ages..

kheng really hasn't been bloggin for ages.. haf super packed schedules n honestly wen i've time to come back home n rest after work, i chiong them all on farmville! haha.. yep. n i dun get to relax. so i feel very tired mentally. like v busy. like for eg, nxt week supposed to haf b-dae celebrations, end up seems like i can't even fit any in except for e one w tong tt i've already reserved long time back n e dinner w family, i jus assumed they'll be home to celebrate w me. bt nw realised maybe gor might haf class n jie tuition. bt it's ok. i will take e time to rest at home n spend some proper time relaxing at home n maybe spend w mummy if gor n jie aren't home. yep.

hmm. today shalln't blog so much bout feelings. jus go straight to e point.. coz my target is to slp at 2am. haha.

ok went out w hargao they all today to post-celebrate for hargao.. aiyo. coz hargao said celebrate my b-dae as well.. so i was expecting some cake or sth.. in e end nv even buy cake for hargao. nvm. i'll draw in a cake for her as well on her b-dae card.. haha.

quite long since i've like had a gathering... tho recently did meet up w ancestor n tong. actually tt time did go to mdm chia's hs. bt feels like it's very long time back:P haha. n enjoyed myself of coz. haha. crapping n laughin n bull-shitting n doin a bit of e nonsense. i joined quite late coz of tuition.

today i squeezed in 5 things in a day man! morn went back to fusion to lend rameesah $ to top up ez-link to go hm. den went for YLC discussion.den gift. den tuition. den gathering. wah. tink i've nv done so many things in 1 day b4! haha. all diff, diff ppl, diff agenda, diff purpose n diff intensity level! hahah.

this morn, wah damn sian, my phone call woke me up. n i saw e sms style n i kinda felt tt it's nth good n likely to be rameesah. in e end really spot on. n quite disappointed tt liyana couldn't help me again. so no choice, i didn't wan to ask frm liya they all. so i headed back. bt i didn't go in.. so i met rameesah at bus stop. damn sian. off day still haf 2 go back. n e heavy rain made me quite wet. argh.

to be v honest, i actually feel quite bothered by rameesah's incidents.. it's nt bout e money.. tho i'm gettin myself more n more prepared to nt get back e money.. bt it's like i dun haf e energy to entertain her stuff. tho better time management n more pro-activeness can change things. n i've to say i'm nt in a very bad state, considering wat stalker told me bout wenxin's mum n her fren's situation.. n of coz ben's situation n also rameesah's case.. jus tt i also do feel tired. i need my breaks n stuff. e A* guy thing, actually i no longer haf interest to listen. right frm e start, i was only interested in helpin her solve e problem. bt maybe i wasn't firm enuff, she didn't heed my advice.. n i really cannot understand nor accept why does she even wan to waste her prepaid card's value to entertain tt guy.. bt luckily nw she has at least talked less bout e guy. coz my patience is kinda running out..

n baby said it's impossible tt her whole family didn't eat for days.. izzit tt i've nv been thru it n dun understand hw determination can help ppl pull through? or izzit jus tt rameesah exaggerated? maybe they had biscuits? bt i jus haf a v weird feeling. for liyana, i noe v well it's her spending habits tt's giving her all e issues nw. n by nt advising her(doin e popular thing, n nt e right thing given victor's quote today), i guess i'm nt helpin her. bt i've stopped lending her money, i jus hope tt she wun come to me anymore coz i wun noe how to do e right thing or rather i didn't set it right at e start, so it's a little hard for me to tune back nw. n i need frens at work.. n i dun really noe hw to be hen3.. so it's a little difficult..

bt back to rameesah, i dunno. i dun tink she lied 2 me coz she isn't conning me a lot of money like at a go.. n i saw her pay slip today.. jus tt i feel tt she's still being quite normal given her condition. i mean like wat hargao said also, i can't expect her to be weeping n stuff, bt i dun understand hw she can still be so positive n look like nothin has happened. n if she's really tt strong, she wun haf complained in tt tone to me. i mean e way she spoke does reflect her character, which in my opinion, isn't e very strong type. nt weak either of coz.. bt there're too many qn.. why was she using another no jus nw? why can she still speak to ppl on her phone line as if it's nt an issue, or m i e only 1 she can talk to? n if she's really so pathetic, why dun she ask her grandpa for help? n wat's wrong w her mum? starvin n still refuse help? n why can she still put make-up b4 comin to work? n y on earth did she sms to my sis jus nw? n hw can she possibly still sms to my no n ask for my no? i dunno. i dun feel like probing further. i dun haf as much a strong feelin tt she's cheatin my $ as compared to her being a little bit weird.. to put it more bluntly, i did think of e posibility tt she might haf a screw loose..

i guess if she sees this, she might feel v upset. she might treat me as a v good fren for helpin her tide thru this. bt i can only v straightly, bluntly say tt this isn't mutual. ppl say tt u mus be good frens to be willin 2 help, bt it's different frm me. i shldn't say i dunno how to reject ppl bt it's jus tt i dun wan to reject ppl coz i noe i'll feel bad.. so it's like i'm only willin to lend rameesah financial support bt nt mental support coz i'm gettin more n more tired.. maybe she doesn't noe hw, bt i feel tt she's nt tackling e root of e problem.. n it's kinda gettin a little on my nerves. it's nt bout e money i can say again.. bt it's like i've to be there for her.. bt i'm exactly v willing..

coz e problem is e same.. n i feel tt she isn't doin enuff to solve e prob. it's her prob eh, nt mine, bt i'm thinkin for her. i mean of coz i'll benefit frm this process.. bt.. yep.. my hp bills need money.. it's nt tt i'm so free n so rich to be able to call her anytime she needs.. it's already to e extent whereby i feel quite sian wen i c her call/sms.. i didn't expect all these wen i first talked to her n stuff.. i dunno hw to phrase it.. it's nt coz of e help she needs frm me, bt maybe her way of handling it tt i really cannot fully comprehend n our friendship wasn't even strong enuff in e 1st place for me to be able/willing to be there mentally for her as well..

n of coz ppl jus keep tellin me nt to be an idiot to help n stuff.. maybe e super kind souls out there wun doubt her at all if they were in my shoes bt i dare say, w.o shame tt i tink i've done more than wat a fren shld do.. if her cisco colleagues can say no money/pretend they nv hear anythin, i dun tink i'm tt mean rite? i mean i'm only 19 eh, tho i dun need e money to keep myself alive, bt tt's e $ tt i earned w my own hands eh.. i've no obligation to help her. so wat if i'm kinder than most ppl? it doesn't mean tt if i dun help, i'm evil..

yep.. i dunno. maybe she would feel v heart-aching if she were to see this.. tt all along she thot i'm on her side given how much help i've rendered her, maybe she would rather she haf never asked of any help frm me. bt i'm nt like humiliating her here coz i tink i've helped her n i've e right/am big enuff to be bitching bout her.. i'm sayin all these coz i've my preferences of my frens.. if i dun help her, would her impression of me been better? no right? maybe it's more humiliating if tt person helped u n bitched bout u behind ur back.. bt all i can say is jus tt, i dun deserve ur friendship.. n to be really mean.. i dun tink tt's a huge loss to me. maybe there'll be karma? bt i'm still gng to post this post. maybe 1 day i'll delete. bt wait till tt day comes ba. maybe it'll be too late to regret then.. bt tt's nt somethin i can foresee now..

m i more scary? it's like ppl tink tt by helpin them, i actually trust them n stuff. n wat makes it worse is tt i dun ask qn/give them deadlines/pester them back for e money.. bt actually in my heart, behind all e conversations n stuff.. actually tt's jus hw little i trust them.. i mean it's like e others, even if they lend me money, u can c tt their faces really change wen $ is brought into e picture, n even gor is v firm in gettin his fren to return him e $.. bt i like never even mention at all. in a sense i dun even give them reminders/warnings, n wen i erupt, it's like yi1 fa1 bu4 ke shou1 shi4.. yep.. i tink e lack of warning is wat makes me scary ba.. bt honestly, i dun wan to spoil things at e current stage coz i've to work rather closely w liyana nw.. yep. n i jus wun be brave enuff to ask her back for my $. bt i'll still do it wen i leave coz tt's my money. i lent it to her. i didn't give it to her. to buy iphone n buy new phones for her parents n stuff.. tho i'm prepared to nt get it back, bt it doesn't mean tt i shld jus forget bout it.n for rameesah's side, i'm already nt being v nice already. i mean this morn i was kinda so frustrated tt i wanted to raise my voice already.. n jus nw wen my sis called me, i really was quite pissed coz i dun understand why she can go sms my sis! i rmb puttin jie's name as shiokanadern. maybe she only rmb my no starts w 8. bt jie's 85, mine is 82 wat. maybe look quite alike.. bt we made calls to each other this morn.. why can she still sms to my sis's no? luckily my sis didn't scold me over e phone/nagged at me bout lending her money, if nt i'll really be super pissed.jus nw i wanted to jus like say, "why on earth did u msg my sis?" it's like all these things add up to make me feel more turned off..

n i decided tt i shalln't reply her 2nd sms coz i didn't wan to call her. coz of e consideration of my hp bill n i jus feel tt tt good news can't be anything impressive.. wat can be e best news now? she get money lo... i mean i dun feel like caring for her like i'll do my good frens/buddies.. i'm jus lending her e physical support.. which i guess is wat most ppl wun do..

yep.. e involvement of my sis jus nw was really like e last straw.. nw i really hope tt e $50 jus nw will be a good investment.. even if i dun get my $ back, i hope tt her life can change for e better, at least she would be able to survive in life.. n by den, i would jus carry on w my own life.. it's ok if i dun get e $ back..

ok, i tink if i read my post. i would definitely feel e bitchiness of me.. bt at least i tink i'm nt fake, i nv in front of her pretend to care for her n feel for her den behind her back write this post.. i really dun tink i'm ready to share her burden as compared to how i would be willing to share if this is yitong/hargao/ancestor, ka they all.. i didn't list out all of them.. as long as i noe who are e ones..yep.. if karma comes, e only thing i can do is to accept.. coz i'm still gng to post this post.

yep. supposed to update on my life in e end blogged non-stop bout how i feel n stuff.. coz i really feel damn stressed by e moral obligation of havin to be there to listen to her.. it's like tho i'm nt gng thru shit, i've my own problems/worries also.. yep..

ok. change topic. jus nw wen yee seng said, "i tink u dun need to teach me sbq la.." e feelin of tt time tt meow's tuition class's nightmare came back! man. i got e same impact. n wen i heard tt he said i didn't teach him vectors, i got really very sad.. maybe quite ashamed also.. all along i thot i've been a good tutor.. bt wat he said really got me thinkin. n i feel tt e most impt reason is tt i'm also nt prepared enuff for tuitions. coz if nt i wun haf cancelled tuitions, look at e time so desperately n bring so many things for tuition. coz i'm nt prepared, so i dunno how much time i wan to spend on each component n i'm hopin e numbers can help me.. yep. n tt's y i always start w maths first. for yuxiang's side, it's e same.. if i've really taught well, he wun haf forget e core of almost everythin i've taught.. n if my explanation is tt he doesn't absorb anythin after 1h n i wun cut it to 1h coz i wun earn enuff for me 2 wan to go, den i shld reflect on my teaching methods. yep. shld i be more firm? wen asking for assignments to be done(for YS's case?)

yep. bt i hope i can really make improvements.. yep.. i wun wan to be so demoralised after every tuition!yep. n i felt a little bit bad for gng there to like talk/play w him wen his mum is payin me. bt after hearing tt baby's mum probably earns up to 10K per month, i was like thinkin, it's really peanuts to her.. bt it still shldn't change my responsibility as a tutor.. yep...

n there's e moral obligation also. he's baby's brother leh. n jus nw baby was like so serious wen she asked y i keep cancellin tuitions. n wen i lied so naturally, i was thinkin will anqi be v scared of me anot.. bt she said, i've learnt to be like her. so nw i dunno wen my fellow fattest pig is lying.. bt i'll jus assume she's honest most of e time.. i mean i dun tink her lies will affect me directly, n i'm nt her best buddy, so my opinion of her doesn't really matter alot to her, so it's like she also wun see e need to lie to me to cover up n stuff. i guess. n i believe xue en together if our hokkien background, we've tt kind of yi4 qi4 b/w e 2 of us n i guess she'll be honest w me most of e time. yep.

anw felt v happy talkin to her durin e period wen baby, ling n xr went out to shop.. yep.. hehe.

n of coz there's work issues.. after hearing wat * said, i dun wan to mention names. i dunno if raihanah is good or bad.. n tho suzi "comforted" me tt day sayin tt she scold only, after tt will be ok to tell me tt raihanah's scoldings aren't so serious after all. bt i've lost tt good feelin bout raihanah.. nt tt e negative is coming back also.. it's really a neutral feelin. watever she says doesn't pinch me anymore.. like tt day, i deliberately chatted w e guy coz i knew she's comin, i thot she's jus passing by. bt she came to talk 2 me i jus continued w my work n listened n of coz responded.. yep.. it's jus like i dun feel like engagin w her in any other conversations other than work-related stuff.. yep.. i dunno. i've seen 4 myself e good n bad sides bout her tho i mus say e good triumphs the bad.. bt i've heard more negative than positive things bout her.. bt e magic word here is "heard".. so i really v confused.. so nw is jus neutral. i hardly can feel tt way bout ppl.. it's always tilted to 1 side, hardly balanced like this case. yep. balanced. as a hist student, how can i use "neutral"? haha.

yep.. n HQ side, tt day i was quite pissed w jerome, philip n didn't wan to c fadhilah coz i dunno hw to face her. regarding tt sao mu4 thing. at first i was super upset. bt after hangin out w tong n den hearing wat stalker they all said bout gift, dunno why suddenly balanced le. after tt talked to gor den felt tt i really v cooperative n nice gal, y they dun appreciate me.. den pissed again. went back HQ super reluctantly bt as i thot bout things, den i kinda walked out of e maze n confusion.

i recognised for myself tt e chao keng ppl tt gor was talkin bout was actually me, nt my colleagues who take MCs.. yep.. n e fact tt i needed liyana to remind me tt i was only askin for my off, if cannot it's ok shows tt i already lost my way n moved onto the wrong track of tryin to get my off jus to nt go to work on weekend nights.. yep.. n i realised tt so wat if fadhilah gets an off-in-lieu in e end? it'll only mean tt more of her work gets unfinished.. yep.. n on a fair note, after takin into consideration all these, i could only say v honestly tt they weren't in e wrong. maybe philip jus meant well. i shall go back to my belief/assumption tt he actually cares 4 our welfare n isn't like an asshole. n tt jerome meant "emergency" n nt "necessary" as i've heard, tho actually e meaning dun differ a lot.it's jus hw i choose 2 c it.. yep. tho i still dunno why philip suddenly realised i was gng to sao mu4.. bt it's ok.. coz i've decided to jus forget bout it.. bt same thing.. i'll only agree to help nxt time if i feel like covering.. coz no point makin myself feel so upset bout having to go back to work.. n tho i noe fadhilah will haf to suffer for it, bt even if i do it, she wun appreciate it, n e girls tt i'm covering wun appreciate it tt much, judging by how liyana n sinthiya behaved to my requests... bt it's nt tt i need their appreciation to e extent of them expressing my gratitude non-stop.. jus tt i dun c any pt of helpin to e extent tt i burn myself out n nobody in e world cares, nt until i tell sunitha i need my off n she got me a off-in-lieu.. yep. n this decision wasn't made after e sao mu4 incident happened, it's after tt sun nite wen i covered sunitha's shift.. yep..

man. 0233 already. bt i wan to blog finish.. yep.

n 1 more impt thing tt is hangin on my mind is my b-dae.. hmm. this year even less excited bout it. coz i dun see my closest frens doin anythin bout it.. not including tong of coz.. coz i kinda asked her whether she celebrating w me anot.. bt it's coz tt time i wanted to make sure we go to some other place on good friday.. hehe. bt she's so free nw.. so she blocked out her 14th april for me n she said she'll accommodate my schedule. i noe this kind of thing cannot blame e rest coz they all haf office work. bt it's jus such a coincidence tt tong is e 1 who can do it.. so can't blame me either for treatin her as my buddy. coz it's jus so many coincidences put tgt.. n sometimes it's nt whether they're coincidences or not, bt these coincidences haf made us so close tgt tt i only wan to say she's my best buddy. heh.. yep. n i've blocked out my 3rd may for her too(: hehe. i dunno how many years can we still celebrate each other's b-dae tgt.. jus let nature takes it own course ba. bt nw tt i regard tong as my best buddy, i dun tink any1 else can replace her. it's a v choice thing coz i only wan to regard her as my best buddy, coz she's really all tt i ask for frm a fren.. yep.. so i dunno if i'll feel v lonely shld we drift apart 1 day, maybe coz of life/work/her overseas education.. bt if yitong as e standard, i dun tink it's easy for me to find another buddy like her.. n even if there's.. there's always e xian1 ru4 wei2 zhu3..

sometimes i feel tt i impose my wishes on her.. like if i keep complaining n whining to her, she can't possibly ignore me right? n wen i keep doin tt, of coz she'll be my best buddy.. hehe. yep. n coz i dun haf a boyfriend, so i can only put in all my effort like wen preparing b-dae gifts, for her.. hehe. who told her to be my buddy?!:P haha. yep. n tho there's this period of time wen i felt tt she's so distant frm me, ancestor's friendship w me didn't manage to fill in tt gap, so until nw, tong is still my best buddy.. hehe.. n everythin i do, tong has e 1st place! haha. i noe i've said this many times, bt jus let me brag!:P haha. like b-dae celebrations, meet-ups, things tt happen in my life. jus like if i ever find a boyfriend, n tho i told fann i would tell her my schedule first n give her e 1st bookin, bt tt's already assuming tt i've reserved 1 slot for tong, n it's a slot w no fixed time. up to e discretion of both of us. hehe. fann is really sweet. bt tong still has e 1st priority. haha. yep..

ok. i shld stop braggin. haha. n talkin bout braggin. i'm thinkin of gift again. complication. dunno why on earth did gift become a ground for politics, power(wen i first heard it frm stalker they all last last friday) n den nw confusion after yest's session w more updated info.. man.. maybe we shld really adopt victor's approach of po4 fu cheng zhou1 coz nw e volunteers also dun haf tt much ownership in e programme, even if we own it back, i guess it wun tickle them much also. yep. jus tt it'll be a big move, n we need e support, i need my determination n courage n e faith tt it's really e best move to take now.. yep.. lujie said he'll be here also, hopefully he does n YLC doesn't take up all his time.. bt judgin on his appearance n effort yest n today, i guess his heart is really into it.. n i've 2 say tt he needs to be around, coz he can tink of a bigger picture, he's less swayed by e heart as compared to me n more proactive n takes actions n unlike me who always talk only!:p haha. talk shop! haha. yep. so at least w him around, pushin for things, i'll feel e greater urge to do things n this radical move, i really wun be able to handle w.o him around. yep.

n back to my b-dae. valerie also asked me. so sweet! coz tt time after i told her e fusion job isn't available. she didn't get back to me le. i was a little afraid tt she would be angry. yep. bt i feel tt our gap has widened, n i jus hope if we meet up, it wun be too fluff a meet-up.. coz tt time wen we met up, i really felt tt things haf changed.. n tt's e thing tt i'm most worried bout tt will happen to my close budds n me, esp tong after she goes overseas.. yep..

bt e thing nw is i dun haf time for all these. n i mus honour my promise to fann first.. yep.. n felt a little happier tt jus nw baby they all said they weren't gng to shun4 bian4 celebrate my b-dae today! haha. bt e buyin of present, it's like a task for baby to complete. n tt isn't exactly wat i wan, tho i'm startin to feel tt it's even for me wen i buy e presents for others.. except wen i used my heart to do something out for my frens last year, like for tong n ancestor.. yep.. bt jus treat it as someone sponsoring me for shopping lo. haha.

yep.. bt e thing is i can't believe fangyi they all n OC have said nothing bout my b-dae until today. nw is 11th alr. my b-dae is in 3 days time. unless they wan to surprise me at fusion, bt i'm nt workin on tt day.. i dun tink they'll come in e morn b4 work. after work, how can they be so sure tt i'll be home if i've only told tong n baby they all TODAY? yep.. coz other than sec 2 tt year, i've not really received surprises on my b-dae, sth tt actually i would quite appreciate coz tt's wat i've been tryin to do for my frens all these while.. for tong, last year tt book i really tink is awesome to e max. n tho i didn't appear at her house eventually, i put in my heart 4 her b-dae, keepin in mind e cookies cake! heh. yep. n ancestor n ka.. i all got plan surprises. even for karen. e sudden cake also.. bt me? hmm. maybe they suddenly noe tt i like surprise n r gng to plan for me? hmm. n tho given my packed schedule, i wun mind if they really come to my hs n jus celebrate w me for a short while, i would actually still love to go out w them. fangyi they all, maybe 2 do my fav activity-karoake, sth tt i look forward to v much n talkin n chillin out.. n w OC.. seeing them. there wun be a lack of topics to say to individually, maybe karen would be a little tricky.. bt in a grp.. i tink there weren't many leng chang e last few times we met tho topic might nt haf been everyone's concern.. yep.. bt i didn't hear anythin frm them. they also didn't come n ask me wat i wan.. i dun believe they'll actually forget. bt i also dun feel tt they'll really plan surprises for me. at least nt 2 grps at e same time rite? so coincidental meh?

being someone who always plans surprises, i noe tt e way to make surprises really successful is to make tt person really believe tt u've forgotten/not planned anything.. bt everytime i tink tt they're tryin to surprise me, i end up being disappointed, so i've gave up hopin coz all i get in e end is disappointment.. yep. so maybe this fear n lack of confidence would be their success factor if they're really plannin a surprise for me this time! lol. bt so far, i dun tink so la.. yep.. c lo..

tmr i'll tink of hw i wan to slot in my current dates, n tuitions.. haha. yep. for those heartless ppl, dun care.. tho honestly, i would place these 2 dates more impt-ly than e ones i've nw, nt considering tong's in of coz!:P hehe. oops. i noe i'm being v mean.. bt e closeness is really e derermining factor. i'm nt tryin to be selective/proud bt jus being truthful, no point still tryin to hide/lie to myself on this blog rite? bt since they didn't ask, i dun tink n haf no idea how am i going to slot them in.. i'm nt tt desperate/bu yao lian yet.. lol.. yep.. it's ok bout my complaining here, coz eventually if they've really planned sth, my statements here would only serve as a testimony of how successful they've been in trickin me into believing tt they really forgot!!:P haha. yep.

k la. really tired. will go web sms tong first. den slp! tmr can meet up w my bmt gals n coach rosie! n jus thinkin maybe some ppl will rmb tt my b-dae is comin soon n surprise me w a cake/mini celebration n maybe a gift? haha. yep. nt askin or desperate for it. coz i hate e feelin of disappointment. n e bmt play is sth tt i'm quite lookin forward to.. haha. i jus realised tt chenghui most prob would get me sth coz these 2 years, she hasn't forgotten.. n tmr is prob e only time i'll be seeing her for the many months to come in fact unless we arrange to meet up!:P haha. is e letterbook w me? man..

kk. most impt-ly, nw go n slp! haha.

kheng(:
11/04/10
status: so happy to've met tong on bus today! it's e coincidence tt really cheers me up even more! n i invented NOOB yest! haha. secret code among stalker, wx, vivien, xh, haqeem n me yest! hahaha.