after some time

haha. after some time i'm back to blog. as in i noe i shld get into muggin. so cuttin down a lot on unnecessary usage. n blog is only wen i feel tt tt thing is sth tt i wan to write down or i wan to get it off my heart de. yep.

jus went for dinner w bmt gals n boys tgt w weirong. haha. man. totally didn't say anything to e boys except "hi" to xiaojun. maybe i look fierce? haha. or still as unattractive as e past. haha. or i didn't make e effort to talk. haha. i'm shy. haha. i noe i nid to open up more. esp wen i grow up. bt wen u've ppl ard u to make u comfortable. u'll feel less stronger e urge to open up. hehee. yep.

n i realised tt weirong's way of conversing is really tt kind of yi zhen jian xue type. n totally wun tolerate "gals-pink-act-cute" type of stuff de. yep. hmm. i tink i wun be able to converse well w her. coz she's like v forceful n v straight. nt making judgement saying this is bad or wat. bt definitely nt my style. yep. it'll either make me feel inferior or i wld jus end up quarelling w her non-stop. haha. yep. anw we aren't close anyway. yep.

n today go tho is like farewell for her n xiaojun. haha. really is go there show face only. like wat i told chenghui/ch told me:P haha. yep.

bt okay. at least met up w mat. listened to her. haha. quite happy tt yest she said she has sth tt she wld like to tell me bout. den nt v convenient for e rest to hear. tho end up pang-seh-ing ch n i felt quite bad. hehee. bt at least mat still treats me as someone she can talk to(: haha. so quite happy(:

yep. n it's always these times tt i start to appreciate chenghui better. she's probably e one n only fren tt sees me as e most impt fren. haha. nt to diao4 qi lai mai4 or to be showing off. bt it's like to others, it's either tt i'm nt first or i'm "first" tgt w many other ppl. bt ch really treats me like damn impt. or unless i misunderstand. bt i really tink she values me highly. haha. yep. n sometimes wen u look ard, u feel lost, u feel tt there isn't someone who understands u, ppl disappoint u.. u wld be thankful for someone who treats u so impt-ly. yep. of coz nt to take her as cushion la. haha. yep.

n it's nt coz i'm undergoing up n downs den i tink of her. bt rather today gave us e chance to talk more than our usual walk to assembly/clsroom time. n talk bout other stuff. yep. n i realise tt i haven't been w ch v often.b-dae presents also owe 2years. haiz. bad fren man me. haha. yep. bt we jus kinda haven't reached our peak. or rather we peak at tt time wen we started to be close. yep.

anw back to tong's thing again. hmm. tt time wen i saw e rainbow. after tt was okay. den somehow i felt e relaxation suddenly. n i suddenly didn't get affected by her tt much. yep. n recently dunno wat thing happen again. den i thot of tt thing again. hmm. i also dunno where tt thing came back. bt anyway, it's nt affecting me tt much.

jus tt tues during extra lesson. wen i saw tong playing arm wrestling w yijun. den i was like quite stunned wen she was doin e turning of rounds. haha.it's def nt sth tt i will do. n i suddenly felt v enstranged w her. yep. perhaps such stuff works both ways de ba. like maybe she'll drop her jaws if she see me n hargao spamming 'knnbccb" n like so violent n vulgar. haha. i mean of coz we meant it as a joke. bt we do really joke bout it. haha. yep. bt i jus felt tt we are v different ba. tho it doesn't mean tt we cannot be good frens. n nt all frens nid to be zhi4 tong dao4 he. bt we're actually quite different.

hmm. as i was typing. i was thinkin. hmm. maybe there're jus 2 parts to her. i mean everyone has different sides to them. even i do. wen i'm w my sec 4 clique, wen i'm w OC, wen i'm w hargao they all, wen i'm w twin, wen i'm w bmt, n finally wen i'm w tong. bt does it mean tt i feel restricted or less happier wen i'm w anyone? hmm. no eh. even tho i'm always behavin v unrestrainedly wen i'm w hargao they all. bt sometimes laughter n loudness do not mean everything. i'm bein myself wen i'm w them. i'm also being myself wen i'm w tong.

yep. hmm. ok. "paradigm shift"

hmm. bt well at least i can say tt wen i dun haf any hopes i feel happier. like this morn wen twin n i were walking up to e tc blk, yh saw us n told tong coz tong wanted to inform us tt there's a change of venue. yep. n after she said, she turned n walked away. bt i felt nth coz i wanted her to jus walk. dun turn back. ha. so feng ci. yep. if it's e me a mth back, i wld haf hoped tt she wld slow down n wait den we can talk a bit as we go up. bt 2day no. so wen she eventually didn't wait, i also didn't feel upset or anythin. so this is e good thing bout being positive ba. perhaps she jus wanted to be a good hist student/rep n go 4 class straight. bt fact remains as she walked away still.

yep. it's kind of stupid. i dunno wat izzit. was it me who started it or was it she. tt made me jus walk out of cls straight after lesson w.o saying bye. n e person who come into cls later nt to make an acknowledgment to e other who's already in cls. we aren't behavin as tho we're gd frens at all. of coz such things is nt to do for ppl to say. bt if strangers see us like this, they wun be convinced at all tt we're buddies. yep.

n yest b4 i left cls i still walked up to tb-mate n df to say bye. bt i jus didn't do it to tong wen it could simply haf been turn ard n jus say bye.

[jus chatted w my cousin. haha. he strugglin for O's. i struggling for A's :P]

yep. it's like "bye" is really jus like say thankyou. really is say alr lose nth le. bt i nv say. nor did she. part of e reason initially was coz of her cls. yep. n nw it's prob less coz of her cls. yep. actually i noe i said all these b4 le:P haha.

yep. den after tt we walk. i thot she was jus right behind me. all e way till i went to fill my bottle den i realised she's nt directly behind me. yep. den after filling up my bottle. i realised she was slowin n like got sth to say to me. yep. n she started w "hey my fren. we v long nv talk alr. n our subway also haven't go n eat. when u free, i nt free. wen i free, u nt free."

yep. n as she said i only jus "ya" n this "ya" is nt a kind of fu1 yan. it's a kind of silent protest. bt i tink she didn't get it. yep. until e last part wen i said "no". den i said i'm always free. again. i dunno whether she got wat i meant. yep. bt wat i was tryin to imply is she's always e one who's nt free nt me.

actually all these is only 1-sided. n since i'm nt tong. i def dunno wat's on her mind. n maybe it's jus misunderstandings.
i feel tt i'm always e one taking e initiative to contact her. bt maybe she thinks tt i'll contact her wen i feel like it/wen i'm free. den she dun wan to bug me normally.
i feel tt she's always wanting to go off w her frens. bt maybe she thinks tt way of me too. so she wan to end e conversation fast so tt i can go off w my cls.
yep. all these kind of stuff. think lai think qu. like wat my bro always say "u think, i thot who confirm?"
yep. bt again. this is e type of stuff which i tink jiang bai le v meaningless. yep.
yep. wen i say i end at 4 den she suggest another date. to me it's like she dun wan to wait. bt maybe she is also like me, we wan to spend more time tgt wen we go out tt once in a long while. bt i dunno.coz she nv say. maybe i didn't say also. except tt once wen i said we go out another day den end up i went to lot 1 w xr they all. haha. coz xr went tgt w me to e soccer match mah. it's again tong's stuff.
yep. i dunno. i guess i'm nt v positive wen i tink of wat my fren's possibly thinking. yep.
yep yep yep yep yep. my whole blog post is full of yep.
ya. n it's like we noe we shld let each other study. tho we both noe v well(i guess) tt even wen we dun spend tt time out, we wld be doin sth else tt is non productive. somewhere else w some other frens. bt i guess we jus wan to spare tt consideration for our frens ba. at least tt's why i chose nt to go out tt day after house session.
yep. it's nt tt i wan to ji jiao. bt jus feel v sian wen u get no affirmation. i dunno anythin. it's unlike tb-mate he wld be v nice to occasionally come tell me tt mr han was v crazy durin e first international economics lecture. wen he receives sms bout history stuff. he wld share w me. i c a bit of excitement wen he noes we gng combine classes. yep. it's all these little things tt tell ur fren u care. perhaps we're jus so close tt tong thinks it's natural or rather can be assumed ba. bt i guess i'm jus someone who needs constant reinforcement n reminders n affirmation. bt wat i get is jus

[dunno why tears welling up again. i'm nt v affected. bt i guess i'm jus a bit heaty n emotional ba. so shld stop for a while. go play facebook.]

"can pay money?" "this is hist notes." n all e sms-es tt i do get are "tmr's lesson is at.." "this week's schedule.." perhaps to her, it's considered keeping in touch le ba. bt i really dun see wat a sms tt's meant for like 16 ppl n IS sent out to 16 ppl can be or haf a personal touch. yep. i guess i'm starting to get sarcastic.

i'm starting to get grouchy. i'm complainin. i'm blaming my fren.

pause.

back.

yep. actually i noe. or rather i guess if tong sees this, she wld probably be v upset. i guess she'll be feelin guilty tt she's making this gd fren of her so upset all e time. maybe she wld be thinking tt i'm a bitch, so hard to please(bt probably nt in such a vulgar way tt i've made it to sound like). n pls. anythin goes except this: to think tt i'm a les n i'm in love w her. man. no i'm nt. i've no idea why i'm so easily affected by my frens. n honestly can't blame me tt all my good frens are gals wat. all my good frens' good frens are all gals mah. no idea why this makes me look les in e eyes of my siblings. yep.

yep. bt i guess easily affected kinda shows hw impt i view my friendships. it's a kind of respect as well i guess?(: yep.

yep. i dunno. i noe tong cares. maybe nt enuff. maybe nt e way i wan.

yep. jus can say i nid tt little bit of confidence. tt little bit of assurance.

i noe tt nt noe-ing all e teeny weeny things tt happen in my life, like playin bball till finger injured n getting really disappointed w e RGPS gals do nt equate to tt she dun understand me. for she noes a lot more things tt my other frens do nt noe, bout my family. bout gift frens. yep. bt honestly, if we don't have tt weekly interaction. it's nt tt kind of 1 week mus meet up once tt type. nt like last yr during gift. bt if we do not haf frequent interaction. so wat if we meet like once every 3 months n talk for 10hours? i dun think it makes my feel happier. it's e rare-ness tt will make me cherish e friendship more. bt it def wun make me feel closer to my fren.

yep. i guess yest wen she "talked" to me. she really did feel tt we haven't talk for quite some time. coz i did feel tt she felt a little bit enstranged wen she used "fren" n stuff. dunno. again it's pure speculation.

yep. i dunno. again.

i dunno. i jus noe tt i wld rather wan tt kind of talking at corridors, in cls after hist lessons ended, in canteen. i dun nid nid 10years talk for 24hours kind of friendship. or rather i dun wan it.

n sometimes wen i see tt she can like be w soccer ppl. i really dunno y we can't. if we do talk in sch, it's def less than 10mins. anythin more than tt, it mus haf been planned. haiz.

i guess i caused e change too ba. w my my immediate siam-ing after lessons. n maybe wrong impressions imprinted. bt i can't turn e clock back.

yep. n e soccer thing also. i also meet up w ancestor like 2-3times per week in sch. n we talk n talk. i also can go running w fy n w xr. bt it does nt mean tt i dun wan to meet w tong. maybe it's e same for her.

yep. maybe. again.

i only noe this morn i was like siam-ing her wen i was meetin ancestor at central grandstand. oh man. buddies. n i'm siam-ing her. perhaps coz i'm v afraid of her havin only 2 lines to tell me bout. i get v sian wen i meet her at e corridor n all we say is "hi". is tt all we can say in sch? are we in a sense "hi-bye" frens also?

man. dunno la. i'm cryin. perhaps for e loss ba. nothing is fixed yet. bt i jus felt tt i've lost it.

of coz maybe v late le so will get emo ba. maybe i'm cryin for my "ideal" fren? someone tt nv existed in my life, only in my dictionary n imagination? i dunno.

i only noe tt i wld be v sad if 1 day i can only look back n tink of e happy times back in J1 n perhaps first half year of J2.

haiz. bt i really dun wan to do anythin. coz i noe watever i do wld be fruitless. coz it wld be zi ji zuo zi ji shuang.

tong doesn't noe bout this. n to her i guess it's only tt if i'm free, i wld talk to her more n wen i'm nt, i wld jus talk to her less.

wen i talk to her, she jus nid to reply. wen i dun talk to her, den she prob haf to try n org a subway outing?

i really mean it. coz she dunno bout all these. she prob wun haf felt tt we've unknowingly drifted apart in our daily lives. coz all these happened gradually. at first everythin was offset by all her soccer committments n tuition n stuff. den wen those changes settled in, all she prob rmb-ed were e things after e changes took place.

i wonder if she ever do realise e nt talkin more than 5mins thing. haiz.

i dunno. maybe she also do feel upset? it's jus tt i dunno? or maybe she's so nice n optimistic tt she dun feel tt nt talkin in our everyday lives matter?

yep. it's like wen i tell myself i wan to do sth. den i will always start w sms-ing. den i'll prob make myself happier for like 1 or 2 days? 1 or 2 weeks? 1 or 2months?(by den wld be A's alr) yep. bt things dun change fundamentally. it can be like 1 or 2 weeks back. we sms each other almost everyday. bt so? we dun talk wen we c each other? we dun say hi nor bye. everytime we open up our mouths. it was for history.

until tt morn bout e phone thingy. it's like i really do haf sth to tell her. tt's why i msg-ed her. i wan to update her bout wat's happening coz i do draw e link between noe-ing wat's happening in ur frens' lives to hw close u're to them. she cared so she replied. bt i realised it becomes like i'm always whining. tt tt nite i thot my hp spoilt. so i told her. e nxt morn it suddenly become okay. so? in e end. we were talkin bout sth tt did happen bt in a sense went back to e same starting point. we communicated. so? does tt make us understand each other better? no. things dun change ah.

it jus felt v empty.

i felt tt it's v meaningless. it felt like in order for us to stay in contact, something mus happen to my life everyday. sth different. sth special. so tt i can sms her. den we can move on frm there n talk. n maybe i'm being v whiny n expecting alot. bt why do i've to keep sms-ing her FIRST? n honestly, my smses weren't for free. it's felt a bit like zuo4 jian4 zi ji. a bit over-exaggeration. bt why do i've to do all these? it's nt tt i'm being v calculative. it's jus tt isn't it a bit retarded? like i've to keep doin alot alot of things to get ppl's attention. i dun wan tt. i'm nt a little kid.

haiz. yep.

tt's why i say i zi ji zuo zi ji shuang.

tong dunno anythin. she jus replied my sms-es out of concern.

those things weren't natural. it's coz i wanted to feel tt we're talkin. tt's why i deliberately sms her. given e me who's always savin sms-es. i def wun do those stuff de. bt i still did them. so it's deliberate.

i wonder if tong sees this, wld she get v upset? like i've so little faith in our friendship. tho ppl always say it's normal tt ppl nid some form of reassurance. bt to me, a friendship tt dun require tt is sth tt is stronger. bt sadly. i'm nt doin it. i dunno hw i managed to do it w ka 3years back also. e classic moment wen she came to ask me "kheng, do u feel tt we've drifted apart nw tt we're nt always tgt?" sth along this line. i always bring this up.

yep. i'm v sorry. bt i really tried. i really tried to haf faith. bt faith cannot be based on nothing. or sth tt happened like 10years back. sorry tong. haiz. i also wanted our friendship one tt could withstand all e challenges. i also hoped tt it could be 1 tt we can talk anytime we feel like it.(we can. e familiarity is there. bt time is nt.) i also didn't wan it to be a burden to either 1 of us. esp after all tt've happened w xueen, matilda, fy's clique. i'm really sorry. bt perhaps i tried too hard.

or maybe we jus peaked too high. or rather my speculation n high expectations led to inflation. nominal growth. distorted price signals.

my ears are kind of blocked. n i guess i'm gng to haf a hard time gng to slp w my nose so blocked. man.

yep. i jus hope tt tong wun see this post. coz if she were to see this at this time. i seriously dunno hw we gng move on frm here. hw we gng to reconcile this post.

all i noe is. tmr i'm gng to sch w e same expectations as today. i wun zi ji zuo zi ji shuang alr.

if we'll think of e same thing like hw twin n i seem to really haf xin1 ling gan ying n tink in a rather similar way(i dun mean it as a show of love pls. i'm jus finding it cool. like we're really twins), den we'll prob go out for our subway 1 day over this long weekend.

if she's gng to tink tt i'm busy or tt i shld be studying. den blantly, "too bad". coz i really dun wan to zi ji zuo zi ji shuang.

yep.

memories are really a very beautiful part of life.
but they can also be a very hurtful part of life.

"sometimes i wish i could save you."

sometimes i jus wonder hw wld things be like if i can be like tangtang n can haf "selective" hearing. perhaps if i can't hear anythin, my life wld be more protected? maybe alot less colourful, but wld i be protected from harms?

haiz.

really is "hao4 ga4 bo bak sai4" like wat hargao says.

1404
07-08-09
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