feelings

hmm. yest was really emo. i still dun dare or dun really feel like reading my yest's post. somehow dun wan to face it. nt escaping reality. bt it's like wat e shows always say "bu yao4 qu4 wa1 na4 ge4 chuang4 ba1".haha. also dunno whether e last 2 words quoted correct anot. bt something along tt line. after a while i probably will go read it(: n be ready to face it. yep.

jus nw was talkin to chiahong on e bus den realised actually my JC life is gng to come to an end. like wat he said. 3 weeks to prelims. after prelims n gng thru papers den is study break. n we'll all be intensely muggin. no more "sch" life. like mat didn't even haf national day celebrations. go uni will also be tt case. tt's why i didn't pon today's celebrations. anw it's quite fun wen u can jus sit there w a grp of crazy frens n start commenting on e performance. it's nt to be critical n be grouchy. bt to laugh at e lame-ness n like e things tt ppl do for their retardedness? a bit mean. bt it's like wen u're nt part of e organisation, den u'll jus feel free to laugh n stuff. n it's also nt being critical tt u feel unhappy coz u're full of grouches. yep. it's really a very fun feeling n our cls recently damn "enthu" hahaha. damn fun! hahaha.

yep. n morn still wake up early to go play bball.

i'm loving it.

haha. yep. seems like i'm happier today? haha. maybe nt really? i dunno. let me see my tone at e end of e post. haha.

yep. n i went to tink bout it. 3 more weeks to "end" of sch life. yep. after tt everythin wld be gone. nt jus e tong part. bt my rv-4a frens. ancestor. havin so many good frens ard me. everythin. it doesn't mean i'll lose them. bt there'll definitely be lesser interactions... yep. i noe i'll really miss all these.

n b4 yest i was still sayin tt i really dislike nj n stuff until ch told me tt elin n weirong were complaining bout rv. den i realised tt i'm jus like them. jus tt we're focusing on different schools. i guess this is wat happens wen u're e "2nd cls citizens" ba. in rv i've nv been one, perhaps tt's why i love e school. yep. bt well. e moral of e story is jus nt to be so critical n perhaps NJ is really a home to others. i shld spare a thot 4 others wen i complain n criticise. yep. n anw tho NJ really dun feel like my home. bt after all it's e place tt still gave me a lot of memories. can be said as "wu gong ye you lao". yep.

sch life. gng miss it.

anw jus nw went for a cls lunch after celebrations. haha. feel so proud of my dash for e bus 171! haha. really was "171! pao!" n i jus chionged w norman, chiahong n zeni praising me n stunned by my speed n 'fitness'. haha. coz everyone noes i'm doin my "shape run" as norman puts it:P haha. n wen i ate long john jus nw. everyone was like "hwee-jie ah. run den eat tis wun slim down..." hahahaha.

yep. bt after tt was kinda sian. dunno why hargao n hotdog like a bit touchy. nt e sick meaning. bt yep. they were kinda nt entertaining our jokes. yep. so it becomes kinda of can't joke or rather they weren't talkin n stuff. n actually i got kinda sian n a bit lost again coz it's like u dunno wen to draw e line. n it becomes v easy for u to cross e line n see ppl's bai yan. yep. n tt feeling sux! yep.

bt after tt met norman n deva to train hm tgt. end up norman take different side frm us. i was so afraid tt i wun haf anythin to say to deva. surprising nt. haha. she entertained me e whole while n managed to find common topics like CAAL, candy n 1 other thing i tink. haha. recently found deva v cute. haha. she like to roll her eyes n she can give tt scary stare. haha. coz everyone teases her. bt she's v funny. haha. n v nice also. haha. n really. she has tt confidence tt's nt overwhelming. haha. yep. n we were laughin e whole while. haha. so perhaps this cls outing was fruitful in this area. haha. yep.

thinkin of hw to haf a farewell meal w huihui b4 she flies off for studies. yep. weirong gng also. bt their dates clash w our prelims period. so can't go n send them off. yep. huihui i will consider gng if ppl do go w me. i aren't THAT close to her. bt somehow nt tt distant. n in a sense. maybe wen she comes back everythin will really change. perhaps wld be tt last time. yep. of coz i hope nt. haha. yep. so see first. haha.

yep. n jus nw reached cine den saw e A01 ppl. bt didn't see tong. i guess she didn't go out w them coz if so, yh shld be w her or sth. unless she went to e eatin place first? coz i saw e rest comin out frm lift so maybe they went to buy movie tix? bt anw it's like i noe everyone bt i said hello to nobody. tt's hw nt close i'm to them. lol. even acquintances say hi. bt we dun. it's like some of them are frm rv somemore. haiyo. bt nt impt. haha.

yep. n like i said yest. i went to sch w e same feelings as i did yest. i said tt sentence was to stress that i aren't tt affected. i can still laugh n smile n be happy. n i mean frm e bottom of my heart. nt fake or pretend de. yep. jus tt wen i tink bout it. it's inevitable tt my mood will go down a little.

yep. n i didn't mean to cry in front of my siblings. b4 sleeping yest my sis was askin me why did i cry. n after "negotiating" for a v long time. i told her e gist - i felt tt i'm nt as close to my fren.

n she didn't believe me. she said i wun cry for such stuff? is this an implication of how much she dun understand me? or was it tt she thot i jus said sth to fu yan her? bt nt really tt impt coz i really didn't wan to say. tho i blog everythin out. bt i really blog for my own viewing purposes. i jus dun wan to be like still hiding n sayin things v wan zhuan-ly wen i'm bloggin. bt i dun say things w.o thinkin still coz nothin is safe on e net. yep. so i really dun mean to let anyone noe bout this thing. yep.

i dunno whether i gt disappoint my sis anot coz she felt tt we dun haf secrets between us. which might be true coz she has told me bout a lot of stuff. bt she once said also tt she feels tt nobody understands her. n she also said b4 everyone shld haf some secrets of their own. n this is mine. i wasn't ready to share coz i still believe tt sayin wld mean betrayal. even tho family members are supposed to be e closest ppl. bt tong is still v impt to me as a v v good no1 buddy. n i really dun wan to "betray" dis friendship. i dun believe in those "u say she also dunno thing". it's obvious tt "tian1 zhi1, di4 zhi1, ni zhi1, wo zhi1". yep. so i jus didn't wan to say. it's nt tt i place tong above my sis. bt i dun wan to achieve my aim of being v close 2 my sis at e expense of my best friendship. yep. some things can be complementary. i jus hope tt my sis sees it this way n nt tt i dun trust her or i view my frens more impt than family or her. yep.

i guess i started off e post w a v good mood. tt's y i'm still feelin happy nw(: haha. yep. n i'm nt bloggin all e negative stuff. yep. jus hope tt we'll be able to tide thru this "crisis" n our frenship can grow stronger. yep.

coz jus nw on 334 back. i was thinkin of e "pillar of support" tong wrote in e b-dae present book she gave me. actually before tt it's e song "yi ran shi peng you."

我和他谁都不曾说出口
我们之间隐藏了什么
除了我自己没人懂
可是你,你怎么说
你知道后是不是从此避开我oh～
我一样难过
多希望我们不曾相识过

yep. den e infront part quite fit wat i'm feelin at this stage. of coz nt e idea of love. bt friendship. yep. den i reached e last line of wat i quoted. den i thot bout it. i guess tt doesn't fit. tho if tong nv existed in my life, perhaps i wun be feelin all these upsetness over e last few blog entries. bt w.o her i guess my J1 life wld really haf been terrible. prob i wun haf found e love n confidence for gift n in gift respectively. yep. e pillar of support part is really strong. jus like wat she wrote in e book. coz tho i can live life on. even as a loner. or jus as a supporting actress in this whole drama of life n JC sch life. bt w.o frens tt u noe care n u can count on. u'll feel really lonely. i guess we all nid, or at least i do, someone to love us. love as in frens. care n concern. like this year v much reliant on ancestor. bt of coz tong is still an impt contribution. yep.

n like wat i heard in 1 of e shows many many years back. life is about experiencing all kinds of feelings n emotions. w.o unhappiness or regrets, life wun be complete. as in u wun really haf lived life well. yep. n i agree. n tt's where sunshine after rain comes into place isn't it? w.o rain, sunshine wld nv be as great as it may be nw. yep. so even w unhappiness, i'm still thankful tt tong n i existed in each other's lives. n jus like e quote always say, many ppl walk in n out of ur lives.. some stay. some dun........ yep. n of coz i hope she wun walk out of it. yep. i thot bout havin her as my bridesmaid, as my children's godmother n i said to ancestor this b4, if i find a boyfriend, she wld be 1 of e 2 frens tt i'll definitely tell n tell first. yep. e other is of coz tong. haha. n i tink i said i wld tell tong first:P hahaha. yep.

bt this kind of things.shun4 qi zi4 ran. wen we leave sch. wen we're havin our holidays nxt yr. i wld be takin e initiatives ba. to ask her out occasionally. maybe once a month or something? n wen she's overseas, she'll always be on my mind. haha. i will send her letters regularly n stuff. wat comes nxt is really "let it be.." yep. i only noe i'll put in effort to manage my friendships n sustain them. e rest is really nt up to me. yep. bt for nw i tink i wun do anythin else, studyin as an excuse or a real area for concern maybe. yep. n i dun wan to do e zi ji zuo zi ji shuang stuff le. yep. jus see. you yuan zi hui zai xiang jian. for us wld be you yuan zi hui ji xu dang zuo hao de peng you. yep.

i hope i aren't being v extreme. yest v negative. today v positive. i guess e time of e day wen i'm writing matters. n in a sense yest say out all e negative stuff le. den today continue w e postive ones. i study econs. there's always "on the other hand" n as a hist n gp student, there needs to be a counter-argument n antithesis always. yep.

balance.

yep. it's nt like i'm afraid i made things too bad yest so nw i'm tryin to make up or watever. i'm nt.. bt tt's wat i really feel. n in hist SBQ, tis is doin level 6 -modifyin e thesis. reconciling the various sources by using time. yest i was talkin bout wat i wld do now. at e moment - not to zi ji zuo zi ji shuang. bt after we graduate, of coz things will be diff , if i dun anythin den it wld be my fault to let e friendship fade away. yep. like wat i told matilda yest, dun let it live to be a regret. at least try. yep.

yep yep. anw man proposes, god disposes. ren suan bu ru tian suan. let things be.

anw yest i also nv say i was gng to like nt treat her as a fren or anythin. i said,"i wld go to sch tmr w e same feelings n expectations as i went to sch today w." yep. n tt's my way of saying i wld let things run as normal. yep.

i'm nt as childish to go say stuff like "this friendship doesn't matter to me." or anythin. i'm truthful to my own feelings n tt's why i blog, i teared n nw i'm smiling(: yep.

kk. enuff bout tt. anw i really really wan e necklace w e song "yesterday once more" in e show "tian yan mi yu". i really hope tt someone can noe wat i wan n get it for me. tho i tink e probability of tt happening is really 0.0000000001%. yep. bt i still hope la. n i'll look for it myself. i jus like tt song a lot. jus nw i was listenin to it on e MP3. den i turned up e volume den it's like enclosed area, like i'm in e world of e song. yep. n e "i'm loving it" feeling came back. coz sometimes wen u hear a song too much, tt feelin will fade away. yep. bt i found it. yep. so nice. n e one in e show e melody was especially nicer. if i've it. i wld probably bring it wherever i go. yep. to cheer me up wenever i'm feeling low. haha. yep.

kk. nw to upload photos on facebook n maybe look for e necklace. n start muggin. decided nt to go gift today le:P haha.

jus nw took a photo w hargao, hotdog n halal ham at 07/08/09 10:11. haha. damn cool. den after kish told me bout e 12:34"56 07/08/09 thing. bt i missed it. bt it's really cool! hahaha.

1404(:
07/08/09