thoughts...

well. quite a no of things on my mind. hmm. tt sat night tt jus passed was quite horrendous. my siblings teasin bout my fattiness was really gettin onto my nerves. it's kind of like hurting coz of my sis's description n my bro's right frm e bottom of e heart kind of laughter. yep. n still had to complete tt online maths quiz. man! horrendous! yep. n i went to slp feelin quite sore. e nxt day i guess it was e joking kind of sarcasam bout me n my cousin copying them to be fans of mayday while laughin at them initially. hmm. well. wat's on my mind was it's my bro was psyco-ing me tt mayday's concert is really worth e watch n stuff. n nw he's back suanin me? hmm. well. it jus didn't feel tt good. n i was tryin to pretend tt i was okay. until i got a little sick of it. so i jus showed my sian face. n after tt they were laughin at my fattyness again. n my face was jus e same. jus tt i started off w a black one. so they thot i was affected by their 2nd comment. n again. i felt damn sian.

sian like e way ancestor feels wen her friend pushes her fren away "to" tingsoon n sort of like really pushes her away den e kind of sianness she feels. same for mine. perhaps really angry ba. well. can't say tt they were exaggeratin coz i'm really fat. bt jus kind of like hurt. it's really ego being hurt. i can't understand hw can it be like "we're only jokin" as my sis says. i noe i do laugh like this too. bt i guess b4 this, we always laugh BEHIND ppl's backs, nt right in front of ppl? dunno if it's equally horrendous to others, bt at least nt to me. yep. n perhaps i really do laugh at e bottom of my heart too wen i laugh at my siblings ba. yep. bt well. tt kind of HURT really taught me nt to forget e level of sensitivity i shld haf wen i joke n nt take it for granted tt coz we're in this laughin-at-each-other culture den i can jus forget bout ppl's feelings, pride n ego. yep.

n it's kind of like they dun understand me kind of feelin wen they think i'm bein petty n gettin angry over their comments. perhaps i'm really feelin petty, bt bein such an egoistic person, i jus dun think i was angry over their comments. e thin line perhaps only draws at e diff b/w feelin hurt over their insensitive laughin n angry over them making mean comments bout me ba. yep. perhaps i do tt too. bt i guess i can only learn to be more sensitive towards others. yep.

n i also dunno. i think everythin needs a balance. think i was hangin out far too much w my sis last week. n perhaps coz of e laughin thing ba. so i got kinda of dunno wat to say to her yest. until we went runnin tgt. n i saw tt she really wanted to help me slim down n she's makin e effort to wait for me n even walk back w me. yep. n we r okay nw(: plus i wld be gng out these few nights, so there's e kind of nt being tgt day n night n facin each other. yep. bt again, i've learnt e lesson of strikin a balance. yep. n tho i've known this since long time back, this is kind of e 1st time i've learnt it on my sis, n it's kind of like "eh..didn't noe it's so even b/w family ppl. even b/w ppl who're e closest." yep. perhaps it's coz this is e first time we ever got so close ba. bt yep. impt lesson learnt(:

balance!:D

yep. n also dunno whether was it oversensitivity, bt i jus gt e feelin tt my sis was tellin me quite a bit of stuff coz she was kind of havin a small tiff w my bro , yep. it's nt bein petty or anythin. or being jealous. bt it's kind of instinct kind of feel. bt i'm quite okay w it. coz it's always been tt they're closer, n i'm really quite okay w tt. coz i've friends to back me up wen i need n my family isn't everythin to me yet. haha. yep. n tt nite wen they kind of reconciled, i was so happy. really is jia1 he2 wan4 shi4 xing1(:

yep. n now bout other stuff. doin facebook quiz now bout how many real friends do u've. i guess i wld only haf 1 or 2. bt i guess it's e brainwashin(bt accordin to miss oon. if u're brainwashed, u wun be sayin u're being brainwashed, which i agree!:P haha) frm my siblings tt is tellin me tt it's norm to only haf 1 or 2 really good friends. n i'm kind of like fine w it too(: haha. really is a few is enough. coz it's like wat mdm chia jus said jus nw, do unto others wat u wld like others to do unto u. yep. so i wld my friends to treat me like a princess n be really nice to me. i guess it sucks wen ur buddy has so many other buddies to attend to in a big grp gatherin or tt kind of stuff. dun really need a big grp, jus nid jus nw tt situation. norine, ka, tong n qm are all quite close friends w me. n other than qm, all 3 of them are really close to me. n tong doesn't really noe norine well. n if i kept talkin to ka n qm, think e 2 of them wun really feel tt comfortable? haha. bt well. arts students haf a way of gettin themselves comfortable, n we were really thrown into tt kind of situation coz we were all quite close n adaptable to one another?(: haha. yep.

anw. 1 of e quiz's questions:
How many friends do you feel comfortable calling to chat at 2am at night when you need someone to chat with?

n i chose 3. i was thinkin of tong, ancestor n anqi. tho anqi is nt tt close to me. bt i jus feel tt she's tt kind of gan1 dan3 xiang1 zhao4 kind of friend. really is brave e fires n go into oil pots tgt? haha. direct chinese translation:P hehee. yep. now i think i shld haf put 4 coz of fy.

it's nt tt i aren't close to ka. bt it's tt tho i'm really close to her, she's nt 1 of those tt i wld pour my woes too. coz she isn't e type of ideal listener tt i like n wan. yep. bt based on jus nw's conversation. i think n shld be confident enough to say tt 10years down e road, we wld still be able to talk n feel comfortable coz we jus haf tt bond established to talk bout deep stuff n share views n ideals n stuff. we comment bout how things r happenin around us n hw ppl overeact, hw practical e society is n stuff. n nt bout random,stupid n (kind of mean to say this, bt..) shallow stuff. bt again. i guess i've said b4, tho stalker n i dun talk bout serious or really deep stuff. bt i jus think tt we're close. n of coz i hope tt we can be this close for many years to come:P haha. yep.

yep. kind of tired. bt it's nt 12am yet. gotta wish mdm chia happy b-dae first. n i wan to finish bloggin, rare tt i wan to blog. haha. yep. or rather haf e determination n privacy to be bloggin:P hehehe.

yep. n i was jus thinkin it's like so zhun. coz tt time i was thinkin. i realised anqi, ancestor n tong noe e most of wat's happenin to my life nw. n they r e 3 tt i wun feel uncomfortable callin out to at 3am:P haha. yep. fy's also tt kind of fren like aq. bt she's busy w her ** n we jus got close on a clique basis, so it's still kind of weird for us to be out alone esp wen she's still v in touch w yj. yep. nt complainin or anythin. really got past tt big time(: haha. nt long time back tho:P haha.

oh man. e facebook result says i've 12. haha. maybe true. let me try countin. think pai ming bu fen xian hou? haha.

tong
ka
norine
ancestor
fangyi
anqi
fann(haha. hers is a bit similar to mat n valerie, bt coz we still got some kind of contact:P hehe)

7 only:P hehee. those nt bad de:
matilda (was hesistatin whether to put her up there anot. haha)
valerie(haha. same as matilda, think too long nv see each other le. so kind of..)
qimin
chenghui
yingjie
fanghui
karen(tho nt close, we're true in being friends w each other)

haha. in total got 12 wor. haha. yep yep(: hehee. bt perhaps qm n mama king shldn't be in e list. haha. mama king is in coz yj is in. n it's like we're true to each other. jus dun think we'll last. haha. yep. yj got slightly higher chance:P hehee. den stalker is super true n i really adore her companionship, bt think we still haven't reach tt level yet. same for hotdog baby(haha:P yuck:P). n halal ham is i really dun think we'll last. bt i think quite mean n sounds like backstabbin her tho i dun mean it n can't mean it since this blog is private, bt in case. so i still put e nickname instead of e real one:P hee.

yep.bout there la. haha.

yep. anw went mdm chia's hs jus nw. coz it's like a grp of us. so e atmosphere is v comfortable. esp wen we noe each other well. so nothin to hide or be shy bout. plus got qm e entertainer. really made e visit v fun n nice(: haha. n little kayden was SOOOOO cute! hahaha. jus a pity till e end he still didn't like came to us n still went to mdm chia only. haha. yep. bt he's really cute n all our attention was on him. haha. wonder wen will we go mrs lai's house again. haha. waiting to see grace:P hehee. yep.

n it's really nice talkin to mdm chia coz she's maturity of though, she really cares, n she really shared n she could give us advice. yep. so it's really a nice trip(: haha.

n it's def better than e previous time where i was feelin bitter coz of ka n bear? haha. i guess shld be them ba. or some things tt happened somewhere tt made me feel tt i'm quite distant frm bear or ka or watever. yep. n i'm glad i've gotten over many kind of stuff.

no 1 being ka n norine. jus nw b4 tong came. i finally knew why i felt v uncomfortable wen we go for OC outings. it's nt bout ka n bear talkin non-stop bout HC stuff bt hw exclusive e way they engage each other. coz it's like they were jus talkin to each other n it felt tt qm n i totally didn't exist, so it's kind of like.. erm.. so i jus walked away coz i hate e feelin of 2nd class citizen. yep. haha. maybe nt so serious. bt.. yep. haha.

n den at subway, halfway i got kind of sian coz i couldn't hear wat qm was sayin wen she tilted her head towards tong's side n i totally dunno e gossip stuff they were talkin bout. so i jus stoned. haha. bt it's okay. coz i knew tt wen tong is there. i def wld feel taken care of! haha. coz tong is e fren who treated me like a princess:P hehee. i'm jus afraid tt one day i wld take her for granted. oops. haha. yep.

n i was also afraid tt bear wld think tt nw tt i've tong, i've kicked her aside coz my wallpaper is tong n me. n wen we were walkin to e busstop, i was "clinging" on to tong n talkin to her only. haha. yep. nt deliberate i dare say. n nt meant to spite them or anythin. yep. n i dun worry bout ka feelin uneasy coz i think it's either bear is as impt as me nw, or more impt than me. or she doesn't even bother to think bout it which implies tt she doesn't mind whether i treat her more impt-ly or tong more impt-ly. yep. bt i noe bear minds a little teeny weeny bit? haha. yep. bt well. i didn't ignore her. she's still my good fren n we still care bout each other(: haha. yep.

n i guess i've sort of like fang4 xia4 le. e fact tt bear is v close to ka now. haha. maybe coz i also haf a closer tong nw. yep. it's def nt substitutional coz they are diff ppl. bt perhaps substitutional in e sense tt i noe i also haf a buddy tt cares. n tong is def v v impt to me. nt coz she makes me feel better in front of ka n bear. bt jus special for who she is. n hw she zhen1 xin1 dui4 dai4s all her friend, includin me(: yep. n i really appreciate her. if nt i wun be showering her w so many letters, notes, fruits, gifts n b-dae surprises!:P haha. yep.

n yep. w tt bitter feelin gone. of coz i wld be happier. it's e same for fy they all. n i guess e same for tong too. jus nw wen i heard tt she's gng to haf soccer sleepover. at first i felt worried for her, coz she also hasn't started muggin. n she's again spendin alot of time out. yep. n she's v close to her soccer mates too la. yep. bt after a while, i learnt tt i need to let go. n i felt okay. haha.no longer feelin bitter again bout nt doin many things w her, like slpover, drinking for e 1st time n stuff. i dunno hw impt a fren i'm to her. i jus noe tt i'm impt. bt i've no idea how impt coz she has many friends. n while it's true tt she spends time w me, she spends time w her other friends too. n coz she' busy, she doesn't shower me w e gifts i shower her w, so it's like it's nt tt clear cut. yep. bt i'm v certain it's friendship tt i'm talkin about. haha. nt love for sure. haha. i still think tt e dream i had 2nights back bout tt caucasian(? spell?) is v sweet n nice! haha. jus tt e feelin of love is nt there. haha. bt at least it's cool? haha. yep.

anw. yep. so i no longer felt sore. as long as wen i need tong, she's there. i'm shld be satisfied n i'm satisfied. n i've no idea nor any control over wat will happen in e future. i jus hope tt we'll really remain friends for life. n of coz i still hope tt she can be bridesmaid:P haha. yep. nw tt gor is talkin bout marriage n proposal stuff. i'm startin to fantasize bout mine too!:P haha. hehee.

yep. n tho tong can't give me tt 100% security nor assurance, at least i dun feel as uncertain as i feel towards ka. n i guess i'm jus someone who needs a lot of both security n assurance. yep. n wen ppl can't give me tt, i guess i can only say i wld think a lot n feel quite disheartened quite easily. yep. jus like ka n bear r gng library to mug. perhaps it's hard to get me out. or tt they're afraid tt i wld be busy. or tt previously they've been muggin w their HC frens. i dunno wat's e reason. bt e fact tt ka jus shun4 kou asked me jus nw whether i wanted to join them jus makes me feel "erm" n e more i wun wan to join them. n even if they asked me right frm e start, i guess i still wun go. esp after today wen i've affirmed why do i feel "out" wen i'm out w them. haha. i like to play w words!:P haha. yep.

bt at least jus nw wen she asked me, i didn't feel sore tt it's a now then ask and/or shun kou ask thingy. yep. n i didn't bother to find reasons/excuses for her. or rather for me to feel safe n certain. yep. so it's like GREAT? haha.

n i dunno. maybe it's this easily lose faith or e desperate need for assurance tt's why it's destined tt ka wld be/is closer to norine. i dunno. maybe she wld feel quite sad/disappointed after seein this post. i dun think she'll feel remorseful or upset or think tt she hasn't been a good fren. perhaps she wun "blame" me for nt havin faith. i jus think tt she wld think it's nt within her control wat i think. n maybe feel great tt i've tong by my side? haha.

watever e case. jus appreciate wat i've. n take pleasure for it. whether it's tong being my bestest buddy tho many a times, she's jus so busy w her life.

or whether izzit e ka tt i feel tt i've "lost" as my bestest buddy n is closer to norine nw.

yep. jus take pleasure w e fact tt i still haf my bestest buddy n ka n i r still far frm becoming normal friends:P hahaha. yep.

n be thankful tt i still haf 10 other good friends? haha. yep.

i'm still happy w today's outin to mdm chia's house!:D haha.

n glad tt i finally see bear.
n glad tt i still haf ka. n thankful for havin her as my greatest buddy!:D
n mus say tt i really love tong alot!:D haha. (i jus insist on puttin tong last on my list:P i noe it's kind of you4 zhi4. hehe. bt i'm nt bein zuo4 zuo4 coz this is meant for my own viewing n keepin as momento pleasure. nt for any other ppl to view. unless i'm dead. n note. i'm nt showin signs of suicide-intention. hahaha.

yep.

kheng(:
09-06-09