Heh. Control"-ing"..

Hmm.. Woke up this morn feelin super angsty.. Din wan to go tuition! V much coz i slept quite late at bout 1 last nite! Hehe! & jus felt v angry, v 愤世嫉俗, reminded of yest's episode w sis - hw angry i was (felt a little ashamed of it, & of coz still tryin to save a bit of face for myself - nt willin to admit e full" length" of my mistake! :p), den thot of havin to go tuition to correct my mistake.. Everythin! Bt was more angry tt i've to wake up early to go tuition! I tink i've to watch my schedule, these 2 days quite packed! As in got things on. Cannot make my nxt few wks equally packed! If nt the angsty-ness in me will emerge again!

Yep! Thot of cancellin tuition! Like thurs! Heheh! I tink there is this part of me who is tryin to exert control! Over things! Yep! I tink coz placement ended, i cannot control tt placement ended, i cannot control e upset feelin in me, i cannot control quite a bit of things. Bt during placement, i felt e sense of control over my life - to go to a far far place to work, to decide whether i wan to see pt or do other things (w kaiyi's approval of coz), den e sense of satisfaction w havin a "meaningful" & well-spent life - one in which i feel justified if i'm tired & dun arrange/go for outings at nite coz i've a "valid" reason - placement & havin to wake up early. & i was happy, nw haf to go for tuition - dun earn a lot & i cannot even try & teach e kids accordingly to my heart, i mus b rational! Yep! Tink wen i was doin Mf & all at work, there was also this sense of control bah - if i wan to help, i can help. I control! Hahahah! :p

Bt yep! Nw i'm ok le! After gettin up & thinkin bout things! Hehehe! Feel less angsty! :))

I tink a lot of it goes back to me thinkin of my slimming down plan - sth tt i can exert control over bah! Heheheh! Yep! :)) i dunno wat is e underlying thingy also! Still tryin to figure out! Bt i guess it's really back to wat i'm doin w my everyday life, if i can't b doin meaningful things, m i happy w doin e things? If nt, den i'll get super angsty! Heheheh!

Yeah! Bt haf to moderate tt lah! In future wen i go out to work, i can make meaning out of my every day! Tink by then i'll b whinin why can't i b slackin! So shld appreciate & cherish this period also! One or 2 more years! Yep! & even if i go back to sch, i can also b studyin & makin full good use of my time! :)) & pull up my grades & make my honours a good & "meaningful" one! Heehe! Yep! Time to persuade pau to take honours tgt w me! :p heheh!

K! Bout to reach! Shall continue ltr! :))

Kheng :)