spirit of volunteerism

well. starting w this topic so i used it as e title. haha. bt anw writing here coz waiting to harvest plus quite a few thots to jus jot down tho it wun be complete. i guess i mus say tt taiwan trip wasn't tt awesome coz i totally like dun haf much to share or write down. haha. perhaps it's coz i pitched my expectations too high. bt well. i'm still grateful n thankful for e opportunity to go overseas n haf fun n of coz to my sis for planning e trip! haha. at least i'm less a mountain tortise now. perhaps wen i've more time for myself, i wld jot down more thots! haha. n i guess tt's e reason why i cried tt day wen i saw tong. yep. after exams, i had even less time for myself. quite a bit of committment i wld say? yep. n end up i didn't haf much time to really do things i like, so perhaps tt was why i was unhappy? or perhaps tt's sort of pressure? coz i really had quite a strong urge to enjoy my life. i was a little afraid it wld end up like e time after O's, i really dun rmb me myself enjoying those 2 months like nobody's business! haha. like ka, i really think tt spending some time doin nothing is a great feeling! haha. i mean of coz for a while only la, not all e time, if nt i tink i wld really rot! haha. yep.

bt i guess i wun be tt pathetic? at least i hope la. haha. yep. maybe tt day after i was back from taiwan, i didn't feel like watchin tv, spammin comp might be coz i knew i wld haf to stop shortly coz of camp, tt's why i didn't feel like doin it coz i knew e thrill wun be strong. yep. now i'm finding tt urge a bit more, bt i nid time! yep. bt tt's fine, i noe after egg rolls, i wld haf more time for myself! esp wen e rv relief teaching job is not available for me alr. yep.

haha. supposed to start w volunteerism, end up talkin bout sth else. bt yep. here i go. was dreading tmr's gift wrapping, coz obviously i dunno e AJ ppl, n i guess they r a little exclusive? at least e few which tard said hi to tt day during training. yep. jus hope tt e few we working w tmr wun be like this? hehe. yep. n also coz of e time consumed n e distance, tt's why i didn't really feel like gng. n wat made it worse is tt tard isn't gng, i nid her to teach me n guide me on how to wrap lo. bt coz of work, she got ancestor to replace. haha. let's hope e ppl there wld guide us along n nt leave us to die! later or tmr morn i gng revise coz i really can't rmb much! haha. yep. n by right, i shld be more comfortable w ancestor de, bt tt sms-thread w ancestor tt day really brot back e feeling after prelims i tink, i felt tt ancestor wasn't v interested in like hanging out w me. perhaps it's jus me being sensitive, bt well. i still had tt feeling. n tho we did agree upon telling each other shld we haf an issue w each other, it's still nt tt easy to go straight at ancestor's face n ask her whether does she haf an issue w me. i mean wen u noe tt it's peaceful, of coz u can ask, bt if u feel e storm coming, wld u still haf tt equal courage? dun say ancestor, even if it's tong, i might still hesitate.

yep.

bt well, jus now ancestor's reply was quite a good sign? haha. let's hope tmr wun be awkward. yep. n back to e topic on volunteerism. yep i was dreading n jus nw e channel 8 show "xing1 qing da(used to be zong) dong4 yuan2, i saw e volunteers working n more importantly, i guess i saw results coz they were helping to clean e house. yep. n tt reminded me of e purpose of me attending the gift wrapping tmr. i could still rmb how eagerly i agreed wen tard told me bout it! yep. so i kinda felt better, less dreadful. n of coz b4 tt, i comforted myself w e "time flies, be it good or bad times!" phrase tt i've really experienced n bore testimony to! haha. yep. wah. chim sia. haha. yep. n i was thinkin bout e show. i guess tt's e kind of social worker that i wan to be. i mean nt a cleaner la. bt i wan to see results. no nid to be immediate, bt i hope to see it. n i guess i nid motivation, so e results cannot come in like ten years time. yep. bt again i thot, yep, e volunteers managed to clean up e house for the family, bt it's only short-term, how bout in e long-term? n i realised tt money/income is e long-term thing tt ppl most prob nid. yep. so tmr's program shld be rather meaningful. haha. n of coz i tried to calm myself down by thinkin of e small crowd tt wld come/appear tmr since my shift is in e day n it's a weekday tho it's still 3 days b4 christmas! haha. yep. see how la. i'm there to help! so how can i pray for a small crowd? haha. i shld pray tt i learn e techniques well n convince ppl hard tmr!haha. yep.

n tt's was i wan to talk bout spirit of volunteerism. yep. another is on gift. yep. this time round gift camp's really quite good. i tink on e whole, it's better than last year's. n i also didn't feel as lonely/neglected/out as i worried for b4 i went for it. yep. thots on it perhaps i wld share on my public blog, in hope tt e juniors wld see, n of coz w kish since she was thinkin of having lunch/dinner 1 day, tgt w yaonian n org gang to talk n reflect on it. yep yep. somehow, i tink i'm getting more open now. n i really learnt a v strong lesson from e doodling activity from camp. think kish also noes tt tt lesson/impact is sth tt i nid in order to be less "skeptical". i mean i dun tink i'm skeptical, it's jus tt my expectations r high, n i dun really map it out for e juniors n yep, tt's why i feel disappointed. yep. if i've time, i'll talk bout it. yep. i mean on e lesson learnt. haha. dun nid talk bout e disappointment part le. coz i spam-ed b4 i went camp tt day n i believed thru these 2years. haha. more of this year coz it became a prob coz it's why i lectured e juniors on e 1st day of this term n made me build a barrier there. yep. tho v much might be only me thinking too much n e barrier perhaps alr came b4 tt lecture. yep.

bt nw other things to share. wat leh? haha. oh ya, yest went to eat dinner w ka after camp. haha. yep. talked bout our trips. i mean her vietnam CIP n my maldives CIP trip. coz this time's taiwan trip is a leisure trip! yep. of coz i wanted to talk bout gift camp since it jus took place bt i guessed talkin bout e trips wld be more relevant for her. yep. n i wanted to tell her bout peilin(later continue) bt i didn't coz i felt tt i bitched enough bout someone else thru-out the camp already n i shld stop so tt i wun add on to e karma tt is prob coming my way already. hehe. yep. bt i really didn't mean to bitch, i mean bitch to me contains e element of tryin to smear someone's reputation or at least u really dun like tt person. bt it's nt e case for me(perhaps i'm jus tryin to defend myself n nt admit to my mistakes jus like any other human being wld?) coz i kinda spread coz i dun wan to keep anythin frm tong n tard coz they're my good frens n i tink tt e feeling of ur good fren nt sharing sth w u sucks! yep. so yest i also kept askin ka whether she wanted to noe bout it or nt. yep. bt i still consider it bitchin coz i'm sure by gossiping, tt wld change tong n tard's impression of e subject of interest(term thot up by yaonian:P) n i could actually nt say de. i mean after tt wen they're talkin bout it, i can jus keep my mouth shut n walk away, bt i didn't. so i said tt i was bitchin. yep. n i did sth wrong. bt well, i still continued! hehe. yep. i wld try to minimise from now on, bt it's like common topic for us ma. bt i guess it's still wrong to build my happiness on someone else's unhappiness tho tt person might not noe/might nt mind. bt i guess i shldn't do it still.

thinkin of e poster from camp on e "..... do it anyway", it contained a number of sentences, all of e same structure. it's jus bout tt watever good things u might do, u might face obstacles or be viewed skeptically by others, bt do it anyway. for eg, "wen u use years to build up an empire, others might destroy it overnight, build anyway" n e one tt struck my cord was e "e good tt u do to others today, they might forget it tmr. do good anyway." i dun rmb e exact wordings, bt gist is there. yep. tt's kinda my zuo4 you4 ming, n tt's my response wenever ppl ask me why can i be so nice/kind. hehe. nt tryin to praise myself, bt jus wat i really tink.

yep. i shld rmb this "do it anyway" thing n use it in its reverse too. like my gossips might not hurt, but do not gossip anyway. yep.

yep. she did bot me souvenior from vietnam, so quite happy. yep. no longer upset over her bein closer to norine. yep. bt tong is still my best buddy nw. yep. of coz ka wld remain my good buddy as always still. yep.

n today went out w baby, fatest pig n xinru. haha. went to play badminton bt i became so lazy n jus stood there,waiting for shuttle. haha. baby bot more stuff for aq, bt i wasn't really v upset coz they're closer n it's jus like i bot quite a bit of stuff for tong also. hehe. yep. n at mac hargao didn't wan baby to say out her secrets, i tink was bout her ex-bf, n she has shared tt time wen they went steamboat n was kinda a pangseh on my side, bt i didn't feel too upset also. coz honestly, tho i like hanging out w them n i really treat them as rather good frens, i'm still fine w not knowing too much bout them coz we haven't reach tt kind of buddy stage, whereas tt day wen i heard ancestor say tt she has long knew gibson had a new gf, i was rather upset. it's nt bout gibson. bt tt ancestor could hide sth so well from me, perhaps i'm jus too naive. i thot she wld tell me bout everythin. yep.

n talkin bout naive, i guess i'm really still quite protected n unaware of e world outside. i mean i heard of it n haf always prepared myself for it, bt i see frm sec to JC, e ppl ard me r all nice ppl leh. i tink of ppl like fangyi. scheming?! so i tink i slowly went to believe tt i'm quite lucky n tt actually e ppl ard me r all nice n simple. until tt day at camp wen ai-yi-da(dunno why, dun feel like writing her name out. scared my blog gets exposed? hehe. yep.) came n she talked bout her life, her bf in manchester. i didn't knew she has gone over to manchester to study early this year/last year. yep. ever since tt time tt incident long time back, forgot wat she, pl n se talked bout me n she read my sms, i've nv been able to give her my trust fully. n we def drifted apart n i believe she noes it tho i try to deny it out of my life. yep. many things happened in her life from e period since we kinda fall out(it's rather a 1-sided thing coz i jus tried to minimise contact w her). n i mus say tt she really doesn't haf a smooth-sailing life, or even 1 w lesser hiccups. bt i jus can't bring myself to empathise w her. e things tt happened then haf left a v strong impact. i've became ok w se n pl bt jus nt w her. was it e hp incident tt amplified e prob? or izzit tt right frm e start, our friendship wasn't built on strong foundations. bu guo he ta de zhe duan you yi shi shao shu zhong de qi zhong yi ge wo bu jue de yi han de. i wrote e above sentence in chinese nt coz i feel guilty tt i'm bitching(in my stds, it isn't considered bitchin coz this blog is supposed to be private), nt tt i feel paiseh or anythin, bt jus tt i tink it's quite hurting if this blog ever gets exposed n she reads it. tho i tink by writing e previous sentence, i've defeated e purpose of me writing in chinese. lol. yep. how she leads her life i've no comments, coz i haven't been thru as much as her n there's this v strong possibility tt it's coz of her screwed up life tt's why she's living her life this way, bt all i can say is, it's def nt my style, at least for now. yep.

n actually alfred seemed rather agreeable to wat ai-yi-da said, n wb n tong n munkei didn't say much. so i started to feel tt i seem to be e only one tt's still living w v traditional thots n still unaware of e dangers out there. or rather i know it, jus tt i still naive-ly believe tt i'll 4ever meet nice n sweet ppl. yep. i shall ask tong wen i see her this coming week.whether was she jus tryin to keep silent n nt say out wat's on her mind, n if her silence was a sign of approval.

yep. bt wat struck me more was prob wat she said tt she n pl r coming back coz they dun wan their past efforts to be wasted. they can't really take it tt e juniors nw dunno them. n wat testimonial tt they wan to get. i hope i misinterpretated it. or perhaps ai-yi-da meant it as a joke, or they said it in a fit of the moment. coz i really dun like e motivation tt they're coming back for.

i mean i understand fully how they feel, n tt's one of few reasons why i've stayed on in gift all these while. coz i really tink tt gift belongs to me, i mean nt only to me, bt gift belongs to me, so i really do nt wish to see it slip out of my hands n one day i've to come back to be treated as a stranger. yep. n perhaps they left coz of many many reasons, might be forced n stuff n they wld really like to return to this program which they feel belong to them. i mean i'm in no position to judge, bt these r jus my feelings. yep. i jus feel frm ai-yi's tone tt they wan to return to regain control n i'm quite adverse to tt idea coz i dun tink tt kind of environment is healthy for gift. yep.

bt perhaps i'm jus thinkin too much coz afterall, e nxt day, ai-da left in e afternoon n didn't stay on to make her plans succeed? haha. yep. i still rmb tt time she returned on sat session. i knew tt my presence in gift all these while is a little intimidating coz of e bonds i've forged n also tt respect tt i've gotten from e juniors, so i was thinking n in fact a little worrying tt my presence might deter her from coming, i mean i dun wan to ba4 zhan4 gift too much. yep. n nt tryin to make myself sound noble, bt i was prepared to nt appear if she came back often enuff. tho i dun agree w her way of giving comments n interacting w e juniors, coz it's a little top-down. yep.

n tt morn wen we were sharing bout e quotes, i guessed wat i heard was suan-ing? she said sth like "e seniors haf all let go n stopped worrying except for khenghwee". it might seem like a praise tt i stay committed to gift bt i do get e feeling tt she thinks i'm a threat to her or sth. m i thinking too much? is this instinct/gut feeling or a product of my baggage from tt kind n e strong desire to protect myself? n i mus admit tt she's a bit of a threat to me coz she's also v close to pl n se back den. jus like hw sianglin was one also coz victor papa thot v well of her. bt of coz it's no longer e case now. n even back den, coz i got to noe her better n i really think she's nice. jus tt now i'm no longer close to her or victor. yep. e threat ai-da pose to me is also no longer there coz i'm no longer close to her nor pl n se. yep. bt perhaps e threat has fostered a v bad(shld i use this?) impresssion of her in me tt built up all other stuff n e feeling i've towards her today. yep.

i'm ok w her being close to e other seniors. n in fact i'm fine w her coming back too. coz i really tink tt my position in gift is strong enuff already, n w e quite nt close r/s i've w this newest batch, i've kinda see thru a little n is fine w nt being tt impt in gift le. so long as i see my kids n continue to stay close to those few tt i wan to, like nadiah, yaonian, andala n of coz meiying n gang. yep. n kish jus loves me as dearly as she has always, so there's nth for me to fear n nth to "compete" for also. haha.

yep. spirit of volunteerism. stay faithful n committed to gift. jus think for n of e program. e others shld be secondary. i'm sayin this as in to convey e point tt i wld put gift in front of everythin else. haha. yep.

bt anyway, tt day wen pl came back, actually i was really quite happy. as in she talked to me of coz! n pl is really a v fun person to be w. n e way she laughs is still like e past n it really reminds me of e past alot. yep. n i thot this wld be like once in a v long while b4 i wld see her n wen she said take picture, i really gladly took it to keep as momento. yep. wld be great if she can come back, tho i really hope nt for e reason which ai-yi-da said n in e way i interpretated it n i hope tt it wun change gift into a top-down. yep. bt anyway, other things apart, i really like being w pl. today was still thinkin of e past n was kinda comparin pl n se. oops. if se sees this like 3years back, she wld be quite upset i believe coz she told me b4 everyone always compare her w pl n she's always e lousier one. yep. bt anw i dun think she wld see this.

pl is a more fun person to be w, bt she's rather unpredictable. i can still rmb tt kind of feeling she gave me wen i used to see her in sch. it's like she can't wait to get away frm me, n it's totally diff frm her in gift. yep. n se is diff, she's tt kind of really will stay nice to u de, bt i guess we've really drifted apart so much n no longer tt close n i've nth to say to her. or rather if i start talkin to her n vomitting all my troubles, i'm nt sure if she'll like it. bt i dun think she wld tell me bout stuff as she did in e past. i mean it's nobody's fault coz we r in diff schs n busy w our own lives, tho we could haf easily stayed in regular touch if we did bother. yep.

n well. pl jus sms-ed jus nw n she said tt she wld like to catch up after she's back frm hongkong n asked me if i wanted anything. haha. yep. i'm really glad coz i cherish our friendship. yep. i really hope tt there's no other motive behind it n i shall be naive n believe so until it proves to be nt e case. yep. hehe.

n yest talked bout e pl, ka n me got stuck in e tj building n couldn't come down frm e 2nd floor n victor papa kinda saved us incident. i really miss e past. yep. n miss talkin to victor like e past. of coz nw i dun tink i can bring myself to call him "victor papa" as dearly as i/we used to in e past, bt wenever i see him, i do n i feel tt he does to, have tt kind of we've alot to say to each other bt we nid to rebuild our bond or break e ice first b4 we can. yep. n jus quite happy to see him tt day at camp. i dunno wat was gng on b/w him n kish n b/w mrs t, whether it involved pl. n also whether e reasons jovine left was as wat kish made out to be. all i noe is tt after this camp, i've regained confidence in both kish n victor. i wld v much wan to rmb gift's hist selectively n retain only e best.

"ji4 yi4 you xian4, suo yi ta1 hui tao tai4 huai4 de" as it is in liangwenyin's "ku1 guo4 jiu4 hao le4" song.

yep. i guess this is my greatest reward from this camp ba. yep(:

kk. gotta slp. i've to prep for tmr's gift wrapping n for e stay at my uncle's house! yep.

kheng(:
22/12/09