively bout them! Yep! So tmr first thing! Add on to reflections! No 2: print out e list of resources! No 3: read up on e laws available! No 4: finish up on e book on psychiatry!
Yep!! :D all e sups recommended tt! It mus b a really good & awesome book! :D heheh!
Yeah! Nt bad! A good wake up call to me! Hehe! Felt motivated to learn a lot for placement! Bt tink i wasn't all ready yet! Esp wen i din noe i'm actually being defensive myself! Hehh! Yep! I fear being wrong/stupid too much!! Heh!
Yep! Awesome! Really tink kaiyi is amazin! Okay! Stop singin her praises! If i idolise her too much & become unable to be objective, i might jus take all she say! Where is my desire to establish critical thinking skills? Heheh!
Yep! Rmb! Reflection mus translate into action!! :D
& build up "confidence & resilience"! Heheheh!
Kheng.
Oh man! Din realise tt i'm losin my confidence! I reflected in my journal tt i tink it's coz i can't b sure coz social work is not like maths, not right or wrong! & coz i dun haf knowledge! Jus nw wen talkin to huiwen over whatsapp den i realised is coz i'm becomin so conflict avoidant! Oh man! Bt in relation to work, it's coz i'm afraid i look stupid! & i realised i'm kinda being conditioned by "sup" & yah's style! I dun quite dare to speak! Den my sup asked "wat is stoppin u?" den i realised i'm actually v scared! & is i put on a defence mechanism to block off my sup! Coz i tink i'm worried bout boundary issues ba! Bt yep! Kaiyi was jus fast & pro! She quickly got me to realise it! Maybe is i'm sensitive to such stuff & react v quickly? Bt i can only say she is good at catchin & able to get me to face it! Hehehe! Art of probin! She is superb! & she really did smile to me! Heheheh! As in reassurin coz e rest say she looks v dao! Haha! She is really dao-lookin of coz! Jus tt tt short interaction on mon made me feel tt even if she wan to roll eyes at me, she will hold it back! Heheh! Yep! So today jus a reassurance! Hahah! Yep!
& today met pau first! Den after tt pingping den seminar! After seminar, we were totally havin fun! Esp on our way back! We jus laughed non stop!! Haha! I tink there's jus little bit of breakthrough! Realised tt wen i talked w jeannette present to pingping, i was totally restrained! Heheh! Mus b coz i felt tt she might tink we v lame! She is like so pro, so knowledgable! & like din participate in our lamenting/lame jokes! :p heheheh! So i was restrained again!
Hahah! Omg! Jus realised tt there is no end to increasin self-awareness! Was thinkin wat can i reflect this time round! Coz i tink i understood myself alot durin previous placement & my 21yrs of life le! Hehe! Kaiyi's "first" attempt alr unfolded sth tt i've always thot i aren't - not confident! Heheh!
Ya!! Cool max! So glad tt i've a good sup! Jus feel tt if it wasn't another smart/good/has loads of potential student, den e effort will b better utilised! Like movin frm B to an A! I tink for me, is like movin frm D to B? Hehe!
Bt dun care! Since i'm alr blessed w a good sup, i'll jus maximise my opportunity! Yep! & work harder! Who noes i can turn frm D to a B+ or A-? :p heheheh! Yep! 勤能补拙！:D
& i better make sure i do it! Dun say say only! Hehe! Yep!
Lol! Totally motivated! Hehe! Jus nw was tellin pingping i'm kinda glad to b back to my 8-5 schedule tmr! & she was totally shocked! Like why i would wan to wake up so early! Bt it's totally nt bout tt part! Bt more of i need routine? Lol! I felt like sth is missin coz this morn i din buy coffee for e rest (tho i've only done it twice so far! :p), weird tt i din take e mornin bus! Weird tt i din go lunch w 4 crazy ppl! Felt tt i missed out a lot of fun jus nw coz din lunch w them! :p hehe! & i tink cos i can look forward to a good supervision/short discussion for e nxt few days? Jus one of e days or maybe more? Nt too sure also! :p heheh! Yep!
Glad! Tt i'm lookin forward to work! Heheheh! Dunno i'm blessed or izzit my character! Hahah! Love work so much all w time! :p heheh! Hope i bring this on into future work! :D hehe! As in wen i really start workin! :D
Yep! Yec meetin was like a.. Dunno hw to say! There's like politics again! Lol! Bt i din contribute much! & it doesn't affect me! & so concerned w gg home i took e mrt coz my 2 buses jus left! :p heheh! Yep! Bt i stayed k! Haha! Luckily they ended at 910! If nt i would haf requested to go also! Hehe! Coz i told ho kit & valerie alr! Hehe!
Jus tt i cannot concur w valerie on her tryin to engage e members thru taskin them w responsibilities! Coz so far, ppl like df & me actually dun wan e responsibilities! We jus take on & curse & swear! :p heheheh! It is linked to motivation luh.. Hehe! Yep! I tink i'll get karma again? :/ bt den i really nt motivated & i totally dun feel supported in yec! So i'm nt willin to make more frens or push for more initiatives too! It's a vicious cycle i noe! Bt i'm nt concerned bout creatin a change here! Hehe!
Yep! Jus totally inspired by kaiyi! She is really amazin! Hahaha! Maybe i will whine & bitch soon bout her if things dun go well or sth happens? Hahah! Bt for e moment, she really is my current source of inspiration! Hahah! Totally liked e way she said placement is bout "building __, confidence, resilience(i tink!) & i hope i can b help u in it(sth along this line!)" lol! Heheh! I nodded my head immediately wen she said it! Hahah! Coz i haf like absolute confidence in her! Heheh!
Yeah! Amazin! :D heheh! Bt at least now i noe v well i'm jus glad w e supervisor-student r/s has hope of becomin a superb one! She showed me hw i can b forthcomin even if we dun haf a personal r/s! She jus made me trust her! Hehe! Yep! :) even tho i dunno her well, & evn tho i dunno whether she would b rollin her eyes at me behind her back! Hehe! I jus felt like i could take e risk to expose myself! Hehe! & i'm glad she gave me e "go ahead" to jus say watever i think! & i really did tell myself to go ahead & say! Heheh!
Actually there were so much more emotions! Hahaha! Nw tt i'm bloggin den i realise! :p hehe! Add on to my learnin log tmr! :D heheh!
Yep! I'm glad coz i tink i'm drawin e line! Tt supervisor-student r/s can b fun, cosy & warm! I can still trust & share! & i tink she will still like me! Hahahahahah! Yep! Thot of 2 other pts to add on to reflections! Hehe! In case i forget:
1) trust
2) assurance - i need it wen i talk! Bt wat if ppl dun give me? M i able to still b firm?
& jus nw e pt i realised instantly wen i was w marian, walkin up e outram escalator was i'm avoiding aggressiveness to e extent of nt even being assertive!
Yep! Hehe! I tink partly also coz of e combi this time! I tink everyone is v strong! So i'm takin a bad seat! Hehe! Yep! :) coz of wat? Conflict avoiding again!! Heh! Yep!
Bt all these reflections will amt to nothin if i do nt do sth actively bout them! Yep! So tmr first thing! Add on to reflections! No 2: print out e list of resources! No 3: read up on e laws available! No 4: finish up on e book on psychiatry!
Yep!! :D all e sups recommended tt! It mus b a really good & awesome book! :D heheh!
Yeah! Nt bad! A good wake up call to me! Hehe! Felt motivated to learn a lot for placement! Bt tink i wasn't all ready yet! Esp wen i din noe i'm actually being defensive myself! Hehh! Yep! I fear being wrong/stupid too much!! Heh!
Yep! Awesome! Really tink kaiyi is amazin! Okay! Stop singin her praises! If i idolise her too much & become unable to be objective, i might jus take all she say! Where is my desire to establish critical thinking skills? Heheh!
Yep! Rmb! Reflection mus translate into action!! :D
& build up "confidence & resilience"! Heheheh!
Kheng.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Omg!
Omg! Totally shocked jus nw! Wen chongchong said mamasan always mentioned kaiyi! Omg! Freak! Jus scared ltr kaiyi go say her intern at MP supervision nt v good! Den mamasan ask, den wah! Omg!! It's like i badmouthin mamasan! No leh! It's jus tt she busy! Heh! Bt honestly i got a little bit of grumbles inside!
I jus feel tt it's first internship, i dunno hw much to push for! & hw i could b proactive! Maybe jus excuses! Bt yep..
Bt anw! I said! I hope they wun talk bout it! Bt if talk i also no choice! Already say le! & i was jus sayin e truth! Din gossip! Bt of coz if spread still nt v nice! Yep!
2nd thing: shock! Din noe yah's 3 new interns so on & high! & sup they all seem to b gettin on well w them! Of coz it's a good thing! At least they r nice & lovable! Hehe! & proactive! Good for learnin! I still told li ting to b more proactive! Bt is coz she nt gg to b social worker tt's why wyh nt willin to invest on her! Omg! A bit yuan1 wang4 leh! Bt it's nt my choice luh.. Give wat stupid advice lah.. Haha! Din noe they so ren zhen alr! I still ask them b more proactive! Lol!
Yep! & nt envious, nt jelaous! Jus took it to tt end whereby i feel tt ppl get on w their life! Actually i knew this long time back! & i also wat, i also hopin for a good r/s w my new sup & all tt.. Jus tt i tell myself e r/s w tym sup & yah's ppl cannot b replaced! Maybe they dun haf e intention of usin e new interns to replace us also! Jus tt i'm feelin tt they r like pretty alike us in terms of establishin e r/s! & in fact faster than us! Jus feel theratened ba perhaps! Coz i thot we alr reached e peak of possibly establishin a good r/s w sups le! Yep!
Jus tt i more fragile lah.. Hehe! & i tink more loh! Yep! I jus feel tt since they r good/alike, den our value diminishes a lot! & chong2 asked them to sing a song for farewell! Perhaps they will nv b e same as us bah.. Bt well, jus feel tt e position is being replaced! :/ also dunno! Perhaps it's jus no confidence ba! & really, i cannot possibly expect chongchong they all to only like us forever & ever rite! After all, we r only one batch! I jus din expect e 3 of them to b so onzz kind! & i tink ambiguity ba, chongchong at first said they 讨好型 bt after tt seem quite pleased! I also dunno!
Actually after wat happened recently, i realised i lose confidence v easily! Like once i perceive a threat, or a change, i'll back out totally & completely reject sth! I'm nt rejectin sup they all of coz! I jus feel tt it's time to withdraw certain things to protect myself! Yep!
Bt actually, like i said to dabong! Actually i'm thankful to dashen! Her episode made me withdraw myself frm her! & it's kinda like a since i can retract from her, someone whom i was so attached to all these while, i'm sure i can let go & accept e distancin w e other yah staff & ppl! & yep! I was transiting well into my IMH job!
Yep! & since i've e awareness tt i always retract too fast, i shld remind myself nt to negate all e positive experiences we've had tgt & all e bond built! I dunno hw things will b like in e future! Bt i'll nt give up totally! Yep! Bt of coz preparin mysel for losses! Yep! Jus dun b too pessimistic & extreme & start droppin everythin! Yep! :)
& den e remainin thing will b bout fiona & also marian! Yep! Bt tired le! Shalln't blog anymore! Go sleep first!
Bt anw, today is really a little depressin by e end of e day! Coz i jus realised i've to relearn bout hw to manage r/s! It's e same prob again! Maybe i'm jus unable to handle it & shld jus accept tt i'll jus haf to plunge & get hurt or sth? Or shld i distance myself totally? Bt i can't do tt leh! Hehe! Yeah lo! Maybe i'll b capable of strikin balance! Let me give it a try? Hmm.. Bt yep!
Only good thing: met xb! & e 3 of us r still e same! (as in dazhongxiao bongz <3 <3) Actually chongchong, sup they all also! Jus tt i feel tt circumstances haf changed! :/ bt maybe things wun change! It din today! Hehe!
Yep!
Keep harpin which means this thing matters a lot to me:
I hope i get a proper & long enuff session to explore w kaiyi wat is gg on & stuff! Hehe! Need a 定心丸！& really to settle e stuff!!!! Yep! :)
Kheng.
Tmr'll b a better day! Right? :)
I jus feel tt it's first internship, i dunno hw much to push for! & hw i could b proactive! Maybe jus excuses! Bt yep..
Bt anw! I said! I hope they wun talk bout it! Bt if talk i also no choice! Already say le! & i was jus sayin e truth! Din gossip! Bt of coz if spread still nt v nice! Yep!
2nd thing: shock! Din noe yah's 3 new interns so on & high! & sup they all seem to b gettin on well w them! Of coz it's a good thing! At least they r nice & lovable! Hehe! & proactive! Good for learnin! I still told li ting to b more proactive! Bt is coz she nt gg to b social worker tt's why wyh nt willin to invest on her! Omg! A bit yuan1 wang4 leh! Bt it's nt my choice luh.. Give wat stupid advice lah.. Haha! Din noe they so ren zhen alr! I still ask them b more proactive! Lol!
Yep! & nt envious, nt jelaous! Jus took it to tt end whereby i feel tt ppl get on w their life! Actually i knew this long time back! & i also wat, i also hopin for a good r/s w my new sup & all tt.. Jus tt i tell myself e r/s w tym sup & yah's ppl cannot b replaced! Maybe they dun haf e intention of usin e new interns to replace us also! Jus tt i'm feelin tt they r like pretty alike us in terms of establishin e r/s! & in fact faster than us! Jus feel theratened ba perhaps! Coz i thot we alr reached e peak of possibly establishin a good r/s w sups le! Yep!
Jus tt i more fragile lah.. Hehe! & i tink more loh! Yep! I jus feel tt since they r good/alike, den our value diminishes a lot! & chong2 asked them to sing a song for farewell! Perhaps they will nv b e same as us bah.. Bt well, jus feel tt e position is being replaced! :/ also dunno! Perhaps it's jus no confidence ba! & really, i cannot possibly expect chongchong they all to only like us forever & ever rite! After all, we r only one batch! I jus din expect e 3 of them to b so onzz kind! & i tink ambiguity ba, chongchong at first said they 讨好型 bt after tt seem quite pleased! I also dunno!
Actually after wat happened recently, i realised i lose confidence v easily! Like once i perceive a threat, or a change, i'll back out totally & completely reject sth! I'm nt rejectin sup they all of coz! I jus feel tt it's time to withdraw certain things to protect myself! Yep!
Bt actually, like i said to dabong! Actually i'm thankful to dashen! Her episode made me withdraw myself frm her! & it's kinda like a since i can retract from her, someone whom i was so attached to all these while, i'm sure i can let go & accept e distancin w e other yah staff & ppl! & yep! I was transiting well into my IMH job!
Yep! & since i've e awareness tt i always retract too fast, i shld remind myself nt to negate all e positive experiences we've had tgt & all e bond built! I dunno hw things will b like in e future! Bt i'll nt give up totally! Yep! Bt of coz preparin mysel for losses! Yep! Jus dun b too pessimistic & extreme & start droppin everythin! Yep! :)
& den e remainin thing will b bout fiona & also marian! Yep! Bt tired le! Shalln't blog anymore! Go sleep first!
Bt anw, today is really a little depressin by e end of e day! Coz i jus realised i've to relearn bout hw to manage r/s! It's e same prob again! Maybe i'm jus unable to handle it & shld jus accept tt i'll jus haf to plunge & get hurt or sth? Or shld i distance myself totally? Bt i can't do tt leh! Hehe! Yeah lo! Maybe i'll b capable of strikin balance! Let me give it a try? Hmm.. Bt yep!
Only good thing: met xb! & e 3 of us r still e same! (as in dazhongxiao bongz <3 <3) Actually chongchong, sup they all also! Jus tt i feel tt circumstances haf changed! :/ bt maybe things wun change! It din today! Hehe!
Yep!
Keep harpin which means this thing matters a lot to me:
I hope i get a proper & long enuff session to explore w kaiyi wat is gg on & stuff! Hehe! Need a 定心丸！& really to settle e stuff!!!! Yep! :)
Kheng.
Tmr'll b a better day! Right? :)
:(
Hmm! If this is 10yrs ago, i tink it would b classified as "school bullyin" liao? Heheh!
Ya lo! Wah! Today my nerves were really "gotten on"! Could only avoid a head-on collision! Feel damn [*~€#+\%~#*|>¥\ actually! Bt wat can i do rite?
Yep! I tink it has gotta do w e person? If it's someone else, maybe i wun b this angry? Or rather, there aren't many others who will do this to me! Heh! It wasn't a v serious thing! Bt i seriously felt triggered!
Cannot complain to pingping coz she will meet julia & din wan to complain non-stop to pau! Most prob will rant to dabong ltr! After tt day, told myself i cannot bitch anymore! As in gossip! Bt nw is nt to gossip! Bt is to rant! Bt nt sure if ltr will haf chance also or nt luh.. Heh!
Yep! I tink mou mou will b damn stunned if she sees all these! Coz dun tink she will expect me to b so affected by so many things! Yep! Bt okay la! I'm still at 95% functioning level! So nt much prob! :) hehe! Jus tt my mood is inevitably affected & of coz e way i view certain things & work! Haiz! Bt i dun wish to write too much! Tink dun wan it to b "exposed" also!
Yep! Bt really dun like certain things!! :(
Bt nvm! Gg to meet dabong, xb, chongchong & sup!!! :D happy max!! :D hehehe! Can rant & hear bout e new interns! :D heheh!
& tmr morn will see pau & pingping again! :D heheh! & can take my time come back IMH! :p hehe! Nt tt i dread comin back! I'm still enjoyin my time & life here! Hehe! Jus tt got a bit of change u see! :p heheh! If nt every morn e 8am really v hard to 度过！heh!
Yep! & din meet my sup today! She was jus busy! I kinda din wan to meet her wen i saw tt there was half an hour left also!!! Coz i wanted to sit down & talk properly w her! Heheh! Bt again, mus remind myself to remain balanced! Dun expect too much! Tt will reduce my self-consciousness & make me more at ease also! Hehe! I guess i'm still hopin for a good supervisor-student relationship! :p heheh! Bt yah is really impossible lah! I noe it! Jus tt whether i can practise it in my sub-consciousness & hopes or nt is another issue!! Yep! :)
Hehe! Bt ok! Today i tink nt v jiatlat! She is nice lah! Haha! So dun feel as rejected as e previous time! Hehe! & i really tink e 4 days she was away really gave me a good opportunity for me to moderate my expectations of hw we shld b interacting & my expectations & all tt! Yep! & of coz, lookin at other egs! :D hehe! Yep!
K! Tt's it! :D hehe! Shall hope for a cool & nice supervision tmr! :D hehe!! If i do catch her! :)
Kheng.
Ya lo! Wah! Today my nerves were really "gotten on"! Could only avoid a head-on collision! Feel damn [*~€#+\%~#*|>¥\ actually! Bt wat can i do rite?
Yep! I tink it has gotta do w e person? If it's someone else, maybe i wun b this angry? Or rather, there aren't many others who will do this to me! Heh! It wasn't a v serious thing! Bt i seriously felt triggered!
Cannot complain to pingping coz she will meet julia & din wan to complain non-stop to pau! Most prob will rant to dabong ltr! After tt day, told myself i cannot bitch anymore! As in gossip! Bt nw is nt to gossip! Bt is to rant! Bt nt sure if ltr will haf chance also or nt luh.. Heh!
Yep! I tink mou mou will b damn stunned if she sees all these! Coz dun tink she will expect me to b so affected by so many things! Yep! Bt okay la! I'm still at 95% functioning level! So nt much prob! :) hehe! Jus tt my mood is inevitably affected & of coz e way i view certain things & work! Haiz! Bt i dun wish to write too much! Tink dun wan it to b "exposed" also!
Yep! Bt really dun like certain things!! :(
Bt nvm! Gg to meet dabong, xb, chongchong & sup!!! :D happy max!! :D hehehe! Can rant & hear bout e new interns! :D heheh!
& tmr morn will see pau & pingping again! :D heheh! & can take my time come back IMH! :p hehe! Nt tt i dread comin back! I'm still enjoyin my time & life here! Hehe! Jus tt got a bit of change u see! :p heheh! If nt every morn e 8am really v hard to 度过！heh!
Yep! & din meet my sup today! She was jus busy! I kinda din wan to meet her wen i saw tt there was half an hour left also!!! Coz i wanted to sit down & talk properly w her! Heheh! Bt again, mus remind myself to remain balanced! Dun expect too much! Tt will reduce my self-consciousness & make me more at ease also! Hehe! I guess i'm still hopin for a good supervisor-student relationship! :p heheh! Bt yah is really impossible lah! I noe it! Jus tt whether i can practise it in my sub-consciousness & hopes or nt is another issue!! Yep! :)
Hehe! Bt ok! Today i tink nt v jiatlat! She is nice lah! Haha! So dun feel as rejected as e previous time! Hehe! & i really tink e 4 days she was away really gave me a good opportunity for me to moderate my expectations of hw we shld b interacting & my expectations & all tt! Yep! & of coz, lookin at other egs! :D hehe! Yep!
K! Tt's it! :D hehe! Shall hope for a cool & nice supervision tmr! :D hehe!! If i do catch her! :)
Kheng.
Friday, May 11, 2012
心情日记
Hehe! Actually tink can start a 心情日记 for placement le! :p hehehe!
Otw back to sch nw! Coz meetin pau at 12 at fusion de initially! Bt den pingping said she gg back sch! Den on wed or sth, i told her i'm gg back! Den nw nv go back! Din tell her i was afraid to see fiona & viv tgt! Hehe! I'm nt scared of seein viv! Actually they ok le! Bt i see i'll feel awkward! Her!
Yep! Den i was thinkin so bad, leech on her/jiahui they all! Den i was thinkin since i'm gg meet pau, might as well go find pingping first! :D can meet her & talk a bit first also! In case tues no time! :p hehehe!
Yep! So i'm gg back nw! Hahaha!
Ya! This morn was lookin at our IMH photos! Coz tink tt my STY & FTY photos damn ugly! Haha! & omg, i saw tt julia's photo & mine can see ppl in e background! It's canteen, nt wards & canteen is open to public! & likelihood of ppl zoomin in to e bg or makin e photo clear to see who is in e bg is really low! Bt i jus wanted to take e worst precaution! So i told huiwen in grp convo! Hehe!
A little paranoid! Bt i really really dun wan huiwen to get into trouble! & it's jus tt she is e one takin photos & uploadin! Den we nt at fault for checkin meh? Push all e blame to her like nt v nice!
& thinkin of e rationale behind this seriousness in nt uploadin photos, i really dun hope to take e 0.1% chance of someone bein able to recog e person in e back! It's like hurtin e patient's confidentiality! Ppl at e back most prob not patients, bt wat if their relatives? Or outpatients? Ltr ppl see & go ask them? I jus dun wan to take e risk!
Yep! & dunno wat e rest will tink! I tink marian & julia might tink i really too kua zhang/scaredy-cat! I dunno! Coz they din make any comments! Jus tt i was thinkin wat might b their possible reactions! Hehe! Tt's wat i tink might b e worst! Maybe they really agree & support my cautious-ness.. I dunno! Hehe! & huiwen said i v care bout her! & put a lot of heart shapes! & nicole said "so much love" i dunno whether do they really mean it, maybe jus 客套话(again, takin e worst scenerio).. Bt i dun care.. As in i'm truly concerned bout huiwen nt gettin into trouble & also concerned bout patients' confidentiality! Yep! & also image of interns! & also of IMH(nw i come to tink of it).. Haha! Bt really bout huiwen & our image & e patient! Yep! Really nt selfish reasons! Esp wen i'm nt e one takin & uploadin! Maybe more of wantin to protect all of us! Upholdin all our images! Coz we're collectively seen as NUS interns! Bt also bout huiwen! Bt of coz wen i said in grp convo, i din say till all of us! Coz scared e rest tink i only concerned bout myself! It's really nt e case! Bt i'm realy concerned bout huiwen on her own also! Hehe! Hmm.. Say out le den realise i nt tt 伟大! Hahah! Bt really nt bout myself only! Hehe! Yep! Bt nt weida also no choice! I jus haf to face it! Hehe! Face e real me! Cannot keep thinkin of myself as e perfect nice person! Heh!
Yep! :) bt at least it's a no-harm act! Really! I dun mean any harm!
Yep!
& not sure if i shld b talkin bout this also! Bt i realised tt after i ranted to pau on thurs, my displeasure was being brought to e surface & it kinda changed e way i interact! V obviously! At least to myself!!
After sayin, it's like i officially recog tt i really cannot trust tt person! It's like anytime she will backstab me consciously or unconsciously! I dun mind being backstabbed & results suffer! Bt i mind if ppl tink poorly of me(all along, i've minded nt being seen as someone who is capable! Bt after e first few days, i tink i'm okay w nt being seen as e best! In fact i tink i really might nt b! Nt e most hardworkin, nt e most capable! Bt i'm really all out to be v hardworkin! Hehe! Bt i mind ppl thinkin of me as being v unethical/not willin to work hard.. Also dunno wat was e image tt she was kinda puttin upon me tt day tt i rejected so much.. Oh maybe it's i dun mind nt being e most capable, bt i mind nt being capable! Meanin i can be e least capable of them all, bt i cannot b nt capable! Yep! & after wat pau told me bout SGH, i jus dun tink even if i'm e best here, i'll b good enuff! Yep! So it'll b more of a challenge myself, much more than being better than any of my peers!) yep!
Bt i decided tt for my own good also, i cannot make it too obvious! Firstly, we need e support! Esp wen we've been frens for so long. We sit nxt to each other! & yep! I cannot make our grp dynamics awful to b in! Yep! It's for everyone's own good, includin mine! I jus recognised tt i need her too! So i haf to really jus take some things! Yep!
& also coz i'm afraid tt conflict will break out! Esp between her & julia! Bt i tink julia is tt kind who might b willin to give in shld a conflict be imminent! So i really dunno! & who noes, i might b e one who end up havin a conflict w nicole or huiwen? Bt yeah, nw while it's still all peaceful & nice, i cannot b e one creatin trouble!! Yep! :)
& jus behave normally, b a litle tolerant, den everythin will really b a lot more peaceful!!! :)
I will feel happier & less affected/guilty also! :)
Yep! & say till so obvious, e main character is obvious! :p hahaha! Bt yep! Ok la! Nw is nt tt kind where i feel a repulsion towards her! Jus tt i find myself v naturally withdrawing frm her! Coz i wan to protect myself! & i jus dun tink she will stand by me in times of need! So i jus dun feel like standin by her also! So petty! Hahah! So tt's why i said, if i'm able to treat her normally, i'll feel less guilty & also ashamed of myself also! Maybe this is jus self-protection rite? Bt it's like i hope i can b more giving & less calculative! Yep!
Bt ok la! I've a week to return to day 1's mode! :D & we'll get busier i tink! & my sup will b back! Hehe!
Actually i tink it's v impossible i can go ask her a lot of things or she can give me loads of supervision time! As in for basic casework i tink sure can! Bt if i wan to like jus talk & explore bout those controversial stuff, tink it wun b possible! Haha! Dunno! Bt yep! I mus remind myself to treat my sup like brandon! Haha! Coz i jus told myself he wun b my sup anyway, so no point tryin to build this strong bond! Haha! & v much coz i dunno hw e dynamics among workers r like! So i only wan to tune in to my sup! In case i get stratified into camps! I tink my sup & brandon on v good terms! Hehe! Bt u nv noe! & also coz so good terms, ltr dunno whether he will compare my behaviour w him & w my sup also or nt! Haha! I jus tink tt social workers also will gossip de!! Heeh! Nt tt i'm an impt topic, bt one tt can b gossiped! Heh!
Really leh! I really can tink a lot! Haha! Bt i'm really thankful i can sleep at nite! Pau once told me fiona said she thinks a lot at nite tt's why can't sleep! Bt wen she told me again after e incident happened, den i realised hw scary it can be! Coz omg! There was a topic tt she could tink bout! & probably coz i was exposed to her set of emotions & everythin! Yep! Bt i tink i'll still b fine w fiona!! :D
Hehe! Yep! K alight liao! :)
Kheng.
Otw back to sch nw! Coz meetin pau at 12 at fusion de initially! Bt den pingping said she gg back sch! Den on wed or sth, i told her i'm gg back! Den nw nv go back! Din tell her i was afraid to see fiona & viv tgt! Hehe! I'm nt scared of seein viv! Actually they ok le! Bt i see i'll feel awkward! Her!
Yep! Den i was thinkin so bad, leech on her/jiahui they all! Den i was thinkin since i'm gg meet pau, might as well go find pingping first! :D can meet her & talk a bit first also! In case tues no time! :p hehehe!
Yep! So i'm gg back nw! Hahaha!
Ya! This morn was lookin at our IMH photos! Coz tink tt my STY & FTY photos damn ugly! Haha! & omg, i saw tt julia's photo & mine can see ppl in e background! It's canteen, nt wards & canteen is open to public! & likelihood of ppl zoomin in to e bg or makin e photo clear to see who is in e bg is really low! Bt i jus wanted to take e worst precaution! So i told huiwen in grp convo! Hehe!
A little paranoid! Bt i really really dun wan huiwen to get into trouble! & it's jus tt she is e one takin photos & uploadin! Den we nt at fault for checkin meh? Push all e blame to her like nt v nice!
& thinkin of e rationale behind this seriousness in nt uploadin photos, i really dun hope to take e 0.1% chance of someone bein able to recog e person in e back! It's like hurtin e patient's confidentiality! Ppl at e back most prob not patients, bt wat if their relatives? Or outpatients? Ltr ppl see & go ask them? I jus dun wan to take e risk!
Yep! & dunno wat e rest will tink! I tink marian & julia might tink i really too kua zhang/scaredy-cat! I dunno! Coz they din make any comments! Jus tt i was thinkin wat might b their possible reactions! Hehe! Tt's wat i tink might b e worst! Maybe they really agree & support my cautious-ness.. I dunno! Hehe! & huiwen said i v care bout her! & put a lot of heart shapes! & nicole said "so much love" i dunno whether do they really mean it, maybe jus 客套话(again, takin e worst scenerio).. Bt i dun care.. As in i'm truly concerned bout huiwen nt gettin into trouble & also concerned bout patients' confidentiality! Yep! & also image of interns! & also of IMH(nw i come to tink of it).. Haha! Bt really bout huiwen & our image & e patient! Yep! Really nt selfish reasons! Esp wen i'm nt e one takin & uploadin! Maybe more of wantin to protect all of us! Upholdin all our images! Coz we're collectively seen as NUS interns! Bt also bout huiwen! Bt of coz wen i said in grp convo, i din say till all of us! Coz scared e rest tink i only concerned bout myself! It's really nt e case! Bt i'm realy concerned bout huiwen on her own also! Hehe! Hmm.. Say out le den realise i nt tt 伟大! Hahah! Bt really nt bout myself only! Hehe! Yep! Bt nt weida also no choice! I jus haf to face it! Hehe! Face e real me! Cannot keep thinkin of myself as e perfect nice person! Heh!
Yep! :) bt at least it's a no-harm act! Really! I dun mean any harm!
Yep!
& not sure if i shld b talkin bout this also! Bt i realised tt after i ranted to pau on thurs, my displeasure was being brought to e surface & it kinda changed e way i interact! V obviously! At least to myself!!
After sayin, it's like i officially recog tt i really cannot trust tt person! It's like anytime she will backstab me consciously or unconsciously! I dun mind being backstabbed & results suffer! Bt i mind if ppl tink poorly of me(all along, i've minded nt being seen as someone who is capable! Bt after e first few days, i tink i'm okay w nt being seen as e best! In fact i tink i really might nt b! Nt e most hardworkin, nt e most capable! Bt i'm really all out to be v hardworkin! Hehe! Bt i mind ppl thinkin of me as being v unethical/not willin to work hard.. Also dunno wat was e image tt she was kinda puttin upon me tt day tt i rejected so much.. Oh maybe it's i dun mind nt being e most capable, bt i mind nt being capable! Meanin i can be e least capable of them all, bt i cannot b nt capable! Yep! & after wat pau told me bout SGH, i jus dun tink even if i'm e best here, i'll b good enuff! Yep! So it'll b more of a challenge myself, much more than being better than any of my peers!) yep!
Bt i decided tt for my own good also, i cannot make it too obvious! Firstly, we need e support! Esp wen we've been frens for so long. We sit nxt to each other! & yep! I cannot make our grp dynamics awful to b in! Yep! It's for everyone's own good, includin mine! I jus recognised tt i need her too! So i haf to really jus take some things! Yep!
& also coz i'm afraid tt conflict will break out! Esp between her & julia! Bt i tink julia is tt kind who might b willin to give in shld a conflict be imminent! So i really dunno! & who noes, i might b e one who end up havin a conflict w nicole or huiwen? Bt yeah, nw while it's still all peaceful & nice, i cannot b e one creatin trouble!! Yep! :)
& jus behave normally, b a litle tolerant, den everythin will really b a lot more peaceful!!! :)
I will feel happier & less affected/guilty also! :)
Yep! & say till so obvious, e main character is obvious! :p hahaha! Bt yep! Ok la! Nw is nt tt kind where i feel a repulsion towards her! Jus tt i find myself v naturally withdrawing frm her! Coz i wan to protect myself! & i jus dun tink she will stand by me in times of need! So i jus dun feel like standin by her also! So petty! Hahah! So tt's why i said, if i'm able to treat her normally, i'll feel less guilty & also ashamed of myself also! Maybe this is jus self-protection rite? Bt it's like i hope i can b more giving & less calculative! Yep!
Bt ok la! I've a week to return to day 1's mode! :D & we'll get busier i tink! & my sup will b back! Hehe!
Actually i tink it's v impossible i can go ask her a lot of things or she can give me loads of supervision time! As in for basic casework i tink sure can! Bt if i wan to like jus talk & explore bout those controversial stuff, tink it wun b possible! Haha! Dunno! Bt yep! I mus remind myself to treat my sup like brandon! Haha! Coz i jus told myself he wun b my sup anyway, so no point tryin to build this strong bond! Haha! & v much coz i dunno hw e dynamics among workers r like! So i only wan to tune in to my sup! In case i get stratified into camps! I tink my sup & brandon on v good terms! Hehe! Bt u nv noe! & also coz so good terms, ltr dunno whether he will compare my behaviour w him & w my sup also or nt! Haha! I jus tink tt social workers also will gossip de!! Heeh! Nt tt i'm an impt topic, bt one tt can b gossiped! Heh!
Really leh! I really can tink a lot! Haha! Bt i'm really thankful i can sleep at nite! Pau once told me fiona said she thinks a lot at nite tt's why can't sleep! Bt wen she told me again after e incident happened, den i realised hw scary it can be! Coz omg! There was a topic tt she could tink bout! & probably coz i was exposed to her set of emotions & everythin! Yep! Bt i tink i'll still b fine w fiona!! :D
Hehe! Yep! K alight liao! :)
Kheng.
1st week down! :D
Yay! First week of placement down! :D hehe! Actually i'm nt excited in e sense tt i cleared one week! Bt more of: yes! I can sleep tonight! :D for v v long! Tmr dun haf to wake up at 5am!! :p hehehe! Yay! :D
Had quite a fun grp supervision jus nw! I was v wary & careful coz of all e hierarchy thing! Hehe! Actually julia still v 敢讲！admire her courage! & it kinda produced a good result i feel! Hehe! At least she addressed it openly! In front of us, her sup & nicole's sup! :)
Hahah! Her sup really ganchiong spider type! She typical tt kind of model student! Wun break rules! Law by law! Den plus her singlish & way of speakin plus her auntie behaviour! I kinda find her cute!! Heheh! Totally! Julia said she is v tired! & super chiong kind! Hehe! Nw i'm nt scared of her anymore! Dun tink she's fierce! Bt wun joke too much also! Coz tink she might nt enjoy e joke a lot also! Haha! & also coz she really so busy! U say jokes she also wun haf time to listen & laugh! Heh!
Nicole's sup.. Nt bad wor! Hehe! She looks like a young worker! Able to tune in to us i feel! & understand where we r comin frm! Bt definitely still professional! I feel! At least nt e unpro & blur impression i had of her! Hehe!
Bt i feel tt julia was a little cheered up after e grp supervision & on our way to serangoon? Heheh! I feel tt she really looks happy! Heheh! Bt her emotional aspects will b taken care of by her triad! Heheeh! :)
Yep! & huiwen they all really v funny! Totally entertained by hw we work out! Bt first wk only! Nt sure if conflicts will arise! Can only see! :) hehe! Shldn't shun conflicts! Jus hope tt our grp will haf e ability to handle them well & continue workin well & nt affect our r/s! Hehe! Actually nt any deep connection bt i jus feel tt it's a good support grp! Coz there'll b ppl who will listen! & at least we can laugh tgt! At one another! At least huiwen & me can b e jokes to b laughed at! Jus seriously hope she dun mind! Heh!
Yep! Talkin bout conflicts! Seems like fiona & viv resolved le? Went to buy prima deli to eat tgt! & replyin each other actively on whatsapp grp convo! Nt sure whether fiona really got let go or not! Bt really dun care! Hehe! If she dun come to me, maybe i wun go address it le! I jus hope she really wun mind!
Bt actually i really got quite a bit of shock! Why she got so angry! I mean e breakin of trust was really a big thing i noe! Bt e things she said shocked me quite a bit! I din expect her to haf so many negative feelings bout vivian! & i kinda got a little bit scared! I wun dare to open up her pandora's box anymore! Maybe i'm jus timid! Bt dun tink i'm capable of handling! & it's more of like a her belief kind of thing! She seems rather firm in wat she feels/believes! So it wun b easy to create a change? Needs time & more impt-ly, ought to b her agenda! Yep! Bt i a bit 退缩 alr! Haiz!
Yep! I'm nt her best listenin ear! I so wanted to b one of them! & was hopin can provide her w some support, nw i actually a bit scared! & nt interested! Coz i really can't handle e pandora's box being opened! I can't handle uncertainty!
Yep! Bt ya lo.. W all e things happenin & den also this thing.. I jus told myself nobody is perfect! Everyone is immature! Up to e seniors at yah, my parents, my siblings, even my frens! & of coz myself also! Hehe! Jus tt my subconscious is protectin me by buryin it! :p heheheh! So i still haf a good positive self-image!
Hehe! It's kinda good nw! I'm in contact w pingping everyday! :D hehe! Meet pau once in a wk! & can talk to bong regularly! :D hehe! Placement frens at least can joke! I love it wen i can laugh happily & loudly! It's like a proclaim tt i'm happy! & i jus feel like influencing ppl w my laughter! :p heheh!
Yep! & of coz! There's tong! <3 & nt sure bout OC side! Bt realised nxt wk i'm gg out outside! I'm either gg to pon YEC outing or postpone valerie's meetup! I cannot afford to go out everyday! I'll die totally!
Nw placement first wk everythin is smooth! Hehe! Shall chiong finish all e readings by this weekend! :D & summaries! & write today's reflection! Nxt thing to do is to test bus timing! So tt i can haf longer bus sleepin hours! :D heheh!
Yep! & of coz my new sup!!! Really nt sure hw she is like! Like today could see e various different styles! Hehe! Actually i really did hope she would come back! Hahah! Bt i noe she wun de lah! Hahaha! Bt it was still good jus nw! :D hehe!
Actually w her ard, i will definitely b even more self-conscious! Hehe! Hopefully will quickly get into a trustin & comfortable position! Actually i really really hope can haf a good r/s w her! Hehe! It's really impt to me! Heheh! Bt of coz, i tink she is like this pro, experienced, cool, (i feel) nice sup! Like so perfect! & of coz is a sense of pride tt i can say my sup is good & we r close kind! Hehehe! Bt i jus realised tt almost everyone whom i got close to for e past 2 yrs.. Everyone's image was shattered at least once or twice! Some patched back bt some still in broken pieces! So tellin myself no need to mystify my sup! Yep! & even if we dun get v close, nothin to b disappointed also!!
Actually i really jus wan to try my luck! After so many tries, i still wan to get close to ppl! Den allow myself to get hurt for all e different reasons! Den nvm, restart! If i do learn frm my lessons, i wun haf seen ppl like pingping, fiona of such great importance! Hehe! Bt nw balanced out le! Perfectly happy w e level of interaction i've w pingping! :D hehe! She is gg to b one of my major support for this placement also!! :D
Yep! So nt sure! Bt still hopin to haf loads of contact time w my sup! Wait till she scolds me/i realise she is nt perfect! Hahaha! Bt seems quite hard to b realised! Coz all e sups r super busy! All e MSW r!
Yay! Good endin to week 1! Eat, bath & sleep!!! :D
Kheng:)
Had quite a fun grp supervision jus nw! I was v wary & careful coz of all e hierarchy thing! Hehe! Actually julia still v 敢讲！admire her courage! & it kinda produced a good result i feel! Hehe! At least she addressed it openly! In front of us, her sup & nicole's sup! :)
Hahah! Her sup really ganchiong spider type! She typical tt kind of model student! Wun break rules! Law by law! Den plus her singlish & way of speakin plus her auntie behaviour! I kinda find her cute!! Heheh! Totally! Julia said she is v tired! & super chiong kind! Hehe! Nw i'm nt scared of her anymore! Dun tink she's fierce! Bt wun joke too much also! Coz tink she might nt enjoy e joke a lot also! Haha! & also coz she really so busy! U say jokes she also wun haf time to listen & laugh! Heh!
Nicole's sup.. Nt bad wor! Hehe! She looks like a young worker! Able to tune in to us i feel! & understand where we r comin frm! Bt definitely still professional! I feel! At least nt e unpro & blur impression i had of her! Hehe!
Bt i feel tt julia was a little cheered up after e grp supervision & on our way to serangoon? Heheh! I feel tt she really looks happy! Heheh! Bt her emotional aspects will b taken care of by her triad! Heheeh! :)
Yep! & huiwen they all really v funny! Totally entertained by hw we work out! Bt first wk only! Nt sure if conflicts will arise! Can only see! :) hehe! Shldn't shun conflicts! Jus hope tt our grp will haf e ability to handle them well & continue workin well & nt affect our r/s! Hehe! Actually nt any deep connection bt i jus feel tt it's a good support grp! Coz there'll b ppl who will listen! & at least we can laugh tgt! At one another! At least huiwen & me can b e jokes to b laughed at! Jus seriously hope she dun mind! Heh!
Yep! Talkin bout conflicts! Seems like fiona & viv resolved le? Went to buy prima deli to eat tgt! & replyin each other actively on whatsapp grp convo! Nt sure whether fiona really got let go or not! Bt really dun care! Hehe! If she dun come to me, maybe i wun go address it le! I jus hope she really wun mind!
Bt actually i really got quite a bit of shock! Why she got so angry! I mean e breakin of trust was really a big thing i noe! Bt e things she said shocked me quite a bit! I din expect her to haf so many negative feelings bout vivian! & i kinda got a little bit scared! I wun dare to open up her pandora's box anymore! Maybe i'm jus timid! Bt dun tink i'm capable of handling! & it's more of like a her belief kind of thing! She seems rather firm in wat she feels/believes! So it wun b easy to create a change? Needs time & more impt-ly, ought to b her agenda! Yep! Bt i a bit 退缩 alr! Haiz!
Yep! I'm nt her best listenin ear! I so wanted to b one of them! & was hopin can provide her w some support, nw i actually a bit scared! & nt interested! Coz i really can't handle e pandora's box being opened! I can't handle uncertainty!
Yep! Bt ya lo.. W all e things happenin & den also this thing.. I jus told myself nobody is perfect! Everyone is immature! Up to e seniors at yah, my parents, my siblings, even my frens! & of coz myself also! Hehe! Jus tt my subconscious is protectin me by buryin it! :p heheheh! So i still haf a good positive self-image!
Hehe! It's kinda good nw! I'm in contact w pingping everyday! :D hehe! Meet pau once in a wk! & can talk to bong regularly! :D hehe! Placement frens at least can joke! I love it wen i can laugh happily & loudly! It's like a proclaim tt i'm happy! & i jus feel like influencing ppl w my laughter! :p heheh!
Yep! & of coz! There's tong! <3 & nt sure bout OC side! Bt realised nxt wk i'm gg out outside! I'm either gg to pon YEC outing or postpone valerie's meetup! I cannot afford to go out everyday! I'll die totally!
Nw placement first wk everythin is smooth! Hehe! Shall chiong finish all e readings by this weekend! :D & summaries! & write today's reflection! Nxt thing to do is to test bus timing! So tt i can haf longer bus sleepin hours! :D heheh!
Yep! & of coz my new sup!!! Really nt sure hw she is like! Like today could see e various different styles! Hehe! Actually i really did hope she would come back! Hahah! Bt i noe she wun de lah! Hahaha! Bt it was still good jus nw! :D hehe!
Actually w her ard, i will definitely b even more self-conscious! Hehe! Hopefully will quickly get into a trustin & comfortable position! Actually i really really hope can haf a good r/s w her! Hehe! It's really impt to me! Heheh! Bt of coz, i tink she is like this pro, experienced, cool, (i feel) nice sup! Like so perfect! & of coz is a sense of pride tt i can say my sup is good & we r close kind! Hehehe! Bt i jus realised tt almost everyone whom i got close to for e past 2 yrs.. Everyone's image was shattered at least once or twice! Some patched back bt some still in broken pieces! So tellin myself no need to mystify my sup! Yep! & even if we dun get v close, nothin to b disappointed also!!
Actually i really jus wan to try my luck! After so many tries, i still wan to get close to ppl! Den allow myself to get hurt for all e different reasons! Den nvm, restart! If i do learn frm my lessons, i wun haf seen ppl like pingping, fiona of such great importance! Hehe! Bt nw balanced out le! Perfectly happy w e level of interaction i've w pingping! :D hehe! She is gg to b one of my major support for this placement also!! :D
Yep! So nt sure! Bt still hopin to haf loads of contact time w my sup! Wait till she scolds me/i realise she is nt perfect! Hahaha! Bt seems quite hard to b realised! Coz all e sups r super busy! All e MSW r!
Yay! Good endin to week 1! Eat, bath & sleep!!! :D
Kheng:)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Jus a piece of mind?
Hmm. It's 1206am alr! Jus nw met pau till like 10 den walked back! Den came back bathed & preparin to sleep nw! I really tired till head super heavy le! Omg! Only 5hrs of sleep today!! :/ e bus sleep really not a lot! Hopefully tmr no drama & can sleep "in peace"!
Also dunno whether m i right to say "in peace" or nt! Coz it was me who opened e pandora box! & omg! Fiona's emotions r so much! & she is bringin up things which i feel tt is beyond my control! I jus feel tt la.. I only triggered, e rest really is beyond my control! Haiz! Bt i still cannot take all responsibilities off myself! Maybe if i din open it, it wun haf exploded!
Bt well, fiona stopped replyin.. Nt sure he she is takin! I jus tink i shld stop bringin it up! Maybe she is tryin to accept, let it fade in! Jus nw i really wanted to text her bt this was e reason why i din!
& vivian's side, she totally not on whatsapp! & nv ans my calls! Tink she fell asleep?
Haiz! Nw i feel tt it was my fault! I was w pau, so i told viv i will call & update her! Nt coz she is nt impt bt i dun wan jus whatsapp, i wan to talk bout it! Den i was w pau! Selfish reasons! I wanted to make good use of e catch up time! I kinda jus sacrificed dabong! Haiz!!
Bt e 2 of them really haf a lot of underlyin issues within themselves! In e past i've always wanted to help fiona explore! Bt wow! Jus nw i saw e intensity! & was there transference?
Bt yep! I'm sparin myself! & choosin to go to bed! Coz it's an endless thing! & i really need to slp! If nt tmr i cannot function at all! I need to fulfill my ethical responsibilities also! I here worry/wait for reply also nt a solution!
I'm mean.. Bt i really need to sleep! It has been like 3 days w 5/6hrs of sleep alr! :(
Bt.
Haiz!
Relationships r jus so vulnerable!
Kheng.
Also dunno whether m i right to say "in peace" or nt! Coz it was me who opened e pandora box! & omg! Fiona's emotions r so much! & she is bringin up things which i feel tt is beyond my control! I jus feel tt la.. I only triggered, e rest really is beyond my control! Haiz! Bt i still cannot take all responsibilities off myself! Maybe if i din open it, it wun haf exploded!
Bt well, fiona stopped replyin.. Nt sure he she is takin! I jus tink i shld stop bringin it up! Maybe she is tryin to accept, let it fade in! Jus nw i really wanted to text her bt this was e reason why i din!
& vivian's side, she totally not on whatsapp! & nv ans my calls! Tink she fell asleep?
Haiz! Nw i feel tt it was my fault! I was w pau, so i told viv i will call & update her! Nt coz she is nt impt bt i dun wan jus whatsapp, i wan to talk bout it! Den i was w pau! Selfish reasons! I wanted to make good use of e catch up time! I kinda jus sacrificed dabong! Haiz!!
Bt e 2 of them really haf a lot of underlyin issues within themselves! In e past i've always wanted to help fiona explore! Bt wow! Jus nw i saw e intensity! & was there transference?
Bt yep! I'm sparin myself! & choosin to go to bed! Coz it's an endless thing! & i really need to slp! If nt tmr i cannot function at all! I need to fulfill my ethical responsibilities also! I here worry/wait for reply also nt a solution!
I'm mean.. Bt i really need to sleep! It has been like 3 days w 5/6hrs of sleep alr! :(
Bt.
Haiz!
Relationships r jus so vulnerable!
Kheng.
Placement day 4
Hehe! Today was a day full of reflections! Bout e feelings stuff especially! Sat in for a super controversial case conference! Luckily marian's sup was ard to debrief! Coz i had many thots in mind! Hehe! & needed to talk bout it! Hehe!
& heard bout julia's sup's comments! Omg! Here really haf hierarchy! So scary! Hehe! Bt i kinda expected it alr! Coz first day come could kinda feel e vibe! Hehe! Bt i'm ok w it! Coz like frm today, i jus feel tt there'll b tonnes of exposure & learning here!! :D hehehe! Hopefully my sup will b patient in processin such stuff w me too! & hopefully b honest w me! So tt i will noe e "reality" & haf deeper exploration!
Felt a little unwell towards e end! Suddenly feel tt e air so suffocating! Den went out for a breather & felt better! Alao dunno was my prob or e air-con's prob! Hehe! Bt i'm fine nw! Jus tt tummy a bit painful! Tt nicole ah, said tt i've a baby! Sot sot! Hahaha! Bt quite fun w them! Startin to get used to nicole & huiwen's styles! Hehe! They actually v sweet! Nt sure if they'll b cursin & swearin behind me or nt! Bt i'm remindin myself bout boundaries! Esp after wat happened this morn!
Yep! This morn! Din sleep at all! Goodness! Tired max! Could totally feel e heaviness of my head! & nw also! & perhaps tt's why my tummy ache & e feelin of stale air jus nw! Heh! Bt, i finished my 4 days of reflection! :D
Bt anw! I'm becomin quite careful nw after hearin wat juju said! I nv wear slippers alr! Hehe! Coz legs no longer ache w my shoes! Hehe! & jus tryin to keep to e rules! Will only break rules after i talk to my sup & she "approves"! Hahaha! Bt will b careful even if she does so as to nt get her into trouble! Bt i really dunno wat's her style like! Izzit brandon or juju's sup? Mus see! Hehe! Jus waitin for her to come back! To ask her things, to settle things, to process things & maybe start doin things also! :p heheh!
After today, i verify tt marian is zaiyi i "sharin" sup w her nw de! Heh! I jus feel tt she is tryin v hard to prove herself! & she is kinda nt v natural w her sup & e other stuff! As in she is tryin to do things! To prove tt she is useful? I feel la! Den w her sup, she is tryin to b friendly w him! Nothin wrong totally! & i tink brandon is e friendly kind! Yep! Bt i jus feel tt she is tryin to seek approval! & liking!
Felt quite "wat e shit" & kinda like backstabbed wen she said "told u" in front of brandon! Coz we were discussin whether e other country side will do things w e client after he is being sent back! I rmb brandon mentionin tt he is in contact w e shelter over there le! So i said there is contact! Bt i also tink it's unlikely they will follow up w them tho i tink it's good! Marian's qn seemed to suggest to me tt she feels work shld b done! I din say here will continue to establish contact w e other side! Bt after brandon said "no." she said, told u! As if e qn came frm me, as if i was e one who insisted work will b done! I didn't! For goodness sake! & my face jus changed! She thot i said coz i got e ans "wrong"! Bt pls!
I tink i was a little like her previously! Esp wen sup was takin care of vivian also! Maybe i behaved e same way! I respect tt perhaps she needs a sense of belonging to a sup! So i'm nt like angry or affected! Bt i'm jus reminded tt she "needs" her sup! So like this morn, i told her to bring her phone & call her sup tho i bad brandon's no also! Yep! I'm nt interested in crossin e boundary to haf him as my sup also! Coz i've absolute faith in MY sup! Nt sure hw my sup will b like, bt jus see luh.. Hehe! If she is nt e kind who will explore feelings in-depth-ly w me or nt interested to haf a super strong supervisor-student bond, nvm lo! Hehe! Tho i'll b upset & envious, bt i can handle de! Heh!
& today i look at marian, den i realised she is like tt coz she values her sup too much! I tink e way i see her sup is perfect! I really will ask him qn i'm uncertain of! Keep askin & askin! Bt wen e session is supposed to end, i wun bu she de & dig qn out to ask! I'm v myself these few days w.o my sup ard actually! Hehe! I'll definitely b more self-conscious wen my sup is back! Bt i really wan her to b back! Haha! I wan my one-to-one supervision! :p heheh! Bt i'll try my best nt to b too reliant on her! & "kan kai" a bit bout formin a close supervisor-student r/s w her! It really depends on her style!
Marian said i ask a lot of qn! I asked if it was bad, she said no! Haha! So i assume i can continue doin so! Jus scared my sup might tink my qn v tt kind of value-judgment qn & no ans kind! Or tink my qn too trivial! Bt no matter wat, luckily it's nt like juju's one! I hope they'll b back on good terms! Or at least a manageable one! Juju doesn't say! I hope she truly isn't tt affected by wat's being said! Coz she said she did establish v clearly tt she didn't not respect her sup at any one time, to her sup! Hehe! So i hope she is copin well!
Yep! Everythin.. E politics, hierarchy, incident this morn, juju's sup's case, marian's "incident"(s) all remindin me of e impt of hierarchical respect! So being super cautious nw! :D hehh! Really hope my sup isn't e v formal kind! Den i can b more at ease w her! Bt no matter wat! Today was a day w so much learnin & reflections! Tho i'm truly tired, i feel energised in a sense! Hehe! I'm sure IMH will promise me loads of learnin opportunities! :D hheh! & tt's wat i told pingping too! :D
I'm ok w marian! Hehe! & lookin forward to nxt wk! Coz mon my sup will b back! & tues can see pingping! :D at last! :D hehehe! Tho nxt wk onwards properly no more honeymoon! :p bt, keep pushin kheng! :D
Kheng! :)
& heard bout julia's sup's comments! Omg! Here really haf hierarchy! So scary! Hehe! Bt i kinda expected it alr! Coz first day come could kinda feel e vibe! Hehe! Bt i'm ok w it! Coz like frm today, i jus feel tt there'll b tonnes of exposure & learning here!! :D hehehe! Hopefully my sup will b patient in processin such stuff w me too! & hopefully b honest w me! So tt i will noe e "reality" & haf deeper exploration!
Felt a little unwell towards e end! Suddenly feel tt e air so suffocating! Den went out for a breather & felt better! Alao dunno was my prob or e air-con's prob! Hehe! Bt i'm fine nw! Jus tt tummy a bit painful! Tt nicole ah, said tt i've a baby! Sot sot! Hahaha! Bt quite fun w them! Startin to get used to nicole & huiwen's styles! Hehe! They actually v sweet! Nt sure if they'll b cursin & swearin behind me or nt! Bt i'm remindin myself bout boundaries! Esp after wat happened this morn!
Yep! This morn! Din sleep at all! Goodness! Tired max! Could totally feel e heaviness of my head! & nw also! & perhaps tt's why my tummy ache & e feelin of stale air jus nw! Heh! Bt, i finished my 4 days of reflection! :D
Bt anw! I'm becomin quite careful nw after hearin wat juju said! I nv wear slippers alr! Hehe! Coz legs no longer ache w my shoes! Hehe! & jus tryin to keep to e rules! Will only break rules after i talk to my sup & she "approves"! Hahaha! Bt will b careful even if she does so as to nt get her into trouble! Bt i really dunno wat's her style like! Izzit brandon or juju's sup? Mus see! Hehe! Jus waitin for her to come back! To ask her things, to settle things, to process things & maybe start doin things also! :p heheh!
After today, i verify tt marian is zaiyi i "sharin" sup w her nw de! Heh! I jus feel tt she is tryin v hard to prove herself! & she is kinda nt v natural w her sup & e other stuff! As in she is tryin to do things! To prove tt she is useful? I feel la! Den w her sup, she is tryin to b friendly w him! Nothin wrong totally! & i tink brandon is e friendly kind! Yep! Bt i jus feel tt she is tryin to seek approval! & liking!
Felt quite "wat e shit" & kinda like backstabbed wen she said "told u" in front of brandon! Coz we were discussin whether e other country side will do things w e client after he is being sent back! I rmb brandon mentionin tt he is in contact w e shelter over there le! So i said there is contact! Bt i also tink it's unlikely they will follow up w them tho i tink it's good! Marian's qn seemed to suggest to me tt she feels work shld b done! I din say here will continue to establish contact w e other side! Bt after brandon said "no." she said, told u! As if e qn came frm me, as if i was e one who insisted work will b done! I didn't! For goodness sake! & my face jus changed! She thot i said coz i got e ans "wrong"! Bt pls!
I tink i was a little like her previously! Esp wen sup was takin care of vivian also! Maybe i behaved e same way! I respect tt perhaps she needs a sense of belonging to a sup! So i'm nt like angry or affected! Bt i'm jus reminded tt she "needs" her sup! So like this morn, i told her to bring her phone & call her sup tho i bad brandon's no also! Yep! I'm nt interested in crossin e boundary to haf him as my sup also! Coz i've absolute faith in MY sup! Nt sure hw my sup will b like, bt jus see luh.. Hehe! If she is nt e kind who will explore feelings in-depth-ly w me or nt interested to haf a super strong supervisor-student bond, nvm lo! Hehe! Tho i'll b upset & envious, bt i can handle de! Heh!
& today i look at marian, den i realised she is like tt coz she values her sup too much! I tink e way i see her sup is perfect! I really will ask him qn i'm uncertain of! Keep askin & askin! Bt wen e session is supposed to end, i wun bu she de & dig qn out to ask! I'm v myself these few days w.o my sup ard actually! Hehe! I'll definitely b more self-conscious wen my sup is back! Bt i really wan her to b back! Haha! I wan my one-to-one supervision! :p heheh! Bt i'll try my best nt to b too reliant on her! & "kan kai" a bit bout formin a close supervisor-student r/s w her! It really depends on her style!
Marian said i ask a lot of qn! I asked if it was bad, she said no! Haha! So i assume i can continue doin so! Jus scared my sup might tink my qn v tt kind of value-judgment qn & no ans kind! Or tink my qn too trivial! Bt no matter wat, luckily it's nt like juju's one! I hope they'll b back on good terms! Or at least a manageable one! Juju doesn't say! I hope she truly isn't tt affected by wat's being said! Coz she said she did establish v clearly tt she didn't not respect her sup at any one time, to her sup! Hehe! So i hope she is copin well!
Yep! Everythin.. E politics, hierarchy, incident this morn, juju's sup's case, marian's "incident"(s) all remindin me of e impt of hierarchical respect! So being super cautious nw! :D hehh! Really hope my sup isn't e v formal kind! Den i can b more at ease w her! Bt no matter wat! Today was a day w so much learnin & reflections! Tho i'm truly tired, i feel energised in a sense! Hehe! I'm sure IMH will promise me loads of learnin opportunities! :D hheh! & tt's wat i told pingping too! :D
I'm ok w marian! Hehe! & lookin forward to nxt wk! Coz mon my sup will b back! & tues can see pingping! :D at last! :D hehehe! Tho nxt wk onwards properly no more honeymoon! :p bt, keep pushin kheng! :D
Kheng! :)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
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Aiyo! Disenfrenchised grief! Upset bt cannot express! Coz is my fault! I tink fiona will lose faith in vivian! Haiz! I wanted to say i hope wen e situation gets unbearable, she will still tell vivian! Coz it's really hard to manage! Haiz! Bt if she cannot take it den will tell ppl, izzit not beneficial for her also? Bt vivian isn't a bad person, she is truly concerned for her! Jus like i'm! Haiz!
Really is 闯祸！& like "fire-fightin"! I'm really sleepy nw! Hopefully e coffee ltr can keep me awake!! :'(
I really wun say to anyone this thing! Nt even pau! Coz really cannot say! I rmb nw! Nv spread ppl's stories! Maybe tt's why xb is always so cautious? Haiz..
Really is 闯祸！& like "fire-fightin"! I'm really sleepy nw! Hopefully e coffee ltr can keep me awake!! :'(
I really wun say to anyone this thing! Nt even pau! Coz really cannot say! I rmb nw! Nv spread ppl's stories! Maybe tt's why xb is always so cautious? Haiz..
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& e punishment for e morning is: no sleep! :( omg! Ltr sure die! :( *cries* bt i deserve it! Haiz!
Omg!
Omg! Really is intense max! Dun need sleep alr! So kaypoh for wat! Go ask fiona! I really out of concern! Omg! I thot fiona is okay w sharing de! It really din strike me as she would mind sharing! Die!
Aiyo! Really is my fault max! Haiz! I can only say i'm sorry! Nxt time mus draw boundaries! & ask b4 relating e info! Even if it's back to e source of e info! Aiyo! Sorry sorry sorry!
See la! Yest gossip! Karma came back immediately! Okay okay! Shalln't gossip anymore!!! Arghh!!! I shld haf jus asked fiona if she was okay! Ask so much for wat! Aiyo!!!
Omg! Now fiona is like confronting vivian! Oh man! Haiz!!
Aiyo! Really is my fault max! Haiz! I can only say i'm sorry! Nxt time mus draw boundaries! & ask b4 relating e info! Even if it's back to e source of e info! Aiyo! Sorry sorry sorry!
See la! Yest gossip! Karma came back immediately! Okay okay! Shalln't gossip anymore!!! Arghh!!! I shld haf jus asked fiona if she was okay! Ask so much for wat! Aiyo!!!
Omg! Now fiona is like confronting vivian! Oh man! Haiz!!
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