tired!:S

man. i'm feeling so restless n tired! this morn was still okay! think after lunch den felt very drowsy den nw jus become even more tired:S why no filming today? if have, i would be so much more alive!:S man. really not many ppl at work ask bout my results, only 1 of the cisco police guys n gona. bt well, it doesn't really matter la. anw it's nt really very good too. i tink most of them nt been thru A'levels. so C sounds quite bad? so even e 3 As cannot make up for the "C". hmm. bt anw C isn't anythin to be proud of also la.

there's really a disparity between ppl's reactions wen they heard my O'level results n my A'level results! hmm. bt well. it's okay w me. i mean i expected all these wen i prepared for A's.. n actually the 3As n the B for GP really was good enuff for me le. jus tt e C for hist is really like a stain. C being a very ugly grade, plus it's for history. maybe miss oon n mr han expected it also la, at first still felt quite apologetic coz it's a C. bt den realised whole level's results dropped for hist. so nt jus me alone. bt of coz, i got it also coz i didn't put in effort. hehe. yep. bt well. it's over. no point brooding over it. jus dunno wat to write on the card for miss oon n mr han. lol. heh. yep.

bt i guess edwyna was more upset w her B than i'm w my C ba. lol. n yingjie's C. hmm. bt well. it's over. ppl will move on de. i hope. at least ancestor is moving on now. n i hope karen is too. really very sad. coz this time round, other than e 2 of them. all my other frens did well. tong n tard whom i was rather concerned bout managed a few As also. n boon's 1 A n zeni's no As were managed quite well by the 2 of them also. tho boon cried dunno how many times over her bf. haiz. yep. so wen i called karen, i was like quite upset for her. bt well, she also moved on n even went for her performance at night. dunno how is she coping now. bt hers is not VERY bad, jus tt can't get into the course she wants. at least she had a H2 A n GP A. ancestor really is like B, C n Ds only. wen i called her up while waitin 4 fy they all, i really felt so upset. i was thinkin shld i fly to her anot. bt she said she's somewhere near her house n sth like she had to cool down. plus i also wanted to go for my karoake session. haiz. yep. so i didn't go to her. bt this morn she msg-ed me, seems like she's managin it okay now. bt of coz she'll still be upset. hmm.

yep. at least gor's reaction was like quite surprised n i guess proud wen he heard my results? n at least my A for maths got me my tuition offer at bei gu's fren's tuition centre! hopefully can get more students n den haf more money rolling in. coz it's like for the same amt of time i spend there, i get more money. maybe shld cut the hours of tuition for yuxiang. n maybe shld really talk to jerome bout my working hours n pay. hmm. see first.

n ge ge was very nice to haf come to congratulate me bout getting so many As. n vivien n stalker felt tt i did quite well? haha. n very sweet to haf come n msg me n vivien said they wan to treat me. haha. hui li? haha. yep. feel like seeing them. very long nv see them le. i miss stalker lo. bt i feel tt distance is only gng to increase coz we're movin on in life le. hmm. bt well. put in the effort la. n try n den... hope. yep.

yest i guess tho my original intention was to go out w fangyi they all n also to sing k wen i chose to pangseh my class, like AGAIN, n go out w them, it eventually was the right decision? coz half-way thru k, fangyi broke down again:( haiz. i kinda feel a little scared nw coz relationships haf brought her so much unhappiness. of coz e happiness i dun see it la. bt yep. n wen i saw how sad she was n how i could still haf fun even tho ancestor sobbed so badly over the phone, i realised why perhaps i haven't gotten a boyfriend until now. maybe it's coz i still dunno how to go n love someone more than myself ba, n tt's why god wants me to wait somemore. yep. maybe it's nt a good comparison coz after all, fangyi is e direct party involved whereas for ancestor's results, i'm not the direct party. yep. bt well, i guess it jus struck me ba? yep i realised tt i've always loved myself alot n maybe even more than my frens one day in the week tt jus passed, somehow i rmb it was at fusion wen i realised it. tink wen i thot of fangyi they all ba. realised tt i always put myself at top priority. yep.

bt still, even now tt i've found the problem, it's nt tt easy to solve e problem coz it's nt tt easy for me to love ppl more than i love myself. i mean of coz i'll learn la. learn how to love people. yep. bt i'll jus try. haha. somehow sun yan zi's "ai4 qing zi4 dian4" is ringing in my head... something like "dang1 wo men xue hui4..... ai qing jiu4 hui4......" maybe someday wen i learn how to love people more than i do, i will be really suitable to get into a relationship n i guess i'll be happier in life?(:

ooh. i recall now. it's at home wen i was thinkin bout how i managed to hurt matilda wen i drifted away from her towards chenghui. i was thinking.. i've always been such a kind-hearted person, i mean seriously, nt self-praise. i really care bout ppl n always try to help ppl. i jus dun understand how could i've done sth so bad as to hurt matilda, n of coz the "memories" of xue en rings in my mind. yep. n i realised e ans was tt i love myself more than i love others. yep.

so now i'm learning.. yep. give me some time?(:

yep. i need choco to liven up n energise myself! bt i can't walk away:S man.

n yep. yest wen fangyi they all parted w me at e bus-stop, there's jus this mo4 ming de you1 shang1. i jus felt like it's like officially certified tt we've graduated. it's like an official closure. exams are over. results are out. e nxt time b4 we meet would be like..... n of coz across these 2 years, i've slowly learnt to let go. i've learnt to move on. n den shift to reliance on yitong. i'm nt sayin tong is back-up or anythin. in fact tong is more impt to me than anyone else. n right from the very start, tong has NEVER been a tool for me to make use/shift reliance to. hehe. yep. she's my buddy, a true buddy.

yep. n tho we said tt e nxt time we'll meet is on my b-dae which isn't v long n tt we can go back n get results tgt. bt it's jus a very empty feeling. it's kinda we'll only meet on big days. yep. n of coz i'll still see mama king around at workplace. n after like very little interaction for the past few months, e interaction among us 4 is still very comfortable n zi4 ran. yep. bt actually distance did grow. it's only xia yi zhan xing fu tt brought yj n me kinda closer back tgt. yep. bt anw, e show has ended. so. yep. i'm nt sayin we wun be frens anymore or wun haf anythin to talk bout. bt jus missin link. yep.

maybe i shld get straight to this thing. n tt's tt even tho fangyi is very sad over her bf, bt i jus feel tt she wun confide in me. maybe she dun wan to bother me. maybe she still trusts me. bt i jus feel tt she wun think of me wen she needs. maybe she also wun think of yingjie they all. bt e thing is, if really buddy buddy, den in times of need, will think of confiding de. it's like tt time she trapped outside her house n her bf nv pick up, she also didn't think of callin us. i jus feel tt i dun see her movin a bit out more than e usual SOP(b-dae, impt occasions) to keep in contact. it's different frm w valerie, it's like even if i dun contact w fy, wen we meet, e chemistry is still there, whereas w valerie, really is very long nv keep in contact le. bt it's like, i feel tt there's a missing link.

yes, we're good frens. n it's like i'm jus her sec good fren. den she has her JC good frens. her family n her life. jus like i do. bt it's like i jus feel tt to her, i'm jus a good fren. more than a fren, wen meet will whine. other than tt, nt really. maybe coz these 2 years we haven't been maintainin regular links. in comparison to like maybe tard, i guess i'm still a rather special fren for her coz she doesn't seem to haf many good frens in JC, as in those tt she really feel comfortable w ba.

hmm. i also dunno how to explain. honestly, if i trapped outside my house or anythin, e first person i'll turn to will still be tong n actually i also wun call fangyi. bt i jus feel tt my friendship to her weighs less than hers to mine. n w time, it'll only get worse. bt of coz, i'm nt gng to feel emo bout it. i'm past e sec 4 years le. wat's more e regular OC meetings, n support strength from tong, tard, gift n my gift family n my JC frens n of coz still meetings w them(i always call them my clique). haha. yep. all these are able to sustain me. tho yest i really felt like i'm floating.

yep. as in my friendship w each n every person/group is very firm n stable. bt i jus still feel like i'm floating. yep. i can't really draw strength frm any wen i need it. ka i jus feel tt she's closer to norine nw. ancestor i tink sometimes i need to be fair to her n nt always spam her ears n all e others also nt very "readily available". tong is almost always there for me. bt similarly i need to be fair to her. yep. it's like i still haven't found a fren tt needs me as much as i need her. it's also lob-sided n me being e more demanding one. yep. n e most obvious ones are tong n ancestor. yep. n they need their own lives too. n nt forgettin special situations like yest wen ancestor was so upset!:(

yep. n somehow, wen i was walking home n hearing ding dang's "zhang da". i felt so overwhelmed n tears rolled down. yep. e song is more of singing frm e position of a child to a mum regarding growing up. bt to me, it's like a symbolism tt it's like we've all grown up now. we can't stay close 4ever like we used to be in e past. n yep. fangyi's clique is jus more impt than my JC clique given my choice yest. bt other than tt, i jus feel tt it's easier to go out w hargao they all than gng out w fangyi they all, tt's why i chose to go out w fy they all. yep.

bt anw. i feel much better now. izzit e bloggin tt got me more energetic? also dunno. yep. sinthiya coming in in an hour's time. shall get ready to go n buy choco to make myself more energised. hehe. yep. n den crap a bit, hopefully time will pass as quickly as how the past 3 hours went!

hmm. startin to realise how much i can't do w.o a comp! man. it's like if u ask me to sit at symbiosis(my fav tower) to do my own stuff. i def wun be able to survive as well as i'm doin nw. coz there're jus too many things i can do on e comp! hahaha. yep.

really prayin for a good good schedule nxt week! maybe i shld try n plan e schedule using the requests submitted in the communications book? hee. yep. put me at HD/Symbiosis! afternoon shift on weekdays pls! NO north tower!! praying hard! pls pls pls pls pls. good schedule pls! sun n sat afternoon off!!! hahaha.

kheng(:
06/03/10
status: oh ya, i passed my BTT. n thinkin of my pink G-tech pen from taiwan n den linkin to taiwan, i'm starting to miss my days in taiwan again. taking e trains, playin w my cousins n sister. n jus being in taiwan n feeing wat's being felt wen i watch taiwan show. xia4 yi zhan4 xing4 fu, tt kind of emptiness mu chen feels in the 6years wen she brought xiao le up alone, e loneliness tt comes from missing guang1 xi1.. e suddent emo-ness mus haf came from e watchin of xia yi zhan xing fu jus nw....